Old-Time Valentine!

 I am inspired for the real meaning of love in two Valentine’s stories from my church. We are talking Old-Time Valentine, as in love over the age of sixty-five. There are so many images surrounding valentines’s day activities that do not include older people. Yet, do people stop needing love after a certain age? Are they less romantic? Certainly not. Many people in their sixties, seventies, eighties and beyond are less mobile. They are not in and about the societal meeting places as they once were, including many of the societal networking sites which many of them eschew. However, when life has handed you wrinkles, scars, and health ailments, just what should you expect concerning your chances for love? Is it over? What role does family, society and churches play in the tragedy of lonely old people?

This topic was recently debated in Italy after an older woman passed away during the Covid epidemic and no one even knew it for some two plus years. She lived in the vicinity of beautiful lake Como. An idyllic setting that I was able to enjoy on a family vacation a few years ago. But, beneath any idyllic setting lurks the truth of mankind’s failings, i.e.sin. A number of Italian politicians decried the situation citing the not so distant past when Italians were intertwined and interconnected in a vast family network.

Yet, within the last five years, I have been inspired by two couples who pushed through the issues of the senior years and choose a God-centered love story. The first regards, Arnold* and Eloise.* Eloise had a loving husband in Westchester County, New York. They had thriving careers, she teaching music at one of the most prestigious schools in the county, where the Ivy League graduates are legendary. He, was a lawyer for a white shoe law firm in New York City. Tragedy came to roost in this beautiful nest when Eloise’s husband passed away at a young age, leaving her to raise their young children alone. 

Eloise’s strong faith, her career and her husband’s wise insurance decisions ensured that the family would survive and move forward. She became a mighty woman of God throughout the years, teaching many a woman’s bible study, playing piano and directing the music ministry while raising her children. She had been a long-time widow. All together five decades would pass before she meet Arnold. 

Arnold’s widowerhood was of a much shorter time-span, having only lost his wife, whom he described as his best friend, less than ten years ago.He was determined to find love again even though he had passed the octogenarian mark. Many people might wonder why a man in his 80’s would want to be in a romantic relationship again after such a wonderful marriage? Other people questioned why he just did not find a woman for companionship purposes and leave it at that.

But, Arnold was not looking for any hookups, or convenient arrangement. He was a centered Christian man who was looking for a full covenant marriage. He believed correctly that marriage is a representation of a closeness that is deep and meaningful and should not be cheapened since it represented a model for understanding God’s relationship with humanity.

It is my understanding that Arnold made his wishes known to people at his church, in his family and among his friendship. It may have even included a brief stint on the Tinder dating app. Ultimately, it would be his sister who played matchmaker by introducing him to Eloise, whom she attended church with. What an amazing match it quickly showed itself to be.

Eloise, long retired from her teaching job, still headed the music ministry at my New York church. She was the choir master and a women’s bible study teacher. Well into her eighties, she played the piano beautifully. Her love of the Lord was fervent and Arnold shared all of her interests. He sang in his own church choir and played tennis as did Eloise. It has been a match made in heaven and seeing it unfold has been amazing.

They have pictures of his wife and her husband on the mantel as well as all their combined children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. It isn’t just for show either. They have warmly embarrassed each other’s family whole-heartedly. He sings in the choir now at his new wife’s church and happily gets a solo now and again. He still sings beautifully. He and she are the most knowledgeable members of the Wednesday night bible study too. 

He even took Eloise camping and out in his boat, something that she had never done before. A man of 85 driving a trailer to upstate New York. Wow. He showed me a picture of their camping trip. I think he was glamping before it became popular. He has such a joie de vivre too, because in front of his camper he had placed the most beautiful rug and cozy lounge chairs. This helped to make Eloise’s first camping trip a gem of a good time. She had never been in a boat either. What an adventure for her to have in her eighties, don’t you think?

Then there is Pam* and Pete* whose love story began as they both were just entering retirement. Pete was a recent Christian convert. He read the Bible on his own and describes that being his conversion experience. That was six years ago. Pam, on the other hand, made the decision for Jesus quite young. She married a man who was a very Christ-centered man, even having a sign to that effect over his desk in an office overlooking the famed Rockefeller Center in New York City. He had a powerful church ministry over the years with Pam by his side. She playing the piano at church, and he teaching the Bible.

That all changed about seven years ago when he went on to be with the Lord. She was in her fifties at the time. Pam was not looking for love when she met Pete at church one Sunday. No, she was far from looking for love. She had her mind on many other things. She had come up from her home in sunny Florida to the not so sunny northeastern United States to help her sister care for an ailing husband. All of Pam’s family were involved in helping Nan* take care of her seriously ill husband Mike.* This included Pam’s niece who took an extended leave from her job and her family in Connecticut to stay and care for her ailing father.

Pam, now a widow in retirement, seemed like a natural choice to relieve her niece when family life demanded her presence at home. Pam was, as she told me, content with her own company. She had thought that this time of widowhood pointed to a time of more focus on her work for the Lord. That of course meant being available to help her brother-in-law in his time of need. It meant reaching more people for Jesus than ever before. She had truly embraced a godly view of her widowhood.

Even as she started to fall for Pete, she struggled with the biblical passage (1 Corinthians 7:8- But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.”) She reached out to godly friends for wise counsel. She also struggled with being set in her ways. It had been 7 years since she lost her husband and she ate whenever she wanted to eat, and was used to doing things her own way. Could she or would she want to go back to cooking, cleaning and compromising in decision-making? 

One of the things that I gleaned from both the above success stories was the willingness to communicate and compromise. The respect for and inclusion of family and friendships of each partner is also important. Both of these couples believe in God and have a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. As a result, the elements of their christian walk are crucial elements which are the foundations of these partnerships. 

Understanding that Jesus is the cord that holds a relationship together is life-changing. (Ecclesiastes 4:12- A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.) Jesus has told us that we are to serve one another. When a man and a woman understands this they can really be of help to one another. Of course, this takes on a special meaning as one faces the challenges of old age. 

For instance both Pam and Pete entered their relationship knowing that they each had some serious health challenges. They agreed to be a blessing to each other as have Arnold and Eloise. All four of them still believe in the institution of marriage. All this as you see many people reject marriage. Many people do not even wish to commit to helping an elderly partner when they become ill and opting instead to enjoying sex, and social events only. Wanting to enjoy only the advantages of marriage and cutting out any of the difficult parts. 

Since Arnold, Eloise, Pete and Pam have chosen to see God’s purposes in the marriage commitment, they are my heroes this Valentine’s Day. They get my Valentine’s real love award! I get happy every time that I think of these two couples. I bet you know a couple like that too!

* the names are changed but the stories have not.

Most Important Decision

The most important decision that we can make today is to follow Jesus, but let’s just say that we decide that Jesus is not for us. Whatever decision that we make aside, we will still have to take out the garbage, walk the dog and get a haircut. Bills have to be paid, etc. We might be pursuing a career in medicine but what kind of health care professional will you be without Jesus? We might still teach, work at a supermarket or be a mechanic but something has changed. You may get married but what kind of marriage will it be without Jesus as the central figure guiding you? 

The life choices that we make indicate our spiritual philosophy of life and ever so slowly that philosophy begins to show in everything that we say and do. The Bible talks of a narrow path that leads to the gates of heaven. If we veer too far to the right or left we may end up in a ditch somewhere. There are many examples of how this actually plays out in people’s lives. 

Take the case of a recent New York City suicide. A thirty year old woman decided that life was just too hard and so she decided to jump to her death from an apartment balcony, mon Dieu! This woman was Miss USA 2019, she had a law degree, and a Masters of Business Administration. She was a correspondent on the entertainment show Extra. She lived a rarefied life hobnobbing with the rich and powerful of the New York City entertainment community. Was she stressed out or an over-achiever? I don’t know her but, after living in New York my whole life, I can honestly say the signs are there. 

Many people in Westchester County New York that I have known were hyper-focused on their career and spiritually dead. The Bible teaches us that it is wisdom to “seek ye first the kingdom of heaven,” meaning put God first in all that you do. This will naturally lead us to a more balanced and rewarding life. With God as the head of your career, and your interpersonal relationships, how can you go wrong? That is what it says at the end of the above bible verse when it proclaims, But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you”-Matthew 6:33.

This woman had many achievements and yet looking at her life reveals so much spiritual turmoil. As she approached her 30th birthday, she revealed in an article in Allure magazine just how miserable she was. She talked about the prospect of aging and how poorly people are treated as they age. She no longer wanted to practice law because of problems that she felt existed in the profession. 

She was a supporter of the black supremacist groups Antifa and Black Lives Matter and somehow this did not bring her salvation. Truly in vain is salvation hoped for from the hills, and from the multitude of mountains: truly in the Lord our God is the salvation of Israel- Jeremiah 3:23. She was looking for perfection, for justice, and for eternal youth in the wrong place for only God can bring us those things.

This made me think of another woman that I knew who had attempted suicide a number of years ago. Her name was Maggie.* Maggie also had many attributes which we think of as great achievements. However, she was not spiritually grounded in the ways of God and no amount of worldly success could make up for that hole in her life where God belonged. 

She had an idealistic approach to life and was disappointed as life and this world unfolded in all their truths. She saw no other way but to attempt suicide after her boyfriend broke up with her. So talented, so beautiful and intelligent yet the world seemed to be driving her mad. Thank goodness Maggie was not successful in her attempt to end her life because just ten months later she had become a Christian, and had met a man who seemed to have more in common with her then her ex-boyfriend Max* ever did. Everything seemed better in her life than it was just a short time before. Things are seldom as bad as they feel at any given time.

We all come to many crossroads in our life and we have choices of which way to go at that time. Should we go right or should we go left? If we choose the world, our life gets more and more twisted in that direction as we continue. Maybe we grew up in church but when we went off to college we thought better of that upbringing and starting living in opposition to it. We dated a few bad boys, “oh those Christians don’t know what they are missing!” 

That reminds me of a Christian camp counselor that I met when I was at a women’s ministry event last year. She was a very committed Christian until her second year of college when she began to date someone that was not a Christian. Not only that but Nick* was not studying as he should, but instead was focusing on practicing for weekends with his heavy metal band. The music that she shared with me was difficult to comprehend except maybe to say they represented downright anarchy. 

When she sat next to me at that Women’s Ministry event, this and much more all came spilling out. Her life was like a ball of yarn that was badly tangled. At moments like this, there is only one thing that I have to give, and that is the clarity that choosing to focus on Jesus Christ can bring. I likewise had the same message for the sister in Christ struggling in her marriage. What I did see in several of the above mentioned stories is how people can so easily be seduced off of the path that they should be following in life.

Just one date with a non-believer and you could be heading to the clubs instead of going to church. Just one episode of any stupid television talk show could have you doubting your husband and not appreciating  all that he does. Then you begin to focus on his character flaws instead of his godly attributes. Or worse, sometimes life without God leaves you feeling empty and reeling from every twist and turn that may befall you on any given day. Without that decision for Christ the daily emotions and events that take place can be overwhelming.

This world is going through some cataclysmic changes. Many feel it is time to change everything that civilization has built. Worse yet, there are many who want to replace the God given values that we have built western civilization upon with something sinister. It is already happening. In New York for example, there are college professors who think there is nothing wrong with pedophilia and politicians who openly call for an end to capitalism. Technology is not playing fair and we let them get away with it. The constitutional freedom of speech is dead because we are so weak and addicted to everything that either big tech entertains us with or that China sells us. We have sold our souls for video games and cheap Chinese goods and no longer have a righteous fear of God.

I believe that decision to follow Jesus will lead us on the right path in our relationships, in our homes, community, schools and world. Without him things are moving along but, not in the right direction. We have many decisions to make everyday, but the most important one is will we accept the Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior and allow him to direct our path.

* some names were changed to protect privacy.