New Year-New Relationship?

Nope, I am not necessarily recommending that you break up with your boyfriend. Instead, I am calling for 2026 to be the year of the Relationship Reset. The New Year represents a new start. Of course, we can have a fresh start anytime that we want to but, New Year’s seems to bring more societal focus on the concept of growth and change. Every year I try to make January the month where I make changes in my life. Sometimes there are small changes and sometimes large. There have been issues concerning organization, healthy or godly living. It always means thinking about the practical steps that are needed to achieve those goals.

What is missing in your life? Is it God? That’s the most important first step that you can take towards living a better life both now and for eternity. Next, what is the quality of your relationships with others,(friends, family or at work)? Are you happy, do you feel loved and understood? Are you and your partner just talking at each other and not to each other? Do you fight all the time or do you just want different things?That’s not good, but it’s not too late to work through your problems and fall in love again. It’s not too late to honor your mother or father or make amends with friends, family or at work

This year my inspiration for change and growth comes from observations made during the holiday season. It seems like many people are not all that happy with their relationships and the holiday season acts to magnify any problems that already exist. Far too many people seem to squabble over petty things. Should we chalk it up to “holiday stress” or is it something more indicative than that? Worse yet people more and more seem to lack boundaries and no longer filter out unkind words in polite company. Why? Because they either call it normal behavior, don’t even know they have a problem, or overall have poor coping skills.

What happens when you have a disagreement do you give the person the silent treatment or name call? Does your partner do that? Do you or he fly into a rage or belittle one another? Have you stopped appreciating each other? Someone being taken for granted? This holiday season, it was crazy to see how many cases of criticism that existed just concerning family meals. It may seem trivial but it’s not. Take Jenny* & Teddy* for example. Teddy cooked a huge Thanksgiving meal for friends and family. There were sweet potatoes, dressing, asparagus, and corn. He smoked and cooked a large turkey. Everything looked great but, when Jenny took her first bite of the turkey she let her opinion be known in front of all the guests that day. “Teddy, that meat is too dry. You overcooked it.”

In truth it was dry but who cares, this was a completely rude comment to make. It was belittling and showed no appreciation for the time and effort that her husband had put into cooking the entire meal. Isn’t that what gravy is for anyway? When somebody cooks the whole meal for me, I shut up and just enjoy it. Come on, free food, no work. Hip hip hooray. When I am tempted to criticize a meal I stop and think that I could just as easily have been the one to overcook the white meat in order that the dark meat is thoroughly cooked. Where is the “love covers a multitude of sins” attitude when you need it. A little love and gravy would cover the dry meat so why make Teddy feel bad after all his hard work?

Teddy never speaks up when Jenny says these things to him. However, he just waits to get her back by saying something equally as nasty later on when he has an opening to do so. He gives as good as he gets.They are in a vicious cycle and yet I can honestly tell you that these two people love each other very much. So what gives?

It is funny how many people love each other but, they have awful coping skills or next to no manners in dealing with that person. One of the skills I see lacking is the ability to have a disagreement and to just try to talk and work out a solution constructively and respectfully. Keeping to the topic for one is important. If you talk about whose turn it is to wash the dishes and you end up bringing each others’ mothers into it, you know you are not fighting fair.

I think it has something to do with people letting too much build up before they decide to deal with it, or it could be just following the comfortable dysfunctional pattern that someone’s parents role modeled to them. If you don’t question what you have seen others do then that behavior can often become one’s default setting. Some people just want to be right all the time and can not admit if they are wrong. That is not gonna get you into heaven folks so let’s stop that right now. We all make mistakes and we need to admit it and ask God and one another for forgivensss.

People make excuses for their behavior all the time but, they don’t give that same grace to their partner and often seem ready to pounce on them for the smallest reasons.Yet, the Bible tells us to do the opposite to all the above behavior. Jenny and Teddy are Christians. They have both been discussing these issues with me for some time and after some prayer and thoughtful consideration, I have begun to redirect them.

The first thing they needed to do was to stop blaming the other person for all the relational havoc and start looking straight into the mirror. Both Jenny and Teddy talk about how their spouse is the problem. It was time for them to dig into some well-known bible verses and take them to heart. Starting with: “Thus says the Lord of host: Consider thy ways”-Haggai:1:6. This verse is just one of many in the Bible asking us to look at our life and think about what we are saying or doing. I asked both Jenny and Teddy to begin to change their focus from thinking about what the other person is doing and instead to put the spotlight on themselves instead. I could see what a revolution this verse alone did to pull them from their usual pattern.

Initially, it was gratifying to see how they were starting to self-reflect in their relationship until the first challenge occurred which is when they both got the flu.* it hit Jenny first. She was so sick that she had to go to the emergency room, Teddy was able to cope at home when he came down with it a week later. Both of them backslide spiritually and almost immediately their marriage started to suffer. The next verse that I left them with was from Matthew 7:3 and it states, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” As Christians, I can tell right away that they understood the intent of this verse. Too often we Christians need reminding not of the verse so much as the significance that it has in our own lives. It is only the beginning of January but I can already see huge differences with Jenny and Teddy’s marriage.

They are not the only ones getting into conflict. Don’t we all need a New Year-New Relationship? Will you take the Relationship Reset Challenge with me during the month of January? Every week I will suggest one small step for you and I to take to begin to improve a relationship. The first step is to do the very simple thing that Jenny and Teddy are doing, that is self-reflect. Do a moral inventory of your responsibility in that relationship. If there is a conflict think of your part in it and stop justifying all your actions. Develop a different response to the usual triggers. It all starts with what you can do to make things better.

Still need convincing? The last bible reference regards a certain great King of Israel, King David. He had sinned against God and others but could not see his part in all that had transpired. He was self-satisfied and unable to see the truth until a certain prophet told him the story of a sinful man. While David was all too willing to condemn the actions of this transgressor he was unwilling to see his own transgressions until he found out the sinner was him.

Psalm 51:1-Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; blot out my transgressions.




* the names and the illness is changed to protect privacy.