Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself. Why is it that we have so much trouble understanding our human nature and then reconciling with the truth of its' frailty? If we did we could begin to forge a path toward forgiving ourselves. We are not perfect and we will make mistakes. All of us! "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"(Romans 3:23), or "all our righteousness (good deeds) are as filthy rags"(Isaiah 64:6). Ouch! These verses, if reflected upon, can surely help us to gain some insight. Yet, we suffer painfully when we fail to achieve the greatness that we supposed that we were capable of. Was Eve reaching for a little greatness when she ate the fruit? Are we in essence grabbing for that same fruit?

Living in Westchester County, New York has given me a front seat to the world of perfectionism. It's like I am watching a movie. In this movie, all the themes of what happens when you seek perfection are constantly played for me as in a loop. I see people killing themselves to achieve greatness in their careers, with their children, church, house or car only to be disappointed. Shall I go on? You know that I will. Perfectionism in clothing, in weight, home decor, children's summer camps and on vacations!

Here is the truth of life. The promotion sometimes goes to someone else. What if It turns out that you really should have listened to your parents because you can't afford to buy that car. Now it has to be repossessed. I am seeing a lot of foreclosures in New York. I have known several people who made unwise decisions when buying a house. They really didn't have enough money to finance it, but they had to have the perfect home with lots of room and all the amenities. If every thing went perfectly it wouldn't be a problem. No one would lose their job or get sick, right? Guess what happened next?

What about Haruki*and Whitney*? Haruki and Whitney were both at the top of their class at Yale. A major part of their life had been devoted to preparing their children to follow in their footsteps. And it looked like they were on their way to achieving that goal until they had a car wreck which appeared to be their fault. Their son was with them that day and although they had only minor injuries, their son might never be the same. They sank into a cycle of recriminations and depression. They feel responsible and can not forgive themselves.

What about the deep shame that a suicide brings? I should have seen it coming. I should have helped or done more. Often we punish ourselves and unconsciously decide that we will never be happy again. We think that somehow this is some crazy justice for our part in the situation. We think we deserve to be miserable. But, is that what God wants for us?

The list of things that we don't forgive ourselves for is huge. I was a bad wife, daughter or mother. That divorce, that infidelity. I never succeeded in my career. My drugs, my alcohol problems. The pain that I caused. That car crash, that accident. That slip of the scalpel! Oh Jesus, Lord and Savior, please help us with the burdens of life. We can not do this alone.

First, we need to understand that regardless of the Frank Sinatra song which says that "regrets I have a few, but then again to few to mention" we all have regrets in what we have done or what we have failed to do. Usually they are more than a few and they pile up because we fail to deal with them as they happen. We may also do as the song suggests and not mention those past regrets. Unfortunately, if we do not then it may only help that wound of ours to fester. You might guess that I don't always agree with that saying, "time heals all wounds." Alone time usually doesn't heal our unforgiveness.

What can we do about it then? The first step toward forgiving ourself is finding someone to talk over our problems with. It is important to be open to finding a new way to look at the problem. A mature Christian or someone who has been through what you have been through would be a good choice to begin to share your story with. It is not good to be alone with your pain. Left alone with unforgiveness towards ourselves we often turn to obsessing about it. We think about our pain all the time and level the same guilty accusations at ourselves over and over. Then we naturally feel anger at ourselves, this distracts us from things that we should be focusing on in our daily life. We find ourselves unproductive. We can not concentrate, and this eventually leads us to anxiety, depression, or various illnesses.

When we speak to somebody about our guilt, it is important to keep an open mind and heart. It won't be easy to hear what someone else thinks about the way that we have handled our life. It will not be any easier to recount our trauma to others but, it is part of de-sensitizing us to the situation. It has been helpful for me to make a list from time to time recounting things that I need to confess to God and then to forgive myself about.

Some topics of discussion include questions such as: What happened? What was I thinking? Did I or did I not act with malice? Today, would I resolve to do things differently? Is it time to be at peace because accidents are part of the nature of life? Can I help others in the future with my experiences and if so how would I? Think of questions and things you need to explore as you get ready to make peace with God and yourself.

Scripture text to reflect upon: Matthew 26: 69-75
"Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee. But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest. And when he was gone out into the porch, another maid saw him, and said unto them that were there, this fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth. And again, he denied with an oath, I do not know the man. And after a while came unto him they that stood by, and said to Peter, surely thou also art one of them; for thy speech bewrayeth thee. Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the cock crew. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly."

Conclusion: Explore this story and what it says about the frailty of human nature. It is my story. It is your story. That Peter who was destined for great spiritual things could deny Jesus like he did is pivotal. This man, who Jesus groomed for leadership, cursed and swore a false oath. How did he forgive himself? What if he  hadn't? Remember that Jesus predicted that Peter would deny Him three times. Peter saved his own life by denying that he even knew Jesus. Yet Jesus already knew that he would do this before it happened. He even called him a "rock" in spite of it. He loved and forgave him on the Cross of Calvary. Jesus says the same to you at this moment or at another moment when you need to forgive yourself. You can forgive yourself, put your life back together and serve God as Peter did. So, to answer an earlier question that I posed in this blog post, no, God does not want you to be miserable! 

* the story is true but I changed the name for privacy sake.

Patriotism & Faith

Is it okay to be patriotic and still call yourself a Christian? There seems to be some controversy surrounding this topic. Historically, there was a loyalty heirarchy. It was God first, country and then family. That God is our first loyalty is biblically referenced in the following passage: But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you- Matthew 6:33. The meaning behind this is clear. With God as the center of our life, things begin to fall into place.

But has that ever been good enough for us? It should be, but history tells us the answer is no. Starting in the Bible early on we see how Adam and Eve had a personal relationship with God and sought to overturn that because they wanted more, the knowledge of the tree of good and evil. Then we have the nation of Israel who had God as their king but wanted a man to lead them instead.

Fast forward to today. We could put God in charge of our life and therefore by extension our career, family and communities. Instead, we put our faith in other things. But, back to patriotism, where does that fall in? With God as our center, we have wisdom in marriage and we raise our children in the fear and reverence of God. We naturally want our laws and elected representatives to reflect the eternal truths that we have come to learn.

We are proud of what our communities and nation come to represent. Proud in a healthy way. We have hope for the future and feel safe and secure in our environment. Placing Jesus at the center of our life also means that we understand the sin nature of mankind and we don't look for worldly perfection. The Judeo-Christian ethic gives a realistic view of the sinful nature of our hearts.

That is what lead the founding fathers of the United States to write the constitution and set up the type of government that they did. It was full of amazing checks and balances to ensure that we would have a good chance of thwarting the evil inherent in political structure and in our hearts. Being thoroughly grounded in the Bible guided them as political leaders and they mirrored that ethos in legislation and in judicial matters. That we would want to preserve and protect such a nation is at the heart of a healthy patriotism. This is not at all adversarial to faith.

However, what people erroneously fear, as regards patriotism, and wish to stamp out began in Europe following World War II. Two huge multi-national conflagrations had devastating consequences and it was concluded by people of the so-called upper echelons of society that this was due to national boundaries and allegiances.

The move toward globalism was now In full swing. That left patriotism in the dust and its' reputation sullied. But is patriotism really the enemy? I think not. Look at the United Nations, a global organization. It is one of the most corrupt bodies ever in existence. Even as we tend toward globalism has this made us the one big, happy family that we desire?

No, it has not and it will not. Even reality television shows know that when they put 10 or 12 people together in a house or on a deserted island they will naturally form alliances and mess with one another for selfish gain. The godly mandate to love one another as God has loved us is a virtue. However, the many checks and balances that nations exert upon one another may do more to keep each other on the right track than we think.

Criminals have often taken advantage of weak points in a nations boundaries to slip through and sell drugs, or even worse. Groups will naturally form to take advantage of others based on circumstances, ex, criminal groups in New York during Black Lives Matter protests. Many people have seen first hand what a big happy family that we really are when you start cutting police units and budgets. There starts to be an increase in looting, vandalism, assaults and murders.

It is natural to form nation states with spiritually and culturally aligned peoples. But, what will be the end result of the call for open boarders and the decrying of nationalism? A world gorvernment will have to form. The larger a government entity the larger the corruption and factions. I love the way the founding fathers did it in the United States. They created the federal government and the state system. There is unity but it also allows for difference in the ways that the states can operate. However, It is important to remember that all of this originally worked because the nation declared itself to be one nation under God. That was the spiritual alignment that was the lynchpin holding it all together.

If the world joins together in some sort of new world order, what will the spiritual basis of that be? It will not be a united group. So even if we tried to create a world order based upon a system of nation states and an overriding world body similar to the U.S. model it won't be one world under God. Under God is what it takes to achieve those results that we crave. So, in the meantime, we have got to be more godly and more concerned with the spiritual truths outlined in the Bible than we ever have been before.

And He shall judge among the nations, and rebuke many people; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.- Isaiah 2:4 

More than half a century ago, while I was still a child, I recall hearing a number of older people offer the following explanation for the great disasters that had befallen Russia. "Men have forgotten God; that's why all this has happened." Since then I have spent well-nigh 50 years working on the history of our revolution; in the process I have read hundreds of books, collected hundreds of personal testimonies, and have already contributed 8 volumes of my own toward the effort of clearing away the rubble left by that upheaval. But if I were asked today to formulate as concisely as possible the main cause of the ruinous Revolution that swallowed up some 60 million of our people, I could not put it more accurately than to repeat: "Men have forgotten God; that's why all this has happened."
-Alexander Solzhenitsyn's 1983 Templeton Address