"Once a cheater, always a cheater." "A leopard never changes its' spots." I don't believe any of those sayings. I don't think that you can neatly tie up the package of cheating and sum up a person's life like that. The damage that cheating does to a spouse, a family, and society is enormous. So, out of the pain that people experience over a cheating spouse, they can draw conclusions that are not always valid. They believe "all men are dogs." They think they can not trust anyone again.
But, is it fair to blame all men for what one person has done to you? And what of your part in in? What makes a person cheat? Does everyone cheat? Take the case of Emily.* She is only 25 years old but the other day she told her mother that she doesn't know if she can ever trust a man again. Emily just broke off her engagement to Bradley* after a friend exposed his cheating heart. When she confronted Bradley, he did not deny it. She was devastated. She should be on her honeymoon right now, but instead she is busy cleaning up all the messy details that occur when a couple breaks up. Believe me she is not the only one who ever picked up the broken pieces of their life after Bradley got through with them. There is also his baby mamma Stephanie*and his five year old son Connor.*
(He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself-Proverbs 6:32)
"Isn't Bradley's evil?" "Is Bradley just a bum?" Those are some of the things that Emily's mother asked me the other day. Emily's mother also wondered "whether everyone cheats?" I was shocked. Hadn't she reflected on her daughter's dating history and seen a pattern? Emily seems to have had one disaster after another with men. It just doesn't seem like an accident. Her first boyfriend was Romeo.* He was handsome and from a wealthy family in Connecticut. Romeo and Emily brought new meaning to the word shallow. In the end, instead of breaking off with Romeo first, and then dating someone else, there seemed to be a little overlap with her dating Eric. She had all sorts of justifications for why she dumped Romeo in a less than kind way, but the fact remains, she cheated on him. Romeo was devastated that she cheated on him. He trolled her on social media with abusive memes like you wouldn't believe! Eric ended up to be another useless boyfriend. What do you expect from a guy who takes up with another guys' girl so easily?
(Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known-Proverbs 10:9)
Emily's parents were Christians. They loved the Lord, but failed to see the challenge that Emily's secular high school was for her. They "were in the world and not of it," and thought that their children would simply follow suit. But, the world was winning over Emily's heart and mind. The insensitive hookup culture of ********* High seemed normal to Emily. That is what she saw, day in and day out. Guys didn't ask girls out on dates anymore, they were more likely to just try and make-out in an empty hallway or in someone's unsupervised home. Many of these teenagers' parents were movers and shakers in Manhattan law firms or New York area hospitals.
These parents grew up in the permissive parenting, free-love, and drug culture of the 1960's and 70's. Some of them, like Emily's parent, had found the Lord but many had not. New York has never recovered from the seismic cultural upsets of that period and went to atheism in one or two generations. The prevailing culture of New York sucks you in like a black hole. It is a lot like ancient Corinth (Romans 1:22-32). Some people wonder if New York is the Babylon referred to in the Book of Revelation! (Rev 18:1-8) New York is a great place to get a job but imagine being a Christian parent in such an environment! Many Christians are turning to home-schooling in a quest to successsfully raise God-honoring children. I think that is a great idea and I have seen good results.
Cheating is a mind-set. First and foremost, it is a de-valuing of your partner. It is a failure to treat them with the dignity that they deserve. Sometimes that comes from seeing your parents treat each other in de-valuing ways. Other times, it comes from a narcissistic attitude. The type of attitude that puts our feelings and needs above everyone else's. Some people overcome their cheating ways after taking a church marriage class. Learning better relationship skills and coping mechanisms can make all the difference in your present relationship. Why not give it a try?
The cheating mind-set always existed of course. You can see cheating exposed for what it is, in excruciating detail, in the story of David and Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 11:1-27) In our day and age, people sometimes take sexuality lightly, without the constraints of God's law to direct them. Such was the case with Bradley. Bradley got caught cheating just one month before his wedding because he was bragging about cheating all over town. Is cheating sometimes an inability of people to be intimate? Yes, it is. Some of you reading this may wonder what real intimacy is. Perhaps you have never felt it in your family or with your partner. Real intimacy is not gauged by your family get-together on the Fourth of July or Christmas. These events are often superficial contrivances.
(I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth-Genesis 9:13)
What about sex? How does that play in? Bradley thought sex was real intimacy. Many people do. No, real intimacy means patience and committment through both the good times and the bad. It is measured in communication, and service to one another. It takes time to develop. We need to make having quality time with one another a priority. I don't mean a "how are you?" every Sunday or Thanksgiving. Intimacy grows when you take the time to learn about some one's hopes and dreams and you share your life with one another.
When you hold a hand to comfort in times of trouble or pray with someone, intimacy grows. What role does sex play in marital intimacy? Many people are just seeking the pleasure of the sexual moment and the excitement of each new conquest. This will never fully satisfy and will eventually leave a person empty and depressed. The gift of real sexual intimacy grows from time spent working on your marital relationship. It reflects the commitment that you make and what you put into your relationship. So, if you are not happy in your marital sex life, look at where you need to improve as a spouse. (Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous-Hebrews 13:4) Sometimes our family and friends have not been good role-models for fidelity but, we can look to God Almighty and get the perfect picture of faithfulness. In Deuteronomy 31:8 we see this. "And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."
*Names changed
********Names of schools not mentioned.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
What To Wear On Your Trip
My husband has just gone off to an early morning business meeting. I am eating my breakfast here at the Victoria Park Plaza Hotel in London and thinking about my day. While in London, I planned to take two craft classes at Tea and Crafting to improve my knitting and to learn British technique for "rag rugging." My knitting class was held in the Camden Market area of town. Today, I will do my rag rugging class in the Covent Garden section of town.
I packed my beaded boho Free People peasant top and downtown style pants to tour the Camden Market area and planned a more sophisticated styling for my morning in Covent Garden. Packing for any trip entails planning for the specific details of that trip. For example, is this a beach vacation, a sporty adventure, or am I planning a business trip? Could the weather be rainy or chilly? I consider myself a good and practical packer. I try to pack only what I or my family might need. I start with the weather report and the purpose of the trip. Next, I write out a pack list. I am usually packed a few weeks before a planned trip.
What seems natural to me, does not necessarily come easy for someone else. Take for instance my friend Lena.* Lena will be going to the Czech Republic in a week or so. Lena struggles with packing. So much so, that she usually doesn't sleep the night before any trip because she is still doing laundry and packing. She shops, she packs, she unpacks, and then packs again. What shoes or handbags will she bring? She keeps changing her mind. She packs way too much in the hope that she can pack for every eventuality. This is all very disruptive to her life in the weeks before any trip as she tries to coordinate this with her demanding job as an architect in Westchester County, N.Y. In this case, Lena even realizes that she has failed to prepare for her business meetings in a way that she would have liked to.
In the hopes of changing her habits she called me several weeks ago and asked me if I would come over and give her some guidance in this process. I was happy to be of some assistance. As a Christian, my concept of packing is closely related to the understanding that God has made us in His image and likeness. Because of that, we are by our creation, imbued with inherent dignity for who we are and not because of our clothing or any outward attribute. This understanding is a foundation to me in a world so quick to judge us based on how we look.
Part of Lena's problem stems from her concern that she must have a perfect appearance. She places a huge value on her personal appearance and she is convinced that others do as well. One of the biggest impediments to personal growth is the mistaken notion that everyone feels the way we do about everything. For example, a person who cheats on their school exam will often tell you, "everyone does it." This statement is simply not true!
Lena was somewhat curious why I did not stress out over packing for my trip and downright amazed that I had not just packed for myself, but for my husband too. She thought everyone stressed out about such things! The day we arranged our get-together, Lena prepared a delicious lunch for me, consisting of a large salad, butternut squash and a spinach quiche. After lunch, I was anxious to sit down and talk to her about her upcoming trip. I know that she was planning to travel with her co-worker Elizabeth.* Lena had a history of barely making flights and annoying both friends and family in the process.
Her two and a half week trip to Eastern Europe would mostly consist of intense business meetings starting early and ending late, dinners, a concert and some sight-seeing. My rule of thumb is if I am traveling for a month, I will need two weeks worth of clothing. Traveling two weeks usually just a weeks worth of clothing will do. I pack a little laundry soap and do one wash load, and I am set. I told her to decide on a color scheme and to accessorize with scarves and belts. One business shoe, one athletic shoe and an evening shoe. Pack slipper socks to lounge around in. That takes up no space.
A golden rule for travel is choosing things which can serve multiple purposes. For example, I have a purse which is appropriate as a day bag but when evening comes simply take off the shoulder strap and it transforms into an evening clutch. I also brought my reversible canvas Valentino tote. One side is simple canvas and the other is canvas with pink lace adornment. This is a great casual bag for sightseeing, and shopping but yet it has a little more sophistication in its' styling. My color scheme was gray, off-white and blue. I add a necklace and a cloisonné bracelet which matches every outfit. Everything that I bring can be mixed and matched so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same outfit all the time. A few multi-colored tank tops, in the above color scheme, and we are set.
When Lena begins to try on her clothing and we begin to go through her collection of handbags, we quickly find all the right items that she needs to pack for her trip. The attire looked lovely on her and was appropriate for the trip that she was planning. Lena has great taste in clothing. We create a pile of clothing to pack in no time! However, as we dig into the job of packing, I sense we hit a sensitive spot in Lena's life. She is an intelligent and well-accomplished woman. Why does she need me to help her make some simple clothing decisions? Beneath Lena's slick veneer lies a woman unsure of her own worth. Is she skinny enough? Is she pretty enough?
Many women struggle their whole life with feelings of low-esteem. They can never hear a compliment. Sometimes, like Lena, they drive everyone around them crazy because they have failed to come to terms with a core issue of their existence, which is, who are we and where does our worth come from? The Bible has a lot of guidance about what's really important. Here are a few verses of wisdom to help us along.
1 Peter 3:3-4 : Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of the inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Samuel 16:7 : But the Lord said to Samuel,"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
These two verses point out that who we are is much more important than what we look like. There is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking good, but let's make sure to put that into perspective. God places a higher value on the development of our character than anything else. Others around us may judge us by the wrong standards but we can rise above that and understand what really matters, and that is, your heart. God bless you.
I packed my beaded boho Free People peasant top and downtown style pants to tour the Camden Market area and planned a more sophisticated styling for my morning in Covent Garden. Packing for any trip entails planning for the specific details of that trip. For example, is this a beach vacation, a sporty adventure, or am I planning a business trip? Could the weather be rainy or chilly? I consider myself a good and practical packer. I try to pack only what I or my family might need. I start with the weather report and the purpose of the trip. Next, I write out a pack list. I am usually packed a few weeks before a planned trip.
What seems natural to me, does not necessarily come easy for someone else. Take for instance my friend Lena.* Lena will be going to the Czech Republic in a week or so. Lena struggles with packing. So much so, that she usually doesn't sleep the night before any trip because she is still doing laundry and packing. She shops, she packs, she unpacks, and then packs again. What shoes or handbags will she bring? She keeps changing her mind. She packs way too much in the hope that she can pack for every eventuality. This is all very disruptive to her life in the weeks before any trip as she tries to coordinate this with her demanding job as an architect in Westchester County, N.Y. In this case, Lena even realizes that she has failed to prepare for her business meetings in a way that she would have liked to.
In the hopes of changing her habits she called me several weeks ago and asked me if I would come over and give her some guidance in this process. I was happy to be of some assistance. As a Christian, my concept of packing is closely related to the understanding that God has made us in His image and likeness. Because of that, we are by our creation, imbued with inherent dignity for who we are and not because of our clothing or any outward attribute. This understanding is a foundation to me in a world so quick to judge us based on how we look.
Part of Lena's problem stems from her concern that she must have a perfect appearance. She places a huge value on her personal appearance and she is convinced that others do as well. One of the biggest impediments to personal growth is the mistaken notion that everyone feels the way we do about everything. For example, a person who cheats on their school exam will often tell you, "everyone does it." This statement is simply not true!
Lena was somewhat curious why I did not stress out over packing for my trip and downright amazed that I had not just packed for myself, but for my husband too. She thought everyone stressed out about such things! The day we arranged our get-together, Lena prepared a delicious lunch for me, consisting of a large salad, butternut squash and a spinach quiche. After lunch, I was anxious to sit down and talk to her about her upcoming trip. I know that she was planning to travel with her co-worker Elizabeth.* Lena had a history of barely making flights and annoying both friends and family in the process.
Her two and a half week trip to Eastern Europe would mostly consist of intense business meetings starting early and ending late, dinners, a concert and some sight-seeing. My rule of thumb is if I am traveling for a month, I will need two weeks worth of clothing. Traveling two weeks usually just a weeks worth of clothing will do. I pack a little laundry soap and do one wash load, and I am set. I told her to decide on a color scheme and to accessorize with scarves and belts. One business shoe, one athletic shoe and an evening shoe. Pack slipper socks to lounge around in. That takes up no space.
A golden rule for travel is choosing things which can serve multiple purposes. For example, I have a purse which is appropriate as a day bag but when evening comes simply take off the shoulder strap and it transforms into an evening clutch. I also brought my reversible canvas Valentino tote. One side is simple canvas and the other is canvas with pink lace adornment. This is a great casual bag for sightseeing, and shopping but yet it has a little more sophistication in its' styling. My color scheme was gray, off-white and blue. I add a necklace and a cloisonné bracelet which matches every outfit. Everything that I bring can be mixed and matched so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same outfit all the time. A few multi-colored tank tops, in the above color scheme, and we are set.
When Lena begins to try on her clothing and we begin to go through her collection of handbags, we quickly find all the right items that she needs to pack for her trip. The attire looked lovely on her and was appropriate for the trip that she was planning. Lena has great taste in clothing. We create a pile of clothing to pack in no time! However, as we dig into the job of packing, I sense we hit a sensitive spot in Lena's life. She is an intelligent and well-accomplished woman. Why does she need me to help her make some simple clothing decisions? Beneath Lena's slick veneer lies a woman unsure of her own worth. Is she skinny enough? Is she pretty enough?
Many women struggle their whole life with feelings of low-esteem. They can never hear a compliment. Sometimes, like Lena, they drive everyone around them crazy because they have failed to come to terms with a core issue of their existence, which is, who are we and where does our worth come from? The Bible has a lot of guidance about what's really important. Here are a few verses of wisdom to help us along.
1 Peter 3:3-4 : Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of the inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Samuel 16:7 : But the Lord said to Samuel,"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
These two verses point out that who we are is much more important than what we look like. There is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking good, but let's make sure to put that into perspective. God places a higher value on the development of our character than anything else. Others around us may judge us by the wrong standards but we can rise above that and understand what really matters, and that is, your heart. God bless you.
*names are changed.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
In Love Remotely?
I have been watching a friend throw herself at a man, and it is hard to watch. All sorts of things are going through my mind about it. The first thing was a funny and sad book that was written in 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called, He's Just Not That Into You. This book highlights many letters written by women to Greg asking him for advice about their love life. He inevitably answers all the inquiries with the phrase he's just not that into you and then explains why.
My regular readers will be familiar with the name Shannon* whom I highlighted last year in my blog post, Love Gone Wrong. This is one of my top ten most popular blog posts. If you have not read it already go to this March 2016 post to give yourself some background on this story. Here is an update on Shannon. Shannon has now been divorced almost a year. She is hardly the person I used to know. Divorce changes a person.
This whole thing has broken her in many ways. The truth is she was never as strong as she pretended to be. None of us are. Divorce is like climbing Mount Everest. It is a challenge, you know it's going to be a challenge. You know that all your resources: physical, emotional and spiritual will be tested. Many people that I know think divorce will bring them the happiness that has alluded them. People have all sorts of pre-conceptions about what divorce will be like. But, then you face the mountain, and it's a monster!
Shannon's husband hooked up with a younger woman and if that isn't bad enough, he has continued to squeeze her financially in any way that he is able. He just never lets up in his quest to stealthily steal anything that he can from Shannon, even after their divorce. This includes wheeler-dealer tactics as they sold their former marital abode. She won't tell me exactly what happened, because she doesn't want to even think about it. She doesn't want to think about a lot of things. She did let me know that he managed to keep the majority of the profit from the sale of that house. I think she is embarrassed that she just can't handle this fight anymore. She has always seen herself as a scrappy Irish fighter, but all the fight seems to have gone out of her. She is struggling to understand who she really is in light of this divorce.
If only she could see some of these events in the light of God's love and comfort. If only she could understand the Christian lifestyle, including marriage advice. This would help her to understand what she has done to contribute to her divorce and how turning to God at this time in her life could assure a different outcome the next time. She so wants a new man in her life, but what sort of a man will Shannon get? What are the possibilities?
The people we choose as mates most often represent our level of maturity and wisdom. They also seem to show patterns that were ingrained in us as children. Without God's assistance in our dating life we can easily slip into unhealthy and dissatisfying relationships. Shannon's parents were divorced when she was just a toddler, thereby normalizing divorce for her. She has never questioned divorce or its meaning. Her husband had been the divorced father of two small boys when she met him 14 years ago. He get sole custody of those two boys in the divorce. She didn't think much about that or question him about the reason for the divorce. Of course, he blamed it all on his ex-wife. That is always a red-flag for me!
I remember at the time, Shannon was head-over-heels in love with this guy. She asked me what I thought of the situation. At the time, I questioned her about marrying a divorced man. I told her that when my husband carried me over the "threshold", I knew that I was the only one who he had done that with. When we started the grand adventure of marriage, we would both be exploring it together for the first time. I asked her why he got divorced and why he had sole-custody of the children. Her reply was that "this woman was evil" and that "she wanted nothing to do with these children." Shannon could fill in no more details than that. It sounded like she was reading from a scripted version of what really happened. I wondered aloud what his ex-wife might opine.
Those questions were answered for me as I watched in horror when Shannon went through her own divorce with her husband Rocky.* Suddenly, Rocky began depicting her as evil and trumped up allegations against her aimed at winning sole-custody of their one child together. Well now, Shannon is head-over-heels in love with Shaun.* Surprised? He has been married two times and I am not sure that he is divorced from his second wife. Shannon told me that she thinks "he just married the wrong women." She (Shannon) is "nothing like his second wife."
Shannon and Shaun knew each other in high school and through the marvels of the Internet she and he are able to communicate daily via Facebook, FaceTime and instant messaging. He currently resides in the state of Texas and she lives in Westchester County, N.Y. They have been communicating electronically for about a year and a half. They met briefly last fall when he breezed through town on his way to visit his family who reside in the Northeastern United States. Rather than have a cordial and romantic evening, Shaun and Shannon immediately had a disagreement and Shannon asked Shaun to leave. The feelings that get aroused electronically can never equal the in-person expectations that are generated. Shaun and Shannon both take perfect selfies but it does not seem real to me.
The realities of heartbreak and the dissapointments of life can not be effectively alleviated via text messaging. The best it can do is numb us temporarily or give us false courage like an alcoholic beverage might. Just like an alcoholic beverage, sometimes when we wake up from the stupor, we understand it was not reality. Shannon has told me that she loves this man. Shannon does have other possibilities too. She has been asked out to dinner by a number of men locally. But, these men can't seem to hold a candle to this long-distance boyfriend and she ends up ending every encounter after a single date. It seems surreal, almost like one of those prison romances. We have all asked ourselves, what those are all about?
Shaun or a prison pen-pal can not dissapoint by dropping tomato sauce on their tie or eating with their mouth open. You won't have any conflicts about what movie to see or what restaurant to go to. Maybe, Shannon and Shaun don't want to get hurt again as they did in their marriages. No blended family problems, or fighting about money, sounds good right? Wrong. Shaun and Shannon are merely putting a bandaid on their broken lives when in fact it looks like they need a more comprehensive treatment. Beware of things which make you feel good for the moment but fail to satisfy. Pornography, alcohol, and drugs fall into this category, as does excessive shopping. Online romances are frequently a fantasy like video games. You feel all puffed up, as if you just really slayed a dragon or think, this man really loves me.
Shannon texts Shaun when she is bored at work or has a break in her day. She has a distraction to detract from the workplace stress that she needs to find a solution for. He feels desirable again but doesn't have to face his fear of committment issues. The truth is, whenever Shannon tries to get a little closer, he does not text or call her back. He is just not that into her! He avoids her texts if she gets too emotional or if their online musings are getting a little too real for him. She doesn't have to face the character issues that she really needs to work on and neither does he. This is not a good thing. Their character issues have, and will continue to, effect those around them including their children, family and workplaces. God has a better plan for all of us. He wants our character and relationships to point to higher and more eternal principles. Those principles include hope, working through problems, and meaningful relationships with Him and one another.
* the names are changed. Actually, my friend asked me to call her Shannon, if I ever told her story on this blog.
My regular readers will be familiar with the name Shannon* whom I highlighted last year in my blog post, Love Gone Wrong. This is one of my top ten most popular blog posts. If you have not read it already go to this March 2016 post to give yourself some background on this story. Here is an update on Shannon. Shannon has now been divorced almost a year. She is hardly the person I used to know. Divorce changes a person.
This whole thing has broken her in many ways. The truth is she was never as strong as she pretended to be. None of us are. Divorce is like climbing Mount Everest. It is a challenge, you know it's going to be a challenge. You know that all your resources: physical, emotional and spiritual will be tested. Many people that I know think divorce will bring them the happiness that has alluded them. People have all sorts of pre-conceptions about what divorce will be like. But, then you face the mountain, and it's a monster!
Shannon's husband hooked up with a younger woman and if that isn't bad enough, he has continued to squeeze her financially in any way that he is able. He just never lets up in his quest to stealthily steal anything that he can from Shannon, even after their divorce. This includes wheeler-dealer tactics as they sold their former marital abode. She won't tell me exactly what happened, because she doesn't want to even think about it. She doesn't want to think about a lot of things. She did let me know that he managed to keep the majority of the profit from the sale of that house. I think she is embarrassed that she just can't handle this fight anymore. She has always seen herself as a scrappy Irish fighter, but all the fight seems to have gone out of her. She is struggling to understand who she really is in light of this divorce.
If only she could see some of these events in the light of God's love and comfort. If only she could understand the Christian lifestyle, including marriage advice. This would help her to understand what she has done to contribute to her divorce and how turning to God at this time in her life could assure a different outcome the next time. She so wants a new man in her life, but what sort of a man will Shannon get? What are the possibilities?
The people we choose as mates most often represent our level of maturity and wisdom. They also seem to show patterns that were ingrained in us as children. Without God's assistance in our dating life we can easily slip into unhealthy and dissatisfying relationships. Shannon's parents were divorced when she was just a toddler, thereby normalizing divorce for her. She has never questioned divorce or its meaning. Her husband had been the divorced father of two small boys when she met him 14 years ago. He get sole custody of those two boys in the divorce. She didn't think much about that or question him about the reason for the divorce. Of course, he blamed it all on his ex-wife. That is always a red-flag for me!
I remember at the time, Shannon was head-over-heels in love with this guy. She asked me what I thought of the situation. At the time, I questioned her about marrying a divorced man. I told her that when my husband carried me over the "threshold", I knew that I was the only one who he had done that with. When we started the grand adventure of marriage, we would both be exploring it together for the first time. I asked her why he got divorced and why he had sole-custody of the children. Her reply was that "this woman was evil" and that "she wanted nothing to do with these children." Shannon could fill in no more details than that. It sounded like she was reading from a scripted version of what really happened. I wondered aloud what his ex-wife might opine.
Those questions were answered for me as I watched in horror when Shannon went through her own divorce with her husband Rocky.* Suddenly, Rocky began depicting her as evil and trumped up allegations against her aimed at winning sole-custody of their one child together. Well now, Shannon is head-over-heels in love with Shaun.* Surprised? He has been married two times and I am not sure that he is divorced from his second wife. Shannon told me that she thinks "he just married the wrong women." She (Shannon) is "nothing like his second wife."
Shannon and Shaun knew each other in high school and through the marvels of the Internet she and he are able to communicate daily via Facebook, FaceTime and instant messaging. He currently resides in the state of Texas and she lives in Westchester County, N.Y. They have been communicating electronically for about a year and a half. They met briefly last fall when he breezed through town on his way to visit his family who reside in the Northeastern United States. Rather than have a cordial and romantic evening, Shaun and Shannon immediately had a disagreement and Shannon asked Shaun to leave. The feelings that get aroused electronically can never equal the in-person expectations that are generated. Shaun and Shannon both take perfect selfies but it does not seem real to me.
The realities of heartbreak and the dissapointments of life can not be effectively alleviated via text messaging. The best it can do is numb us temporarily or give us false courage like an alcoholic beverage might. Just like an alcoholic beverage, sometimes when we wake up from the stupor, we understand it was not reality. Shannon has told me that she loves this man. Shannon does have other possibilities too. She has been asked out to dinner by a number of men locally. But, these men can't seem to hold a candle to this long-distance boyfriend and she ends up ending every encounter after a single date. It seems surreal, almost like one of those prison romances. We have all asked ourselves, what those are all about?
Shaun or a prison pen-pal can not dissapoint by dropping tomato sauce on their tie or eating with their mouth open. You won't have any conflicts about what movie to see or what restaurant to go to. Maybe, Shannon and Shaun don't want to get hurt again as they did in their marriages. No blended family problems, or fighting about money, sounds good right? Wrong. Shaun and Shannon are merely putting a bandaid on their broken lives when in fact it looks like they need a more comprehensive treatment. Beware of things which make you feel good for the moment but fail to satisfy. Pornography, alcohol, and drugs fall into this category, as does excessive shopping. Online romances are frequently a fantasy like video games. You feel all puffed up, as if you just really slayed a dragon or think, this man really loves me.
Shannon texts Shaun when she is bored at work or has a break in her day. She has a distraction to detract from the workplace stress that she needs to find a solution for. He feels desirable again but doesn't have to face his fear of committment issues. The truth is, whenever Shannon tries to get a little closer, he does not text or call her back. He is just not that into her! He avoids her texts if she gets too emotional or if their online musings are getting a little too real for him. She doesn't have to face the character issues that she really needs to work on and neither does he. This is not a good thing. Their character issues have, and will continue to, effect those around them including their children, family and workplaces. God has a better plan for all of us. He wants our character and relationships to point to higher and more eternal principles. Those principles include hope, working through problems, and meaningful relationships with Him and one another.
* the names are changed. Actually, my friend asked me to call her Shannon, if I ever told her story on this blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)