Dylan* and Olivia* had been high school sweethearts. Dylan first met Olivia at a teen ministry event in Westchester, N.Y. Not willing to give his heart or body away until marriage, Dylan kept mostly to himself at his public high school. When he met Olivia, all his defenses came down. He met a sweet and godly girl his own age who shared his commitment to God. That was powerful to him. They had fun and got to know each other as they enjoyed bible study and fun activities at Church.
Dylan had been quite depressed in his first six months of high school. A lot had happened the summer before that freshman year. His beloved grandfather had passed away and at the same time, his best christian friend, Sebastian had moved with his family to Atlanta. He took both events quite hard. Everyone noticed this: his parents, teachers and pastor. They all tried to reach out to assist Dylan, but to no avail. His parents were quite distressed. They met privately with their Pastor to discuss the problem further. Pastor Bob* recommended a local teen ministry at another church. It was a place where parents from many small local churches brought their teenagers to develop faith and fellowship.
After many months of negotiating and pressure from his parents he agreed to attend a bowling event at a nearby alley. He had not had much social activity since starting the ninth grade. He was half looking forward to it. He was pleasantly surprised that evening when he seemed to hit it off with everyone in his assigned bowling team. Justin* helped everyone with their bowling technique, Malik* was the team comic, and Olivia was full of encouragement.
Before the end of the evening, the teen minister introduced himself to Dylan and had issued a personal invitation for Dylan to attend next weeks' bible study. To Dylan's surprised, he really wanted to go. He accepted that invitation immediately. When he arrived at the bible study, the following week, he was again befriended by the same group that he had met while bowling. They did a study from the Book of Ruth and the Youth Pastor spoke about the many trials that Naomi had experienced causing her to become bitter. Dylan felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he related to the trials and tribulations of Naomi.
There was a lot in the story of Naomi that lined up with Dylan's recent experiences of death and loss. The Pastor encouraged discussions on this topic at each table. Malik spoke first and told a story about the loss and depression which he had experienced when his grandmother got hit by a car two years ago. Malik continued, "in proverbs it says that a merry heart maketh good medicine," I joke around and try to follow God. I trust in him to get me through this!" Dylan was encouraged by Malik's story and felt safe and ready to share his own story. He didn't feel alone anymore.
As the months and years went by, he found fellowship and fun at the new teen ministry. His friendships grew with Justin and Malik but, especially with Olivia. They talked on the phone and encouraged one another in school and with their christian walk. It was clear to their families that Dylan and Olivia had feelings for each other. Dylan's family thought he was to young to date, while Olivia's family was glad that she was interested in dating a boy that she met at bible study. It was time for the families to meet. They choose the coffee social after a Sunday service.
Next week- the story of Dylan continues.
*the story is true but the names have been changed and a few events to keep privacy. It is concordant with the original story.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Monday, August 14, 2017
Asking For Help
Asking for help when we need it, is a sign of wisdom. Yet, all too often we feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness. The Bible should quickly dissipate any such notions. Further, it should help you to feel more comfortable as you face your all too frail humanity. Yes, you are in great company alongside the great men and women of the Bible who expressed a need for help in a number of situations.
Here are a few examples : Samson-"O Lord God,remember me, I pray! Strengthen me, I pray, just this once, O God,that I may with one blow take vengeance on the Philistines for my two eyes!" (Judges 16:28) Jabez-"Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" God granted him what he requested."(1 Chronicles 4:10) Mary, the mother of Jesus-"These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers. (Acts 1:14)
I could go on but suffice it to say, you did not get the idea that expressing weakness is wrong from the Bible. In 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 we see Paul struggling with his impediments,“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." What a revolutionary idea if you think about it. Knowing and owning your weakness makes you strong! That's better than eating your spinach. So understand right up front that frailty of health, both mental and physical is part of our humanity. Even frailty in the way that we do things, is part of our humanity. Expecting perfection in yourself and others is just setting yourself up and those around you for misery.
Let's take a look at what "failure to ask" looks like. The flu hit Westchester County very hard this past winter. Everyone I know had it. Yet, everyone acted as if they were fine and could manage on their own when I asked if I could do anything for them. It seemed that everyone was afraid to admit that they were in a weakened state or that they needed help. Everyday and in everyway, I see people trying to pretend that they have it all-together all the time.
Failure doesn't seem to be an option for men like Todd.* Todd grew up in a family that lauded success above everything else. His family did not teach him that we all "win some and we all loose some" or the wisdom of asking for help. As a child, he remembers how his Uncle Joe* was mercilessly ridiculed as a loser for some business decisions that he had made. Todd attempted suicide when his videography business began to go belly up. He thought that was a better option then to face going from being a millionaire to destitute. Thank the Lord, he did not succeed. Then there was Dr.*****, a talented surgeon who appeared to have it all. A McMansion in Westchester with a boat in the harbor and two kids in Yale. When he attempted suicide it came as a shock to even his closest friends,who did not suspect that he suffered from increasingly severe depression. Ignoring a failing business or our mental health will only ensure that things will get worse and asking for help is sometimes necessary.
Then there was Elizabeth.* She had been a Pastor's wife for thirty-five years until he passed away. He had always been the social one. A lot of marriages are like that. After his death, she began to isolate herself. At first it was due to grief, but she just became more depressed, more lonely, fearful and eventually paranoid. I met her in the neighborhood, toward the end of her husband's illness. I tried to keep in touch with her. I visited her, along with my children, and from time to time, we would bring her homemade gifts. I saw how her loneliness played tricks on her. She was ashamed of her feelings of loneliness and depression. I would always encourage her to accept invitations from her old friends and I invited her to go shopping with me, since she did not drive. Always, there was a pride and she would act like she didn't need people or help. How our feelings lie to us! The Bible teaches us that,"pride cometh before the fall."-Proverbs 16:18. How true that is. Our pride makes us feel strong but in reality we are going in the wrong direction.
So what can we do about it? We acknowledge our problems and resolve to ask for help and begin to take action. Are we struggling in our marriage? Do we feel like life is not making much sense? Lonely or depressed? You are not alone. In the journey of life these feelings happen. But remember, God is faithful. He hears and cares. There are people around us who are faithful too. There comes a time that we must look for them and reach out! Todd's attempted suicide landed him in Four Winds Hospital here in Westchester County. He was treated by a wonderful psychiatrist who assisted him in re-building his life. He has changed professions and is now living on a modest income. He started going to Church and has adjusted to his altered circumstances.
*the names are changed.
Here are a few examples : Samson-"O Lord God,remember me, I pray! Strengthen me, I pray, just this once, O God,that I may with one blow take vengeance on the Philistines for my two eyes!" (Judges 16:28) Jabez-"Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" God granted him what he requested."(1 Chronicles 4:10) Mary, the mother of Jesus-"These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers. (Acts 1:14)
I could go on but suffice it to say, you did not get the idea that expressing weakness is wrong from the Bible. In 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 we see Paul struggling with his impediments,“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." What a revolutionary idea if you think about it. Knowing and owning your weakness makes you strong! That's better than eating your spinach. So understand right up front that frailty of health, both mental and physical is part of our humanity. Even frailty in the way that we do things, is part of our humanity. Expecting perfection in yourself and others is just setting yourself up and those around you for misery.
Let's take a look at what "failure to ask" looks like. The flu hit Westchester County very hard this past winter. Everyone I know had it. Yet, everyone acted as if they were fine and could manage on their own when I asked if I could do anything for them. It seemed that everyone was afraid to admit that they were in a weakened state or that they needed help. Everyday and in everyway, I see people trying to pretend that they have it all-together all the time.
Failure doesn't seem to be an option for men like Todd.* Todd grew up in a family that lauded success above everything else. His family did not teach him that we all "win some and we all loose some" or the wisdom of asking for help. As a child, he remembers how his Uncle Joe* was mercilessly ridiculed as a loser for some business decisions that he had made. Todd attempted suicide when his videography business began to go belly up. He thought that was a better option then to face going from being a millionaire to destitute. Thank the Lord, he did not succeed. Then there was Dr.*****, a talented surgeon who appeared to have it all. A McMansion in Westchester with a boat in the harbor and two kids in Yale. When he attempted suicide it came as a shock to even his closest friends,who did not suspect that he suffered from increasingly severe depression. Ignoring a failing business or our mental health will only ensure that things will get worse and asking for help is sometimes necessary.
Then there was Elizabeth.* She had been a Pastor's wife for thirty-five years until he passed away. He had always been the social one. A lot of marriages are like that. After his death, she began to isolate herself. At first it was due to grief, but she just became more depressed, more lonely, fearful and eventually paranoid. I met her in the neighborhood, toward the end of her husband's illness. I tried to keep in touch with her. I visited her, along with my children, and from time to time, we would bring her homemade gifts. I saw how her loneliness played tricks on her. She was ashamed of her feelings of loneliness and depression. I would always encourage her to accept invitations from her old friends and I invited her to go shopping with me, since she did not drive. Always, there was a pride and she would act like she didn't need people or help. How our feelings lie to us! The Bible teaches us that,"pride cometh before the fall."-Proverbs 16:18. How true that is. Our pride makes us feel strong but in reality we are going in the wrong direction.
So what can we do about it? We acknowledge our problems and resolve to ask for help and begin to take action. Are we struggling in our marriage? Do we feel like life is not making much sense? Lonely or depressed? You are not alone. In the journey of life these feelings happen. But remember, God is faithful. He hears and cares. There are people around us who are faithful too. There comes a time that we must look for them and reach out! Todd's attempted suicide landed him in Four Winds Hospital here in Westchester County. He was treated by a wonderful psychiatrist who assisted him in re-building his life. He has changed professions and is now living on a modest income. He started going to Church and has adjusted to his altered circumstances.
*the names are changed.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
How To Do Dishes
"It's a blessing to do a dish!" Is that how you feel? Probably not. So much of our life consists of the work that we must carry out to run our household. We must wash the dishes, do laundry and vacume the rug. How many diapers does a parent change? Quite a lot. There is garbage and recycling to process too. If you own a home, you must mow the lawn and pull weeds. On and on we go. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything on one's to do list.
Yet, what is our attitude about these chores? Do we fight over whose turn it is to take out the trash? Do we dread this part of life and just live for our next weekend adventure or vacation? Yesterday, I was having a lovely day. I had set aside some time to spend the day with a friend. We had lunch at the Local, a restaurant in Chappaqua,N.Y. Then, we were happily shopping when my cell phone rang. It was my husband telling me he got stung battling a bee's nest. He told me to call him before I attempted to come home. He needed to escort me to the front door so that I would not get stung. The hive was quite close to our front door!
My mood went from relaxed and happy to concerned and overwhelmed. "Oh boy, is he okay? He told me he was okay but like a lot of men, he won't go to the doctor unless it is absolutely necessary. Who should I call? Who do I know whose had a bee problem? Can we manage ourselves or should we call an expert? Susan* I better get home. There goes my Saturday plans." My husband was a Rock of Gibraltar while I just fell apart. What is wrong with me?
We should not ignore our attitude about everyday occurances and try to have a virtuous attitude as my husband did when the bee thing interrupted his day and weekend. He spent time and energy solving this problem with no complaints. There are implications of a bad attitude for our spouse, family, jobs and ourselves. If we dread our everyday chores, are we really living life to the fullest, or wasting a lot of time being miserable over a fact of life? Right now, marriages are being damaged because people unfairly dump the whole family work load onto their spouse.
Many of us have failed to enjoy the beauty of every moment. The gift of life and all the ordinary things that entails. The joy and the meaning of family teamwork. A job well done together brings closeness. This point was indelibly brought home to me some years ago. My mother-in-law was recuperating from cancer surgery. She was unable to preform her daily chores. In this context, I was about to wash some dishes for her. She surprised me in the kitchen. I asked her if I could get her something. She said no, but she felt up to doing the dishes. I replied, oh don't worry about it, I've got this. To which she replied, it's a blessing to do a dish!
She really meant it too. Facing death made her cherish the ordinary and embrace it with gusto as a blessing. She was always a woman who served with love but I have not always been such a woman. I pray and work hard to embrace the chores and errands of life. To roll with it when a hive of bees interrupts things or raccoons are rifling through my garbage cans. Yet, it is in these ordinary moments that, I can best showcase the Christian ethos of being "light and salt" in this world.
This morning, I got up early so that I could put a meal in the slow-cooker before going to church. I vaguely wondered if we should eat out in stead. But, the joy that I got to hear about how good that meal was that evening made me glad of the work. We don't always get the accolades we expect or deserve but remember our Heavenly Father knows and cares. We can feel happy knowing that we are doing the right thing too. I hope that this makes you embrace all the things that you are called to do this week. May God strengthened you in it.
*the names are changed.
Yet, what is our attitude about these chores? Do we fight over whose turn it is to take out the trash? Do we dread this part of life and just live for our next weekend adventure or vacation? Yesterday, I was having a lovely day. I had set aside some time to spend the day with a friend. We had lunch at the Local, a restaurant in Chappaqua,N.Y. Then, we were happily shopping when my cell phone rang. It was my husband telling me he got stung battling a bee's nest. He told me to call him before I attempted to come home. He needed to escort me to the front door so that I would not get stung. The hive was quite close to our front door!
My mood went from relaxed and happy to concerned and overwhelmed. "Oh boy, is he okay? He told me he was okay but like a lot of men, he won't go to the doctor unless it is absolutely necessary. Who should I call? Who do I know whose had a bee problem? Can we manage ourselves or should we call an expert? Susan* I better get home. There goes my Saturday plans." My husband was a Rock of Gibraltar while I just fell apart. What is wrong with me?
We should not ignore our attitude about everyday occurances and try to have a virtuous attitude as my husband did when the bee thing interrupted his day and weekend. He spent time and energy solving this problem with no complaints. There are implications of a bad attitude for our spouse, family, jobs and ourselves. If we dread our everyday chores, are we really living life to the fullest, or wasting a lot of time being miserable over a fact of life? Right now, marriages are being damaged because people unfairly dump the whole family work load onto their spouse.
Many of us have failed to enjoy the beauty of every moment. The gift of life and all the ordinary things that entails. The joy and the meaning of family teamwork. A job well done together brings closeness. This point was indelibly brought home to me some years ago. My mother-in-law was recuperating from cancer surgery. She was unable to preform her daily chores. In this context, I was about to wash some dishes for her. She surprised me in the kitchen. I asked her if I could get her something. She said no, but she felt up to doing the dishes. I replied, oh don't worry about it, I've got this. To which she replied, it's a blessing to do a dish!
She really meant it too. Facing death made her cherish the ordinary and embrace it with gusto as a blessing. She was always a woman who served with love but I have not always been such a woman. I pray and work hard to embrace the chores and errands of life. To roll with it when a hive of bees interrupts things or raccoons are rifling through my garbage cans. Yet, it is in these ordinary moments that, I can best showcase the Christian ethos of being "light and salt" in this world.
This morning, I got up early so that I could put a meal in the slow-cooker before going to church. I vaguely wondered if we should eat out in stead. But, the joy that I got to hear about how good that meal was that evening made me glad of the work. We don't always get the accolades we expect or deserve but remember our Heavenly Father knows and cares. We can feel happy knowing that we are doing the right thing too. I hope that this makes you embrace all the things that you are called to do this week. May God strengthened you in it.
*the names are changed.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Why Cheat?
"Once a cheater, always a cheater." "A leopard never changes its' spots." I don't believe any of those sayings. I don't think that you can neatly tie up the package of cheating and sum up a person's life like that. The damage that cheating does to a spouse, a family, and society is enormous. So, out of the pain that people experience over a cheating spouse, they can draw conclusions that are not always valid. They believe "all men are dogs." They think they can not trust anyone again.
But, is it fair to blame all men for what one person has done to you? And what of your part in in? What makes a person cheat? Does everyone cheat? Take the case of Emily.* She is only 25 years old but the other day she told her mother that she doesn't know if she can ever trust a man again. Emily just broke off her engagement to Bradley* after a friend exposed his cheating heart. When she confronted Bradley, he did not deny it. She was devastated. She should be on her honeymoon right now, but instead she is busy cleaning up all the messy details that occur when a couple breaks up. Believe me she is not the only one who ever picked up the broken pieces of their life after Bradley got through with them. There is also his baby mamma Stephanie*and his five year old son Connor.*
(He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself-Proverbs 6:32)
"Isn't Bradley's evil?" "Is Bradley just a bum?" Those are some of the things that Emily's mother asked me the other day. Emily's mother also wondered "whether everyone cheats?" I was shocked. Hadn't she reflected on her daughter's dating history and seen a pattern? Emily seems to have had one disaster after another with men. It just doesn't seem like an accident. Her first boyfriend was Romeo.* He was handsome and from a wealthy family in Connecticut. Romeo and Emily brought new meaning to the word shallow. In the end, instead of breaking off with Romeo first, and then dating someone else, there seemed to be a little overlap with her dating Eric. She had all sorts of justifications for why she dumped Romeo in a less than kind way, but the fact remains, she cheated on him. Romeo was devastated that she cheated on him. He trolled her on social media with abusive memes like you wouldn't believe! Eric ended up to be another useless boyfriend. What do you expect from a guy who takes up with another guys' girl so easily?
(Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known-Proverbs 10:9)
Emily's parents were Christians. They loved the Lord, but failed to see the challenge that Emily's secular high school was for her. They "were in the world and not of it," and thought that their children would simply follow suit. But, the world was winning over Emily's heart and mind. The insensitive hookup culture of ********* High seemed normal to Emily. That is what she saw, day in and day out. Guys didn't ask girls out on dates anymore, they were more likely to just try and make-out in an empty hallway or in someone's unsupervised home. Many of these teenagers' parents were movers and shakers in Manhattan law firms or New York area hospitals.
These parents grew up in the permissive parenting, free-love, and drug culture of the 1960's and 70's. Some of them, like Emily's parent, had found the Lord but many had not. New York has never recovered from the seismic cultural upsets of that period and went to atheism in one or two generations. The prevailing culture of New York sucks you in like a black hole. It is a lot like ancient Corinth (Romans 1:22-32). Some people wonder if New York is the Babylon referred to in the Book of Revelation! (Rev 18:1-8) New York is a great place to get a job but imagine being a Christian parent in such an environment! Many Christians are turning to home-schooling in a quest to successsfully raise God-honoring children. I think that is a great idea and I have seen good results.
Cheating is a mind-set. First and foremost, it is a de-valuing of your partner. It is a failure to treat them with the dignity that they deserve. Sometimes that comes from seeing your parents treat each other in de-valuing ways. Other times, it comes from a narcissistic attitude. The type of attitude that puts our feelings and needs above everyone else's. Some people overcome their cheating ways after taking a church marriage class. Learning better relationship skills and coping mechanisms can make all the difference in your present relationship. Why not give it a try?
The cheating mind-set always existed of course. You can see cheating exposed for what it is, in excruciating detail, in the story of David and Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 11:1-27) In our day and age, people sometimes take sexuality lightly, without the constraints of God's law to direct them. Such was the case with Bradley. Bradley got caught cheating just one month before his wedding because he was bragging about cheating all over town. Is cheating sometimes an inability of people to be intimate? Yes, it is. Some of you reading this may wonder what real intimacy is. Perhaps you have never felt it in your family or with your partner. Real intimacy is not gauged by your family get-together on the Fourth of July or Christmas. These events are often superficial contrivances.
(I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth-Genesis 9:13)
What about sex? How does that play in? Bradley thought sex was real intimacy. Many people do. No, real intimacy means patience and committment through both the good times and the bad. It is measured in communication, and service to one another. It takes time to develop. We need to make having quality time with one another a priority. I don't mean a "how are you?" every Sunday or Thanksgiving. Intimacy grows when you take the time to learn about some one's hopes and dreams and you share your life with one another.
When you hold a hand to comfort in times of trouble or pray with someone, intimacy grows. What role does sex play in marital intimacy? Many people are just seeking the pleasure of the sexual moment and the excitement of each new conquest. This will never fully satisfy and will eventually leave a person empty and depressed. The gift of real sexual intimacy grows from time spent working on your marital relationship. It reflects the commitment that you make and what you put into your relationship. So, if you are not happy in your marital sex life, look at where you need to improve as a spouse. (Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous-Hebrews 13:4) Sometimes our family and friends have not been good role-models for fidelity but, we can look to God Almighty and get the perfect picture of faithfulness. In Deuteronomy 31:8 we see this. "And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."
*Names changed
********Names of schools not mentioned.
But, is it fair to blame all men for what one person has done to you? And what of your part in in? What makes a person cheat? Does everyone cheat? Take the case of Emily.* She is only 25 years old but the other day she told her mother that she doesn't know if she can ever trust a man again. Emily just broke off her engagement to Bradley* after a friend exposed his cheating heart. When she confronted Bradley, he did not deny it. She was devastated. She should be on her honeymoon right now, but instead she is busy cleaning up all the messy details that occur when a couple breaks up. Believe me she is not the only one who ever picked up the broken pieces of their life after Bradley got through with them. There is also his baby mamma Stephanie*and his five year old son Connor.*
(He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself-Proverbs 6:32)
"Isn't Bradley's evil?" "Is Bradley just a bum?" Those are some of the things that Emily's mother asked me the other day. Emily's mother also wondered "whether everyone cheats?" I was shocked. Hadn't she reflected on her daughter's dating history and seen a pattern? Emily seems to have had one disaster after another with men. It just doesn't seem like an accident. Her first boyfriend was Romeo.* He was handsome and from a wealthy family in Connecticut. Romeo and Emily brought new meaning to the word shallow. In the end, instead of breaking off with Romeo first, and then dating someone else, there seemed to be a little overlap with her dating Eric. She had all sorts of justifications for why she dumped Romeo in a less than kind way, but the fact remains, she cheated on him. Romeo was devastated that she cheated on him. He trolled her on social media with abusive memes like you wouldn't believe! Eric ended up to be another useless boyfriend. What do you expect from a guy who takes up with another guys' girl so easily?
(Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known-Proverbs 10:9)
Emily's parents were Christians. They loved the Lord, but failed to see the challenge that Emily's secular high school was for her. They "were in the world and not of it," and thought that their children would simply follow suit. But, the world was winning over Emily's heart and mind. The insensitive hookup culture of ********* High seemed normal to Emily. That is what she saw, day in and day out. Guys didn't ask girls out on dates anymore, they were more likely to just try and make-out in an empty hallway or in someone's unsupervised home. Many of these teenagers' parents were movers and shakers in Manhattan law firms or New York area hospitals.
These parents grew up in the permissive parenting, free-love, and drug culture of the 1960's and 70's. Some of them, like Emily's parent, had found the Lord but many had not. New York has never recovered from the seismic cultural upsets of that period and went to atheism in one or two generations. The prevailing culture of New York sucks you in like a black hole. It is a lot like ancient Corinth (Romans 1:22-32). Some people wonder if New York is the Babylon referred to in the Book of Revelation! (Rev 18:1-8) New York is a great place to get a job but imagine being a Christian parent in such an environment! Many Christians are turning to home-schooling in a quest to successsfully raise God-honoring children. I think that is a great idea and I have seen good results.
Cheating is a mind-set. First and foremost, it is a de-valuing of your partner. It is a failure to treat them with the dignity that they deserve. Sometimes that comes from seeing your parents treat each other in de-valuing ways. Other times, it comes from a narcissistic attitude. The type of attitude that puts our feelings and needs above everyone else's. Some people overcome their cheating ways after taking a church marriage class. Learning better relationship skills and coping mechanisms can make all the difference in your present relationship. Why not give it a try?
The cheating mind-set always existed of course. You can see cheating exposed for what it is, in excruciating detail, in the story of David and Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 11:1-27) In our day and age, people sometimes take sexuality lightly, without the constraints of God's law to direct them. Such was the case with Bradley. Bradley got caught cheating just one month before his wedding because he was bragging about cheating all over town. Is cheating sometimes an inability of people to be intimate? Yes, it is. Some of you reading this may wonder what real intimacy is. Perhaps you have never felt it in your family or with your partner. Real intimacy is not gauged by your family get-together on the Fourth of July or Christmas. These events are often superficial contrivances.
(I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth-Genesis 9:13)
What about sex? How does that play in? Bradley thought sex was real intimacy. Many people do. No, real intimacy means patience and committment through both the good times and the bad. It is measured in communication, and service to one another. It takes time to develop. We need to make having quality time with one another a priority. I don't mean a "how are you?" every Sunday or Thanksgiving. Intimacy grows when you take the time to learn about some one's hopes and dreams and you share your life with one another.
When you hold a hand to comfort in times of trouble or pray with someone, intimacy grows. What role does sex play in marital intimacy? Many people are just seeking the pleasure of the sexual moment and the excitement of each new conquest. This will never fully satisfy and will eventually leave a person empty and depressed. The gift of real sexual intimacy grows from time spent working on your marital relationship. It reflects the commitment that you make and what you put into your relationship. So, if you are not happy in your marital sex life, look at where you need to improve as a spouse. (Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous-Hebrews 13:4) Sometimes our family and friends have not been good role-models for fidelity but, we can look to God Almighty and get the perfect picture of faithfulness. In Deuteronomy 31:8 we see this. "And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."
*Names changed
********Names of schools not mentioned.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
What To Wear On Your Trip
My husband has just gone off to an early morning business meeting. I am eating my breakfast here at the Victoria Park Plaza Hotel in London and thinking about my day. While in London, I planned to take two craft classes at Tea and Crafting to improve my knitting and to learn British technique for "rag rugging." My knitting class was held in the Camden Market area of town. Today, I will do my rag rugging class in the Covent Garden section of town.
I packed my beaded boho Free People peasant top and downtown style pants to tour the Camden Market area and planned a more sophisticated styling for my morning in Covent Garden. Packing for any trip entails planning for the specific details of that trip. For example, is this a beach vacation, a sporty adventure, or am I planning a business trip? Could the weather be rainy or chilly? I consider myself a good and practical packer. I try to pack only what I or my family might need. I start with the weather report and the purpose of the trip. Next, I write out a pack list. I am usually packed a few weeks before a planned trip.
What seems natural to me, does not necessarily come easy for someone else. Take for instance my friend Lena.* Lena will be going to the Czech Republic in a week or so. Lena struggles with packing. So much so, that she usually doesn't sleep the night before any trip because she is still doing laundry and packing. She shops, she packs, she unpacks, and then packs again. What shoes or handbags will she bring? She keeps changing her mind. She packs way too much in the hope that she can pack for every eventuality. This is all very disruptive to her life in the weeks before any trip as she tries to coordinate this with her demanding job as an architect in Westchester County, N.Y. In this case, Lena even realizes that she has failed to prepare for her business meetings in a way that she would have liked to.
In the hopes of changing her habits she called me several weeks ago and asked me if I would come over and give her some guidance in this process. I was happy to be of some assistance. As a Christian, my concept of packing is closely related to the understanding that God has made us in His image and likeness. Because of that, we are by our creation, imbued with inherent dignity for who we are and not because of our clothing or any outward attribute. This understanding is a foundation to me in a world so quick to judge us based on how we look.
Part of Lena's problem stems from her concern that she must have a perfect appearance. She places a huge value on her personal appearance and she is convinced that others do as well. One of the biggest impediments to personal growth is the mistaken notion that everyone feels the way we do about everything. For example, a person who cheats on their school exam will often tell you, "everyone does it." This statement is simply not true!
Lena was somewhat curious why I did not stress out over packing for my trip and downright amazed that I had not just packed for myself, but for my husband too. She thought everyone stressed out about such things! The day we arranged our get-together, Lena prepared a delicious lunch for me, consisting of a large salad, butternut squash and a spinach quiche. After lunch, I was anxious to sit down and talk to her about her upcoming trip. I know that she was planning to travel with her co-worker Elizabeth.* Lena had a history of barely making flights and annoying both friends and family in the process.
Her two and a half week trip to Eastern Europe would mostly consist of intense business meetings starting early and ending late, dinners, a concert and some sight-seeing. My rule of thumb is if I am traveling for a month, I will need two weeks worth of clothing. Traveling two weeks usually just a weeks worth of clothing will do. I pack a little laundry soap and do one wash load, and I am set. I told her to decide on a color scheme and to accessorize with scarves and belts. One business shoe, one athletic shoe and an evening shoe. Pack slipper socks to lounge around in. That takes up no space.
A golden rule for travel is choosing things which can serve multiple purposes. For example, I have a purse which is appropriate as a day bag but when evening comes simply take off the shoulder strap and it transforms into an evening clutch. I also brought my reversible canvas Valentino tote. One side is simple canvas and the other is canvas with pink lace adornment. This is a great casual bag for sightseeing, and shopping but yet it has a little more sophistication in its' styling. My color scheme was gray, off-white and blue. I add a necklace and a cloisonné bracelet which matches every outfit. Everything that I bring can be mixed and matched so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same outfit all the time. A few multi-colored tank tops, in the above color scheme, and we are set.
When Lena begins to try on her clothing and we begin to go through her collection of handbags, we quickly find all the right items that she needs to pack for her trip. The attire looked lovely on her and was appropriate for the trip that she was planning. Lena has great taste in clothing. We create a pile of clothing to pack in no time! However, as we dig into the job of packing, I sense we hit a sensitive spot in Lena's life. She is an intelligent and well-accomplished woman. Why does she need me to help her make some simple clothing decisions? Beneath Lena's slick veneer lies a woman unsure of her own worth. Is she skinny enough? Is she pretty enough?
Many women struggle their whole life with feelings of low-esteem. They can never hear a compliment. Sometimes, like Lena, they drive everyone around them crazy because they have failed to come to terms with a core issue of their existence, which is, who are we and where does our worth come from? The Bible has a lot of guidance about what's really important. Here are a few verses of wisdom to help us along.
1 Peter 3:3-4 : Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of the inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Samuel 16:7 : But the Lord said to Samuel,"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
These two verses point out that who we are is much more important than what we look like. There is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking good, but let's make sure to put that into perspective. God places a higher value on the development of our character than anything else. Others around us may judge us by the wrong standards but we can rise above that and understand what really matters, and that is, your heart. God bless you.
I packed my beaded boho Free People peasant top and downtown style pants to tour the Camden Market area and planned a more sophisticated styling for my morning in Covent Garden. Packing for any trip entails planning for the specific details of that trip. For example, is this a beach vacation, a sporty adventure, or am I planning a business trip? Could the weather be rainy or chilly? I consider myself a good and practical packer. I try to pack only what I or my family might need. I start with the weather report and the purpose of the trip. Next, I write out a pack list. I am usually packed a few weeks before a planned trip.
What seems natural to me, does not necessarily come easy for someone else. Take for instance my friend Lena.* Lena will be going to the Czech Republic in a week or so. Lena struggles with packing. So much so, that she usually doesn't sleep the night before any trip because she is still doing laundry and packing. She shops, she packs, she unpacks, and then packs again. What shoes or handbags will she bring? She keeps changing her mind. She packs way too much in the hope that she can pack for every eventuality. This is all very disruptive to her life in the weeks before any trip as she tries to coordinate this with her demanding job as an architect in Westchester County, N.Y. In this case, Lena even realizes that she has failed to prepare for her business meetings in a way that she would have liked to.
In the hopes of changing her habits she called me several weeks ago and asked me if I would come over and give her some guidance in this process. I was happy to be of some assistance. As a Christian, my concept of packing is closely related to the understanding that God has made us in His image and likeness. Because of that, we are by our creation, imbued with inherent dignity for who we are and not because of our clothing or any outward attribute. This understanding is a foundation to me in a world so quick to judge us based on how we look.
Part of Lena's problem stems from her concern that she must have a perfect appearance. She places a huge value on her personal appearance and she is convinced that others do as well. One of the biggest impediments to personal growth is the mistaken notion that everyone feels the way we do about everything. For example, a person who cheats on their school exam will often tell you, "everyone does it." This statement is simply not true!
Lena was somewhat curious why I did not stress out over packing for my trip and downright amazed that I had not just packed for myself, but for my husband too. She thought everyone stressed out about such things! The day we arranged our get-together, Lena prepared a delicious lunch for me, consisting of a large salad, butternut squash and a spinach quiche. After lunch, I was anxious to sit down and talk to her about her upcoming trip. I know that she was planning to travel with her co-worker Elizabeth.* Lena had a history of barely making flights and annoying both friends and family in the process.
Her two and a half week trip to Eastern Europe would mostly consist of intense business meetings starting early and ending late, dinners, a concert and some sight-seeing. My rule of thumb is if I am traveling for a month, I will need two weeks worth of clothing. Traveling two weeks usually just a weeks worth of clothing will do. I pack a little laundry soap and do one wash load, and I am set. I told her to decide on a color scheme and to accessorize with scarves and belts. One business shoe, one athletic shoe and an evening shoe. Pack slipper socks to lounge around in. That takes up no space.
A golden rule for travel is choosing things which can serve multiple purposes. For example, I have a purse which is appropriate as a day bag but when evening comes simply take off the shoulder strap and it transforms into an evening clutch. I also brought my reversible canvas Valentino tote. One side is simple canvas and the other is canvas with pink lace adornment. This is a great casual bag for sightseeing, and shopping but yet it has a little more sophistication in its' styling. My color scheme was gray, off-white and blue. I add a necklace and a cloisonné bracelet which matches every outfit. Everything that I bring can be mixed and matched so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same outfit all the time. A few multi-colored tank tops, in the above color scheme, and we are set.
When Lena begins to try on her clothing and we begin to go through her collection of handbags, we quickly find all the right items that she needs to pack for her trip. The attire looked lovely on her and was appropriate for the trip that she was planning. Lena has great taste in clothing. We create a pile of clothing to pack in no time! However, as we dig into the job of packing, I sense we hit a sensitive spot in Lena's life. She is an intelligent and well-accomplished woman. Why does she need me to help her make some simple clothing decisions? Beneath Lena's slick veneer lies a woman unsure of her own worth. Is she skinny enough? Is she pretty enough?
Many women struggle their whole life with feelings of low-esteem. They can never hear a compliment. Sometimes, like Lena, they drive everyone around them crazy because they have failed to come to terms with a core issue of their existence, which is, who are we and where does our worth come from? The Bible has a lot of guidance about what's really important. Here are a few verses of wisdom to help us along.
1 Peter 3:3-4 : Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of the inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Samuel 16:7 : But the Lord said to Samuel,"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
These two verses point out that who we are is much more important than what we look like. There is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking good, but let's make sure to put that into perspective. God places a higher value on the development of our character than anything else. Others around us may judge us by the wrong standards but we can rise above that and understand what really matters, and that is, your heart. God bless you.
*names are changed.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
In Love Remotely?
I have been watching a friend throw herself at a man, and it is hard to watch. All sorts of things are going through my mind about it. The first thing was a funny and sad book that was written in 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called, He's Just Not That Into You. This book highlights many letters written by women to Greg asking him for advice about their love life. He inevitably answers all the inquiries with the phrase he's just not that into you and then explains why.
My regular readers will be familiar with the name Shannon* whom I highlighted last year in my blog post, Love Gone Wrong. This is one of my top ten most popular blog posts. If you have not read it already go to this March 2016 post to give yourself some background on this story. Here is an update on Shannon. Shannon has now been divorced almost a year. She is hardly the person I used to know. Divorce changes a person.
This whole thing has broken her in many ways. The truth is she was never as strong as she pretended to be. None of us are. Divorce is like climbing Mount Everest. It is a challenge, you know it's going to be a challenge. You know that all your resources: physical, emotional and spiritual will be tested. Many people that I know think divorce will bring them the happiness that has alluded them. People have all sorts of pre-conceptions about what divorce will be like. But, then you face the mountain, and it's a monster!
Shannon's husband hooked up with a younger woman and if that isn't bad enough, he has continued to squeeze her financially in any way that he is able. He just never lets up in his quest to stealthily steal anything that he can from Shannon, even after their divorce. This includes wheeler-dealer tactics as they sold their former marital abode. She won't tell me exactly what happened, because she doesn't want to even think about it. She doesn't want to think about a lot of things. She did let me know that he managed to keep the majority of the profit from the sale of that house. I think she is embarrassed that she just can't handle this fight anymore. She has always seen herself as a scrappy Irish fighter, but all the fight seems to have gone out of her. She is struggling to understand who she really is in light of this divorce.
If only she could see some of these events in the light of God's love and comfort. If only she could understand the Christian lifestyle, including marriage advice. This would help her to understand what she has done to contribute to her divorce and how turning to God at this time in her life could assure a different outcome the next time. She so wants a new man in her life, but what sort of a man will Shannon get? What are the possibilities?
The people we choose as mates most often represent our level of maturity and wisdom. They also seem to show patterns that were ingrained in us as children. Without God's assistance in our dating life we can easily slip into unhealthy and dissatisfying relationships. Shannon's parents were divorced when she was just a toddler, thereby normalizing divorce for her. She has never questioned divorce or its meaning. Her husband had been the divorced father of two small boys when she met him 14 years ago. He get sole custody of those two boys in the divorce. She didn't think much about that or question him about the reason for the divorce. Of course, he blamed it all on his ex-wife. That is always a red-flag for me!
I remember at the time, Shannon was head-over-heels in love with this guy. She asked me what I thought of the situation. At the time, I questioned her about marrying a divorced man. I told her that when my husband carried me over the "threshold", I knew that I was the only one who he had done that with. When we started the grand adventure of marriage, we would both be exploring it together for the first time. I asked her why he got divorced and why he had sole-custody of the children. Her reply was that "this woman was evil" and that "she wanted nothing to do with these children." Shannon could fill in no more details than that. It sounded like she was reading from a scripted version of what really happened. I wondered aloud what his ex-wife might opine.
Those questions were answered for me as I watched in horror when Shannon went through her own divorce with her husband Rocky.* Suddenly, Rocky began depicting her as evil and trumped up allegations against her aimed at winning sole-custody of their one child together. Well now, Shannon is head-over-heels in love with Shaun.* Surprised? He has been married two times and I am not sure that he is divorced from his second wife. Shannon told me that she thinks "he just married the wrong women." She (Shannon) is "nothing like his second wife."
Shannon and Shaun knew each other in high school and through the marvels of the Internet she and he are able to communicate daily via Facebook, FaceTime and instant messaging. He currently resides in the state of Texas and she lives in Westchester County, N.Y. They have been communicating electronically for about a year and a half. They met briefly last fall when he breezed through town on his way to visit his family who reside in the Northeastern United States. Rather than have a cordial and romantic evening, Shaun and Shannon immediately had a disagreement and Shannon asked Shaun to leave. The feelings that get aroused electronically can never equal the in-person expectations that are generated. Shaun and Shannon both take perfect selfies but it does not seem real to me.
The realities of heartbreak and the dissapointments of life can not be effectively alleviated via text messaging. The best it can do is numb us temporarily or give us false courage like an alcoholic beverage might. Just like an alcoholic beverage, sometimes when we wake up from the stupor, we understand it was not reality. Shannon has told me that she loves this man. Shannon does have other possibilities too. She has been asked out to dinner by a number of men locally. But, these men can't seem to hold a candle to this long-distance boyfriend and she ends up ending every encounter after a single date. It seems surreal, almost like one of those prison romances. We have all asked ourselves, what those are all about?
Shaun or a prison pen-pal can not dissapoint by dropping tomato sauce on their tie or eating with their mouth open. You won't have any conflicts about what movie to see or what restaurant to go to. Maybe, Shannon and Shaun don't want to get hurt again as they did in their marriages. No blended family problems, or fighting about money, sounds good right? Wrong. Shaun and Shannon are merely putting a bandaid on their broken lives when in fact it looks like they need a more comprehensive treatment. Beware of things which make you feel good for the moment but fail to satisfy. Pornography, alcohol, and drugs fall into this category, as does excessive shopping. Online romances are frequently a fantasy like video games. You feel all puffed up, as if you just really slayed a dragon or think, this man really loves me.
Shannon texts Shaun when she is bored at work or has a break in her day. She has a distraction to detract from the workplace stress that she needs to find a solution for. He feels desirable again but doesn't have to face his fear of committment issues. The truth is, whenever Shannon tries to get a little closer, he does not text or call her back. He is just not that into her! He avoids her texts if she gets too emotional or if their online musings are getting a little too real for him. She doesn't have to face the character issues that she really needs to work on and neither does he. This is not a good thing. Their character issues have, and will continue to, effect those around them including their children, family and workplaces. God has a better plan for all of us. He wants our character and relationships to point to higher and more eternal principles. Those principles include hope, working through problems, and meaningful relationships with Him and one another.
* the names are changed. Actually, my friend asked me to call her Shannon, if I ever told her story on this blog.
My regular readers will be familiar with the name Shannon* whom I highlighted last year in my blog post, Love Gone Wrong. This is one of my top ten most popular blog posts. If you have not read it already go to this March 2016 post to give yourself some background on this story. Here is an update on Shannon. Shannon has now been divorced almost a year. She is hardly the person I used to know. Divorce changes a person.
This whole thing has broken her in many ways. The truth is she was never as strong as she pretended to be. None of us are. Divorce is like climbing Mount Everest. It is a challenge, you know it's going to be a challenge. You know that all your resources: physical, emotional and spiritual will be tested. Many people that I know think divorce will bring them the happiness that has alluded them. People have all sorts of pre-conceptions about what divorce will be like. But, then you face the mountain, and it's a monster!
Shannon's husband hooked up with a younger woman and if that isn't bad enough, he has continued to squeeze her financially in any way that he is able. He just never lets up in his quest to stealthily steal anything that he can from Shannon, even after their divorce. This includes wheeler-dealer tactics as they sold their former marital abode. She won't tell me exactly what happened, because she doesn't want to even think about it. She doesn't want to think about a lot of things. She did let me know that he managed to keep the majority of the profit from the sale of that house. I think she is embarrassed that she just can't handle this fight anymore. She has always seen herself as a scrappy Irish fighter, but all the fight seems to have gone out of her. She is struggling to understand who she really is in light of this divorce.
If only she could see some of these events in the light of God's love and comfort. If only she could understand the Christian lifestyle, including marriage advice. This would help her to understand what she has done to contribute to her divorce and how turning to God at this time in her life could assure a different outcome the next time. She so wants a new man in her life, but what sort of a man will Shannon get? What are the possibilities?
The people we choose as mates most often represent our level of maturity and wisdom. They also seem to show patterns that were ingrained in us as children. Without God's assistance in our dating life we can easily slip into unhealthy and dissatisfying relationships. Shannon's parents were divorced when she was just a toddler, thereby normalizing divorce for her. She has never questioned divorce or its meaning. Her husband had been the divorced father of two small boys when she met him 14 years ago. He get sole custody of those two boys in the divorce. She didn't think much about that or question him about the reason for the divorce. Of course, he blamed it all on his ex-wife. That is always a red-flag for me!
I remember at the time, Shannon was head-over-heels in love with this guy. She asked me what I thought of the situation. At the time, I questioned her about marrying a divorced man. I told her that when my husband carried me over the "threshold", I knew that I was the only one who he had done that with. When we started the grand adventure of marriage, we would both be exploring it together for the first time. I asked her why he got divorced and why he had sole-custody of the children. Her reply was that "this woman was evil" and that "she wanted nothing to do with these children." Shannon could fill in no more details than that. It sounded like she was reading from a scripted version of what really happened. I wondered aloud what his ex-wife might opine.
Those questions were answered for me as I watched in horror when Shannon went through her own divorce with her husband Rocky.* Suddenly, Rocky began depicting her as evil and trumped up allegations against her aimed at winning sole-custody of their one child together. Well now, Shannon is head-over-heels in love with Shaun.* Surprised? He has been married two times and I am not sure that he is divorced from his second wife. Shannon told me that she thinks "he just married the wrong women." She (Shannon) is "nothing like his second wife."
Shannon and Shaun knew each other in high school and through the marvels of the Internet she and he are able to communicate daily via Facebook, FaceTime and instant messaging. He currently resides in the state of Texas and she lives in Westchester County, N.Y. They have been communicating electronically for about a year and a half. They met briefly last fall when he breezed through town on his way to visit his family who reside in the Northeastern United States. Rather than have a cordial and romantic evening, Shaun and Shannon immediately had a disagreement and Shannon asked Shaun to leave. The feelings that get aroused electronically can never equal the in-person expectations that are generated. Shaun and Shannon both take perfect selfies but it does not seem real to me.
The realities of heartbreak and the dissapointments of life can not be effectively alleviated via text messaging. The best it can do is numb us temporarily or give us false courage like an alcoholic beverage might. Just like an alcoholic beverage, sometimes when we wake up from the stupor, we understand it was not reality. Shannon has told me that she loves this man. Shannon does have other possibilities too. She has been asked out to dinner by a number of men locally. But, these men can't seem to hold a candle to this long-distance boyfriend and she ends up ending every encounter after a single date. It seems surreal, almost like one of those prison romances. We have all asked ourselves, what those are all about?
Shaun or a prison pen-pal can not dissapoint by dropping tomato sauce on their tie or eating with their mouth open. You won't have any conflicts about what movie to see or what restaurant to go to. Maybe, Shannon and Shaun don't want to get hurt again as they did in their marriages. No blended family problems, or fighting about money, sounds good right? Wrong. Shaun and Shannon are merely putting a bandaid on their broken lives when in fact it looks like they need a more comprehensive treatment. Beware of things which make you feel good for the moment but fail to satisfy. Pornography, alcohol, and drugs fall into this category, as does excessive shopping. Online romances are frequently a fantasy like video games. You feel all puffed up, as if you just really slayed a dragon or think, this man really loves me.
Shannon texts Shaun when she is bored at work or has a break in her day. She has a distraction to detract from the workplace stress that she needs to find a solution for. He feels desirable again but doesn't have to face his fear of committment issues. The truth is, whenever Shannon tries to get a little closer, he does not text or call her back. He is just not that into her! He avoids her texts if she gets too emotional or if their online musings are getting a little too real for him. She doesn't have to face the character issues that she really needs to work on and neither does he. This is not a good thing. Their character issues have, and will continue to, effect those around them including their children, family and workplaces. God has a better plan for all of us. He wants our character and relationships to point to higher and more eternal principles. Those principles include hope, working through problems, and meaningful relationships with Him and one another.
* the names are changed. Actually, my friend asked me to call her Shannon, if I ever told her story on this blog.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Love and Loss in Westchester
Do you believe that old expression, "It is better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all?" That expression always bothered me since I first heard it in childhood. It seems like such a negative view of the world and it's ability to love. Isn't it saying that this world is short on love, so be happy if you get some little crumb of love? This week I am reflecting on this topic.
Love and loss seems all around us some time. In this season of weddings, I was very saddened to learn that a wedding, which I was planning to attend, was canceled. The invitations had been sent, and I was already thinking what gift to buy for this couple and what I would wear to the event. A short time after that, I received a call from the mother of the bride tearfully telling me that the wedding was off!
I also learned this week that an old friend was moving to California. I was really saddened by this. Clara* was someone that I really connected to. Things had never been the same for Clara since she had gotten divorced from her husband. I know that moving nearer to some family members would make her feel less alone, but I sorely felt my loss. Our relationship would not be the same with her moving three thousand miles away.
This, at the same time that I had been estranged from my friend Frankie* for two months. Frankie stopped talking to me and my husband when he perceived that I did not support him as he struggled through a property-line dispute. I did not say or do what he expected me to do in the situation. As a result, he was done with me!
In the last couple of months I have been experiencing or seeing a lot of failed relationships. Gee, this love thing is not so easy. Should I just feel happy for the good times that I had with Clara and Frankie and accept that things change? Or, happy that the above-mentioned couple called off their wedding before they made a big mistake? Maybe.
But, what I really felt was a sense of loss. I felt the hurt and loss that this couple will feel as the result of their break-up. Each time we love and loose we will grapple with pessimism and trust issues. I felt the hurt and loss of time that I would have spent with Clara: doing crafts, laughing, and crying together. Face -to-face times of refreshment. There are no hugs while greeting her from my phone screen.
As far as my friendship with Frankie was concerned, it was hard not to get depressed over the loss of a close friend like Frankie. And for what? Because I didn't agree with the way he handled a dispute that he had with his neighbor? What more could I have done? I told him that I understood how he felt. I also took a lot of time to go over scripture which could support and help him toward a godly response.
A lot of love and loss occurs because we are unwilling to work on ourselves and work to maintain our relationships. We fail to appreciate the value of friends and family and take them for granted. Then, we miss them when they are gone. God is so patient with us, so we must be patient with others. God loves us with an everlasting love, so that must be our standard too.
Sometimes, like in the case of Frankie, we can not brook constructive criticism. We will break an engagement, ruin a good friendship, or reject a family member because we don't agree with something that is said to us. How foolish we are and how petty. Frequently people are telling us the truth. In my case with Frankie, I could not go along with his way of doing things. I knew it to be ungodly. As much as I loved him, I could not agree with him.
Sometimes, when we grew up in a family that did not know how to handle conflicts within their ranks or in the greater community properly, we struggle with this our whole lives. The result is broken family, friendships and conflict at work and in our neighborhood. It needn't be this way. In fact, a large swath of the Bible is concerned with teaching us new ways of living
.
What are some of these ways of living? Firstly, be self-aware. Far from the stereotype that the media plays of Christians being emotionally shut-down, the Word of God encourages us to "consider our ways." It is essential to reflect on our ways of doing things and think about the wisdom of our actions. Therefore, the Bible encourages us to have self-awareness.and to consider our thoughts and behavior very carefully. 'This is what the Lord God Almighty says," Give careful thought to your ways."-Haggai 1:7
Secondly, accountability is essential. We are to be accountable to God and one another. One of the foundations of a fulfilling relationship is accountability. In a loving relationship we need to be able to hear what others have to say about things and value their contributions to our life and well-being. We must humbly accept that we don't always see things clearly and further, that we don't know everything. "Without counsel purposes are disappointed :But in the multitude of counsellers they are established."-Proverbs 15:22
Finally, realize that people move away or pass away from this world every day. Therefore, treasure the moments that you have with people in your life. Appreciate the gift of friendship that has been given to you by God. Thank God for this gift and show appreciation. This won't heal every relationship or solve all your inter-personal problems, but it's a start!
P.S.- Good news everyone. Frankie and I have worked things out. However, my husband and Frankie have yet to patch things up. Please keep the situation in prayer. Thank you.
* the names have been changed.
Love and loss seems all around us some time. In this season of weddings, I was very saddened to learn that a wedding, which I was planning to attend, was canceled. The invitations had been sent, and I was already thinking what gift to buy for this couple and what I would wear to the event. A short time after that, I received a call from the mother of the bride tearfully telling me that the wedding was off!
I also learned this week that an old friend was moving to California. I was really saddened by this. Clara* was someone that I really connected to. Things had never been the same for Clara since she had gotten divorced from her husband. I know that moving nearer to some family members would make her feel less alone, but I sorely felt my loss. Our relationship would not be the same with her moving three thousand miles away.
This, at the same time that I had been estranged from my friend Frankie* for two months. Frankie stopped talking to me and my husband when he perceived that I did not support him as he struggled through a property-line dispute. I did not say or do what he expected me to do in the situation. As a result, he was done with me!
In the last couple of months I have been experiencing or seeing a lot of failed relationships. Gee, this love thing is not so easy. Should I just feel happy for the good times that I had with Clara and Frankie and accept that things change? Or, happy that the above-mentioned couple called off their wedding before they made a big mistake? Maybe.
But, what I really felt was a sense of loss. I felt the hurt and loss that this couple will feel as the result of their break-up. Each time we love and loose we will grapple with pessimism and trust issues. I felt the hurt and loss of time that I would have spent with Clara: doing crafts, laughing, and crying together. Face -to-face times of refreshment. There are no hugs while greeting her from my phone screen.
As far as my friendship with Frankie was concerned, it was hard not to get depressed over the loss of a close friend like Frankie. And for what? Because I didn't agree with the way he handled a dispute that he had with his neighbor? What more could I have done? I told him that I understood how he felt. I also took a lot of time to go over scripture which could support and help him toward a godly response.
A lot of love and loss occurs because we are unwilling to work on ourselves and work to maintain our relationships. We fail to appreciate the value of friends and family and take them for granted. Then, we miss them when they are gone. God is so patient with us, so we must be patient with others. God loves us with an everlasting love, so that must be our standard too.
Sometimes, like in the case of Frankie, we can not brook constructive criticism. We will break an engagement, ruin a good friendship, or reject a family member because we don't agree with something that is said to us. How foolish we are and how petty. Frequently people are telling us the truth. In my case with Frankie, I could not go along with his way of doing things. I knew it to be ungodly. As much as I loved him, I could not agree with him.
Sometimes, when we grew up in a family that did not know how to handle conflicts within their ranks or in the greater community properly, we struggle with this our whole lives. The result is broken family, friendships and conflict at work and in our neighborhood. It needn't be this way. In fact, a large swath of the Bible is concerned with teaching us new ways of living
.
What are some of these ways of living? Firstly, be self-aware. Far from the stereotype that the media plays of Christians being emotionally shut-down, the Word of God encourages us to "consider our ways." It is essential to reflect on our ways of doing things and think about the wisdom of our actions. Therefore, the Bible encourages us to have self-awareness.and to consider our thoughts and behavior very carefully. 'This is what the Lord God Almighty says," Give careful thought to your ways."-Haggai 1:7
Secondly, accountability is essential. We are to be accountable to God and one another. One of the foundations of a fulfilling relationship is accountability. In a loving relationship we need to be able to hear what others have to say about things and value their contributions to our life and well-being. We must humbly accept that we don't always see things clearly and further, that we don't know everything. "Without counsel purposes are disappointed :But in the multitude of counsellers they are established."-Proverbs 15:22
Finally, realize that people move away or pass away from this world every day. Therefore, treasure the moments that you have with people in your life. Appreciate the gift of friendship that has been given to you by God. Thank God for this gift and show appreciation. This won't heal every relationship or solve all your inter-personal problems, but it's a start!
P.S.- Good news everyone. Frankie and I have worked things out. However, my husband and Frankie have yet to patch things up. Please keep the situation in prayer. Thank you.
* the names have been changed.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
What does your driving say about your relationship with God?
All of our actions tell a tale of who we are and what we believe. So come take a ride with me on the roads of Westchester County,N.Y. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they drive. Charlize* and Jade* attended the same Church and for convenience sake decided to car-pool. They both live in Rockland County across the bridge from their Church in Westchester. However, Charlize got more than she bargained for the first time Jade picked her up. Jade's car was cut off by another car on the highway. This is an experience that we all have, no? Charlize held on to her seat as mild-mannered Jade put her foot on the gas pedal and dodged through traffic in order to "get that driver back." She weaved in and out of traffic until she got in front of that car and then slammed her foot on the breaks, causing that driver to have to hit his brakes also! By this point, Charlize's heart was beating rapidly. "Jade what are you doing?" Charlize yelled. With an air of victory, Jade replies, "haven't you ever heard of a Bronx Brake Job?"
Then there is Jacques*. Jacques volunteered to take an aging group of ladies to a political event here in Westchester County. I thought this was very nice since a few of those ladies would not have been able to attend the event otherwise. One of the ladies is legally blind. On the highway, Jacques is unhappy with other drivers and complains out loud about how slow everyone is driving. Note to self Jacques: it can't always be everyone else, sometimes it is you! He imagines all sorts of things that aren't true, such as that other drivers are out to get him. Pretty soon he is rolling down his window and shouting "f**k y*u" to random people.
Shall I go on? Then there is Olivia*. Olivia is just about the sweetest and kindest person that I know. Until she gets behind the wheel of her car. It is then that she does not have the patience of Job! "Why won't she turn, this is a right-on-red State!" Or, "what's he waiting for, honk, honk!" All day long in Westchester County, I see people crossing double yellow lines or cutting off trucks and school buses because people did not leave enough time to get where they are going. Did you ever notice how when a traffic lane is closed that people usually don't take turns merging into the single lane? People honk when there is the slightest little traffic jam on a residential block, even if it is only 7 o'clock in the morning and your car is a few feet from someone's front door. Honking should be used for safety and not to try to rush a driver ahead of you who is only waiting for an elderly person to safely cross the street or is dealing with a construction zone. Our car radios are our business and need not be foisted upon everyone who is trying to sleep after an overnight work shift or walking past our car on the street. The decibel level of groups of cars honking and loud radio playing is unhealthy.
The way we drive tells a lot about where we are emotionally and spiritually. It tells us what we think and feel about others and must be addressed. The fruit of a godly life is seen in a person's character. When Jade takes dangerous chances putting both her life and Charlize's in danger merely to pay back another person on the highway, she shows us how fruitless the cycle of revenge is. Attending church and ministry events will not change our way of doing things until we are willing to address the false philosophy's that we are playing out. Jade is a perfect example of this because she faithfully attended every women's ministry event at Church and reads her bible everyday.
Jacques was always ready to lend a helping hand to those in need or to volunteer in his community. But, he drives too fast and does not understand how to give and take on the road. He struggles with feelings of paranoia and anger as he drives. He has dismissed his wife's complaints over the years. He even dismissed the comments of Mrs.A****** as he drove her to that political rally. Even a blind woman tried to help Jacques but he himself seemed blind to his true self.
Crossing double lines, trying to unfairly pull ahead of others are behaviors that all break either societal or moral laws. We may not even realize it but these infractions add up to create quality of life issues for all of us. Would you think twice about speeding if I told you that many parents in my community have stopped letting their children walk to school because of fear of speeding drivers? Many people commuting to work have nothing on their mind except getting to their job on time. Nothing or no body else matters. May I suggest getting up an hour earlier? Must we wonder why children are the fastest growing segment of the population struggling with obesity? Many parents are afraid to let their children play outside, so much so, that these children end up living sedentary lifestyles.
Take a few minutes and think about what your driving indicates about you. It may be time to reframe the way you think about some things. We must play fairly on the road of life. We have to share the road with other drivers. Loving our neighbor includes those on the road. Let's aim to be the kind of person that the Apostle Paul describes in his letter to the Galatian people:
*the names are changed.
Then there is Jacques*. Jacques volunteered to take an aging group of ladies to a political event here in Westchester County. I thought this was very nice since a few of those ladies would not have been able to attend the event otherwise. One of the ladies is legally blind. On the highway, Jacques is unhappy with other drivers and complains out loud about how slow everyone is driving. Note to self Jacques: it can't always be everyone else, sometimes it is you! He imagines all sorts of things that aren't true, such as that other drivers are out to get him. Pretty soon he is rolling down his window and shouting "f**k y*u" to random people.
Shall I go on? Then there is Olivia*. Olivia is just about the sweetest and kindest person that I know. Until she gets behind the wheel of her car. It is then that she does not have the patience of Job! "Why won't she turn, this is a right-on-red State!" Or, "what's he waiting for, honk, honk!" All day long in Westchester County, I see people crossing double yellow lines or cutting off trucks and school buses because people did not leave enough time to get where they are going. Did you ever notice how when a traffic lane is closed that people usually don't take turns merging into the single lane? People honk when there is the slightest little traffic jam on a residential block, even if it is only 7 o'clock in the morning and your car is a few feet from someone's front door. Honking should be used for safety and not to try to rush a driver ahead of you who is only waiting for an elderly person to safely cross the street or is dealing with a construction zone. Our car radios are our business and need not be foisted upon everyone who is trying to sleep after an overnight work shift or walking past our car on the street. The decibel level of groups of cars honking and loud radio playing is unhealthy.
The way we drive tells a lot about where we are emotionally and spiritually. It tells us what we think and feel about others and must be addressed. The fruit of a godly life is seen in a person's character. When Jade takes dangerous chances putting both her life and Charlize's in danger merely to pay back another person on the highway, she shows us how fruitless the cycle of revenge is. Attending church and ministry events will not change our way of doing things until we are willing to address the false philosophy's that we are playing out. Jade is a perfect example of this because she faithfully attended every women's ministry event at Church and reads her bible everyday.
Jacques was always ready to lend a helping hand to those in need or to volunteer in his community. But, he drives too fast and does not understand how to give and take on the road. He struggles with feelings of paranoia and anger as he drives. He has dismissed his wife's complaints over the years. He even dismissed the comments of Mrs.A****** as he drove her to that political rally. Even a blind woman tried to help Jacques but he himself seemed blind to his true self.
Crossing double lines, trying to unfairly pull ahead of others are behaviors that all break either societal or moral laws. We may not even realize it but these infractions add up to create quality of life issues for all of us. Would you think twice about speeding if I told you that many parents in my community have stopped letting their children walk to school because of fear of speeding drivers? Many people commuting to work have nothing on their mind except getting to their job on time. Nothing or no body else matters. May I suggest getting up an hour earlier? Must we wonder why children are the fastest growing segment of the population struggling with obesity? Many parents are afraid to let their children play outside, so much so, that these children end up living sedentary lifestyles.
Take a few minutes and think about what your driving indicates about you. It may be time to reframe the way you think about some things. We must play fairly on the road of life. We have to share the road with other drivers. Loving our neighbor includes those on the road. Let's aim to be the kind of person that the Apostle Paul describes in his letter to the Galatian people:
Galatians 5:22-23King James Version (KJV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
*the names are changed.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Jailed & Unlovable
Who are the most unlovable people in society? My first inclination would be to say anyone incarcerated. Yes, the men and women who are in prison struggle to find acceptance in their families and in their communities.
For the people who are guilty, they are in prison because they have breeched societal and moral laws. The crimes run the gamut from smaller to larger. A person can have a traffic violation, be in for domestic abuse, drug charges all the way up to serial murder. Then there are the sexual crimes of rape and pedophilia. Nowadays, there also seems to be many cases of terrorism too.
How can we handle it when a family member or a friend is incarcerated? How does the man or woman in prison handle all of it? And, what is our approach if we are Christians? These are complex and challenging questions.
When someone you love is incarcerated there is a whole panoply of emotions released such as: anger, shame, and grief. There can be a sense of justice or even relief since families often know what their loved ones have been doing. Sometimes, the separation is welcomed when there has been ongoing abuse or criminality. There can even be guilt because, although we love someone, we are also glad they are not in the home anymore or we know that they deserve the punishment.
What of the person in prison? They too go through a vast array of similar emotions. They are embarrassed and ashamed. Many of them are deeply depressed. Some prisoners know they have done wrong and earnestly repent for what they have done. Some accept responsibility for what they have done and understand that they need to pay their "debt to society." Others, do not.
Often, incarceration represents the end result of a lifetime of dysfunction. Criminals just don't happen. They have to be taught to steal or beat their wives and then practice the behavior. Many people in prison have or will be diagnosed with a psychological ailment. Frequently, the family was in denial about the mental disorder all along or even negligent in the care of such a person. Do they also bear responsibility?
In the case of Harry*, he had a father who beat him and his mother. He ended up in prison for the same offense. Long-held family notions of female ownership and anger issues have been a recipe for family dysfunction for generations. Families are enablers when they allow bad things to go on and make excuses. When Harry got arrested and convicted for beating his wife, his children disowned him. Harry was heart-broken. He was lonely and wanted to receive telephone calls, letters and visits. His children wanted to forget about Harry. They hated him. They wanted to pay him back for all the wrong that he had done to them in their childhoods. Yet, will this bring them happiness? The answer is no.
Then there is the story of Darlene.* I reached out to help a disabled and traumatized girl at a church about seven years ago. Her name was Keisha.* Keisha was originally from Oakland, California but was residing in Westchester County, N.Y. while she attended NYU (New York University). She had been given a scholarship based on economic and social needs. She had a drive and motivation to get as far away from her mother, Darlene, and her dysfunctional family as was possible. She wrote a compelling essay to NYU with her college application describing the horrific circumstances of her life. Those circumstances included having a mother in jail for Grand Theft.
Darlene had taken advantage of not just a boss, but a college buddy who gave her a job when she was in need. She used her position as an accountant to steal $30,000 from her friend and employer. A man who gave her children Christmas gifts when they had none. A man who was loved by Darlene's children, especially Keisha, like family. If that wasn't bad enough, Darlene stole her daughter's identity and ruined her credit. Keisha had succeeded in gettting 3,000 miles away from her mother when she got accepted to NYU. She thought she had finally escaped from her mother, but had she?
Biblical wisdom and a relationship with God can give us insight into what we are feeling and lead us toward healing and regeneration. Do you remember the story of Judas Iscariot? He was one of the very closest associates of Jesus Christ. It is heart-breaking to think that one so close to Jesus would actually choose to betray him. Isn't it equally heart-breaking to think of how Harry and Darlene had chosen to betray those so close to them? The story of Judas Iscariot gives us much insight into the feelings we have as human beings when we feel betrayed. 'But Jesus said to him,"Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"-Luke 22:48. Through much prayer and supplication we can begin to develop an approach for dealing with the prisoners in our midst.
Just as Jesus advised his followers to not take revenge on those who betrayed Him, we are wise not to try to get back at people who have hurt us by hurting them back. Sometimes we wish to get our spouses or parents back for betraying us. But, we choose not to do that. This would only begin a process that will bring long-term bad results in our lives. "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword"-Mathew 26:52. Also in the Gospel of Matthew we read in Chapter 5:39 that if someone slaps us on one cheek we are to offer the other cheek. This is an often misunderstood verse, which really intends to show us the futility of the power struggle of revenge and violence.
In the above story, both Harry's children and Keisha had a partial motivation of paying back their loved ones by withholding mercy and love. But, they also mistrusted and feared their parent. Writing or visiting a family member does not mean you condone what they have done. It also does not mean ignoring the problems. In fact, it is critically essential to deal with the true facts of your family history and dynamics. You need to tell your incarcerated family member just how you feel. Are you physically, and emotionally safe in this relationship? If the answer is no, you need to stay away from that situation. But, it does not mean that you should not come to forgiveness and acceptance of the situation that you are in.
Processing the complex emotions that you have ensures that you will truly escape the family problems that may reach into your life. For example, Keisha managed to get far away from her mother. She did not want to talk or think about her mother. She was sure that she would never make any of the mistakes that her mother Darlene had made. But, the roots of family dysfunction reach deep into our life and we must work hard to weed them out. We might not realize that what we saw occurring in our childhood homes becomes our default setting of behavior. Keisha ended up taking advantage of a nice Christian guy that she dated. She used him financially. This left him feeling betrayed. She skipped out on rent with a roommate. She ended up using my address and claiming I was her mother. I received letters and telephone calls for years from billing agencies and car companies looking for payments from Keisha.
God tells us to forgive, so, that we can be forgiven for the things that we have done. Keisha needs to both forgive her mother and receive forgiveness from those she has hurt, including God. This is the human condition. We are sinners just as much as the imprisoned men and women that we may know. Hebrews 13:3 tells us "remember the prisoners." This verse encourages us to have mercy even for those people who have hurt us and others in a most egregious way. If we as Christians do not try to teach them about God, thereby ensuring their growth and change, who will?
There is hope that someone in prison can repent and change the whole direction of their life. That hope is in God Almighty. "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Write a letter to an incarcerated relative, tell them how you feel. Ask them why they did what they did and if they are sorry for it. Tell them about Jesus. Include this passage from 1 John 1:9 which says,"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
*names have been changed.
For the people who are guilty, they are in prison because they have breeched societal and moral laws. The crimes run the gamut from smaller to larger. A person can have a traffic violation, be in for domestic abuse, drug charges all the way up to serial murder. Then there are the sexual crimes of rape and pedophilia. Nowadays, there also seems to be many cases of terrorism too.
How can we handle it when a family member or a friend is incarcerated? How does the man or woman in prison handle all of it? And, what is our approach if we are Christians? These are complex and challenging questions.
When someone you love is incarcerated there is a whole panoply of emotions released such as: anger, shame, and grief. There can be a sense of justice or even relief since families often know what their loved ones have been doing. Sometimes, the separation is welcomed when there has been ongoing abuse or criminality. There can even be guilt because, although we love someone, we are also glad they are not in the home anymore or we know that they deserve the punishment.
What of the person in prison? They too go through a vast array of similar emotions. They are embarrassed and ashamed. Many of them are deeply depressed. Some prisoners know they have done wrong and earnestly repent for what they have done. Some accept responsibility for what they have done and understand that they need to pay their "debt to society." Others, do not.
Often, incarceration represents the end result of a lifetime of dysfunction. Criminals just don't happen. They have to be taught to steal or beat their wives and then practice the behavior. Many people in prison have or will be diagnosed with a psychological ailment. Frequently, the family was in denial about the mental disorder all along or even negligent in the care of such a person. Do they also bear responsibility?
In the case of Harry*, he had a father who beat him and his mother. He ended up in prison for the same offense. Long-held family notions of female ownership and anger issues have been a recipe for family dysfunction for generations. Families are enablers when they allow bad things to go on and make excuses. When Harry got arrested and convicted for beating his wife, his children disowned him. Harry was heart-broken. He was lonely and wanted to receive telephone calls, letters and visits. His children wanted to forget about Harry. They hated him. They wanted to pay him back for all the wrong that he had done to them in their childhoods. Yet, will this bring them happiness? The answer is no.
Then there is the story of Darlene.* I reached out to help a disabled and traumatized girl at a church about seven years ago. Her name was Keisha.* Keisha was originally from Oakland, California but was residing in Westchester County, N.Y. while she attended NYU (New York University). She had been given a scholarship based on economic and social needs. She had a drive and motivation to get as far away from her mother, Darlene, and her dysfunctional family as was possible. She wrote a compelling essay to NYU with her college application describing the horrific circumstances of her life. Those circumstances included having a mother in jail for Grand Theft.
Darlene had taken advantage of not just a boss, but a college buddy who gave her a job when she was in need. She used her position as an accountant to steal $30,000 from her friend and employer. A man who gave her children Christmas gifts when they had none. A man who was loved by Darlene's children, especially Keisha, like family. If that wasn't bad enough, Darlene stole her daughter's identity and ruined her credit. Keisha had succeeded in gettting 3,000 miles away from her mother when she got accepted to NYU. She thought she had finally escaped from her mother, but had she?
Biblical wisdom and a relationship with God can give us insight into what we are feeling and lead us toward healing and regeneration. Do you remember the story of Judas Iscariot? He was one of the very closest associates of Jesus Christ. It is heart-breaking to think that one so close to Jesus would actually choose to betray him. Isn't it equally heart-breaking to think of how Harry and Darlene had chosen to betray those so close to them? The story of Judas Iscariot gives us much insight into the feelings we have as human beings when we feel betrayed. 'But Jesus said to him,"Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"-Luke 22:48. Through much prayer and supplication we can begin to develop an approach for dealing with the prisoners in our midst.
Just as Jesus advised his followers to not take revenge on those who betrayed Him, we are wise not to try to get back at people who have hurt us by hurting them back. Sometimes we wish to get our spouses or parents back for betraying us. But, we choose not to do that. This would only begin a process that will bring long-term bad results in our lives. "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword"-Mathew 26:52. Also in the Gospel of Matthew we read in Chapter 5:39 that if someone slaps us on one cheek we are to offer the other cheek. This is an often misunderstood verse, which really intends to show us the futility of the power struggle of revenge and violence.
In the above story, both Harry's children and Keisha had a partial motivation of paying back their loved ones by withholding mercy and love. But, they also mistrusted and feared their parent. Writing or visiting a family member does not mean you condone what they have done. It also does not mean ignoring the problems. In fact, it is critically essential to deal with the true facts of your family history and dynamics. You need to tell your incarcerated family member just how you feel. Are you physically, and emotionally safe in this relationship? If the answer is no, you need to stay away from that situation. But, it does not mean that you should not come to forgiveness and acceptance of the situation that you are in.
Processing the complex emotions that you have ensures that you will truly escape the family problems that may reach into your life. For example, Keisha managed to get far away from her mother. She did not want to talk or think about her mother. She was sure that she would never make any of the mistakes that her mother Darlene had made. But, the roots of family dysfunction reach deep into our life and we must work hard to weed them out. We might not realize that what we saw occurring in our childhood homes becomes our default setting of behavior. Keisha ended up taking advantage of a nice Christian guy that she dated. She used him financially. This left him feeling betrayed. She skipped out on rent with a roommate. She ended up using my address and claiming I was her mother. I received letters and telephone calls for years from billing agencies and car companies looking for payments from Keisha.
God tells us to forgive, so, that we can be forgiven for the things that we have done. Keisha needs to both forgive her mother and receive forgiveness from those she has hurt, including God. This is the human condition. We are sinners just as much as the imprisoned men and women that we may know. Hebrews 13:3 tells us "remember the prisoners." This verse encourages us to have mercy even for those people who have hurt us and others in a most egregious way. If we as Christians do not try to teach them about God, thereby ensuring their growth and change, who will?
There is hope that someone in prison can repent and change the whole direction of their life. That hope is in God Almighty. "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Write a letter to an incarcerated relative, tell them how you feel. Ask them why they did what they did and if they are sorry for it. Tell them about Jesus. Include this passage from 1 John 1:9 which says,"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
*names have been changed.
Monday, May 29, 2017
1 Kings 21 & Me
Reading the Bible every morning is a great way to start your day. I know that it is not easy to find time in your daily schedule to read the Bible but it is well worth it. The blessings that come from a daily reading of the Bible are clarity and direction for your life. Just the other day, we opened up the Word to 1 Kings 21 and received such blessings.
1 Kings 21 tells the story of King Ahab attempting to procure the vineyard of a local Jewish man named Naboth. The story begins when King Ahab makes a plea to buy the property that Naboth owns. He tells Naboth that his property is close to his palace and he would like to buy it for a good price and place his own garden there. Money is no object. What does Naboth want? A better than market value price? Perhaps a better vineyard somewhere else?
What ensues is a tale of human treachery and God intervention. King Ahab made an offer which was declined, but he was not willing to accept the answer that Naboth gave him. Naboth explained that he could not sell his land because the Lord gave the land to his tribe and to his people the Jews. King Ahab and his wife Jezebel did not accept this answer. Instead, they had a plan to bring him down so they could get their hands on this land which they coveted. They falsely accused him of treason and he was sentenced to death by stoning.
The King leads a powerful and privileged life, yet with all his power as the King of the Northern Kingdom of Israel he tantrums like a reality television star when he learns Naboth will not sell him his vineyard. He has not learned to be grateful for what he has and finds another man's property to be the object of his affection. It reminds me of the sort of discontent that Eve had in the Garden of Eden. "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; "but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said 'you shall not eat it, nor touch it, lest you die.'" Genesis 3:2-3
There are many King Ahab's in Westchester County, New York and in our world. People who think the world is their oyster and you had just better get out of the way! The week that I read 1 Kings 21, I also heard that a new Westchester luxury apartment building had gone up in flames. This fire appears to be no accident. This luxury building had just celebrated its' grand opening and would be welcoming new tenants shortly. But, now, all that was on hold as police and fire officials tried to determine who was responsible for this fire. The possibilities are : disgruntled construction workers, or community members unhappy with the development project. Thoughts of King Ahab come to mind as I think of the evil of setting a building on fire.
It seems that real estate deals and business not going someone's way has been and still is justification in some people's minds for doing ungodly and evil things. Those things can run the gambit from sabotage, arson, all the way to the taking of human life, as in the case of poor Naboth. There are consequences for all such actions. We may get the thing we want initially but what will be the cost in our life or the lives of others? Let us look at what happens to King Ahab.
He gets the vineyard alright, but in one generation his family reaps the consequences of his dastardly deed. Our families reep the consequences of our poor choices. Sometimes, the family tree grows crooked because we drink, we steal or manipulate. We kill goodness in our family everyday with harsh and cruel words. If you are jealous of your neighbors' cars or swimming pool, you are setting up the next generation on the wrong path. The Bible advises us to pray for our enemies and those who harm us. So, we start with prayer and we study God's instruction book, the Bible. We try to achieve our goals through appropriate channels, such as hard work, and democratic processes. In doing so we help to ensure success of future generations. We must role-model graciousness in defeat. Furthermore, we must keep in mind that God does intervene. He is a present help in times of trouble. He also tells us that judgement is His and He will repay. So, we resist the temptation to take justice into our own hand and rest in the comfort that God is in control..
1 Kings 21 tells the story of King Ahab attempting to procure the vineyard of a local Jewish man named Naboth. The story begins when King Ahab makes a plea to buy the property that Naboth owns. He tells Naboth that his property is close to his palace and he would like to buy it for a good price and place his own garden there. Money is no object. What does Naboth want? A better than market value price? Perhaps a better vineyard somewhere else?
What ensues is a tale of human treachery and God intervention. King Ahab made an offer which was declined, but he was not willing to accept the answer that Naboth gave him. Naboth explained that he could not sell his land because the Lord gave the land to his tribe and to his people the Jews. King Ahab and his wife Jezebel did not accept this answer. Instead, they had a plan to bring him down so they could get their hands on this land which they coveted. They falsely accused him of treason and he was sentenced to death by stoning.
The King leads a powerful and privileged life, yet with all his power as the King of the Northern Kingdom of Israel he tantrums like a reality television star when he learns Naboth will not sell him his vineyard. He has not learned to be grateful for what he has and finds another man's property to be the object of his affection. It reminds me of the sort of discontent that Eve had in the Garden of Eden. "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; "but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said 'you shall not eat it, nor touch it, lest you die.'" Genesis 3:2-3
There are many King Ahab's in Westchester County, New York and in our world. People who think the world is their oyster and you had just better get out of the way! The week that I read 1 Kings 21, I also heard that a new Westchester luxury apartment building had gone up in flames. This fire appears to be no accident. This luxury building had just celebrated its' grand opening and would be welcoming new tenants shortly. But, now, all that was on hold as police and fire officials tried to determine who was responsible for this fire. The possibilities are : disgruntled construction workers, or community members unhappy with the development project. Thoughts of King Ahab come to mind as I think of the evil of setting a building on fire.
It seems that real estate deals and business not going someone's way has been and still is justification in some people's minds for doing ungodly and evil things. Those things can run the gambit from sabotage, arson, all the way to the taking of human life, as in the case of poor Naboth. There are consequences for all such actions. We may get the thing we want initially but what will be the cost in our life or the lives of others? Let us look at what happens to King Ahab.
He gets the vineyard alright, but in one generation his family reaps the consequences of his dastardly deed. Our families reep the consequences of our poor choices. Sometimes, the family tree grows crooked because we drink, we steal or manipulate. We kill goodness in our family everyday with harsh and cruel words. If you are jealous of your neighbors' cars or swimming pool, you are setting up the next generation on the wrong path. The Bible advises us to pray for our enemies and those who harm us. So, we start with prayer and we study God's instruction book, the Bible. We try to achieve our goals through appropriate channels, such as hard work, and democratic processes. In doing so we help to ensure success of future generations. We must role-model graciousness in defeat. Furthermore, we must keep in mind that God does intervene. He is a present help in times of trouble. He also tells us that judgement is His and He will repay. So, we resist the temptation to take justice into our own hand and rest in the comfort that God is in control..
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