Anti-Valentine Valentine

 I have a little problem. It appears someone whom I love is thinking about flying to Cuba, marrying a woman he has never met and bringing her back to live in the United States. Why does stuff like this always happen to me? Enrique*and I have developed a really close relationship in the past decade. I sense that this online romance could jeopardize all that. Why? Because, he wants my approval. He wants me to tell him that, “I can’t wait to meet her.” Or,” as long as you are happy, I am happy.” He hasn’t asked my opinion yet but, I know that it is coming to that. 

We live in times where people are unwilling to accept that someone may have a different point of view. I see this in the church, schools, the workplace and at home. The Bible speaks of times when people will, “not tolerate sound doctrine”-2 Timothy 4:3. If ever that time has existed, it is now. People just go off and join a new church if they hear something that they do not want to hear. 

The workplace is an absolute battleground in this war. Reckless people will sue employers because they feel they were treated unfairly. What ever happened to just moving on and finding a new position that you might like better? Not to mention that sometimes we have trouble at work because we are a hothead, or we are taking things the wrong way. Oh no, did I just say that? 

In this cancel culture there are so many punishments exacted for the crimes of saying something someone did not like. You can be thrown off social media, or worse the big brother government will tax you, or litigate you right into the poor house if the social justice warriors don’t ruin you first.

What about consequences in the family for not towing the party line of what you are suppose to say and do? They can be just as serious. I experienced consequences for not “going along to get along.” Back then I really didn’t care as long as I thought that what I was saying or doing was right with God. Oh, the clarity of youth! One area that I definitely got blowback about was my growing faith in God that went beyond our families Sunday church service. 

You see, I did not come from a Christian family. My dad told me that he was an agnostic and we would have religious debates from time to time. My mother took me to church but, then lived the way that she wanted to. On some level she encouraged me to be a Christian. She gave me a children’s bible when I was very young. She fostered my interest in topics of religious note by making sure that I had books and materials on whatever topics that I was interested in. Yet, she herself struggled to reconcile her life with Jesus and his teachings. 

My situation with Enrique reminds me of some childhood experiences, except for one thing. Enrique is or was a committed Christian. That should make a huge difference in the way that we interact. Some fruit of the Holy Spirit should come into play in the way of patience, kindness, and good judgement on both of our sides. Disagreeing per say should not result in cutting each other out of our lives.

Lately, I have questioned just where Enrique is with the Lord because he has not been himself for quite some time. He pulled away from me and stopped telling me what he was thinking or feeling. I sensed he was depressed and falling away from his church but, I couldn’t be sure because he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. 

Now, he has that new romance glow about him, maybe a better word is euphoria. Or, is it grandiosity? I am not sure. He is flying high as a kite on the notion that a woman that he has never met, and who is ten years younger than him is going to be his wife. What makes him think that getting to know someone on social media or even on telephone calls is akin to the old-fashioned testing ground of the date? Think about it. You can learn a lot on a date or even seeing how someone gets along at church or on the job. 

When people get ready for their FaceTime or zoom meeting it is a little theatrical. They are checking on the lighting or what angle could show their best side. Hmm, what is behind me, I don’t want to show the messy part of my room or the hallway where people might be walking by. In other words, it is one big fantasy where we are the stars. I think that is what Enrique is looking for. Is that what Samson was looking for too? 

I saw this when he sent me some pictures of Manuela*. She was always in some sort of sexy pose. She always had a low cut this or a tight that. I noticed she had some sort of beauty app on. When I went to the App Store to read about it, it confirmed my thoughts. The app can erase acne, smooth out wrinkles and create an ambient light environment. It can even slim down our features. 

This past week Enrique did indeed reveal that he was recently depressed until he met Manuela. Now he claims that he is in a positive frame of mind and making good plans for his future. All because he met someone online. I think this is exactly how Samson felt. Or, even part of how Eve felt in the Garden of Eden when she was making some plans for the future with the devil. Then, it all came crashing down.

The situation in Cuba is dire for many people. The use of marriage in order to get to the United States is quite common. Many people use others as a stepping stone to a better life with no concern for the pain and suffering it may cause. There are many reasons why I suspect that this may be the case. As I write this, I struggle to think of what is the best way to handle this. Should I directly confront him or should I mind my own business? After all, he has chosen not to ask my opinion. He probably knows what I am thinking. Maybe he reads my blog?

Sometimes, we are stuck in something and we can’t see the forest for the trees. That is when we should seek godly counsel. But, that is such a buzz kill isn’t it? Sometimes, we just want to go to people who will agree with everything that we say. In the book of proverbs we can identify many verses having to do with seeking godly advise. Here is one of my favorites: Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days. Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand-Proverbs 19:20-21. I think it is helpful to pray, study the Bible and speak to someone who may be seeing things more clearly than we might. Sometimes others recognize patterns that we may not be seeing. Boy, do I see a pattern in Enrique’s case.

I sense that where women are concerned Enrique is blinded. It is more than blindness of course, there is also sin involved. It is one of those generational sins too. Enrique’s father was married to a good Christian woman. She kept him on the straight and narrow as much as anyone could tame a wild bull. When she passed away, his true self emerged in total. In his old age, he hooked up with a super young, heroin addict who moved in with him. The heroin didn’t matter only pounding that young flesh. It was awful. When I met this women and her scary addict friends I told him to get rid of her and to go to church! 

His answer to me, was exactly like a replay that I got from a number of other men in this family. Enrique’s father said,”you want me to go to church don’t you and marry one of those old church ladies?” My answer with a smile was simply, “why yes, I do.” I also had a number of encounters with Enrique’s brother Adonis* over the years as he worked through his massive women problems. Once such case involved a woman, Philomena.* 

He was engaged to Philomena and was planning a huge wedding in the Philippines when, I got a distraught call from Adonis one day. His wedding, and all the money that he had laid our for it, including fatting an ox and growing food for an entire village, had just been cancelled. What a sad occurrence and I felt sorry for Adonis. What the devil could have happened?

Apparently, in a fit of conscience, Philomena had confided in the priest who was running their pre-marriage class that she had married another man in order to get into the United States. She had never divorced him and didn’t even know where he was! The priest of course understood to marry Adonis would be bigamy and, even marrying after a divorce is prohibited in the Catholic Church. He advised her to tell Adonis in his office. Whereupon Adonis gets an unscheduled call from the priest to come in for a meeting. Naturally, Adonis was surprised and wanted to know why. The priest was trying not to say the reason but, eventually had to tell him to come in right away because Philomena had something important to tell him. I am so glad that he did not drive off the road. I was just happy that he found out before the wedding. Another family story involved Enrique’s son. He got married to a beautiful woman from Venezuela. They were married for a number of years. The exact number seemed to be related to the time that she needed to get her United States working papers. 

Yes, Venezuela that has more beauty queen title recipients than any other place in the world. Get the picture? The picture being that finding a beautiful woman and forging ahead despite addiction, or being used for an entry into the United States seems to be a way of life in this family. When Enrique had first become a Christian it seemed that he immediately got clarity on marriage and relationships. He saw the difference between deep and abiding love and commitment versus, what he had seen around him. He was able to articulate so many insights into what the Bible teaches on this topic.

He saw God’s love for us as a role model for what he wanted his relationships to look like. He started reading books on the topic. Anyone ever read, The 5 Love Languages, The Love/Dare Challenge or The 5 Love Languages of Apology? Well, Enrique did read those books and more. As he studied Christian concepts of love and marriage, he seemed like a thirsty man in a desert.

It was amazing for me to see his transformation. At the time, he was separated from his wife. With all his fervent prayers and all that he had learned, he was hoping for a reconciliation. Sadly, that never happened. As the years went by, Enrique either didn’t want to or couldn’t meet a woman at church. He had grown desperate. I think that his loneliness drove him to hook up online. 

Before, you feel too sad for him, I want to posit the following. The Bible tells us that we like dogs go back to our vomit (Proverbs 26:11). I know that is not pretty but, it is true. Even after finding the treasure of Jesus Christ and meeting godly, available women at church, he did not choose the right path. It reminds me of Samson. He wanted beauty and a lot of other superficial things. Judges 14:1-3- Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he said to his father and mother, “I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.” His father and mother replied, “isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife? Samson said to his father,”Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.”

After Enrique’s unbelieving wife divorced him, I tried to match him up with several women that I thought would be perfect for him at my church, but he showed no interest in them. These amazing women of God were available. They loved the Lord, were mature in their faith and had a lot in common with him. I tried to say things that would point this out to Enrique but, I got nothing back. Instead, he asked me about some Russian babe that he had been talking to online. I was shocked. I told him this could be a complete hoax. That she probably wasn’t who she said she was, and if she was then why would she be with him? He tried to convince me that she was real. He even showed me a picture of her passport. What is that? Who would put their passport picture online. I thought that Enrique was extremely naive about women then, but now I think it is a bad family pattern that he has to fight against. 

Maybe, that is why Enrique has not asked my opinion on Manuela. As I write this, he is planning his trip to Cuba. I hope that he changes his mind. I know doing that would be difficult, especially because he is probably addicted to his computer and all the positive affirmations Manuela gives him all day long. He told me that she is so understanding. Isn’t it easy to be understanding when you see the great icon of U.S. citizenship on the horizon? Or, isn’t it easy to be understanding during your fake relationship moments online? He thinks this is all real just like Dorothy thought the Wizard of Oz was real until she saw a small figure behind the curtain. I hope and pray that we can weather this storm in our relationship. I also pray that the truth comes out concerning this woman. Is she a Delilah? 

*the names are changed but the stories are alarmingly true.

Losing Control

Control is an issue that pervades our life. From birth to death, in our homes, communities and in our world, there is a constant battle for control. Too much control, too little or unjust control are all causes for at best a grievance and at worst a revolution. As the United States is undergoing a cataclysmic political change, the question of just who or what is in control dominates my thoughts.

Losing Control plays out each and every day in our lives. There are spiritual lessons that can be learned. The first case concerns lose of control in a family setting. How much control do we have in our family?Evan* is considering marriage with a divorced woman that he just met online. It isn’t exactly the dream that his Christian mother Katie* had for him. No, far from it. No only that but, it doesn’t jive with the direction that this “helicopter parent” has had for her son. For those of you not familiar with the term “helicopter parent” it is a reference to the tendency to hover over something, just like a helicopter hovers before it lands. It connotes a controlling and overbearing parent who can not seem to let their child run their own life. 

Katie is so proud of everything that Evan says and does. In fact, he has done everything that she has ever told him to do. Who doesn’t love it when their child listens to all their advise and agrees with them about everything. Katie has certainly enjoyed that. The problem is, that this so seldom happens in life. Our children are not a carbon copy of us. And, even though Evan is a church going young man who believes in honoring his mother, he is bound to have disagreements with her.

Some people think that Evan has been too afraid to stand up to his mother all these years. Others think that he is just like her. I think, that it is a little of both. In any event, things seem to be changing and this is going to be a huge shock for Katie. Some are afraid for Katie. She is not exactly flexible or patient when things don’t go her way. Some of Katie’s loved ones are afraid that Evan is running as far away from his mother as he can, and that Katie might be Losing Control of her sanity. What if she has a mental breakdown?

Katie wasn’t always like this, but when she came down with various health ailments in her middle thirties, she changed dramatically. As her health spiraled out of control, it seemed very important for her to have control in other areas of her life as much as was possible.

For many years, doctors were unable to diagnose her. Many doctors thought that she was just a hypochondriac. Many in her family circle agreed. All these things made her bitter and she began to rail against God. Her relationship with the Lord has been fractured ever since. I sometimes think that Katie is like Jacob in the Bible wrestling God for control. We can see how that turned out in this reading. Genesis 32: 24-25- So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 

After years of visiting doctors and taking tests, which seemed to diagnose everything from fibromyalgia to  multiple sclerosis I believe the latest diagnosis is lupus. Poor Evan’s life changed dramatically due to his mother’s failing health. He must have been in middle school at the time it all began. Pretty quickly much of the responsibility of running the home fell upon him. He was cooking, cleaning and comforting his mother. This went on for many years. His father retreated to the safe space of work and church to buffer him from the pain of what had happened to his wife which left Evan to pick-up the pieces. 

I am pretty certain that Katie’s husband Matt* loves his wife and son dearly but, he was unwilling or unable to take the mantle of responsibility in the home. He dutifully served Katie whenever he was at home, he dutifully served at work, and he dutifully served at church. But, one thing he could not do was to stand up to Katie when he ought to. I thought that this was going to go on forever until the virus hit. Matt began working at home and Evan was at home doing remote learning. Manhattan apartments are small. This has traditionally been okay because most people were not home very much. Now, this family was  continually getting on each other’s nerves. It was all too close for comfort. Issues of control emerged and her husband and son were no longer willing to acquiesce. The carefully crafted universe that they had erected was beginning to fall apart. 

As real estate prices in Manhattan began to tumble, Matt told Katie that he needed to get a small one bedroom apartment so that he could get some work done. He used the old, “I cant get fired from this job because I am the families major means of support”. Katie is housebound and living on her disability benefits. This is not enough to cover this family’s operating expenses. When Katie told me about this she acted like it was practically her idea and that it made complete sense. I didn’t buy that and realized it was her way of seeming to be in control yet again. She may have been fooling herself but she certainly wasn’t fooling me. The next shock to Katie’s controlled universe came when Evan announced that he met someone online and that he sees marriage in their future. 

It is not like Matt and Evan have abandoned Katie completely but, it is pretty close to that. They are sick and tired of waiting on her hand and foot. The worst part for Katie is that she is Losing Control. She used to tell them what to do and when to do it. It now appears to some close to her that the only weapon that she has to fight her lose of control is getting sicker. They believe she has begun to use that strategy. Lord knows that they have an amazing Pastor who is very engaged and trying to bless one more pandemic couple who seem close to divorce. 

There are also the frustrated political operatives that I know who are dealing with the lose of political control. One such friend is Morgan.* Morgan is a caring and intelligent woman. But, ever since Joe Biden got into the White House by hook or by crook, she seems unable to think of anything else. Her poor husband is trying to help her as he draws on the history of his Eastern Europe place of birth under the communist oppression of the former Soviet Union. 

This all seems familiar to him and he is trying to help her to understand what it means to lose political control of your country. What it means spiritually, economically and personally. She is struggling to understand that there is not anything that she can do to make this better right now and change the course of events before much longer. She is frustrated and angry about this contested election. Morgan is just one person. She is not wealthy or well-connected. What control do any of us have when our country veers in a bad direction? A perusal of the Bible or most history books can shed light on this question. 

Then there is Pastor Frank*. Pastor Frank is a dedicated preacher who has lead his flock of believers in a wise and godly way throughout this pandemic. Pastor Frank recently made a major reveal which I think was a great lesson for me and others who are struggling with Losing Control. He described his recent plans for his church and how they were completely sidetracked. He had been planning a church expansion for many years. Work had begun and through the hard work of his congregation they had completed important additions onto the church. Classrooms and space which could greatly expand the capacity of the church and would help grow the congregation had been completed. Unfortunately, this occurred just as the virus hit Westchester County, New York and the world

As Pastor Frank’s plans got derailed new possibilities opened up for him. The church began to live stream Sunday services and bible studies. It proved a good decision and very quickly Pastor Frank did get the congregational increase he had been looking for, except it was online. The huge number of people watching his service hailed from all across the United States. Some congregations who were unable to have service due to shutdowns or who were not so technically savvy asked to join the Pastor’s events. 

How should we conduct our lives in the face of evil? How much control do we actually have or should we have over our lives, our family or the world? Where is God and our dear Savior Jesus in all of this? Some of the early followers of Jesus Christ were looking for a messiah that would bring military victory over the Romans. Jesus told them that, His kingdom was not of this world. The minor prophet Habakkuk went to God in prayer as he saw evil all around him. He wanted mercy and victory over the enemies at the gate.

In the first chapter of the book of Habakkuk we see an earnest inquiry of the Lord. Habakkuk wonders why God wasn’t listening? How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds. Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted.-Habakkuk 1:2-4.

The Lord gives Habakkuk an answer, but it was not the answer that he wanted. The Lord said destruction was coming. Habakkuk continues to ask God’s guidance and he is given a revelation to write down for then and for now. As Habakkuk begins to fathom that he and his nation are Losing Control, he understands, accepts and proclaims, Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19. Please read the short three chapter book of Habakkuk. It is sure to inspire and direct you. God bless  you today.

* the names are changed.