My First Time

It’s not what you think folks, it’s my first surgery and of course I have gone through a panoply of emotions. Surgery, no matter how simple can go wrong. Surgery can be simple or problems that the doctor did not anticipate can turn your life upside down. We all know instances when each possibility has occurred. It’s a good idea to be prepared for any eventually. We all know people who had a very straightforward surgery, wonderful recovery, and quality of life return immediately. 

Then, there are the people who die on the table. There are people like my friend Kerry* who went in for a simple procedure and then had a stroke. Now, what was supposed to be a quick process for Kerry has turned into months of rehab at a nursing facility. Or, there is my friend Maddie* whose husband somehow developed sepsis after his surgery. He did not have a will because he thought that it was a simple procedure and he would be fine.

My gall bladder surgery is scheduled to be a laparoscopic procedure. That is supposed to be the easiest option. The doctor anticipates sending me home that same day, unless as he says there are some unforeseen circumstances. We never know and in that lack of assurance there is that blessed assurance. Dr. Scholl* expressed confidence and told me a story about a recent patient just raring to go  one week after this surgery. This surgeon did not spend that much time with me explaining anything but he made sure to assure me that this surgery is the best thing since sliced bread.  His staff told me that gall bladder surgery is a great first surgery to have. What does that even suggest? Let’s not even think about that.

My family doctor said he thinks this is going to go well. Okay that’s good. Then there is my Pastor’s wife who told me that I might never be able to digest food properly again after the surgery. Oh Joy!Wow, my head is spinning. 

The nurse goes over every medical thing that has ever happened in my life. She talks of transfusions in an emergency and hands me power of attorney and living will forms. Gee, why do I even need that? What’s a Westchester Christian Housewife to think amid all the divergent messages? Obviously, this is what this blog is all about, God’s holy light that shines in the darkest and yet most ordinary moments that we have. If we live long enough, we will all have surgery. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

As I lean into scripture, prayer and faith it’s crazy how many things are going wrong. The cut I get while using my British sewing scissors to craft leaves a nasty cut. Thank God it is healing quickly and will be complete before my surgery. My husband got bite by some unseen bug. It was bad. Plus, my Pastor’s wife comes to visit me again with yet more stories that seem to interject fear back into my equation of coping.

I have had some ups and downs lately. But, the whole thing started out slowly. I was starting to get some general symptoms every so often. They seem to escalate just as Leo’s (last blog post) ex-girlfriend situation was growing more grave. In looking back, I can definitely say that some gall bladder symptoms may have explained why I grew so inpatient with Leo. I just couldn’t deal with the high melodrama that his situation entailed when I started feeling poorly.

Now, three days before surgery I have to begin using antiseptic cleaner on my body to ready me for the surgery. The whole medical protecols are by their very nature so clinical and dehumanizing. Yet, in another way it encapsulates the true nature of our mortality. God is the opposite. Uplifting and eternal. I resolved to dig down into scripture.

Two days before the procedure it is a fog. There are moments or joy seeing the sea of purple shaded flowers overlooking a porch. There are moments of business before the surgery. Bills, cleaning, laundry, and stocking up on groceries. There are vague feelings that I may be getting a tension headache or tensing up before I try to just breathe and pray and work my feelings through. 

There is something about touching the truth of one’s own mortality that makes one live life more richly. Knowing that you will not be with your family and friends forever should spur one on to good deeds. But, without God it could spur one onto narcissism,(see last blog post). It is for each one of us to make a decision about how we should live knowing that our time on earth could be abruptly cut short. 

As a Christian, it has lead me to make a heartfelt apology to God for all the things that I have done wrong. In my heart, I know that I will trust Jesus with my life and death. Living a godly life as much as I can do with his grace, and trusting in his divine promises for the next leg of the journey that I will take someday across the River Jordan. Life and death is a battle and we all need to decide what and who do we believe in.

Meanwhile it seems like some good comes out of even medical issues. For instance, gratitude for kindness during this time, gratitude for God’s presence and comfort too. I look forward to future plans, God willing and hopefully enjoying the rest of the summer. I also think back to childhood lessons at home about preparing for sickness and surgery. First, go to God in prayer. Next, I remember the cleaning, and my house is clean. I remember getting laundry and food prepared in advance and that is done. I am grateful for some good and practical lessons that I learned and so now I am able to go on auto-pilot. My orchids are blooming throughout my house. My lavender, Shasta daisy will be visible from my bedroom window. 

Psalm 18: 1-6 (A scripture portion that I have contemplated as I awaited surgery.)

1. I love you, Lord, my strength. 

2. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

3. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies.

4. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me;  the cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.

6. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. 

Everything is done. There is nothing left but for me to go to the hospital for that first time experience of a surgery. Tomorrow is the day. See you on the other side or next weeks blog post. ❤️✝️

* Some names have been changed, including the doctors’ name. Many of them can’t take constructive criticism. He might not be pleased LOL.

Broken Relationships-Part 2

It’s been a rough year for Leo*and friends of Leo too. That includes me. Leo is an old friend. Like every friendship, we have had our ups and downs over the years. Some of our issues emanate from the fact that I am a follower of Jesus Christ and Leo just thinks he is. He posits that since his Italian parents had him baptized as a child that he is “in like Flynn with God.” So, just like a genie, he somehow has God in a magic bottle and can summon him up whenever the need arises. This can be maddening at times when he lives an utterly debauched Manhattan lifestyle but, then turns to God when he needs to figure something out or when something goes wrong and he needs God to get him out of a jam.

This past year marks a time when he has turned to God as he tried to cope with the illness and ultimate death of another man’s wife. Even though he has never lived a Christian lifestyle, he believed that if he just attended church and lite candles for Lilia* that somehow he would open up a dialogue with God and get him to save her life. It seems like his concept was more a summoning of a spirit (Divine for me by a spirit-1 Samuel 28:8) rather than a relationship with the Lord. Oh come God, great spirit, you are present amid the incense and majestic organ music, I know it…. I had my work cut out for me.

What do I mean by debauched Manhattan lifestyle? Where do I begin? Leo changes women every three years whether he needs to or not. He reminds me of a celebrity with the same name who is also known for serial monogamy. I asked him why he can’t stay in relationship for more than three years and he seemingly has no idea. He acts like it has nothing to do with him at all. I guess, “where ignorance is bliss tis folly to be wise.” As a Christian I can’t go along with that.

Although he has been in a series of live-in relationships without the benefit of marriage he thinks that this is okay with God because he thinks that he conducted the relationships like a marriage. Just where in the Bible is that? Also, he puts a high value on having never cheated on any of the women that he was with as if that made everything okay. He believes his approach to relationships somehow sanitizes the situation and cleans it up. Only Jesus can clean it up Leo. Boy did he ever have huge justifications for his whole lifestyle but in the back of his mind I know that he knew it was not right with God. A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh-Genesis 2:24. 

One of the women that he was with over the years was Lilia. Lilia was brought to the United States by one of those Christian groups that sponsors foreign nationals who are seeking citizenship in the United States. While she did accept the free gift of sponsorship from the church, she did not accept the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ that the church discussed that was also available to her. Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved-Romans 10:9.

Lilia had received a Ph.D in nuclear physics in the Republic of Georgia. It was then that she decided to seek relocation to the United States of America in order to advance her career plan. Lilia faced some hurtles on the road to citizenship which she decided could be fixed if she met and married an American citizen, but who? That is when she met and seduced Leo. Leo liked the sex but, not enough to marry her. Why buy the cow when the milk’s free? Although he enjoyed having a woman who was intellectually his equal he described her from the early days as a difficult woman. I remember at the time thinking this was not a good sign. Generally, when you first date someone you have that new love excitement but, no not Leo. He immediately told me all about her perfectionism, her control issues and her egotism. This did not sound like an auspicious beginning but, Leo just let it ride. There was a turning point for them when they went on a vacation together. Leo sustained an injury and was even unconscious for a minute and all Lilia could say was, “you ruined my vacation.” Ding ding ding ding red flag deal changer, don’t you think? 

Something did change for Leo after that vacation. He was shocked by the way that she had treated him and he began to doubt her feelings for him. He began to think of breaking up. She tried to apologize and make things better but, things were not the same. Lilia was living with Leo at this point. She had insisted that he buy a huge antique bed that was way out of proportion in his small Manhattan apartment but Lilia just had to have it and now it was a constant reminder to Leo of what a schmuck he was. 

Lilia sensed all this but, was still trying to work him over. Finally, she told him that if he didn’t marry her that she would have to go back to Georgia. Even though he knew he didn’t want to marry her, he felt terribly guilty about possibly being responsible for that turn of events. Still, he had a deep sense that she wasn’t the right woman for him and they finally broke up. (Note-By following the Christian lifestyle and biblical wisdom and only sealing the deal in a Christian Marriage before you have sex could have saved Leo a whole lot of trouble.) He had a great deal of guilt about this even until the present time which I never understood. She has used this guilt to get him to do what she has wanted him to do over the years. 

However, despite Lilia’s dire prediction she was somehow able to remain in the United States. She eventually married a fellow Georgian,Vlad.* Vlad was a rather bohemian musician, almost a polar opposite to Lilia. They had one son together, Kiril.* Throughout the years, Lilia and Leo maintained a friendship. Leo loved to do that. He thought it the highest good to maintain good relations with as many of his ex’s as he could. He loved to have beautiful women on his arm to parade around the town. I always thought of these women as his harem and it was repugnant to me. But because of the temptation to sexual immortality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband-1 Cor 7:2.

Can you ever really just be friends with an ex-lover? I think not. There is always that intimacy due to sexual encounter that you took without the benefit of marriage. There is an intimacy that remains always. One can still get an ego boost from that knowledge or you can even fall back into each other’s arms if conditions are right.

Leo was guilty of having a lot of emotional affairs all over the isle of Manhattan, uptown, downtown and midtown. He never seemed to get how these attachments “to all the girls that he loved before”-(Julio Iglesias & Willy Nelson) kept him from moving forward into a healthier relationship in the present. I was always uneasy about Leo’s relationship with Lilia. She always seemed to keep him captivated though and even though she was married, had a professorship and a child, she always seemed to have time for restaurant dates with Leo. He always paid of course. She went to him for advice and he to her. It did not seem right but, he did not ask for my approval and I did not give it.

About a year ago, I received an anguished call from Leo telling my of a very serious diagnosis that Lilia had received. The type and level of cancer he described told me that it did not look good. I immediately thought it was a terminal case but, Leo was like a crazed animal unable to accept this.

During the past year, Leo has been in terrible agony over this. He even placed his life on hold in order to take Lilia back and forth to Memorial Sloan Kettering appointments like a husband should. Only Leo wasn’t her husband, Vlad was. Leo researched Lilia’s condition and pushed the doctors into every intervention possible. He was crediting his own diagnostic skills rather than the doctors for keeping her alive. I am sure that the highly vaunted doctors of the prestigious hospital would be miffed at that notion! However, it seemed that Leo made sure that Lilia got all the state of the art treatment that the hospital had to offer. Poor Vlad was in the background being minimized by Leo. Vlad’s lack of fluency in the English language did not help him be able to come to the forefront of his wife’s treatment plan and Leo relished his role.

It was during this time that Leo wanted to be back on with God and he called me into the situation to make it happen. My husband and I are the only Christian people that he knows. Not knowing a single Christian  is not uncommon in New York City. That place is mission territory. The call I received told me that he was looking for a Christian take on the whole situation, sorta of a Christian consultation I suppose.

He began asking me questions about life and death, love and marriage and what the meaning of salvation was. We talked the Bible, the meaning of covenant marriage and God’s plan for eternal life. This past year I saw Leo really delve into the word of God. He agreed to listen to my Pastor’s Sunday sermons throughout the year. Although I no longer live in New York State my Pastor’s Sunday Sermons are available online. It was going very well too. He was getting some foundational Christian messages. We had long wonderful talks about my Pastor’s sermons and I was praying for both he and Lilia to be able to come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. 

In moments of lucidity Lilia talked of going to Venice. Knowing that was not going to be possible, I suggested to Leo that he get in the car and take Lilia on a little vacation to my country home. My offer was to host them and cook healthy food, spend time in the Bible amid a lovely country setting.To my surprise, neither Leo nor Lilia were adverse to the message of the gospel. Instead, I found two people with advanced degrees in science who were functionally illiterate in Christian foundationals. 

My husband and I prayed for them every day. More than anything I prayed for them to come to know who God is and what he has done. I understood that knowing God would straighten out their crazy lives. That’s who God is, he is a waymaker. He makes everything clear such as right versus wrong. He has a definition of love which puts the second rate worldly sense of love to shame. He brings clarity and comfort amid the turmoil that we face. All the things that I hoped and wished for Leo, Lilia and even Vlad and Kiril to have.

As I expected, Lilia’s health went from bad to worse. At times such as this, people crack or maybe they just show you who they really are in a dramatic fashion. That is what happened with both Leo and Lilia. People often act out their philosophy of life at the last minutes of life. Lilia realized her days were numbered and she even wanted to hasten her demise by getting off of her breathing tube. She told Leo that she didn’t give a darn and f**k Vlad. 

Near the end of her life, Lilia’s husband Vlad dropped one on Leo too. He told Leo that Lilia had been having an affair with a married colleague at the university for fifteen years. Leo was shocked that he never knew this and resented having Vlad, Robert* and himself sitting at her hospital bedside at the end. Can you imagine the nerve of this bum after the way that he treated Vlad resenting Robert’s presence? It sort of served him right. It was then that I realized that he was part of Lilia’s harem. He wanted to be the one that she truly loved and he resented sharing the spotlight with any of these other dudes. 

Lilia really went out with a bang. A few weeks before her death, she told Leo that she was leaving him  her upper East Side condominium. Her husband would get her other financial assets and a second condominium that she owned which was located in New Jersey. She always craved attention and she got it. This was a shocking arrangement. When Leo told me about it, I was stunned. Leo tried to soften the news by letting me know that he never expected anything from Lilia’s estate. He also wanted me to know that acquiring this U.E.S. pad could help get him out of a difficult situation. Furthermore, he even tried to convince me that Vlad didn’t care if Leo got Vlad’s apartment. I found that very, very hard to believe. Vlad didn’t mind if he was going to have to move out of his apartment? Vlad didn’t have any feelings about his primary residence, a piece of prime Manhattan real estate, that he had been living in with his wife was about to be gifted by his wife to a former lover?

Leo should have gotten a clue that Vlad really did have feelings about everything going on but, those thoughts were not convenient for him. Leo asked me why I thought that Vlad would tell him about Lilia’s affair?

While Leo took Lilia to every doctor’s appointment and was professing her love to him, she was living with her husband and even had a boyfriend. At the end, she told Leo how good they would have been together. She further tortured him by saying that he should have married her when she asked him. Whey wasn’t I buying any of this? I want to know what she told Vlad and Robert during their private moments. Another old friend of Leo’s even suggested that there may have been other men too. Lilia had dated his best friend and broken his heart by cheating.This man was quite credible and said that he had kept this and some other facts from Leo so as to not hurt him. Lilia may have been cheating on everyone she was ever with! What made Leo think that she loved him? It was all so tragic and sinful.

It all came back to the many conversations that we had about the deep biblical definition of love. The type of love that uplifts, that is faithful and that serves. It entails a forever covenant not just a convenient union forged for immigration purposes. Leo has so many great qualities but when push comes to shove, he is unable to understand a deeper meaning for love. At the very least he has a deeply flawed definition of what love means. His definition of love is the kind of  love that movies and television promote. The type of love that people settle for. Leo has been settling his entire life. Could he want more or would he settle for this cheap imitation of love? Also, would the possibility of a huge financial asset such as an Upper East Side Apartment make him forget everything he has begun to learn in the Bible concerning love of money as the root of all evil? This is a huge temptation for Leo. He had been screwed in his own families’ wills a few times and it had left him with a lot of anger. Leo had a very complicated situation arise with his father’s Italian will when he passed away. The case was so complicated that it has lasted for years and Leo has yet to get one dime from his father’s estate. Why? The chilling answer is there was some goomahs who approached the court seeking money from the estate. For those not familiar with the New York Italian slang, a goomah refers to a mistress. 

The parallels with Lilia’s many men and complications in her will has a strong similarity to what Leo’s father’s estate looked like. I pointed this out to him but he just couldn’t see it. Leo has a bunch of huge temptations in his way blocking his path to God. Will he move forward? All I know is that as soon as money came into the picture, suddenly Leo went from studying the Bible to seeking my approval for his actions. When he pushed me, I cautioned him to take some time to think about the right and wrong of the situation from God’s point of view before moving forward. I have not heard from him since then. 

Lessons from the Bible: But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.-Ephesians 5:3.

* The names were changed for privacy. A few events may be out of chronological order because Leo just doesn’t make sense some times!

Broken Relationships-Part 1

As of late, I have been thinking about the confluence of relationships and Christianity. What is the role of a Christian as a friend, spouse, or neighbor when we have to deal with less than ideal friendships, difficult family members or situations? Do we work with what we have and try to serve in the situation? When do we plant godly seeds of wisdom and tell them about Jesus? What is our signal to back off? Do we leave an abusive situation, decide that someone is a lost cause, and do we continue to pray for them? Does the Bible help us understand how to navigate these perilous situations? It has been my experience that these topics are sure to spark intense debate in Christian circles. In fact, my own intense debates on this topic with friends and family have inspired this post series. 

It would appear that Cammie* is the perfect Pastor’s wife  unless you look a little bit closer. Then, you will find an onion with layers upon layers, in this case, of trauma. I have no idea what lies beneath but I can guess. Cammie is not unlike Brooklyn,* a deceased relative of my husband’s who shared some disturbing stories a while ago. Both women decided to share deeply traumatic childhood memories with me at a point when they hardly knew me. 

As a Christian, I always strive to treat a situation such as childhood abuse with godliness and love. In Cammie’s case, when we were speaking of a completely unrelated topic she suddenly changed the course of the very tepid conversation to boiling when she told me she was a childhood victim of sexual abuse at the hands of her father and the cult that he belonged to. This revelation literally took the air right out of my lungs and suddenly everything seemed to move forward in slow-motion.

Looking her in the eye, I told her that I was very sorry that this had happened to her. She went into some details including that it was all a repressed memory until she gave birth to her first child Chloe.* Apparently, she suffered some sort of breakdown at that point. When confronting her mother about these memories she indicated to me that her mother did not believe her. At this point, her mother was already divorced from her father and she had remarried another man. She informed her mother that the abuse occurred in some sort of loft in her mother’s home. Cammie would not speak to her mother for five years because she did not like her mother’s response to her allegations of abuse. She eventually reconciled with her mother but still sleeps in the loft space that she was abused in whenever she visits her mother.

I was flabbergasted by this story. I asked her where she was in the healing and forgiveness journey after all that had happened? To my surprise, Cammie could not say a word. I told her that I don’t think that I would want to sleep in that loft if that had happened to me and wondered if there was at least a sofa or pullout bed on the premises that she could sleep on instead? Or, better yet a local motel to stay at? Again, no response. “What gives?”,  I thought. 

Then there was Brooklyn. When I was first married, she was one of my husbands older family members that I really connected with. She seemed friendly and helpful. However, I quickly noted that she had a dislike of her own very elderly mother. I was doing a number of visits to get to know my husbands family and meet some of them for the first time. It was the day before I was supposed to meet Brooklyn’s mother in an assisted living facility when Brooklyn came to me with some disturbing news.

Apparently after Brooklyn’s dad abandoned the family, her mother hooked up with a number of men. She even ended some unwanted pregnancies herself. According to Brooklyn who was a child at the time, her mother insisted that she assist in the disposal process. The imagery and story revolted me. I again shared my sorrow that such a thing had happened to her. How could a mother do such a thing to a young girl?

Just as before, I asked her where she was in the healing process and how her relationship with her mother was today? Had she told her mother how she felt? The answer was “no, I have not discussed this with her.” Since she was already an old woman I realized that Brooklyn had lived her entire life with this truth hanging over her head and had not worked through any of these issues. She succeeded in poisoning my relationship with her mother from ever going forward too. I could barely say a word to her when I met her the next day. I was in shock. It seemed she was purposefully putting the kabosh on my relationship with her mother Lily.*  Or, was she?

 In the privacy of my online diary where the names are changed for privacy, I think that I can safely ask some questions. First question is: did these things actually happen? Are these people telling me the truth? Some things are so outrageous that they are very hard to believe. That does not mean they are not true. However, haven’t there been some well publicized cases of outrageous stories that turned out to be a lie? 

Also, I understand the human mind has coping mechanisms to protect us from unpleasant things but still, are repressed memories even real? I know that I am not the first person to ask that question. Is it possibly a delusion? I wondered this about both cases. It appeared that both women had struggles with mental health but, which came first the chicken or the egg?

On the other hand, we watched absolute evil play out in the P. Diddy trial in New York City. The depravity depicted by witnesses seems to know no bounds. Did Cammie and Brooklyn fall prey to terrible abuse at the hands of their parents? Sin is an equal opportunity evil which plays out everywhere. Did the abuse leave these women so torn up inside that even their relationship with Christ was fractured? These were some of my first thoughts.

Next, I wondered how a follower of Jesus ought to approach their interactions with an abuse victim? Had I said the right thing to begin with? Hearing stories such as I have heard from Cammie and Brooklyn is not unlike going to a funeral in that you know something deeply traumatic has unfolded and we all wish to say the right thing. 

As a Christian, I have no doubt that protecting and nurturing children is our mission and abuse in any form is a sin. Jesus makes that very clear when he says in Luke 17:2, “it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and be cast into the sea, then that he should offend one of these little ones.” That is a very strong statement indeed. However, our society has started to challenge this and many similar ideas. There are those who would think it okay to have sex with a child, that movement seeks to place the idea in our heads that children are sexual creatures and should be allowed to pursue it.That shocking idea has gained traction unfortunately. There is no better example of harmful behavior towards children than this whole mutilation cult which is part of the transgender movement. All of this is opposite to the Christian faith and we must proclaim that!

Jesus interrupted cultural norms of dismissing children and showed us how precious children are to him, he said to let the little children come to him and not to hinder them for such is the kingdom of heaven. This particular verse shows that the innocence and purity of children is heavenly and further put a fine point on protecting them. 

Another element of Christian life that subtly informs this topic concerns the concept of responsibility that we all are given and must justly exercise. This is a thread throughout the Bible. No authority is given except by God and we must be good stewards of children under our care whether we be family, neighbor, babysitters, workers at schools or daycare. We will be judged by God for how we exercise our responsibility in this department. 

And, I can see why as I got to know Cammie and Brooklyn better. They are broken in a thousand pieces because of something that happened to them. I see this in many areas. I believe that spilling out inappropriate life stories to someone you just meet is a symptom of broken boundaries with people that may have begun with adults taking inappropriate actions with them. I am happy to assist them if I can but some other people hearing this indiscriminately might not be so helpful.

Interactions with these ladies lead me to feel that whatever did or didn’t happen, these ladies’ lives revolved around this story. Although I have learned both these ladies have had therapy, it never seemed to help and this wound is always opened and has never healed over. That is not God’s design. God has created us to physically and spiritually heal unless things are radically wrong. A relationship with Christ, which both women claim, grows and changes us to overcome, forgive and move on in positive ways from abuse. 

It is so easy to get into circular thinking, caught up in a sort of centripetal motion of behavior surrounding something traumatic. This state has come to be called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD for short. The start of healing is honest prayer to God, Sharing in a healthy way can happen but it must be done with righteous and safe confidantes, not just anyone (Guard your heart folks from unnessary pain). Forgiveness needs to begin. Forgiveness does not mean you call what the person does right. After all, God forgives our sins but never calls our sins right.Forgiveness does not mean we don’t put up proper boundaries with people or ever put ourselves in harms way. 

My relationships with both these ladies have not been easy. They have both had many struggles with their relationships throughout the years. Will I ever know what really happened? I doubt it but, I continue to pray, quote the Bible and serve as best that I can. 

* the names are changed to protect privacy. 

Next Week: Broken Relationships-Part 2