"Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so, every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit." (Matthew 7:16-17). This verse can impart much wisdom in our everyday life. If you are interviewing candidates for employment, their references may help you decide if you should hire them or not. Are they competent in their field? Do they use their time constructively? Do they work well with others? "Ye shall know them by their fruits!"
A lab manager I knew brushed aside the "fruit" right in front of him on Michelle's* Linkedin profile. It showed that she hadn't stayed in one position very long in her ten year career. She had credentials from a top-rated University and had what seemed to be decent references in her past employment. She explained on her interview that she has done quite a bit of world travel but she was ready to settle down as her daughter got ready to start kindergarten.
Something had not seemed right to Dr. Hoffmann* but he chose to ignore those feelings and hired Michelle anyway. Later on, Dr. Hoffmann told me that he should have explored further before hiring Michelle. It turned out that Michelle had a major drinking problem. Michelle's previous employers chose not to disclose this because Michelle begged them not to and assured them all that she was now a recovering alcoholic. She worked in a laboratory setting where her drinking could be dangerous to her and those around her. One day she came back from lunch and she had been drinking. When confronted by Dr. Hoffmann, she denied everything, even as she reeked of alcohol and slurred her words. She had to be fired for drinking on the job.
If you seek discernment concerning a man that you are interested in dating, ask yourself what are his "fruits?" Does he treat his family well? Maybe he can't help but look at other women even when he's out with you! Does he keep promises? Hard-worker or hardly working? All of these things show his "fruit." The same can be true when searching for Mrs. Right.
My husband's friend Fabien* is a case in point. My husband and Fabien recently had lunch at Teppanyaki restaurant in Zürich. The talk soon turned to Fabian's growing uneasiness concerning his girlfriends' spending habits. "Ines* spends every dime she makes. With the kind of money that she makes, she should be putting away $$$$$ per year!" He is also not comfortable with the amount of time her son spends on his devices. All these things are very different from the way Fabien runs his life. "Ye shall know them by their fruits!"
In my experience, many people end up in financial dilemmas due to a spouses spending habits. I always ask people in that situation if they "knew their wife was addicted to shopping" or that their "husband had expensive tastes before their marriage". They inevitably say,"yes". My next question is, "why did you marry them then?" There are many answers to that,"I thought that I could change him", "she was hot" or "I thought he/she would change when they got married."
People can and do change, but it doesn't just magically happen. While we must contend with imperfections that will exist in our spouses, or employees, it does not mean that we should not use some wisdom in these situations. Have you been in Fabien's shoes? It might be better to offer one's friendship to such a person rather than be in a dating situation with them. Fabien is very practical and knowledgeable in matters of finance but thus far, Ines really has not taken any of his advice. What does that tell you?
Fabien and Dr. Hoffmann are both caring men who are always willing to lend a helping hand whenever possible. However, Ines and Michelle do not wish to be helped. In those cases we as Christians have to be willing to accept their "fruit" as it is and commit the matter to prayer. It does not mean that we should allow people to be in a position to unsettle our family life or that of our workplace. Invite the person to Church, tell them about Jesus. Hopefully new seeds can be planted in their life and from those seeds, good fruit may grow!
* names have been changed,
Monday, September 18, 2017
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Wars and Rumors of Wars
I woke up from my jet-lagged haze and opened up my device to get the morning news. As I was in the final stages of packing some bags for my husband and I to go to Europe for five weeks, the whole Kim Jung-Un thing had begun to make the daily headlines. So when I arrived in Switzerland, I was eager to see what the latest news might be. Was my country at war? Would Kim Jung-un's missiles hit Japan, South Korea or even the island of Guam? Everyday, the headlines outline the crazy state of affairs that this madman in the Korean Peninsula foists upon us.
To a Christian the whole world stage has a different appearance. The difference is an added dimension. It is the spiritual dimension. So, we see the exact same events played out daily around the world, but we know that there is another more deadly and fiercer battle beneath the surface. That is the battle between the forces of good and evil, between God and the Devil. As many Christians read daily of the increasing natural disasters (Hurricane Harvey, Huricane Irma etc), the heightening possibilities of wars breaking out, it would seem prudent to review what the Bible says of such things.
"But thou, O Daniel, shut up the words, and seal the book, even to the time of the end: many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased" (Daniel 12:4). God gave a message to Daniel in the sixth century B.C. God indicated to Daniel and to generations reading His book the Bible, that a lot of things would happen before the day when the forces of God and evil would fight the last and ultimate battle. Many times, and in many way God chose to remind us in the Bible, that He wanted to share a chain of world events with us. Like a good parent He goes out of His way to share His wisdom with us.
The Bible was given to man from God to answer the basic questions of life like : who are we? how did we get here? and where are we going? It tells us about God's relationship with mankind from the beginning, and how that relationship unfolded over time. It teaches us about how we should live our life, including how to treat one another at home, in friendships, business and even what justice is. About a third of the Bible from the Book of Genesis to the Book of Revelation, is devoted to prophesy, i.e. the telling of future events.
Even though prophesy comprises about one-third of the Bible, many Churches, including my own, have failed to teach it over the years. If God is the good parent trying to teach us all that we should know, then shouldn't a godly church be doing this as well? This is why it is critical for us to include the Bible in our daily reading. Even though there is no excuse for churches not teaching the full and complete Word of God, we must understand that it is our responsibility to pursue the wisdom that God has for us. "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness" (2 Tim.3:16).
Therefore, let's see what the Word says about some current events. The Bible talks of future events and the ungoing battle between good and evil playing out in our daily lives and throughout time. It speaks of wars and natural disasters as being a part of our lives. But, there is a distinction biblically speaking, between the normal and the extra ordinary events pointing towards the end of days. The point of this is to equip us and prepare us for daily living and to prepare us for events to come. "What I say to one, I say unto you all, watch." (Mark 13:37)
"And ye shall hear of wars and rumors of wars, see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; and there shall be famine and pestilences and earthquakes, in divers places. All these things are the beginning of sorrows."(Matt.24:6-8). According to the Bible, all of the things happening in our world at the moment, could very well indicate that we are getting closer to apocalyptic events. We hear of North Korea and Iran's expanding nuclear capabilities. We wonder if these nations will wage war on others? We see and hear of nations and kingdoms opposing one another every single day. Look at all the terrorist attacks in Europe and in the Middle East and understand that a day does not go by when people are not in conflict in a gigantic way.
As I write this, I have been praying daily for mercy as Hurricane Harvey, Irma, Katia and José have, and continue to have, an impact on many. Let us all do anything that we can to help those hurting after these disasters. Jesus in the above discourse interestingy tells us not to be troubled by all that we will hear and see in the coming times of trouble. He also tells us that a lot will happen but it will still not be the end of the world. In order not to be troubled we must daily pray and have faith in God and His promises of comfort and salvation. We should be watchful and aware of events. If you are in the path of a Hurricane you should do all that you can to follow safety guidelines. Even though I am in Switzerland, I asked a tree company to come and trim any deadwood at my home just in case the storm should head to New York while I am not there. I'm not even waiting to see if these tropical storms will barrel up the east coast before I trim my trees! How much more should we then prepare spiritually? In order to be at peace with life and its' uncertainties we need to choose to follow God. It may be time to make some changes to your life. If so don't wait. Living a good and virtuous life will give you peace, as the Bible describes that "surpasses all understanding."
To a Christian the whole world stage has a different appearance. The difference is an added dimension. It is the spiritual dimension. So, we see the exact same events played out daily around the world, but we know that there is another more deadly and fiercer battle beneath the surface. That is the battle between the forces of good and evil, between God and the Devil. As many Christians read daily of the increasing natural disasters (Hurricane Harvey, Huricane Irma etc), the heightening possibilities of wars breaking out, it would seem prudent to review what the Bible says of such things.
"But thou, O Daniel, shut up the words, and seal the book, even to the time of the end: many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased" (Daniel 12:4). God gave a message to Daniel in the sixth century B.C. God indicated to Daniel and to generations reading His book the Bible, that a lot of things would happen before the day when the forces of God and evil would fight the last and ultimate battle. Many times, and in many way God chose to remind us in the Bible, that He wanted to share a chain of world events with us. Like a good parent He goes out of His way to share His wisdom with us.
The Bible was given to man from God to answer the basic questions of life like : who are we? how did we get here? and where are we going? It tells us about God's relationship with mankind from the beginning, and how that relationship unfolded over time. It teaches us about how we should live our life, including how to treat one another at home, in friendships, business and even what justice is. About a third of the Bible from the Book of Genesis to the Book of Revelation, is devoted to prophesy, i.e. the telling of future events.
Even though prophesy comprises about one-third of the Bible, many Churches, including my own, have failed to teach it over the years. If God is the good parent trying to teach us all that we should know, then shouldn't a godly church be doing this as well? This is why it is critical for us to include the Bible in our daily reading. Even though there is no excuse for churches not teaching the full and complete Word of God, we must understand that it is our responsibility to pursue the wisdom that God has for us. "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness" (2 Tim.3:16).
Therefore, let's see what the Word says about some current events. The Bible talks of future events and the ungoing battle between good and evil playing out in our daily lives and throughout time. It speaks of wars and natural disasters as being a part of our lives. But, there is a distinction biblically speaking, between the normal and the extra ordinary events pointing towards the end of days. The point of this is to equip us and prepare us for daily living and to prepare us for events to come. "What I say to one, I say unto you all, watch." (Mark 13:37)
"And ye shall hear of wars and rumors of wars, see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; and there shall be famine and pestilences and earthquakes, in divers places. All these things are the beginning of sorrows."(Matt.24:6-8). According to the Bible, all of the things happening in our world at the moment, could very well indicate that we are getting closer to apocalyptic events. We hear of North Korea and Iran's expanding nuclear capabilities. We wonder if these nations will wage war on others? We see and hear of nations and kingdoms opposing one another every single day. Look at all the terrorist attacks in Europe and in the Middle East and understand that a day does not go by when people are not in conflict in a gigantic way.
As I write this, I have been praying daily for mercy as Hurricane Harvey, Irma, Katia and José have, and continue to have, an impact on many. Let us all do anything that we can to help those hurting after these disasters. Jesus in the above discourse interestingy tells us not to be troubled by all that we will hear and see in the coming times of trouble. He also tells us that a lot will happen but it will still not be the end of the world. In order not to be troubled we must daily pray and have faith in God and His promises of comfort and salvation. We should be watchful and aware of events. If you are in the path of a Hurricane you should do all that you can to follow safety guidelines. Even though I am in Switzerland, I asked a tree company to come and trim any deadwood at my home just in case the storm should head to New York while I am not there. I'm not even waiting to see if these tropical storms will barrel up the east coast before I trim my trees! How much more should we then prepare spiritually? In order to be at peace with life and its' uncertainties we need to choose to follow God. It may be time to make some changes to your life. If so don't wait. Living a good and virtuous life will give you peace, as the Bible describes that "surpasses all understanding."
Sunday, August 27, 2017
High School Breakup-Part 2 (Young Adult Series)
Olivia had extended an invitation for Dylan and his parents to visit her church and meet her parents, and they had accepted. All week long, Dylan and Olivia texted each other with concerns over their parents upcoming meet. Dylan knew that his parents wanted him to focus more on his studies and put off dating until he was sixteen. Olivia's parents disagreed with that. When Sunday finally came, Dylan could hardly focus on the message. All he could think of was what his parents would do at the Church's coffee social afterwards. When that time came and his parents were gliding toward Olivia's parents with hands out-stretched and ready to shake, Dylan suddenly blurted out, "Mr. M***** would you allow me to date your daughter?"
Dylan instanly knew, that he had made a mistake. After obsessing about this thing all week, he was on a hair trigger. He loved Olivia and he wished he could just yell it out and tell the world. He had not told her yet, but he felt sure that she felt it too. "David, nice to meet you and your wife Amanda. Dylan, my impetuous son, has told me a lot about you." Everyone nervously laughed. "Yes, and it's nice to meet you Eric and Judy."
"We have made it no secret that we think these two shouldn't rush into anything. What with all their school work, and extra-curricula activities. I'm afraid it will harm both their chances at a good college. They have a nice thing just as it is. They do bible study together and attend the same youth group." "I'm gonna be sixteen in three months dad. I think I'm old enough to date now." "Dylan, you have not been focusing on your studies lately. You're always texting with Olivia!" Judy retorted,"well, I hope your not blaming that on our daughter."
"No, but I would like it if we parents could agree on some guidelines for texting. It seems that she texts Dylan at all hours and he drops everything he's doing if he sees it's her!" "Well, that's your son's fault, because Olivia doesn't get on the phone until her homework is done!" Dylan and Olivia's worst nightmare had come true. Their parents had just met and they were already fighting. Dylan and his father continued fighting on the drive home. "Dad, everything came so easy for you at school. You are so tough on me." "Dylan, your dad's just looking out for your future. There's a lot of things you don't understand yet. A lot is at stake." Mom, you always take his side, whether he's right or wrong."
"I would like you to cool down Dylan. Olivia seems like a very nice girl but I would like you to slow this thing down. You are so young Dylan. You just have other priorities right now that need your attention." "Oh yeah, like you dad! All you do is work. You're never around. You're the only dad who hasn't car-pooled for our youth group. You never have time when Pastor asks for help at Church. I don't want to be anything like you dad. "
"That's enough Dylan. You are not dating Olivia and that's final. You can talk to me in three months. Let's see if you can get your grades up and then we'll talk!" To Dylan this was just unfair. "My dad is such a control freak," he thought. As the week went on, he looked forward to seeing Olivia at the upcoming teen ministry outing to New Roc City. New Roc City is an entertainment center located in New Rochelle, N.Y. There are go-karts, arcades, laser tag etc. Olivia couldn't wait for Friday night either. She just needed a break from school and from her parents ruminating about their meeting with Dylan's parents. She understood that they were just being protective of her, but she had prayed all week long that everyone would just calm down and leave her and Dylan alone.
AT NEW ROC CITY
DYLAN- Olivia, my dad says we can't date.
OLIVIA- Are you breaking up with me Dylan?
DYLAN- No, this has nothing to do with what I want and how I feel. This is what my parents decided for me, but why should we let them stop us?
OLIVIA- Dylan, we are trying to follow Jesus, and that means we must honor our parents. It's God's commandment to us. I can't encourage you to disobey your parents.
DYLAN- So wait, you're breaking up with me?
OLIVIA- Why are you twisting this around Dylan?
Malik- Guys, everyone's going on the Spaceshot now. Are you coming?
As he climbed on the ride which was to take him on an 185 foot drop from the roof of New Roch City, he was in a fog. Otherwise, he would not have allowed Malik and Justin to talk him into going on this ride. They all screamed as they came thundering down that precipice. Malik and Justin wanted to go on the ride again, but this time Dylan declined. It was starting to sink in, he and Olivia are broken-up. That Sunday, on the ride to church, Dylan and his dad hardly spoke. It was that way at church too. He was not in the mood for small talk. But, just when we need it most, God will always find a way to reach us.
Pastor Bob's Sermon was entitled, "A Recipe For Disaster." What could that be about", thought Dylan? "Pastor never talks about cooking! This sounds boring." However, as Pastor began to preach, Dylan changed his mind. Pastor Bob opened up by saying that "he hoped all his brothers and sister in Christ would hear his confession. James 5:16 tells us that we are to, confess our sins one to another. Well, what kind of Christian would I be if I did not do that? This week, brothers and sisters, was a terrible week for me, where I failed miserably in being a godly man. As you know, Laura has had to spend the week with her parents as her mother recuperates from surgery."
"I was left in charge at home and I did a rather poor job of it. The house quickly turned into a mess, the food was burnt, and I failed to be the father that I should have been. I was self-centered and controlling." Pastor Bob encouraged us all to acknowledge our short-comings and take responsibility for our actions. He told us that he has confessed to God, and apologized to his wife and children. He then went on to share scriptual guidance on developing godly attributes. It all ended with an emotional altar call for the whole church to recommit themselves to family life. One by one, people made their ways down the aisles toward the front of the church. The deacons were praying with men and women as they confessed their sins, prayed for guidance and renewed their commitments.
This was one of the biggest outpourings of emotion that Dylan had ever seen at his small church. Pastor Bob had obviously hit a cord with many today and none more so then with Dylan's dad, who had never went up for an altar call in all his life! Without saying a word, Eric pushed past his wife Judy and Dylan, and stood in line to receive ministrations. In a few moments, Pastor Bob was embracing Eric and praying with him. At that instance, Dylan bolted up and ran down the aisle.
AT THE ALTAR
ERIC: I know I have failed you Dylan. You were right about everything that you've been saying son. But, I'm gonna do better. I asked Pastor Bob to hold me accountable and I am asking you to do the same thing."
DYLAN: I can't believe this dad, I've been praying about this so long.
ERIC: God's been so good son, but I had begun to loose sight of that. I am lucky that I have a praying son. I am so proud of you, I love you so much Dylan. I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about Olivia too. I must confess that I was trying to use the situation to get you to work harder at school, I realize that I made a mistake. You have more than proven that you are a godly young man ready to date.
At this point, Dylan hugged his dad tightly and started to cry. His dad had always been so cold and distant. It seemed impossible to please him. But, something began to change that night for Dylan and his father. Something that began with Eric's heart opening to the message of that sermon. To understanding that the message was for him and accepting the challenge. I dare say that we all need to accept some challenge today. That challenge could be like Eric's to change long-held family patterns, or it could be to pray for our dad's, the way Dylan did. It might be learning patience as we wait for a situation to work out. Whatever it is, accept your challenge today!
Dylan instanly knew, that he had made a mistake. After obsessing about this thing all week, he was on a hair trigger. He loved Olivia and he wished he could just yell it out and tell the world. He had not told her yet, but he felt sure that she felt it too. "David, nice to meet you and your wife Amanda. Dylan, my impetuous son, has told me a lot about you." Everyone nervously laughed. "Yes, and it's nice to meet you Eric and Judy."
"We have made it no secret that we think these two shouldn't rush into anything. What with all their school work, and extra-curricula activities. I'm afraid it will harm both their chances at a good college. They have a nice thing just as it is. They do bible study together and attend the same youth group." "I'm gonna be sixteen in three months dad. I think I'm old enough to date now." "Dylan, you have not been focusing on your studies lately. You're always texting with Olivia!" Judy retorted,"well, I hope your not blaming that on our daughter."
"No, but I would like it if we parents could agree on some guidelines for texting. It seems that she texts Dylan at all hours and he drops everything he's doing if he sees it's her!" "Well, that's your son's fault, because Olivia doesn't get on the phone until her homework is done!" Dylan and Olivia's worst nightmare had come true. Their parents had just met and they were already fighting. Dylan and his father continued fighting on the drive home. "Dad, everything came so easy for you at school. You are so tough on me." "Dylan, your dad's just looking out for your future. There's a lot of things you don't understand yet. A lot is at stake." Mom, you always take his side, whether he's right or wrong."
"I would like you to cool down Dylan. Olivia seems like a very nice girl but I would like you to slow this thing down. You are so young Dylan. You just have other priorities right now that need your attention." "Oh yeah, like you dad! All you do is work. You're never around. You're the only dad who hasn't car-pooled for our youth group. You never have time when Pastor asks for help at Church. I don't want to be anything like you dad. "
"That's enough Dylan. You are not dating Olivia and that's final. You can talk to me in three months. Let's see if you can get your grades up and then we'll talk!" To Dylan this was just unfair. "My dad is such a control freak," he thought. As the week went on, he looked forward to seeing Olivia at the upcoming teen ministry outing to New Roc City. New Roc City is an entertainment center located in New Rochelle, N.Y. There are go-karts, arcades, laser tag etc. Olivia couldn't wait for Friday night either. She just needed a break from school and from her parents ruminating about their meeting with Dylan's parents. She understood that they were just being protective of her, but she had prayed all week long that everyone would just calm down and leave her and Dylan alone.
AT NEW ROC CITY
DYLAN- Olivia, my dad says we can't date.
OLIVIA- Are you breaking up with me Dylan?
DYLAN- No, this has nothing to do with what I want and how I feel. This is what my parents decided for me, but why should we let them stop us?
OLIVIA- Dylan, we are trying to follow Jesus, and that means we must honor our parents. It's God's commandment to us. I can't encourage you to disobey your parents.
DYLAN- So wait, you're breaking up with me?
OLIVIA- Why are you twisting this around Dylan?
Malik- Guys, everyone's going on the Spaceshot now. Are you coming?
As he climbed on the ride which was to take him on an 185 foot drop from the roof of New Roch City, he was in a fog. Otherwise, he would not have allowed Malik and Justin to talk him into going on this ride. They all screamed as they came thundering down that precipice. Malik and Justin wanted to go on the ride again, but this time Dylan declined. It was starting to sink in, he and Olivia are broken-up. That Sunday, on the ride to church, Dylan and his dad hardly spoke. It was that way at church too. He was not in the mood for small talk. But, just when we need it most, God will always find a way to reach us.
Pastor Bob's Sermon was entitled, "A Recipe For Disaster." What could that be about", thought Dylan? "Pastor never talks about cooking! This sounds boring." However, as Pastor began to preach, Dylan changed his mind. Pastor Bob opened up by saying that "he hoped all his brothers and sister in Christ would hear his confession. James 5:16 tells us that we are to, confess our sins one to another. Well, what kind of Christian would I be if I did not do that? This week, brothers and sisters, was a terrible week for me, where I failed miserably in being a godly man. As you know, Laura has had to spend the week with her parents as her mother recuperates from surgery."
"I was left in charge at home and I did a rather poor job of it. The house quickly turned into a mess, the food was burnt, and I failed to be the father that I should have been. I was self-centered and controlling." Pastor Bob encouraged us all to acknowledge our short-comings and take responsibility for our actions. He told us that he has confessed to God, and apologized to his wife and children. He then went on to share scriptual guidance on developing godly attributes. It all ended with an emotional altar call for the whole church to recommit themselves to family life. One by one, people made their ways down the aisles toward the front of the church. The deacons were praying with men and women as they confessed their sins, prayed for guidance and renewed their commitments.
This was one of the biggest outpourings of emotion that Dylan had ever seen at his small church. Pastor Bob had obviously hit a cord with many today and none more so then with Dylan's dad, who had never went up for an altar call in all his life! Without saying a word, Eric pushed past his wife Judy and Dylan, and stood in line to receive ministrations. In a few moments, Pastor Bob was embracing Eric and praying with him. At that instance, Dylan bolted up and ran down the aisle.
AT THE ALTAR
ERIC: I know I have failed you Dylan. You were right about everything that you've been saying son. But, I'm gonna do better. I asked Pastor Bob to hold me accountable and I am asking you to do the same thing."
DYLAN: I can't believe this dad, I've been praying about this so long.
ERIC: God's been so good son, but I had begun to loose sight of that. I am lucky that I have a praying son. I am so proud of you, I love you so much Dylan. I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about Olivia too. I must confess that I was trying to use the situation to get you to work harder at school, I realize that I made a mistake. You have more than proven that you are a godly young man ready to date.
At this point, Dylan hugged his dad tightly and started to cry. His dad had always been so cold and distant. It seemed impossible to please him. But, something began to change that night for Dylan and his father. Something that began with Eric's heart opening to the message of that sermon. To understanding that the message was for him and accepting the challenge. I dare say that we all need to accept some challenge today. That challenge could be like Eric's to change long-held family patterns, or it could be to pray for our dad's, the way Dylan did. It might be learning patience as we wait for a situation to work out. Whatever it is, accept your challenge today!
Monday, August 21, 2017
Dear Eclipse Watchers
Dear Eclipse Watchers,
The rare Solar Eclipse which today will cross the continental United States has created quite a stir. Scientists are excited to study it and again test the strength of Einstein's theory of relativity. Hotel rooms are filled in prime viewing areas across the United States. Traffic jams snarl roads in rural areas unaccustomed to such traffic.This will be the most watched solar eclipse in United States history.
As I viewed the photos of unprecedented numbers of people camping out in national parks, the whole event seemed to take on a circus-like atmosphere. What are people looking for? I saw photos of people who will mediate and do yoga throughout the entire event. I saw musicians who are going to sing during the event. People are clearly looking for meaning in their lives and wondering about what these celestial events might portent.
People get emotional during such events for certain. It is a disconcerting feeling when the sun is slowly blotted out of view creating an eerie darkness in the middle of the day. It is not a normal experience such as when clouds roll in. Humanity has always attached great meaning to this. What does it mean in God's economy?
While there are many thoughts and feelings on this, I know that at the end of every significant event in our life, including celestial and historical events is a call from God. A call to be part of His plan for both our life and that of this world. A call to be in relationship with Him. To see things in a whole new way. This begins with us. We must consider our life and how God sees it. If you are not sure what sin is, reading the Bible will help you with that. Make a decision to repent of the sins that you are engaged in and ask God's forgiveness. He is waiting for your reply. He gives us many invitations. The signs of the times tell us to choose who we will follow. Is it the other gods of nature that we choose to worship? I urge all within my reading circle to consider God and all He has done.
What will I be doing today? I will stay focused on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will be doing the work of this day and meditating on God's revelation to me. This includes things such as this solar eclipse and His instructions to me in the Bible. My thoughts today will reflect upon 1 Chronicles 16. Here is a portion of it for you to think about:
The rare Solar Eclipse which today will cross the continental United States has created quite a stir. Scientists are excited to study it and again test the strength of Einstein's theory of relativity. Hotel rooms are filled in prime viewing areas across the United States. Traffic jams snarl roads in rural areas unaccustomed to such traffic.This will be the most watched solar eclipse in United States history.
As I viewed the photos of unprecedented numbers of people camping out in national parks, the whole event seemed to take on a circus-like atmosphere. What are people looking for? I saw photos of people who will mediate and do yoga throughout the entire event. I saw musicians who are going to sing during the event. People are clearly looking for meaning in their lives and wondering about what these celestial events might portent.
People get emotional during such events for certain. It is a disconcerting feeling when the sun is slowly blotted out of view creating an eerie darkness in the middle of the day. It is not a normal experience such as when clouds roll in. Humanity has always attached great meaning to this. What does it mean in God's economy?
While there are many thoughts and feelings on this, I know that at the end of every significant event in our life, including celestial and historical events is a call from God. A call to be part of His plan for both our life and that of this world. A call to be in relationship with Him. To see things in a whole new way. This begins with us. We must consider our life and how God sees it. If you are not sure what sin is, reading the Bible will help you with that. Make a decision to repent of the sins that you are engaged in and ask God's forgiveness. He is waiting for your reply. He gives us many invitations. The signs of the times tell us to choose who we will follow. Is it the other gods of nature that we choose to worship? I urge all within my reading circle to consider God and all He has done.
What will I be doing today? I will stay focused on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will be doing the work of this day and meditating on God's revelation to me. This includes things such as this solar eclipse and His instructions to me in the Bible. My thoughts today will reflect upon 1 Chronicles 16. Here is a portion of it for you to think about:
23 Sing unto the Lord, all the earth; shew forth from day to day his salvation.
24 Declare his glory among the heathen; his marvellous works among all nations.
25 For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised: he also is to be feared above all gods.
26 For all the gods of the people are idols: but the Lordmade the heavens.
27 Glory and honour are in his presence; strength and gladness are in his place.
28 Give unto the Lord, ye kindreds of the people, give unto the Lord glory and strength.
29 Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name: bring an offering, and come before him: worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.
30 Fear before him, all the earth: the world also shall be stable, that it be not moved.
31 Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice: and let men say among the nations, The Lord reigneth.
32 Let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof: let the fields rejoice, and all that is therein.
33 Then shall the trees of the wood sing out at the presence of the Lord, because he cometh to judge the earth.
34 O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
High School Breakup -Part 1 (Young Adult Series)
Dylan* and Olivia* had been high school sweethearts. Dylan first met Olivia at a teen ministry event in Westchester, N.Y. Not willing to give his heart or body away until marriage, Dylan kept mostly to himself at his public high school. When he met Olivia, all his defenses came down. He met a sweet and godly girl his own age who shared his commitment to God. That was powerful to him. They had fun and got to know each other as they enjoyed bible study and fun activities at Church.
Dylan had been quite depressed in his first six months of high school. A lot had happened the summer before that freshman year. His beloved grandfather had passed away and at the same time, his best christian friend, Sebastian had moved with his family to Atlanta. He took both events quite hard. Everyone noticed this: his parents, teachers and pastor. They all tried to reach out to assist Dylan, but to no avail. His parents were quite distressed. They met privately with their Pastor to discuss the problem further. Pastor Bob* recommended a local teen ministry at another church. It was a place where parents from many small local churches brought their teenagers to develop faith and fellowship.
After many months of negotiating and pressure from his parents he agreed to attend a bowling event at a nearby alley. He had not had much social activity since starting the ninth grade. He was half looking forward to it. He was pleasantly surprised that evening when he seemed to hit it off with everyone in his assigned bowling team. Justin* helped everyone with their bowling technique, Malik* was the team comic, and Olivia was full of encouragement.
Before the end of the evening, the teen minister introduced himself to Dylan and had issued a personal invitation for Dylan to attend next weeks' bible study. To Dylan's surprised, he really wanted to go. He accepted that invitation immediately. When he arrived at the bible study, the following week, he was again befriended by the same group that he had met while bowling. They did a study from the Book of Ruth and the Youth Pastor spoke about the many trials that Naomi had experienced causing her to become bitter. Dylan felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he related to the trials and tribulations of Naomi.
There was a lot in the story of Naomi that lined up with Dylan's recent experiences of death and loss. The Pastor encouraged discussions on this topic at each table. Malik spoke first and told a story about the loss and depression which he had experienced when his grandmother got hit by a car two years ago. Malik continued, "in proverbs it says that a merry heart maketh good medicine," I joke around and try to follow God. I trust in him to get me through this!" Dylan was encouraged by Malik's story and felt safe and ready to share his own story. He didn't feel alone anymore.
As the months and years went by, he found fellowship and fun at the new teen ministry. His friendships grew with Justin and Malik but, especially with Olivia. They talked on the phone and encouraged one another in school and with their christian walk. It was clear to their families that Dylan and Olivia had feelings for each other. Dylan's family thought he was to young to date, while Olivia's family was glad that she was interested in dating a boy that she met at bible study. It was time for the families to meet. They choose the coffee social after a Sunday service.
Next week- the story of Dylan continues.
*the story is true but the names have been changed and a few events to keep privacy. It is concordant with the original story.
Dylan had been quite depressed in his first six months of high school. A lot had happened the summer before that freshman year. His beloved grandfather had passed away and at the same time, his best christian friend, Sebastian had moved with his family to Atlanta. He took both events quite hard. Everyone noticed this: his parents, teachers and pastor. They all tried to reach out to assist Dylan, but to no avail. His parents were quite distressed. They met privately with their Pastor to discuss the problem further. Pastor Bob* recommended a local teen ministry at another church. It was a place where parents from many small local churches brought their teenagers to develop faith and fellowship.
After many months of negotiating and pressure from his parents he agreed to attend a bowling event at a nearby alley. He had not had much social activity since starting the ninth grade. He was half looking forward to it. He was pleasantly surprised that evening when he seemed to hit it off with everyone in his assigned bowling team. Justin* helped everyone with their bowling technique, Malik* was the team comic, and Olivia was full of encouragement.
Before the end of the evening, the teen minister introduced himself to Dylan and had issued a personal invitation for Dylan to attend next weeks' bible study. To Dylan's surprised, he really wanted to go. He accepted that invitation immediately. When he arrived at the bible study, the following week, he was again befriended by the same group that he had met while bowling. They did a study from the Book of Ruth and the Youth Pastor spoke about the many trials that Naomi had experienced causing her to become bitter. Dylan felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he related to the trials and tribulations of Naomi.
There was a lot in the story of Naomi that lined up with Dylan's recent experiences of death and loss. The Pastor encouraged discussions on this topic at each table. Malik spoke first and told a story about the loss and depression which he had experienced when his grandmother got hit by a car two years ago. Malik continued, "in proverbs it says that a merry heart maketh good medicine," I joke around and try to follow God. I trust in him to get me through this!" Dylan was encouraged by Malik's story and felt safe and ready to share his own story. He didn't feel alone anymore.
As the months and years went by, he found fellowship and fun at the new teen ministry. His friendships grew with Justin and Malik but, especially with Olivia. They talked on the phone and encouraged one another in school and with their christian walk. It was clear to their families that Dylan and Olivia had feelings for each other. Dylan's family thought he was to young to date, while Olivia's family was glad that she was interested in dating a boy that she met at bible study. It was time for the families to meet. They choose the coffee social after a Sunday service.
Next week- the story of Dylan continues.
*the story is true but the names have been changed and a few events to keep privacy. It is concordant with the original story.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Asking For Help
Asking for help when we need it, is a sign of wisdom. Yet, all too often we feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness. The Bible should quickly dissipate any such notions. Further, it should help you to feel more comfortable as you face your all too frail humanity. Yes, you are in great company alongside the great men and women of the Bible who expressed a need for help in a number of situations.
Here are a few examples : Samson-"O Lord God,remember me, I pray! Strengthen me, I pray, just this once, O God,that I may with one blow take vengeance on the Philistines for my two eyes!" (Judges 16:28) Jabez-"Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" God granted him what he requested."(1 Chronicles 4:10) Mary, the mother of Jesus-"These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers. (Acts 1:14)
I could go on but suffice it to say, you did not get the idea that expressing weakness is wrong from the Bible. In 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 we see Paul struggling with his impediments,“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." What a revolutionary idea if you think about it. Knowing and owning your weakness makes you strong! That's better than eating your spinach. So understand right up front that frailty of health, both mental and physical is part of our humanity. Even frailty in the way that we do things, is part of our humanity. Expecting perfection in yourself and others is just setting yourself up and those around you for misery.
Let's take a look at what "failure to ask" looks like. The flu hit Westchester County very hard this past winter. Everyone I know had it. Yet, everyone acted as if they were fine and could manage on their own when I asked if I could do anything for them. It seemed that everyone was afraid to admit that they were in a weakened state or that they needed help. Everyday and in everyway, I see people trying to pretend that they have it all-together all the time.
Failure doesn't seem to be an option for men like Todd.* Todd grew up in a family that lauded success above everything else. His family did not teach him that we all "win some and we all loose some" or the wisdom of asking for help. As a child, he remembers how his Uncle Joe* was mercilessly ridiculed as a loser for some business decisions that he had made. Todd attempted suicide when his videography business began to go belly up. He thought that was a better option then to face going from being a millionaire to destitute. Thank the Lord, he did not succeed. Then there was Dr.*****, a talented surgeon who appeared to have it all. A McMansion in Westchester with a boat in the harbor and two kids in Yale. When he attempted suicide it came as a shock to even his closest friends,who did not suspect that he suffered from increasingly severe depression. Ignoring a failing business or our mental health will only ensure that things will get worse and asking for help is sometimes necessary.
Then there was Elizabeth.* She had been a Pastor's wife for thirty-five years until he passed away. He had always been the social one. A lot of marriages are like that. After his death, she began to isolate herself. At first it was due to grief, but she just became more depressed, more lonely, fearful and eventually paranoid. I met her in the neighborhood, toward the end of her husband's illness. I tried to keep in touch with her. I visited her, along with my children, and from time to time, we would bring her homemade gifts. I saw how her loneliness played tricks on her. She was ashamed of her feelings of loneliness and depression. I would always encourage her to accept invitations from her old friends and I invited her to go shopping with me, since she did not drive. Always, there was a pride and she would act like she didn't need people or help. How our feelings lie to us! The Bible teaches us that,"pride cometh before the fall."-Proverbs 16:18. How true that is. Our pride makes us feel strong but in reality we are going in the wrong direction.
So what can we do about it? We acknowledge our problems and resolve to ask for help and begin to take action. Are we struggling in our marriage? Do we feel like life is not making much sense? Lonely or depressed? You are not alone. In the journey of life these feelings happen. But remember, God is faithful. He hears and cares. There are people around us who are faithful too. There comes a time that we must look for them and reach out! Todd's attempted suicide landed him in Four Winds Hospital here in Westchester County. He was treated by a wonderful psychiatrist who assisted him in re-building his life. He has changed professions and is now living on a modest income. He started going to Church and has adjusted to his altered circumstances.
*the names are changed.
Here are a few examples : Samson-"O Lord God,remember me, I pray! Strengthen me, I pray, just this once, O God,that I may with one blow take vengeance on the Philistines for my two eyes!" (Judges 16:28) Jabez-"Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" God granted him what he requested."(1 Chronicles 4:10) Mary, the mother of Jesus-"These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers. (Acts 1:14)
I could go on but suffice it to say, you did not get the idea that expressing weakness is wrong from the Bible. In 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 we see Paul struggling with his impediments,“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." What a revolutionary idea if you think about it. Knowing and owning your weakness makes you strong! That's better than eating your spinach. So understand right up front that frailty of health, both mental and physical is part of our humanity. Even frailty in the way that we do things, is part of our humanity. Expecting perfection in yourself and others is just setting yourself up and those around you for misery.
Let's take a look at what "failure to ask" looks like. The flu hit Westchester County very hard this past winter. Everyone I know had it. Yet, everyone acted as if they were fine and could manage on their own when I asked if I could do anything for them. It seemed that everyone was afraid to admit that they were in a weakened state or that they needed help. Everyday and in everyway, I see people trying to pretend that they have it all-together all the time.
Failure doesn't seem to be an option for men like Todd.* Todd grew up in a family that lauded success above everything else. His family did not teach him that we all "win some and we all loose some" or the wisdom of asking for help. As a child, he remembers how his Uncle Joe* was mercilessly ridiculed as a loser for some business decisions that he had made. Todd attempted suicide when his videography business began to go belly up. He thought that was a better option then to face going from being a millionaire to destitute. Thank the Lord, he did not succeed. Then there was Dr.*****, a talented surgeon who appeared to have it all. A McMansion in Westchester with a boat in the harbor and two kids in Yale. When he attempted suicide it came as a shock to even his closest friends,who did not suspect that he suffered from increasingly severe depression. Ignoring a failing business or our mental health will only ensure that things will get worse and asking for help is sometimes necessary.
Then there was Elizabeth.* She had been a Pastor's wife for thirty-five years until he passed away. He had always been the social one. A lot of marriages are like that. After his death, she began to isolate herself. At first it was due to grief, but she just became more depressed, more lonely, fearful and eventually paranoid. I met her in the neighborhood, toward the end of her husband's illness. I tried to keep in touch with her. I visited her, along with my children, and from time to time, we would bring her homemade gifts. I saw how her loneliness played tricks on her. She was ashamed of her feelings of loneliness and depression. I would always encourage her to accept invitations from her old friends and I invited her to go shopping with me, since she did not drive. Always, there was a pride and she would act like she didn't need people or help. How our feelings lie to us! The Bible teaches us that,"pride cometh before the fall."-Proverbs 16:18. How true that is. Our pride makes us feel strong but in reality we are going in the wrong direction.
So what can we do about it? We acknowledge our problems and resolve to ask for help and begin to take action. Are we struggling in our marriage? Do we feel like life is not making much sense? Lonely or depressed? You are not alone. In the journey of life these feelings happen. But remember, God is faithful. He hears and cares. There are people around us who are faithful too. There comes a time that we must look for them and reach out! Todd's attempted suicide landed him in Four Winds Hospital here in Westchester County. He was treated by a wonderful psychiatrist who assisted him in re-building his life. He has changed professions and is now living on a modest income. He started going to Church and has adjusted to his altered circumstances.
*the names are changed.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
How To Do Dishes
"It's a blessing to do a dish!" Is that how you feel? Probably not. So much of our life consists of the work that we must carry out to run our household. We must wash the dishes, do laundry and vacume the rug. How many diapers does a parent change? Quite a lot. There is garbage and recycling to process too. If you own a home, you must mow the lawn and pull weeds. On and on we go. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything on one's to do list.
Yet, what is our attitude about these chores? Do we fight over whose turn it is to take out the trash? Do we dread this part of life and just live for our next weekend adventure or vacation? Yesterday, I was having a lovely day. I had set aside some time to spend the day with a friend. We had lunch at the Local, a restaurant in Chappaqua,N.Y. Then, we were happily shopping when my cell phone rang. It was my husband telling me he got stung battling a bee's nest. He told me to call him before I attempted to come home. He needed to escort me to the front door so that I would not get stung. The hive was quite close to our front door!
My mood went from relaxed and happy to concerned and overwhelmed. "Oh boy, is he okay? He told me he was okay but like a lot of men, he won't go to the doctor unless it is absolutely necessary. Who should I call? Who do I know whose had a bee problem? Can we manage ourselves or should we call an expert? Susan* I better get home. There goes my Saturday plans." My husband was a Rock of Gibraltar while I just fell apart. What is wrong with me?
We should not ignore our attitude about everyday occurances and try to have a virtuous attitude as my husband did when the bee thing interrupted his day and weekend. He spent time and energy solving this problem with no complaints. There are implications of a bad attitude for our spouse, family, jobs and ourselves. If we dread our everyday chores, are we really living life to the fullest, or wasting a lot of time being miserable over a fact of life? Right now, marriages are being damaged because people unfairly dump the whole family work load onto their spouse.
Many of us have failed to enjoy the beauty of every moment. The gift of life and all the ordinary things that entails. The joy and the meaning of family teamwork. A job well done together brings closeness. This point was indelibly brought home to me some years ago. My mother-in-law was recuperating from cancer surgery. She was unable to preform her daily chores. In this context, I was about to wash some dishes for her. She surprised me in the kitchen. I asked her if I could get her something. She said no, but she felt up to doing the dishes. I replied, oh don't worry about it, I've got this. To which she replied, it's a blessing to do a dish!
She really meant it too. Facing death made her cherish the ordinary and embrace it with gusto as a blessing. She was always a woman who served with love but I have not always been such a woman. I pray and work hard to embrace the chores and errands of life. To roll with it when a hive of bees interrupts things or raccoons are rifling through my garbage cans. Yet, it is in these ordinary moments that, I can best showcase the Christian ethos of being "light and salt" in this world.
This morning, I got up early so that I could put a meal in the slow-cooker before going to church. I vaguely wondered if we should eat out in stead. But, the joy that I got to hear about how good that meal was that evening made me glad of the work. We don't always get the accolades we expect or deserve but remember our Heavenly Father knows and cares. We can feel happy knowing that we are doing the right thing too. I hope that this makes you embrace all the things that you are called to do this week. May God strengthened you in it.
*the names are changed.
Yet, what is our attitude about these chores? Do we fight over whose turn it is to take out the trash? Do we dread this part of life and just live for our next weekend adventure or vacation? Yesterday, I was having a lovely day. I had set aside some time to spend the day with a friend. We had lunch at the Local, a restaurant in Chappaqua,N.Y. Then, we were happily shopping when my cell phone rang. It was my husband telling me he got stung battling a bee's nest. He told me to call him before I attempted to come home. He needed to escort me to the front door so that I would not get stung. The hive was quite close to our front door!
My mood went from relaxed and happy to concerned and overwhelmed. "Oh boy, is he okay? He told me he was okay but like a lot of men, he won't go to the doctor unless it is absolutely necessary. Who should I call? Who do I know whose had a bee problem? Can we manage ourselves or should we call an expert? Susan* I better get home. There goes my Saturday plans." My husband was a Rock of Gibraltar while I just fell apart. What is wrong with me?
We should not ignore our attitude about everyday occurances and try to have a virtuous attitude as my husband did when the bee thing interrupted his day and weekend. He spent time and energy solving this problem with no complaints. There are implications of a bad attitude for our spouse, family, jobs and ourselves. If we dread our everyday chores, are we really living life to the fullest, or wasting a lot of time being miserable over a fact of life? Right now, marriages are being damaged because people unfairly dump the whole family work load onto their spouse.
Many of us have failed to enjoy the beauty of every moment. The gift of life and all the ordinary things that entails. The joy and the meaning of family teamwork. A job well done together brings closeness. This point was indelibly brought home to me some years ago. My mother-in-law was recuperating from cancer surgery. She was unable to preform her daily chores. In this context, I was about to wash some dishes for her. She surprised me in the kitchen. I asked her if I could get her something. She said no, but she felt up to doing the dishes. I replied, oh don't worry about it, I've got this. To which she replied, it's a blessing to do a dish!
She really meant it too. Facing death made her cherish the ordinary and embrace it with gusto as a blessing. She was always a woman who served with love but I have not always been such a woman. I pray and work hard to embrace the chores and errands of life. To roll with it when a hive of bees interrupts things or raccoons are rifling through my garbage cans. Yet, it is in these ordinary moments that, I can best showcase the Christian ethos of being "light and salt" in this world.
This morning, I got up early so that I could put a meal in the slow-cooker before going to church. I vaguely wondered if we should eat out in stead. But, the joy that I got to hear about how good that meal was that evening made me glad of the work. We don't always get the accolades we expect or deserve but remember our Heavenly Father knows and cares. We can feel happy knowing that we are doing the right thing too. I hope that this makes you embrace all the things that you are called to do this week. May God strengthened you in it.
*the names are changed.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Why Cheat?
"Once a cheater, always a cheater." "A leopard never changes its' spots." I don't believe any of those sayings. I don't think that you can neatly tie up the package of cheating and sum up a person's life like that. The damage that cheating does to a spouse, a family, and society is enormous. So, out of the pain that people experience over a cheating spouse, they can draw conclusions that are not always valid. They believe "all men are dogs." They think they can not trust anyone again.
But, is it fair to blame all men for what one person has done to you? And what of your part in in? What makes a person cheat? Does everyone cheat? Take the case of Emily.* She is only 25 years old but the other day she told her mother that she doesn't know if she can ever trust a man again. Emily just broke off her engagement to Bradley* after a friend exposed his cheating heart. When she confronted Bradley, he did not deny it. She was devastated. She should be on her honeymoon right now, but instead she is busy cleaning up all the messy details that occur when a couple breaks up. Believe me she is not the only one who ever picked up the broken pieces of their life after Bradley got through with them. There is also his baby mamma Stephanie*and his five year old son Connor.*
(He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself-Proverbs 6:32)
"Isn't Bradley's evil?" "Is Bradley just a bum?" Those are some of the things that Emily's mother asked me the other day. Emily's mother also wondered "whether everyone cheats?" I was shocked. Hadn't she reflected on her daughter's dating history and seen a pattern? Emily seems to have had one disaster after another with men. It just doesn't seem like an accident. Her first boyfriend was Romeo.* He was handsome and from a wealthy family in Connecticut. Romeo and Emily brought new meaning to the word shallow. In the end, instead of breaking off with Romeo first, and then dating someone else, there seemed to be a little overlap with her dating Eric. She had all sorts of justifications for why she dumped Romeo in a less than kind way, but the fact remains, she cheated on him. Romeo was devastated that she cheated on him. He trolled her on social media with abusive memes like you wouldn't believe! Eric ended up to be another useless boyfriend. What do you expect from a guy who takes up with another guys' girl so easily?
(Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known-Proverbs 10:9)
Emily's parents were Christians. They loved the Lord, but failed to see the challenge that Emily's secular high school was for her. They "were in the world and not of it," and thought that their children would simply follow suit. But, the world was winning over Emily's heart and mind. The insensitive hookup culture of ********* High seemed normal to Emily. That is what she saw, day in and day out. Guys didn't ask girls out on dates anymore, they were more likely to just try and make-out in an empty hallway or in someone's unsupervised home. Many of these teenagers' parents were movers and shakers in Manhattan law firms or New York area hospitals.
These parents grew up in the permissive parenting, free-love, and drug culture of the 1960's and 70's. Some of them, like Emily's parent, had found the Lord but many had not. New York has never recovered from the seismic cultural upsets of that period and went to atheism in one or two generations. The prevailing culture of New York sucks you in like a black hole. It is a lot like ancient Corinth (Romans 1:22-32). Some people wonder if New York is the Babylon referred to in the Book of Revelation! (Rev 18:1-8) New York is a great place to get a job but imagine being a Christian parent in such an environment! Many Christians are turning to home-schooling in a quest to successsfully raise God-honoring children. I think that is a great idea and I have seen good results.
Cheating is a mind-set. First and foremost, it is a de-valuing of your partner. It is a failure to treat them with the dignity that they deserve. Sometimes that comes from seeing your parents treat each other in de-valuing ways. Other times, it comes from a narcissistic attitude. The type of attitude that puts our feelings and needs above everyone else's. Some people overcome their cheating ways after taking a church marriage class. Learning better relationship skills and coping mechanisms can make all the difference in your present relationship. Why not give it a try?
The cheating mind-set always existed of course. You can see cheating exposed for what it is, in excruciating detail, in the story of David and Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 11:1-27) In our day and age, people sometimes take sexuality lightly, without the constraints of God's law to direct them. Such was the case with Bradley. Bradley got caught cheating just one month before his wedding because he was bragging about cheating all over town. Is cheating sometimes an inability of people to be intimate? Yes, it is. Some of you reading this may wonder what real intimacy is. Perhaps you have never felt it in your family or with your partner. Real intimacy is not gauged by your family get-together on the Fourth of July or Christmas. These events are often superficial contrivances.
(I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth-Genesis 9:13)
What about sex? How does that play in? Bradley thought sex was real intimacy. Many people do. No, real intimacy means patience and committment through both the good times and the bad. It is measured in communication, and service to one another. It takes time to develop. We need to make having quality time with one another a priority. I don't mean a "how are you?" every Sunday or Thanksgiving. Intimacy grows when you take the time to learn about some one's hopes and dreams and you share your life with one another.
When you hold a hand to comfort in times of trouble or pray with someone, intimacy grows. What role does sex play in marital intimacy? Many people are just seeking the pleasure of the sexual moment and the excitement of each new conquest. This will never fully satisfy and will eventually leave a person empty and depressed. The gift of real sexual intimacy grows from time spent working on your marital relationship. It reflects the commitment that you make and what you put into your relationship. So, if you are not happy in your marital sex life, look at where you need to improve as a spouse. (Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous-Hebrews 13:4) Sometimes our family and friends have not been good role-models for fidelity but, we can look to God Almighty and get the perfect picture of faithfulness. In Deuteronomy 31:8 we see this. "And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."
*Names changed
********Names of schools not mentioned.
But, is it fair to blame all men for what one person has done to you? And what of your part in in? What makes a person cheat? Does everyone cheat? Take the case of Emily.* She is only 25 years old but the other day she told her mother that she doesn't know if she can ever trust a man again. Emily just broke off her engagement to Bradley* after a friend exposed his cheating heart. When she confronted Bradley, he did not deny it. She was devastated. She should be on her honeymoon right now, but instead she is busy cleaning up all the messy details that occur when a couple breaks up. Believe me she is not the only one who ever picked up the broken pieces of their life after Bradley got through with them. There is also his baby mamma Stephanie*and his five year old son Connor.*
(He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself-Proverbs 6:32)
"Isn't Bradley's evil?" "Is Bradley just a bum?" Those are some of the things that Emily's mother asked me the other day. Emily's mother also wondered "whether everyone cheats?" I was shocked. Hadn't she reflected on her daughter's dating history and seen a pattern? Emily seems to have had one disaster after another with men. It just doesn't seem like an accident. Her first boyfriend was Romeo.* He was handsome and from a wealthy family in Connecticut. Romeo and Emily brought new meaning to the word shallow. In the end, instead of breaking off with Romeo first, and then dating someone else, there seemed to be a little overlap with her dating Eric. She had all sorts of justifications for why she dumped Romeo in a less than kind way, but the fact remains, she cheated on him. Romeo was devastated that she cheated on him. He trolled her on social media with abusive memes like you wouldn't believe! Eric ended up to be another useless boyfriend. What do you expect from a guy who takes up with another guys' girl so easily?
(Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known-Proverbs 10:9)
Emily's parents were Christians. They loved the Lord, but failed to see the challenge that Emily's secular high school was for her. They "were in the world and not of it," and thought that their children would simply follow suit. But, the world was winning over Emily's heart and mind. The insensitive hookup culture of ********* High seemed normal to Emily. That is what she saw, day in and day out. Guys didn't ask girls out on dates anymore, they were more likely to just try and make-out in an empty hallway or in someone's unsupervised home. Many of these teenagers' parents were movers and shakers in Manhattan law firms or New York area hospitals.
These parents grew up in the permissive parenting, free-love, and drug culture of the 1960's and 70's. Some of them, like Emily's parent, had found the Lord but many had not. New York has never recovered from the seismic cultural upsets of that period and went to atheism in one or two generations. The prevailing culture of New York sucks you in like a black hole. It is a lot like ancient Corinth (Romans 1:22-32). Some people wonder if New York is the Babylon referred to in the Book of Revelation! (Rev 18:1-8) New York is a great place to get a job but imagine being a Christian parent in such an environment! Many Christians are turning to home-schooling in a quest to successsfully raise God-honoring children. I think that is a great idea and I have seen good results.
Cheating is a mind-set. First and foremost, it is a de-valuing of your partner. It is a failure to treat them with the dignity that they deserve. Sometimes that comes from seeing your parents treat each other in de-valuing ways. Other times, it comes from a narcissistic attitude. The type of attitude that puts our feelings and needs above everyone else's. Some people overcome their cheating ways after taking a church marriage class. Learning better relationship skills and coping mechanisms can make all the difference in your present relationship. Why not give it a try?
The cheating mind-set always existed of course. You can see cheating exposed for what it is, in excruciating detail, in the story of David and Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 11:1-27) In our day and age, people sometimes take sexuality lightly, without the constraints of God's law to direct them. Such was the case with Bradley. Bradley got caught cheating just one month before his wedding because he was bragging about cheating all over town. Is cheating sometimes an inability of people to be intimate? Yes, it is. Some of you reading this may wonder what real intimacy is. Perhaps you have never felt it in your family or with your partner. Real intimacy is not gauged by your family get-together on the Fourth of July or Christmas. These events are often superficial contrivances.
(I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth-Genesis 9:13)
What about sex? How does that play in? Bradley thought sex was real intimacy. Many people do. No, real intimacy means patience and committment through both the good times and the bad. It is measured in communication, and service to one another. It takes time to develop. We need to make having quality time with one another a priority. I don't mean a "how are you?" every Sunday or Thanksgiving. Intimacy grows when you take the time to learn about some one's hopes and dreams and you share your life with one another.
When you hold a hand to comfort in times of trouble or pray with someone, intimacy grows. What role does sex play in marital intimacy? Many people are just seeking the pleasure of the sexual moment and the excitement of each new conquest. This will never fully satisfy and will eventually leave a person empty and depressed. The gift of real sexual intimacy grows from time spent working on your marital relationship. It reflects the commitment that you make and what you put into your relationship. So, if you are not happy in your marital sex life, look at where you need to improve as a spouse. (Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous-Hebrews 13:4) Sometimes our family and friends have not been good role-models for fidelity but, we can look to God Almighty and get the perfect picture of faithfulness. In Deuteronomy 31:8 we see this. "And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."
*Names changed
********Names of schools not mentioned.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
What To Wear On Your Trip
My husband has just gone off to an early morning business meeting. I am eating my breakfast here at the Victoria Park Plaza Hotel in London and thinking about my day. While in London, I planned to take two craft classes at Tea and Crafting to improve my knitting and to learn British technique for "rag rugging." My knitting class was held in the Camden Market area of town. Today, I will do my rag rugging class in the Covent Garden section of town.
I packed my beaded boho Free People peasant top and downtown style pants to tour the Camden Market area and planned a more sophisticated styling for my morning in Covent Garden. Packing for any trip entails planning for the specific details of that trip. For example, is this a beach vacation, a sporty adventure, or am I planning a business trip? Could the weather be rainy or chilly? I consider myself a good and practical packer. I try to pack only what I or my family might need. I start with the weather report and the purpose of the trip. Next, I write out a pack list. I am usually packed a few weeks before a planned trip.
What seems natural to me, does not necessarily come easy for someone else. Take for instance my friend Lena.* Lena will be going to the Czech Republic in a week or so. Lena struggles with packing. So much so, that she usually doesn't sleep the night before any trip because she is still doing laundry and packing. She shops, she packs, she unpacks, and then packs again. What shoes or handbags will she bring? She keeps changing her mind. She packs way too much in the hope that she can pack for every eventuality. This is all very disruptive to her life in the weeks before any trip as she tries to coordinate this with her demanding job as an architect in Westchester County, N.Y. In this case, Lena even realizes that she has failed to prepare for her business meetings in a way that she would have liked to.
In the hopes of changing her habits she called me several weeks ago and asked me if I would come over and give her some guidance in this process. I was happy to be of some assistance. As a Christian, my concept of packing is closely related to the understanding that God has made us in His image and likeness. Because of that, we are by our creation, imbued with inherent dignity for who we are and not because of our clothing or any outward attribute. This understanding is a foundation to me in a world so quick to judge us based on how we look.
Part of Lena's problem stems from her concern that she must have a perfect appearance. She places a huge value on her personal appearance and she is convinced that others do as well. One of the biggest impediments to personal growth is the mistaken notion that everyone feels the way we do about everything. For example, a person who cheats on their school exam will often tell you, "everyone does it." This statement is simply not true!
Lena was somewhat curious why I did not stress out over packing for my trip and downright amazed that I had not just packed for myself, but for my husband too. She thought everyone stressed out about such things! The day we arranged our get-together, Lena prepared a delicious lunch for me, consisting of a large salad, butternut squash and a spinach quiche. After lunch, I was anxious to sit down and talk to her about her upcoming trip. I know that she was planning to travel with her co-worker Elizabeth.* Lena had a history of barely making flights and annoying both friends and family in the process.
Her two and a half week trip to Eastern Europe would mostly consist of intense business meetings starting early and ending late, dinners, a concert and some sight-seeing. My rule of thumb is if I am traveling for a month, I will need two weeks worth of clothing. Traveling two weeks usually just a weeks worth of clothing will do. I pack a little laundry soap and do one wash load, and I am set. I told her to decide on a color scheme and to accessorize with scarves and belts. One business shoe, one athletic shoe and an evening shoe. Pack slipper socks to lounge around in. That takes up no space.
A golden rule for travel is choosing things which can serve multiple purposes. For example, I have a purse which is appropriate as a day bag but when evening comes simply take off the shoulder strap and it transforms into an evening clutch. I also brought my reversible canvas Valentino tote. One side is simple canvas and the other is canvas with pink lace adornment. This is a great casual bag for sightseeing, and shopping but yet it has a little more sophistication in its' styling. My color scheme was gray, off-white and blue. I add a necklace and a cloisonné bracelet which matches every outfit. Everything that I bring can be mixed and matched so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same outfit all the time. A few multi-colored tank tops, in the above color scheme, and we are set.
When Lena begins to try on her clothing and we begin to go through her collection of handbags, we quickly find all the right items that she needs to pack for her trip. The attire looked lovely on her and was appropriate for the trip that she was planning. Lena has great taste in clothing. We create a pile of clothing to pack in no time! However, as we dig into the job of packing, I sense we hit a sensitive spot in Lena's life. She is an intelligent and well-accomplished woman. Why does she need me to help her make some simple clothing decisions? Beneath Lena's slick veneer lies a woman unsure of her own worth. Is she skinny enough? Is she pretty enough?
Many women struggle their whole life with feelings of low-esteem. They can never hear a compliment. Sometimes, like Lena, they drive everyone around them crazy because they have failed to come to terms with a core issue of their existence, which is, who are we and where does our worth come from? The Bible has a lot of guidance about what's really important. Here are a few verses of wisdom to help us along.
1 Peter 3:3-4 : Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of the inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Samuel 16:7 : But the Lord said to Samuel,"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
These two verses point out that who we are is much more important than what we look like. There is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking good, but let's make sure to put that into perspective. God places a higher value on the development of our character than anything else. Others around us may judge us by the wrong standards but we can rise above that and understand what really matters, and that is, your heart. God bless you.
I packed my beaded boho Free People peasant top and downtown style pants to tour the Camden Market area and planned a more sophisticated styling for my morning in Covent Garden. Packing for any trip entails planning for the specific details of that trip. For example, is this a beach vacation, a sporty adventure, or am I planning a business trip? Could the weather be rainy or chilly? I consider myself a good and practical packer. I try to pack only what I or my family might need. I start with the weather report and the purpose of the trip. Next, I write out a pack list. I am usually packed a few weeks before a planned trip.
What seems natural to me, does not necessarily come easy for someone else. Take for instance my friend Lena.* Lena will be going to the Czech Republic in a week or so. Lena struggles with packing. So much so, that she usually doesn't sleep the night before any trip because she is still doing laundry and packing. She shops, she packs, she unpacks, and then packs again. What shoes or handbags will she bring? She keeps changing her mind. She packs way too much in the hope that she can pack for every eventuality. This is all very disruptive to her life in the weeks before any trip as she tries to coordinate this with her demanding job as an architect in Westchester County, N.Y. In this case, Lena even realizes that she has failed to prepare for her business meetings in a way that she would have liked to.
In the hopes of changing her habits she called me several weeks ago and asked me if I would come over and give her some guidance in this process. I was happy to be of some assistance. As a Christian, my concept of packing is closely related to the understanding that God has made us in His image and likeness. Because of that, we are by our creation, imbued with inherent dignity for who we are and not because of our clothing or any outward attribute. This understanding is a foundation to me in a world so quick to judge us based on how we look.
Part of Lena's problem stems from her concern that she must have a perfect appearance. She places a huge value on her personal appearance and she is convinced that others do as well. One of the biggest impediments to personal growth is the mistaken notion that everyone feels the way we do about everything. For example, a person who cheats on their school exam will often tell you, "everyone does it." This statement is simply not true!
Lena was somewhat curious why I did not stress out over packing for my trip and downright amazed that I had not just packed for myself, but for my husband too. She thought everyone stressed out about such things! The day we arranged our get-together, Lena prepared a delicious lunch for me, consisting of a large salad, butternut squash and a spinach quiche. After lunch, I was anxious to sit down and talk to her about her upcoming trip. I know that she was planning to travel with her co-worker Elizabeth.* Lena had a history of barely making flights and annoying both friends and family in the process.
Her two and a half week trip to Eastern Europe would mostly consist of intense business meetings starting early and ending late, dinners, a concert and some sight-seeing. My rule of thumb is if I am traveling for a month, I will need two weeks worth of clothing. Traveling two weeks usually just a weeks worth of clothing will do. I pack a little laundry soap and do one wash load, and I am set. I told her to decide on a color scheme and to accessorize with scarves and belts. One business shoe, one athletic shoe and an evening shoe. Pack slipper socks to lounge around in. That takes up no space.
A golden rule for travel is choosing things which can serve multiple purposes. For example, I have a purse which is appropriate as a day bag but when evening comes simply take off the shoulder strap and it transforms into an evening clutch. I also brought my reversible canvas Valentino tote. One side is simple canvas and the other is canvas with pink lace adornment. This is a great casual bag for sightseeing, and shopping but yet it has a little more sophistication in its' styling. My color scheme was gray, off-white and blue. I add a necklace and a cloisonné bracelet which matches every outfit. Everything that I bring can be mixed and matched so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same outfit all the time. A few multi-colored tank tops, in the above color scheme, and we are set.
When Lena begins to try on her clothing and we begin to go through her collection of handbags, we quickly find all the right items that she needs to pack for her trip. The attire looked lovely on her and was appropriate for the trip that she was planning. Lena has great taste in clothing. We create a pile of clothing to pack in no time! However, as we dig into the job of packing, I sense we hit a sensitive spot in Lena's life. She is an intelligent and well-accomplished woman. Why does she need me to help her make some simple clothing decisions? Beneath Lena's slick veneer lies a woman unsure of her own worth. Is she skinny enough? Is she pretty enough?
Many women struggle their whole life with feelings of low-esteem. They can never hear a compliment. Sometimes, like Lena, they drive everyone around them crazy because they have failed to come to terms with a core issue of their existence, which is, who are we and where does our worth come from? The Bible has a lot of guidance about what's really important. Here are a few verses of wisdom to help us along.
1 Peter 3:3-4 : Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of the inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Samuel 16:7 : But the Lord said to Samuel,"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
These two verses point out that who we are is much more important than what we look like. There is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking good, but let's make sure to put that into perspective. God places a higher value on the development of our character than anything else. Others around us may judge us by the wrong standards but we can rise above that and understand what really matters, and that is, your heart. God bless you.
*names are changed.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
In Love Remotely?
I have been watching a friend throw herself at a man, and it is hard to watch. All sorts of things are going through my mind about it. The first thing was a funny and sad book that was written in 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called, He's Just Not That Into You. This book highlights many letters written by women to Greg asking him for advice about their love life. He inevitably answers all the inquiries with the phrase he's just not that into you and then explains why.
My regular readers will be familiar with the name Shannon* whom I highlighted last year in my blog post, Love Gone Wrong. This is one of my top ten most popular blog posts. If you have not read it already go to this March 2016 post to give yourself some background on this story. Here is an update on Shannon. Shannon has now been divorced almost a year. She is hardly the person I used to know. Divorce changes a person.
This whole thing has broken her in many ways. The truth is she was never as strong as she pretended to be. None of us are. Divorce is like climbing Mount Everest. It is a challenge, you know it's going to be a challenge. You know that all your resources: physical, emotional and spiritual will be tested. Many people that I know think divorce will bring them the happiness that has alluded them. People have all sorts of pre-conceptions about what divorce will be like. But, then you face the mountain, and it's a monster!
Shannon's husband hooked up with a younger woman and if that isn't bad enough, he has continued to squeeze her financially in any way that he is able. He just never lets up in his quest to stealthily steal anything that he can from Shannon, even after their divorce. This includes wheeler-dealer tactics as they sold their former marital abode. She won't tell me exactly what happened, because she doesn't want to even think about it. She doesn't want to think about a lot of things. She did let me know that he managed to keep the majority of the profit from the sale of that house. I think she is embarrassed that she just can't handle this fight anymore. She has always seen herself as a scrappy Irish fighter, but all the fight seems to have gone out of her. She is struggling to understand who she really is in light of this divorce.
If only she could see some of these events in the light of God's love and comfort. If only she could understand the Christian lifestyle, including marriage advice. This would help her to understand what she has done to contribute to her divorce and how turning to God at this time in her life could assure a different outcome the next time. She so wants a new man in her life, but what sort of a man will Shannon get? What are the possibilities?
The people we choose as mates most often represent our level of maturity and wisdom. They also seem to show patterns that were ingrained in us as children. Without God's assistance in our dating life we can easily slip into unhealthy and dissatisfying relationships. Shannon's parents were divorced when she was just a toddler, thereby normalizing divorce for her. She has never questioned divorce or its meaning. Her husband had been the divorced father of two small boys when she met him 14 years ago. He get sole custody of those two boys in the divorce. She didn't think much about that or question him about the reason for the divorce. Of course, he blamed it all on his ex-wife. That is always a red-flag for me!
I remember at the time, Shannon was head-over-heels in love with this guy. She asked me what I thought of the situation. At the time, I questioned her about marrying a divorced man. I told her that when my husband carried me over the "threshold", I knew that I was the only one who he had done that with. When we started the grand adventure of marriage, we would both be exploring it together for the first time. I asked her why he got divorced and why he had sole-custody of the children. Her reply was that "this woman was evil" and that "she wanted nothing to do with these children." Shannon could fill in no more details than that. It sounded like she was reading from a scripted version of what really happened. I wondered aloud what his ex-wife might opine.
Those questions were answered for me as I watched in horror when Shannon went through her own divorce with her husband Rocky.* Suddenly, Rocky began depicting her as evil and trumped up allegations against her aimed at winning sole-custody of their one child together. Well now, Shannon is head-over-heels in love with Shaun.* Surprised? He has been married two times and I am not sure that he is divorced from his second wife. Shannon told me that she thinks "he just married the wrong women." She (Shannon) is "nothing like his second wife."
Shannon and Shaun knew each other in high school and through the marvels of the Internet she and he are able to communicate daily via Facebook, FaceTime and instant messaging. He currently resides in the state of Texas and she lives in Westchester County, N.Y. They have been communicating electronically for about a year and a half. They met briefly last fall when he breezed through town on his way to visit his family who reside in the Northeastern United States. Rather than have a cordial and romantic evening, Shaun and Shannon immediately had a disagreement and Shannon asked Shaun to leave. The feelings that get aroused electronically can never equal the in-person expectations that are generated. Shaun and Shannon both take perfect selfies but it does not seem real to me.
The realities of heartbreak and the dissapointments of life can not be effectively alleviated via text messaging. The best it can do is numb us temporarily or give us false courage like an alcoholic beverage might. Just like an alcoholic beverage, sometimes when we wake up from the stupor, we understand it was not reality. Shannon has told me that she loves this man. Shannon does have other possibilities too. She has been asked out to dinner by a number of men locally. But, these men can't seem to hold a candle to this long-distance boyfriend and she ends up ending every encounter after a single date. It seems surreal, almost like one of those prison romances. We have all asked ourselves, what those are all about?
Shaun or a prison pen-pal can not dissapoint by dropping tomato sauce on their tie or eating with their mouth open. You won't have any conflicts about what movie to see or what restaurant to go to. Maybe, Shannon and Shaun don't want to get hurt again as they did in their marriages. No blended family problems, or fighting about money, sounds good right? Wrong. Shaun and Shannon are merely putting a bandaid on their broken lives when in fact it looks like they need a more comprehensive treatment. Beware of things which make you feel good for the moment but fail to satisfy. Pornography, alcohol, and drugs fall into this category, as does excessive shopping. Online romances are frequently a fantasy like video games. You feel all puffed up, as if you just really slayed a dragon or think, this man really loves me.
Shannon texts Shaun when she is bored at work or has a break in her day. She has a distraction to detract from the workplace stress that she needs to find a solution for. He feels desirable again but doesn't have to face his fear of committment issues. The truth is, whenever Shannon tries to get a little closer, he does not text or call her back. He is just not that into her! He avoids her texts if she gets too emotional or if their online musings are getting a little too real for him. She doesn't have to face the character issues that she really needs to work on and neither does he. This is not a good thing. Their character issues have, and will continue to, effect those around them including their children, family and workplaces. God has a better plan for all of us. He wants our character and relationships to point to higher and more eternal principles. Those principles include hope, working through problems, and meaningful relationships with Him and one another.
* the names are changed. Actually, my friend asked me to call her Shannon, if I ever told her story on this blog.
My regular readers will be familiar with the name Shannon* whom I highlighted last year in my blog post, Love Gone Wrong. This is one of my top ten most popular blog posts. If you have not read it already go to this March 2016 post to give yourself some background on this story. Here is an update on Shannon. Shannon has now been divorced almost a year. She is hardly the person I used to know. Divorce changes a person.
This whole thing has broken her in many ways. The truth is she was never as strong as she pretended to be. None of us are. Divorce is like climbing Mount Everest. It is a challenge, you know it's going to be a challenge. You know that all your resources: physical, emotional and spiritual will be tested. Many people that I know think divorce will bring them the happiness that has alluded them. People have all sorts of pre-conceptions about what divorce will be like. But, then you face the mountain, and it's a monster!
Shannon's husband hooked up with a younger woman and if that isn't bad enough, he has continued to squeeze her financially in any way that he is able. He just never lets up in his quest to stealthily steal anything that he can from Shannon, even after their divorce. This includes wheeler-dealer tactics as they sold their former marital abode. She won't tell me exactly what happened, because she doesn't want to even think about it. She doesn't want to think about a lot of things. She did let me know that he managed to keep the majority of the profit from the sale of that house. I think she is embarrassed that she just can't handle this fight anymore. She has always seen herself as a scrappy Irish fighter, but all the fight seems to have gone out of her. She is struggling to understand who she really is in light of this divorce.
If only she could see some of these events in the light of God's love and comfort. If only she could understand the Christian lifestyle, including marriage advice. This would help her to understand what she has done to contribute to her divorce and how turning to God at this time in her life could assure a different outcome the next time. She so wants a new man in her life, but what sort of a man will Shannon get? What are the possibilities?
The people we choose as mates most often represent our level of maturity and wisdom. They also seem to show patterns that were ingrained in us as children. Without God's assistance in our dating life we can easily slip into unhealthy and dissatisfying relationships. Shannon's parents were divorced when she was just a toddler, thereby normalizing divorce for her. She has never questioned divorce or its meaning. Her husband had been the divorced father of two small boys when she met him 14 years ago. He get sole custody of those two boys in the divorce. She didn't think much about that or question him about the reason for the divorce. Of course, he blamed it all on his ex-wife. That is always a red-flag for me!
I remember at the time, Shannon was head-over-heels in love with this guy. She asked me what I thought of the situation. At the time, I questioned her about marrying a divorced man. I told her that when my husband carried me over the "threshold", I knew that I was the only one who he had done that with. When we started the grand adventure of marriage, we would both be exploring it together for the first time. I asked her why he got divorced and why he had sole-custody of the children. Her reply was that "this woman was evil" and that "she wanted nothing to do with these children." Shannon could fill in no more details than that. It sounded like she was reading from a scripted version of what really happened. I wondered aloud what his ex-wife might opine.
Those questions were answered for me as I watched in horror when Shannon went through her own divorce with her husband Rocky.* Suddenly, Rocky began depicting her as evil and trumped up allegations against her aimed at winning sole-custody of their one child together. Well now, Shannon is head-over-heels in love with Shaun.* Surprised? He has been married two times and I am not sure that he is divorced from his second wife. Shannon told me that she thinks "he just married the wrong women." She (Shannon) is "nothing like his second wife."
Shannon and Shaun knew each other in high school and through the marvels of the Internet she and he are able to communicate daily via Facebook, FaceTime and instant messaging. He currently resides in the state of Texas and she lives in Westchester County, N.Y. They have been communicating electronically for about a year and a half. They met briefly last fall when he breezed through town on his way to visit his family who reside in the Northeastern United States. Rather than have a cordial and romantic evening, Shaun and Shannon immediately had a disagreement and Shannon asked Shaun to leave. The feelings that get aroused electronically can never equal the in-person expectations that are generated. Shaun and Shannon both take perfect selfies but it does not seem real to me.
The realities of heartbreak and the dissapointments of life can not be effectively alleviated via text messaging. The best it can do is numb us temporarily or give us false courage like an alcoholic beverage might. Just like an alcoholic beverage, sometimes when we wake up from the stupor, we understand it was not reality. Shannon has told me that she loves this man. Shannon does have other possibilities too. She has been asked out to dinner by a number of men locally. But, these men can't seem to hold a candle to this long-distance boyfriend and she ends up ending every encounter after a single date. It seems surreal, almost like one of those prison romances. We have all asked ourselves, what those are all about?
Shaun or a prison pen-pal can not dissapoint by dropping tomato sauce on their tie or eating with their mouth open. You won't have any conflicts about what movie to see or what restaurant to go to. Maybe, Shannon and Shaun don't want to get hurt again as they did in their marriages. No blended family problems, or fighting about money, sounds good right? Wrong. Shaun and Shannon are merely putting a bandaid on their broken lives when in fact it looks like they need a more comprehensive treatment. Beware of things which make you feel good for the moment but fail to satisfy. Pornography, alcohol, and drugs fall into this category, as does excessive shopping. Online romances are frequently a fantasy like video games. You feel all puffed up, as if you just really slayed a dragon or think, this man really loves me.
Shannon texts Shaun when she is bored at work or has a break in her day. She has a distraction to detract from the workplace stress that she needs to find a solution for. He feels desirable again but doesn't have to face his fear of committment issues. The truth is, whenever Shannon tries to get a little closer, he does not text or call her back. He is just not that into her! He avoids her texts if she gets too emotional or if their online musings are getting a little too real for him. She doesn't have to face the character issues that she really needs to work on and neither does he. This is not a good thing. Their character issues have, and will continue to, effect those around them including their children, family and workplaces. God has a better plan for all of us. He wants our character and relationships to point to higher and more eternal principles. Those principles include hope, working through problems, and meaningful relationships with Him and one another.
* the names are changed. Actually, my friend asked me to call her Shannon, if I ever told her story on this blog.
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