HONOR YOUR MOTHER-PART2

As we drove down the alleyway leading to Charlene's* mothers' condominium, I had some butterflies in the pit of my stomach.  Was I butting into Charlene's family business and would she and her family end up resenting me?  Would I be upsetting any routine or expectations that this 93 year old lady had?  The primary reason for this visit was to access her mother's driving ability and if appropriate buy her a new car.  At 93 years of age, it is truly amazing for her to have driven this many years.  I was skeptical from the beginning, after all, how many 93 year olds do you know who are still driving?  I calmed myself by remembering that after two years of Charlene talking to me about buying her mother a car and extending an invitation for me to join her on this trip, that I should try to be a blessing to this family.  I prayed for God to use me in this situation to help and assist this family where needed.  I prayed for God to mend the relational fractures that existed between mother and children, and most of all I prayed for God's guidance in determining if Martha* should still be driving at all!

Mark*, Charlene's brother, pulled his car (or rather the car he had borrowed) into Martha's driveway, parked it, and directed me through a tall wooden door which lead into a small, private outside garden.  Then, just beyond a table and chair was his mother's front door.  Martha, came to the door immediately.  She was a sprite and courtly woman who insisted on taking me on a tour of her small home.  It had a homey feeling to it. It was very neat and tidy.  Was this the obsessive cleanliness that Charlene told me about over the years?  To the left was the living room, to the right, a dining area and kitchen, and beyond that two bedrooms and baths.  There were family photographs everywhere and I got to see adorable pictures of my friend Charlene as a child.  I also saw Martha's perfectly organized craft closet and sewing area.  This was the place where she had worked on the amazing and beautiful quilts which I now saw. Martha had been quite gifted at this traditional folk art and it had given her much comfort after the death of her husband.  Now, she could not see well enough to do those small stitches, but still met regularly with her "quilting bee."

The talk turned to traditional family topics : updates on family members, health, travel, and finally to Martha's car.  Martha drove an old, beaten-up Chevrolet.  Whenever her son Mark used his mother's car, he thoughtlessly dropped food and beverage everywhere, making this car dirty as well as old.  Mark had moved in with his mother following a nasty divorce, but ten years later, he had still never recovered financially, emotionally or spiritually.  It is a shame really.  In part one of this story, I hint at the intelligence manifested by Mark and his sister Charlene.  Mark is one of the most intelligent people that I have met in a long time.  That says a lot when you come from Westchester County, NY where people work very hard at manifesting all the right intellectual postures and honing any and all skills to laser-like precision.  Mark could talk impressively in the topics of history, music, mathematics and science and, he was a walking dictionary.  In my opinion, he was what used to be known as the "Renaissance Man," i.e. an intellectually well-rounded man. Martha told me her son stopped attending Church following his divorce.  What was really holding back someone as gifted as Mark from achieving his full potential?

In the days that followed, it became very clear why I was down in Texas.  It was not to visit all the musical venues associated with Austin, Texas nor was it to learn the two-step as Charlene had promised me.  The first part of my purpose here was to assist Charlene in understanding and empathizing with the needs of her elderly mother.  Charlene another gifted egghead had very unrealistic expectations of this trip and the needs of her mother.  It was up to me to give her some basic information.  Number one included assessing her mother's health.  Charlene vaguely felt that her mother was experiencing some short-term memory loss.  I told her that I noticed some hearing and sight problems as well.  Should Martha be driving?  Charlene and Mark needed to clear this with their mother's doctors and very importantly get in the car with their mother and give her a test drive.  Next, I told Charlene that when you visit a 93 year old person, the focus needed to be on how you
could serve them.  This might include home repairs, cooking, cleaning or driving them places that
they needed to go.  Then one offers companionship and comfort.  During these discussions she more
than once said how she wished her mother would just agree to enter an assisted living facility.  Two
years ago, Charlene took her mother to tour several facilities and even carefully researched ways for
her mother to finance it.  She was very cold in her search mission and seemingly insensitive to her mother's feelings about this.  She brought those tours up several times in an effort to bully her mother even now, into entering such a facility.

Bullying seemed to be a defining attribute of this family.  Never was it so clear as when I saw them all together.  Was Martha the root of all this, as Charlene continually suggested, or was there another explanation?  I am opting for another explanation.  A variety of explanations kept playing in my mind as I tried to make sense of this family drama.  I kept coming back to the same conclusion, which is that this family suffers with a variety of undiagnosed and untreated maladies, among them obsessive
compulsive disorder and attention deficit disorder. Throughout my weeklong sojourn in Austin, I saw many behaviors linked to these conditions and began to add up the facts.  It appeared to me that Charlene and her brother Mark labored under many compulsions and maladaptive behaviors which they seemed powerless to control.  An interesting twist in this story, is that I did not see Martha exhibit any of the monsterous characteristics that Charlene and her brother had attributed to her.  Instead, it was Charlene and Mark who manifested every cruelty.  It was so bad at points that I thought it bordered on elder abuse and I told them so. I was compelled to step in many times to correct the situation.  I found myself telling Charlene to be more patient, I asked her to lower her voice, and I urged everyone to calm down.

I am not saying that Charlene is wrong about her mother.  I was not there throughout her life and many experiences.  Perhaps Martha had mellowed with age.  Perhaps she tempered her behavior when visitors were present.  All that I can attest to was that during my visit to Texas, this 93 year old was by far, kinder and more emotionally stable than either of her children were.  My observations also were that Charlene and Mark were NOW everything they accused their mother of being : intolerant, perfectionists, self-centered, controlling and moody.  Besides mental challenges, the other
unspoken challenge that exists in this family is the gulf that exists between believers and non-believers in God.  Do you have a family situation which seems impossible?  It might be time to look at the whole thing from a fresh perspective.  It might be time to consider new explanations as I did during my week in Austin.  Sometimes, we are the problem.  If so, let us have the courage to face this.  Do we need counseling or treatment?  Do we need to humbly confess our sins to the Lord?  The Bible contains many stories of parent-child dilemmas.  It is not a book of perfect people with perfect relationships.  Just like Martha and her children, some of those biblical families consisted of parents
who believed in God and children who did not.  There are parents who made serious mistakes in role modeling godly behavior.  They had to suffer the consequences of those actions.  But, we need to learn from these stories and try to avoid error in our life.

Charlene promised to go to Church with her mother and myself but ended up making excuses on Sunday morning and playing her flute instead.  That morning, I had an amazing time at Martha's Bible Study. It was lead by an anointed and godly 86 year old woman, named Jenny*.  After Bible Study, I arranged for Jenny, Martha and I to have a candid discussion about Martha and driving.  This discussion, as well as the test drive that Martha took convinced me that she is still able to drive in a
limited capacity in Austin.  Yes, you are safe Austin!  The sermon at Church that day, which Charlene missed, focused on broken parent and child relationships.  Charlene waltzed in to pick us up at the end of that sermon, which I know that God had intended for her family.  Oh, Lord, I pray that those few words that she managed to hear touched Charlene in even the smallest way and that they would lead to growth and change.

We closed the deal on a used car the day before our flight back to Westchester, N.Y.  Updates from Charlene indicate that her mother is adjusting to her new car and enjoys driving it.  I had time to pray and read the Bible with Martha.  We talked about many things of spiritual interest to Martha and there was the easy fellowship that believers have with one another.  I promised her that if something
happened to her, that I would continue to pray for her children to come to know, or in the case of
Mark, to return to the Lord.  This trip had a lot of emotionally challenges for me.  I had to pray continually to meet the challenges of this family drama.  I also could not have done it without the support of  my Christian friends in New York.  Yet, if we do not bring Jesus even into the darkest places, how will they know Him?  There are times that God leads us into acts of service, to help our family, friends or even a stranger.  Is God leading you today?


* real stories but the names and a few details are changed.

HONOR YOUR MOTHER? YOU DON'T KNOW MY MOTHER! PART 1

Westchester Christian Housewife is writing from Texas this week. This is not a vacation friends.  This is family life as bad as it gets.  To be specific, I was asked by my friend Charlene* to come down with her on a family visit to Austin, Texas.  Charlene, a musician and teacher, is originally from that vicinity and visits regularly to check-in on her 93 year old mother.  She also has a brother and cousins in this area.  She grew up in a southern baptist church with two parents who were committed to their faith.  Charlene never felt what all her Sunday school friends felt as they came to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior.  In fact, she felt the OPPOSITE.  She felt that there was no God, that faith in Jesus Christ was mythology and that science had most of the real answers.  The rest of her answers came from her love of music.  All that she did not feel about God, she felt for music.

She felt the power of music was transformative.  That it had the power to heal and uplift.  She began playing the flute later than most professionals do, but her commitment and ability allowed her to move ahead quickly.  This effort payed off, because by the time she was ready to enter college she was able to procur a musical scholarship.  Soon she could financially manage without her parents help and now she felt emancipated!  Her emancipation meant living a lifestyle in complete opposition to all her parents believed and taught her.  She chose to move to the Northeastern part of the United States to continue her musical education and begin her career.  Read the story of the "Prodigal Son" to gain some insight into Charlene's life in Luke 15:11-32.

For those of you who have read my Blogger profile, you may have noted my love of classical music.  The lifelong enjoyment of this musical genre brought me into contact with Charlene some years ago. We enjoyed time together attending classical music proformances and even shared some holiday events together.  Although we bonded over our love of music, we had some big differences.  One thing that has gnawed at me over the years was the hateful way that she spoke about her mother.  To hear her side of it, her mother was a monster and the extreme distance between them was justified.  While keeping an open mind and trying to comfort Charlene in her distress, I wondered if she could not find a way to live more peacefully with her mother and have alittle respect for the woman who brought her into the world.  I also wondered what the other side of this story was.

My opportunity to hear the other side of this story occurred rather suddenly with an invitation to go down to Texas for a week on one of Charlene's regular family visits.  I knew just what I was in for because I have been praying about this situation for a long time.  In my prayers I asked God to help bring healing to this situation.  Even when there are problems in a family, very seldom is it necessary to detach so utterly as Charlene has done.  The Bible cautions us to "honor your father and mother, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."  It means that we may not agree with everything they say or do but that we are to treat them in a dignified and respectful manner.  Not following God's directive takes us down a negative path in our own live.  This was plain to see in Charlene's life.

Charlene already in her sixties continually goes over a laundry list of complaints that she has against her mother.  Always concluding that this justified cutting her mother out of her life.  So you see the distance that Charlene placed between her and her mother did not succeed in bringing closure to the things that had happened in her life.  No, in fact she lived in a virtual post-traumatic stress disordered holding pattern. Running away, never solves our problems.  We take those problems wherever we go and reenact them.  So it was that Charlene brought her crazy life and problems to Westchester County, New York, as if we don't have enough problems!

One of my goals in visiting Charlene's childhood home was to see if I could get her to attend church with myself and her mother.  My thinking was humanity fails constantly in family life but God does not.  Hearing God's holy Word on a Sunday can plant some thoughts and direction toward family healing even in the most dire family situations.  The trip started off badly as Charlene told me she
would pick me at 3:45A.M. for our ride to the airport and she didn't arrive until 45 minutes later.  Did
you catch that, she told me to be ready in the middle of the night and had the nerve to keep me waiting!

There are many chapters in the book of getting to know someone and when I arrived in Texas, I knew that it was here that the plot of this book thickened.  Charlene's brother Mark* picked us up at the airport and suggested we have some breakfast together before he drove us to visit their mother Martha*.  The conversation immediately turned toward recounting tales of just how bad their mother was.  They bonded over just how much they had suffered and they competed for the honor of just who had suffered the most.  I just couldn't believe how rude they were, cutting each other off constantly in the middle of sentences or simply talking at each other or over each other.  These aren't just any two siblings competing to be the center of attention either.  The two of these people reminded me of the two over-educated, pompous brothers depicted in the 1990's American sitcom,"Frazier."

The award winning television show "Frazier" ran for twelve seasons.  If you are not familiar with it, try to catch an episode or two when you have a chance.  It will give you an inkling of just what I was dealing with down here in Texas.  It is is an intellectual dual to the death between Mark and Charlene all the time.  Their tongues are like sharp swords, with even innocent bystanders like myself getting a few cuts and scrapes.  Proverbs 18:21 states, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue : and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."  That verse so aptly describes the terrible injuries inflicted by these two siblings on one another and others in their life.

I could hardly wait to meet Charlene's mother.  Was she the root of all this or is there another explanation?  Stay tune next week for Part 2.

NEXT WEEK : HONOR YOUR MOTHER? YOU DON'T KNOW MY MOTHER-PART 2
Will Charlene go to Church?  Will they get a car for their 93 year old mother?  Will anyone in Austin be safe If they do? God's lessons on family life.











*The names are changed to keep some privacy.

My Jury Duty

Throughout the world, citizen participation in the justice system can mean different things.  In France, there is the "Cour d'assises" which brings citizens in for input in certain cases.  When the Ukraine declared independence from the former Soviet Union, this meant drawing up a new constitution.  This document declared the right of their citizens to have a trial by jury.  In a different system, the South Africans, have moved away from trials by jury and instead they rely on a judge and two officials called assessors. When I received a letter from the United States government in black bold-faced print saying "JURY SUMMONS" I knew just what that meant as a citizen of the United States.

The United States Government calls its' citizens to make themselves available to join a group of twelve randomly selected individuals to listen to a civil or criminal case, study the evidence and render a verdict of guilt or innocence. Lawyers on both sides of the case will fight vigorously to present their cases, with the judge acting as the impartial coordinator of the trial.  There is also another jury called the "grand jury" which operates slightly differently.  Here we have a group of people looking at evidence to see if the government has a valid reason to bring a person or company to trial.

Jury duty, as it was envisioned by the founders of the United States, was meant to be a system of "checks and balances" on the government.  A sure way to keep the government on their toes. Further, a jury of one's fellow citizens was thought to be the best assurance of a fair trial.  Having served on a  jury once confirmed this to me.  But, when I received my "jury summons" this time, I must confess, I was much less enthusiastic than I had been in the past.  This was not a good time for me.  There was a health issue going on, family drama and responsibilities to attend to.  Still, I felt guilty at these thoughts since I didn't think that was the right attitude to have.  After all, is it ever really a good time to serve on jury duty?  Doesn't serving others or a greater cause always entail sacrifice?

I mailed back my mini questionnaire and then committed myself to pray on this matter.  I was trying
to get myself enthused about a service that I had grown cold to.  The lack of desire for people to serve
on juries has certainly been part of the reason a number of countries have eliminated or are considering eliminating trials by jury.  As I was thinking this all over, there was a number of cases in the United States which had been in the news.  Cases where discussions of the grand jury or the trial jury's decision were called into question.  This has become all to common.  Consider the criticism of the jury verdicts in the cases of O.J. Simpson, Casey Anthony and the various police brutality cases that have come into the U.S. criminal justice system. I asked myself if the concept of a jury was now passé?  What about leaving the guilt or innocence up to experts in the areas of ballistics, forensics or other specialties?  With all the corruption that exists, I even asked myself if justice was possible?

The Bible is very concerned with the topic of justice and as you read it, God's marvelous plan for perfect justice unfolds.  This biblical justice system forms the foundation for much of the legal system of Western Civilization.  God gave his chosen people "the law" early on in His book the Bible.  These early books of the Bible, Leviticus and Deuteronomy, make it clear that God is concerned with our day-to-day activities, our inter-personal relationships and business dealings.  There is a whole book in the Bible named Judges.  In this book, we see that disputes in ancient Israel were mediated by a judge who would sit in a "judgement seat" at the city gates and utilize these laws to establish justice in the community. Passages also show that the twelve tribes of Israel contributed to the life of the community and were consulted on matters of importance, even justice related.  The twelve tribes foreshadow the twelve called by Jesus to be his Apostles possibly accounting for why we see twelve people in a jury box.

As we progress to New Testament discussions of justice, we see that when we can not resolve a
matter ourselves we are to bring in an individual(s) and then the elders of the Church.  We are also
advised to think of the implications of Christians suing one another.  However, due to the existence of
sin, this does not preclude pursuing judicial intervention when it is necessary.  Some verses which
help us explore this are :

Matthew 18:15-17 (best solution) " Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.'  And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.  But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."  Although this is written specifically for Christians, I have found this works well in general.

Acts 15:6   " Now the apostles and elders came together to consider this matter."  This sounds similar to a judge and jury.  It also shows the necessity of having engaged and wise people in authority to settle disputes.

1 Corinthians 6 : 1-3 " Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints?  Do you not know that the saints will judge the world?  And if the world will be judged by you, are you unworthy to judge the smallest matters? Do you not know that we shall judge angels?  How much more, things that pertain to this life?"

Mark 12:17 (God and government) " And Jesus answered and said to them, "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's."

Acts 25:11 " I appeal to Caesar."  The Apostle Paul used the legal process afforded him as a Roman Citizen.

Jesus called us to be "light and salt" in this world (Matthew 5:13-14) .  How can we then ignore
opportunities to sit at our own "city gates" and use all that God has taught us to contribute to the life of our community?  One way to do this is to vote for the candidate which best represents godly principles and the other is to serve with love on a jury.  It is the closest thing that we have to direct democracy. Earthly government or justice is not perfect but don't let that deter you.  Remember one judge can be payed off or on the payroll of criminals but this is not so easy to do with a jury.  We are not perfect, and either are our fellow jurors.  So, what if one person on a jury takes a bribe to sway the decision?  What about a closed-minded individual?  A diverse group of people is much more difficult to control and has the ability to debate the issues and persuade an individual(s) to change their mind.  The system also has an appeal process which can sometimes correct mistakes and in some cases the judge can overturn a verdict.

In the case of my jury duty, I along with many people called to come down to the courthouse that day did not get picked to serve but I learned some hard lessons that day.  Those lessons brought me back to seeing jury duty in the right light.  I observed, every third or fourth person called during the jury selection process, did not wish to serve.  In a true diversity of individuals : black, white, Latino, Indian and Chinese, there was unity in that decision!  I confirmed this opinion when I observed a most convivial gathering of these perspective jurors discussing this topic in the coffee and snack room.  The conviviality ended in a disgusting display of foolishness when we all heard that we were to be dismissed.  The crowd erupted in a thunderous applause that even shocked the seasoned courtroom personnel.  I knew that I was no better than this immature crowd.  I was praying that God would release me from doing this service.  I was ashamed of myself and my peers.  I am resigned to do better if I am called again.