Do you believe that old expression, "It is better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all?" That expression always bothered me since I first heard it in childhood. It seems like such a negative view of the world and it's ability to love. Isn't it saying that this world is short on love, so be happy if you get some little crumb of love? This week I am reflecting on this topic.
Love and loss seems all around us some time. In this season of weddings, I was very saddened to learn that a wedding, which I was planning to attend, was canceled. The invitations had been sent, and I was already thinking what gift to buy for this couple and what I would wear to the event. A short time after that, I received a call from the mother of the bride tearfully telling me that the wedding was off!
I also learned this week that an old friend was moving to California. I was really saddened by this. Clara* was someone that I really connected to. Things had never been the same for Clara since she had gotten divorced from her husband. I know that moving nearer to some family members would make her feel less alone, but I sorely felt my loss. Our relationship would not be the same with her moving three thousand miles away.
This, at the same time that I had been estranged from my friend Frankie* for two months. Frankie stopped talking to me and my husband when he perceived that I did not support him as he struggled through a property-line dispute. I did not say or do what he expected me to do in the situation. As a result, he was done with me!
In the last couple of months I have been experiencing or seeing a lot of failed relationships. Gee, this love thing is not so easy. Should I just feel happy for the good times that I had with Clara and Frankie and accept that things change? Or, happy that the above-mentioned couple called off their wedding before they made a big mistake? Maybe.
But, what I really felt was a sense of loss. I felt the hurt and loss that this couple will feel as the result of their break-up. Each time we love and loose we will grapple with pessimism and trust issues. I felt the hurt and loss of time that I would have spent with Clara: doing crafts, laughing, and crying together. Face -to-face times of refreshment. There are no hugs while greeting her from my phone screen.
As far as my friendship with Frankie was concerned, it was hard not to get depressed over the loss of a close friend like Frankie. And for what? Because I didn't agree with the way he handled a dispute that he had with his neighbor? What more could I have done? I told him that I understood how he felt. I also took a lot of time to go over scripture which could support and help him toward a godly response.
A lot of love and loss occurs because we are unwilling to work on ourselves and work to maintain our relationships. We fail to appreciate the value of friends and family and take them for granted. Then, we miss them when they are gone. God is so patient with us, so we must be patient with others. God loves us with an everlasting love, so that must be our standard too.
Sometimes, like in the case of Frankie, we can not brook constructive criticism. We will break an engagement, ruin a good friendship, or reject a family member because we don't agree with something that is said to us. How foolish we are and how petty. Frequently people are telling us the truth. In my case with Frankie, I could not go along with his way of doing things. I knew it to be ungodly. As much as I loved him, I could not agree with him.
Sometimes, when we grew up in a family that did not know how to handle conflicts within their ranks or in the greater community properly, we struggle with this our whole lives. The result is broken family, friendships and conflict at work and in our neighborhood. It needn't be this way. In fact, a large swath of the Bible is concerned with teaching us new ways of living
.
What are some of these ways of living? Firstly, be self-aware. Far from the stereotype that the media plays of Christians being emotionally shut-down, the Word of God encourages us to "consider our ways." It is essential to reflect on our ways of doing things and think about the wisdom of our actions. Therefore, the Bible encourages us to have self-awareness.and to consider our thoughts and behavior very carefully. 'This is what the Lord God Almighty says," Give careful thought to your ways."-Haggai 1:7
Secondly, accountability is essential. We are to be accountable to God and one another. One of the foundations of a fulfilling relationship is accountability. In a loving relationship we need to be able to hear what others have to say about things and value their contributions to our life and well-being. We must humbly accept that we don't always see things clearly and further, that we don't know everything. "Without counsel purposes are disappointed :But in the multitude of counsellers they are established."-Proverbs 15:22
Finally, realize that people move away or pass away from this world every day. Therefore, treasure the moments that you have with people in your life. Appreciate the gift of friendship that has been given to you by God. Thank God for this gift and show appreciation. This won't heal every relationship or solve all your inter-personal problems, but it's a start!
P.S.- Good news everyone. Frankie and I have worked things out. However, my husband and Frankie have yet to patch things up. Please keep the situation in prayer. Thank you.
* the names have been changed.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
What does your driving say about your relationship with God?
All of our actions tell a tale of who we are and what we believe. So come take a ride with me on the roads of Westchester County,N.Y. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they drive. Charlize* and Jade* attended the same Church and for convenience sake decided to car-pool. They both live in Rockland County across the bridge from their Church in Westchester. However, Charlize got more than she bargained for the first time Jade picked her up. Jade's car was cut off by another car on the highway. This is an experience that we all have, no? Charlize held on to her seat as mild-mannered Jade put her foot on the gas pedal and dodged through traffic in order to "get that driver back." She weaved in and out of traffic until she got in front of that car and then slammed her foot on the breaks, causing that driver to have to hit his brakes also! By this point, Charlize's heart was beating rapidly. "Jade what are you doing?" Charlize yelled. With an air of victory, Jade replies, "haven't you ever heard of a Bronx Brake Job?"
Then there is Jacques*. Jacques volunteered to take an aging group of ladies to a political event here in Westchester County. I thought this was very nice since a few of those ladies would not have been able to attend the event otherwise. One of the ladies is legally blind. On the highway, Jacques is unhappy with other drivers and complains out loud about how slow everyone is driving. Note to self Jacques: it can't always be everyone else, sometimes it is you! He imagines all sorts of things that aren't true, such as that other drivers are out to get him. Pretty soon he is rolling down his window and shouting "f**k y*u" to random people.
Shall I go on? Then there is Olivia*. Olivia is just about the sweetest and kindest person that I know. Until she gets behind the wheel of her car. It is then that she does not have the patience of Job! "Why won't she turn, this is a right-on-red State!" Or, "what's he waiting for, honk, honk!" All day long in Westchester County, I see people crossing double yellow lines or cutting off trucks and school buses because people did not leave enough time to get where they are going. Did you ever notice how when a traffic lane is closed that people usually don't take turns merging into the single lane? People honk when there is the slightest little traffic jam on a residential block, even if it is only 7 o'clock in the morning and your car is a few feet from someone's front door. Honking should be used for safety and not to try to rush a driver ahead of you who is only waiting for an elderly person to safely cross the street or is dealing with a construction zone. Our car radios are our business and need not be foisted upon everyone who is trying to sleep after an overnight work shift or walking past our car on the street. The decibel level of groups of cars honking and loud radio playing is unhealthy.
The way we drive tells a lot about where we are emotionally and spiritually. It tells us what we think and feel about others and must be addressed. The fruit of a godly life is seen in a person's character. When Jade takes dangerous chances putting both her life and Charlize's in danger merely to pay back another person on the highway, she shows us how fruitless the cycle of revenge is. Attending church and ministry events will not change our way of doing things until we are willing to address the false philosophy's that we are playing out. Jade is a perfect example of this because she faithfully attended every women's ministry event at Church and reads her bible everyday.
Jacques was always ready to lend a helping hand to those in need or to volunteer in his community. But, he drives too fast and does not understand how to give and take on the road. He struggles with feelings of paranoia and anger as he drives. He has dismissed his wife's complaints over the years. He even dismissed the comments of Mrs.A****** as he drove her to that political rally. Even a blind woman tried to help Jacques but he himself seemed blind to his true self.
Crossing double lines, trying to unfairly pull ahead of others are behaviors that all break either societal or moral laws. We may not even realize it but these infractions add up to create quality of life issues for all of us. Would you think twice about speeding if I told you that many parents in my community have stopped letting their children walk to school because of fear of speeding drivers? Many people commuting to work have nothing on their mind except getting to their job on time. Nothing or no body else matters. May I suggest getting up an hour earlier? Must we wonder why children are the fastest growing segment of the population struggling with obesity? Many parents are afraid to let their children play outside, so much so, that these children end up living sedentary lifestyles.
Take a few minutes and think about what your driving indicates about you. It may be time to reframe the way you think about some things. We must play fairly on the road of life. We have to share the road with other drivers. Loving our neighbor includes those on the road. Let's aim to be the kind of person that the Apostle Paul describes in his letter to the Galatian people:
*the names are changed.
Then there is Jacques*. Jacques volunteered to take an aging group of ladies to a political event here in Westchester County. I thought this was very nice since a few of those ladies would not have been able to attend the event otherwise. One of the ladies is legally blind. On the highway, Jacques is unhappy with other drivers and complains out loud about how slow everyone is driving. Note to self Jacques: it can't always be everyone else, sometimes it is you! He imagines all sorts of things that aren't true, such as that other drivers are out to get him. Pretty soon he is rolling down his window and shouting "f**k y*u" to random people.
Shall I go on? Then there is Olivia*. Olivia is just about the sweetest and kindest person that I know. Until she gets behind the wheel of her car. It is then that she does not have the patience of Job! "Why won't she turn, this is a right-on-red State!" Or, "what's he waiting for, honk, honk!" All day long in Westchester County, I see people crossing double yellow lines or cutting off trucks and school buses because people did not leave enough time to get where they are going. Did you ever notice how when a traffic lane is closed that people usually don't take turns merging into the single lane? People honk when there is the slightest little traffic jam on a residential block, even if it is only 7 o'clock in the morning and your car is a few feet from someone's front door. Honking should be used for safety and not to try to rush a driver ahead of you who is only waiting for an elderly person to safely cross the street or is dealing with a construction zone. Our car radios are our business and need not be foisted upon everyone who is trying to sleep after an overnight work shift or walking past our car on the street. The decibel level of groups of cars honking and loud radio playing is unhealthy.
The way we drive tells a lot about where we are emotionally and spiritually. It tells us what we think and feel about others and must be addressed. The fruit of a godly life is seen in a person's character. When Jade takes dangerous chances putting both her life and Charlize's in danger merely to pay back another person on the highway, she shows us how fruitless the cycle of revenge is. Attending church and ministry events will not change our way of doing things until we are willing to address the false philosophy's that we are playing out. Jade is a perfect example of this because she faithfully attended every women's ministry event at Church and reads her bible everyday.
Jacques was always ready to lend a helping hand to those in need or to volunteer in his community. But, he drives too fast and does not understand how to give and take on the road. He struggles with feelings of paranoia and anger as he drives. He has dismissed his wife's complaints over the years. He even dismissed the comments of Mrs.A****** as he drove her to that political rally. Even a blind woman tried to help Jacques but he himself seemed blind to his true self.
Crossing double lines, trying to unfairly pull ahead of others are behaviors that all break either societal or moral laws. We may not even realize it but these infractions add up to create quality of life issues for all of us. Would you think twice about speeding if I told you that many parents in my community have stopped letting their children walk to school because of fear of speeding drivers? Many people commuting to work have nothing on their mind except getting to their job on time. Nothing or no body else matters. May I suggest getting up an hour earlier? Must we wonder why children are the fastest growing segment of the population struggling with obesity? Many parents are afraid to let their children play outside, so much so, that these children end up living sedentary lifestyles.
Take a few minutes and think about what your driving indicates about you. It may be time to reframe the way you think about some things. We must play fairly on the road of life. We have to share the road with other drivers. Loving our neighbor includes those on the road. Let's aim to be the kind of person that the Apostle Paul describes in his letter to the Galatian people:
Galatians 5:22-23King James Version (KJV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
*the names are changed.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Jailed & Unlovable
Who are the most unlovable people in society? My first inclination would be to say anyone incarcerated. Yes, the men and women who are in prison struggle to find acceptance in their families and in their communities.
For the people who are guilty, they are in prison because they have breeched societal and moral laws. The crimes run the gamut from smaller to larger. A person can have a traffic violation, be in for domestic abuse, drug charges all the way up to serial murder. Then there are the sexual crimes of rape and pedophilia. Nowadays, there also seems to be many cases of terrorism too.
How can we handle it when a family member or a friend is incarcerated? How does the man or woman in prison handle all of it? And, what is our approach if we are Christians? These are complex and challenging questions.
When someone you love is incarcerated there is a whole panoply of emotions released such as: anger, shame, and grief. There can be a sense of justice or even relief since families often know what their loved ones have been doing. Sometimes, the separation is welcomed when there has been ongoing abuse or criminality. There can even be guilt because, although we love someone, we are also glad they are not in the home anymore or we know that they deserve the punishment.
What of the person in prison? They too go through a vast array of similar emotions. They are embarrassed and ashamed. Many of them are deeply depressed. Some prisoners know they have done wrong and earnestly repent for what they have done. Some accept responsibility for what they have done and understand that they need to pay their "debt to society." Others, do not.
Often, incarceration represents the end result of a lifetime of dysfunction. Criminals just don't happen. They have to be taught to steal or beat their wives and then practice the behavior. Many people in prison have or will be diagnosed with a psychological ailment. Frequently, the family was in denial about the mental disorder all along or even negligent in the care of such a person. Do they also bear responsibility?
In the case of Harry*, he had a father who beat him and his mother. He ended up in prison for the same offense. Long-held family notions of female ownership and anger issues have been a recipe for family dysfunction for generations. Families are enablers when they allow bad things to go on and make excuses. When Harry got arrested and convicted for beating his wife, his children disowned him. Harry was heart-broken. He was lonely and wanted to receive telephone calls, letters and visits. His children wanted to forget about Harry. They hated him. They wanted to pay him back for all the wrong that he had done to them in their childhoods. Yet, will this bring them happiness? The answer is no.
Then there is the story of Darlene.* I reached out to help a disabled and traumatized girl at a church about seven years ago. Her name was Keisha.* Keisha was originally from Oakland, California but was residing in Westchester County, N.Y. while she attended NYU (New York University). She had been given a scholarship based on economic and social needs. She had a drive and motivation to get as far away from her mother, Darlene, and her dysfunctional family as was possible. She wrote a compelling essay to NYU with her college application describing the horrific circumstances of her life. Those circumstances included having a mother in jail for Grand Theft.
Darlene had taken advantage of not just a boss, but a college buddy who gave her a job when she was in need. She used her position as an accountant to steal $30,000 from her friend and employer. A man who gave her children Christmas gifts when they had none. A man who was loved by Darlene's children, especially Keisha, like family. If that wasn't bad enough, Darlene stole her daughter's identity and ruined her credit. Keisha had succeeded in gettting 3,000 miles away from her mother when she got accepted to NYU. She thought she had finally escaped from her mother, but had she?
Biblical wisdom and a relationship with God can give us insight into what we are feeling and lead us toward healing and regeneration. Do you remember the story of Judas Iscariot? He was one of the very closest associates of Jesus Christ. It is heart-breaking to think that one so close to Jesus would actually choose to betray him. Isn't it equally heart-breaking to think of how Harry and Darlene had chosen to betray those so close to them? The story of Judas Iscariot gives us much insight into the feelings we have as human beings when we feel betrayed. 'But Jesus said to him,"Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"-Luke 22:48. Through much prayer and supplication we can begin to develop an approach for dealing with the prisoners in our midst.
Just as Jesus advised his followers to not take revenge on those who betrayed Him, we are wise not to try to get back at people who have hurt us by hurting them back. Sometimes we wish to get our spouses or parents back for betraying us. But, we choose not to do that. This would only begin a process that will bring long-term bad results in our lives. "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword"-Mathew 26:52. Also in the Gospel of Matthew we read in Chapter 5:39 that if someone slaps us on one cheek we are to offer the other cheek. This is an often misunderstood verse, which really intends to show us the futility of the power struggle of revenge and violence.
In the above story, both Harry's children and Keisha had a partial motivation of paying back their loved ones by withholding mercy and love. But, they also mistrusted and feared their parent. Writing or visiting a family member does not mean you condone what they have done. It also does not mean ignoring the problems. In fact, it is critically essential to deal with the true facts of your family history and dynamics. You need to tell your incarcerated family member just how you feel. Are you physically, and emotionally safe in this relationship? If the answer is no, you need to stay away from that situation. But, it does not mean that you should not come to forgiveness and acceptance of the situation that you are in.
Processing the complex emotions that you have ensures that you will truly escape the family problems that may reach into your life. For example, Keisha managed to get far away from her mother. She did not want to talk or think about her mother. She was sure that she would never make any of the mistakes that her mother Darlene had made. But, the roots of family dysfunction reach deep into our life and we must work hard to weed them out. We might not realize that what we saw occurring in our childhood homes becomes our default setting of behavior. Keisha ended up taking advantage of a nice Christian guy that she dated. She used him financially. This left him feeling betrayed. She skipped out on rent with a roommate. She ended up using my address and claiming I was her mother. I received letters and telephone calls for years from billing agencies and car companies looking for payments from Keisha.
God tells us to forgive, so, that we can be forgiven for the things that we have done. Keisha needs to both forgive her mother and receive forgiveness from those she has hurt, including God. This is the human condition. We are sinners just as much as the imprisoned men and women that we may know. Hebrews 13:3 tells us "remember the prisoners." This verse encourages us to have mercy even for those people who have hurt us and others in a most egregious way. If we as Christians do not try to teach them about God, thereby ensuring their growth and change, who will?
There is hope that someone in prison can repent and change the whole direction of their life. That hope is in God Almighty. "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Write a letter to an incarcerated relative, tell them how you feel. Ask them why they did what they did and if they are sorry for it. Tell them about Jesus. Include this passage from 1 John 1:9 which says,"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
*names have been changed.
For the people who are guilty, they are in prison because they have breeched societal and moral laws. The crimes run the gamut from smaller to larger. A person can have a traffic violation, be in for domestic abuse, drug charges all the way up to serial murder. Then there are the sexual crimes of rape and pedophilia. Nowadays, there also seems to be many cases of terrorism too.
How can we handle it when a family member or a friend is incarcerated? How does the man or woman in prison handle all of it? And, what is our approach if we are Christians? These are complex and challenging questions.
When someone you love is incarcerated there is a whole panoply of emotions released such as: anger, shame, and grief. There can be a sense of justice or even relief since families often know what their loved ones have been doing. Sometimes, the separation is welcomed when there has been ongoing abuse or criminality. There can even be guilt because, although we love someone, we are also glad they are not in the home anymore or we know that they deserve the punishment.
What of the person in prison? They too go through a vast array of similar emotions. They are embarrassed and ashamed. Many of them are deeply depressed. Some prisoners know they have done wrong and earnestly repent for what they have done. Some accept responsibility for what they have done and understand that they need to pay their "debt to society." Others, do not.
Often, incarceration represents the end result of a lifetime of dysfunction. Criminals just don't happen. They have to be taught to steal or beat their wives and then practice the behavior. Many people in prison have or will be diagnosed with a psychological ailment. Frequently, the family was in denial about the mental disorder all along or even negligent in the care of such a person. Do they also bear responsibility?
In the case of Harry*, he had a father who beat him and his mother. He ended up in prison for the same offense. Long-held family notions of female ownership and anger issues have been a recipe for family dysfunction for generations. Families are enablers when they allow bad things to go on and make excuses. When Harry got arrested and convicted for beating his wife, his children disowned him. Harry was heart-broken. He was lonely and wanted to receive telephone calls, letters and visits. His children wanted to forget about Harry. They hated him. They wanted to pay him back for all the wrong that he had done to them in their childhoods. Yet, will this bring them happiness? The answer is no.
Then there is the story of Darlene.* I reached out to help a disabled and traumatized girl at a church about seven years ago. Her name was Keisha.* Keisha was originally from Oakland, California but was residing in Westchester County, N.Y. while she attended NYU (New York University). She had been given a scholarship based on economic and social needs. She had a drive and motivation to get as far away from her mother, Darlene, and her dysfunctional family as was possible. She wrote a compelling essay to NYU with her college application describing the horrific circumstances of her life. Those circumstances included having a mother in jail for Grand Theft.
Darlene had taken advantage of not just a boss, but a college buddy who gave her a job when she was in need. She used her position as an accountant to steal $30,000 from her friend and employer. A man who gave her children Christmas gifts when they had none. A man who was loved by Darlene's children, especially Keisha, like family. If that wasn't bad enough, Darlene stole her daughter's identity and ruined her credit. Keisha had succeeded in gettting 3,000 miles away from her mother when she got accepted to NYU. She thought she had finally escaped from her mother, but had she?
Biblical wisdom and a relationship with God can give us insight into what we are feeling and lead us toward healing and regeneration. Do you remember the story of Judas Iscariot? He was one of the very closest associates of Jesus Christ. It is heart-breaking to think that one so close to Jesus would actually choose to betray him. Isn't it equally heart-breaking to think of how Harry and Darlene had chosen to betray those so close to them? The story of Judas Iscariot gives us much insight into the feelings we have as human beings when we feel betrayed. 'But Jesus said to him,"Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"-Luke 22:48. Through much prayer and supplication we can begin to develop an approach for dealing with the prisoners in our midst.
Just as Jesus advised his followers to not take revenge on those who betrayed Him, we are wise not to try to get back at people who have hurt us by hurting them back. Sometimes we wish to get our spouses or parents back for betraying us. But, we choose not to do that. This would only begin a process that will bring long-term bad results in our lives. "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword"-Mathew 26:52. Also in the Gospel of Matthew we read in Chapter 5:39 that if someone slaps us on one cheek we are to offer the other cheek. This is an often misunderstood verse, which really intends to show us the futility of the power struggle of revenge and violence.
In the above story, both Harry's children and Keisha had a partial motivation of paying back their loved ones by withholding mercy and love. But, they also mistrusted and feared their parent. Writing or visiting a family member does not mean you condone what they have done. It also does not mean ignoring the problems. In fact, it is critically essential to deal with the true facts of your family history and dynamics. You need to tell your incarcerated family member just how you feel. Are you physically, and emotionally safe in this relationship? If the answer is no, you need to stay away from that situation. But, it does not mean that you should not come to forgiveness and acceptance of the situation that you are in.
Processing the complex emotions that you have ensures that you will truly escape the family problems that may reach into your life. For example, Keisha managed to get far away from her mother. She did not want to talk or think about her mother. She was sure that she would never make any of the mistakes that her mother Darlene had made. But, the roots of family dysfunction reach deep into our life and we must work hard to weed them out. We might not realize that what we saw occurring in our childhood homes becomes our default setting of behavior. Keisha ended up taking advantage of a nice Christian guy that she dated. She used him financially. This left him feeling betrayed. She skipped out on rent with a roommate. She ended up using my address and claiming I was her mother. I received letters and telephone calls for years from billing agencies and car companies looking for payments from Keisha.
God tells us to forgive, so, that we can be forgiven for the things that we have done. Keisha needs to both forgive her mother and receive forgiveness from those she has hurt, including God. This is the human condition. We are sinners just as much as the imprisoned men and women that we may know. Hebrews 13:3 tells us "remember the prisoners." This verse encourages us to have mercy even for those people who have hurt us and others in a most egregious way. If we as Christians do not try to teach them about God, thereby ensuring their growth and change, who will?
There is hope that someone in prison can repent and change the whole direction of their life. That hope is in God Almighty. "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Write a letter to an incarcerated relative, tell them how you feel. Ask them why they did what they did and if they are sorry for it. Tell them about Jesus. Include this passage from 1 John 1:9 which says,"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
*names have been changed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)