It’s not what you think folks, it’s my first surgery and of course I have gone through a panoply of emotions. Surgery, no matter how simple can go wrong. Surgery can be simple or problems that the doctor did not anticipate can turn your life upside down. We all know instances when each possibility has occurred. It’s a good idea to be prepared for any eventually. We all know people who had a very straightforward surgery, wonderful recovery, and quality of life return immediately.
Then, there are the people who die on the table. There are people like my friend Kerry* who went in for a simple procedure and then had a stroke. Now, what was supposed to be a quick process for Kerry has turned into months of rehab at a nursing facility. Or, there is my friend Maddie* whose husband somehow developed sepsis after his surgery. He did not have a will because he thought that it was a simple procedure and he would be fine.
My gall bladder surgery is scheduled to be a laparoscopic procedure. That is supposed to be the easiest option. The doctor anticipates sending me home that same day, unless as he says there are some unforeseen circumstances. We never know and in that lack of assurance there is that blessed assurance. Dr. Scholl* expressed confidence and told me a story about a recent patient just raring to go one week after this surgery. This surgeon did not spend that much time with me explaining anything but he made sure to assure me that this surgery is the best thing since sliced bread. His staff told me that gall bladder surgery is a great first surgery to have. What does that even suggest? Let’s not even think about that.
My family doctor said he thinks this is going to go well. Okay that’s good. Then there is my Pastor’s wife who told me that I might never be able to digest food properly again after the surgery. Oh Joy!Wow, my head is spinning.
The nurse goes over every medical thing that has ever happened in my life. She talks of transfusions in an emergency and hands me power of attorney and living will forms. Gee, why do I even need that? What’s a Westchester Christian Housewife to think amid all the divergent messages? Obviously, this is what this blog is all about, God’s holy light that shines in the darkest and yet most ordinary moments that we have. If we live long enough, we will all have surgery. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
As I lean into scripture, prayer and faith it’s crazy how many things are going wrong. The cut I get while using my British sewing scissors to craft leaves a nasty cut. Thank God it is healing quickly and will be complete before my surgery. My husband got bite by some unseen bug. It was bad. Plus, my Pastor’s wife comes to visit me again with yet more stories that seem to interject fear back into my equation of coping.
I have had some ups and downs lately. But, the whole thing started out slowly. I was starting to get some general symptoms every so often. They seem to escalate just as Leo’s (last blog post) ex-girlfriend situation was growing more grave. In looking back, I can definitely say that some gall bladder symptoms may have explained why I grew so inpatient with Leo. I just couldn’t deal with the high melodrama that his situation entailed when I started feeling poorly.
Now, three days before surgery I have to begin using antiseptic cleaner on my body to ready me for the surgery. The whole medical protecols are by their very nature so clinical and dehumanizing. Yet, in another way it encapsulates the true nature of our mortality. God is the opposite. Uplifting and eternal. I resolved to dig down into scripture.
Two days before the procedure it is a fog. There are moments or joy seeing the sea of purple shaded flowers overlooking a porch. There are moments of business before the surgery. Bills, cleaning, laundry, and stocking up on groceries. There are vague feelings that I may be getting a tension headache or tensing up before I try to just breathe and pray and work my feelings through.
There is something about touching the truth of one’s own mortality that makes one live life more richly. Knowing that you will not be with your family and friends forever should spur one on to good deeds. But, without God it could spur one onto narcissism,(see last blog post). It is for each one of us to make a decision about how we should live knowing that our time on earth could be abruptly cut short.
As a Christian, it has lead me to make a heartfelt apology to God for all the things that I have done wrong. In my heart, I know that I will trust Jesus with my life and death. Living a godly life as much as I can do with his grace, and trusting in his divine promises for the next leg of the journey that I will take someday across the River Jordan. Life and death is a battle and we all need to decide what and who do we believe in.
Meanwhile it seems like some good comes out of even medical issues. For instance, gratitude for kindness during this time, gratitude for God’s presence and comfort too. I look forward to future plans, God willing and hopefully enjoying the rest of the summer. I also think back to childhood lessons at home about preparing for sickness and surgery. First, go to God in prayer. Next, I remember the cleaning, and my house is clean. I remember getting laundry and food prepared in advance and that is done. I am grateful for some good and practical lessons that I learned and so now I am able to go on auto-pilot. My orchids are blooming throughout my house. My lavender, Shasta daisy will be visible from my bedroom window.
Psalm 18: 1-6 (A scripture portion that I have contemplated as I awaited surgery.)
1. I love you, Lord, my strength.
2. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies.
4. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me; the cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.
6. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
Everything is done. There is nothing left but for me to go to the hospital for that first time experience of a surgery. Tomorrow is the day. See you on the other side or next weeks blog post. ❤️✝️
* Some names have been changed, including the doctors’ name. Many of them can’t take constructive criticism. He might not be pleased LOL.
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