Death of First Love

I had a disagreement with my husband. A discussion that we had, got heated and nasty real fast the other day. Was it a pile up of emotions that overflowed or, was it a clearing of the air that has to happen from time to time in married life? We were just finishing our dinner that night and I had that relaxed, satiated feeling you get at such times, I was not ready for this. Neither of us were acting very godly in the situation that night.

When we are at our worst, sometimes we all take a cheap shot in the course of an argument. In boxing terms it is called hitting below the belt which is against the rules. In this case, my husband used the opportunity to try to win a battle by bringing up an ex-boyfriend, if you could call Mick* that. In my anger and foolishness, I stormed up to the bedroom and decided to check him out on social media to see what he was up to. There was news alright. I found Mick’s obituary!

It looked like Mick died suddenly in autumn of last year, in his home in upstate New York. He did not die of old-age but, he passed away the way I always imagined that he might,i.e. quickly and mysteriously. After all, that was how he appeared to me to run his life.

I met Mick the summer before I entered high school. I was thirteen and he was fifteen years of age when he walked into my life. He was destined to challenge me for the next several years and beyond. My sister was dating a guy who looked like one of the Hemsworth brothers. River* was a golden boy in every way. Good as gold, smart as could be, and talented in many ways. He sang for us, organized sporting games for the neighborhood kids and was respectful towards my sister. 

And, just like a Hemsworth there were more at home just like him. River’s mother passed away of cancer several years before we all met, leaving his father to care for four children. River. the eldest of the bunch, seemed to take a natural leadership role in caring for his younger siblings. He might have even been better at it then his own father was. 

River was very responsible, he cooked, made sure everyone’s homework was done, and tried to keep order when his father was at work. During summer vacation, he got a job as a lifeguard and made sure all his siblings learned to swim that summer. He drove them to responsible adults homes rather than leave the family home without supervision when they did not go to the pool with him. 

That is more or less how I met Nevin* his younger brother when River brought them over for an afternoon visit. Nevin was a 6 feet tall, member of the track team, blond, and beautiful with rock star quality hair. He was the opposite of me. I had yet to attain any stature of note at 13 yrs old and while I always enjoyed having fun with a softball, football, biking and swimming, I was not interested or equipped to do anything more. As for my hair, let’s just say that Nevin’s hair was better than mine.

So, why was Nevin flirting with me? Why was he putting the moves on me? I was frightened but intrigued at the same time. I was not sure if I wanted to run away and play with my dolls or maybe consider that growing up wasn’t that bad after all. We dated that summer and he visited my home frequently, always with his friend Mick. Whenever I was wishing for some alone time with Nevin, there was Mick tagging along.

I can say that while Nevin and I did not have much of a connection, he helped me prepare for starting high school and maybe he helped me shed some of my geeky reputation in the neighborhood by just being seen with me. Mick was always there, however, I soon began to appreciate the fact that trying to follow my faith on a date was much easier with other people present, even Mick. 

One day, close to summer’s end, Nevin and I inevitably broke up. My first relationship was no more. I felt a grief and an array of emotions that I had never experienced before. It was the morning of my breakup and I had been crying when the door bell rang. My mother hollered, “answer that please, I am cooking.” As usual Mick was at the door to hang out with Nevin and I. He must not have heard that we broke up. “Hi Mick, Nevin isn’t here, we just broke up.” “Yes, I know,” was his reply, “can I come in?” 

I was shocked, there was a flirt somewhere in there. For one thing, it was flattering for a girl just dealing with her first breakup, for another thing, I did not see this coming. “Come in Mick.” That day, Mick confessed that he liked me as soon as we met but, he was shy and Nevin beat him to asking me out. He then invited me to go get an ice cream cone over at the local Carvel’s ice cream shop. 

I soon learned that Mick was an enigma within an enigma. On one hand, whenever he was with me, he always brought his “A”game. On the other hand, when he wan’t with me there was a void. I might not hear from him for a while. This is a young guy who seemed to be interested in me and keep me interested in him but, there was no consistency in when I would see him next. While he seemed to want to be with me, there was no official boyfriend/ girlfriend thing that ever happened. 

Mick also seemed to have many gifts that were going to waste. It appears certain he had a very high I.Q.but never realized his full potential. He would cut class to go bowling or to the beach. I know there were a few teachers who saw his potential but could somehow not reach him, nor could his father who tried his best to inspire Mick to apply himself.

I wondered if Mick was just interested in a physical relationship? I had already pronounced my love of Jesus Christ and my commitment to having sex reserved for marriage. Yet, he continued to come and visit me, take me to the movies, out for dinner, drive-ins, and the beach. I saw he was a traditional gentleman in many ways. His manners towards me were impeccable. I sensed that he had respect for me but, I could not allow myself to give my heart to anyone who was not a Christian. I also wanted a reliable and trustworthy boyfriend who was more consistent. 

So, since I quickly found out that I could not develop the sort of relationship that I thought was appropriate with Mick, I made the decision to dive into the dating pool at high school once the semester began. As the school year began, I was open to the possibility of dating again. That worked out well and looking back I can earnestly say that I dated several nice Christian teenagers in high school.

Except there was one problem. Whenever, I had a steady boyfriend somehow Mick would stop by for a visit and either taunt my boyfriends or plant seeds of doubt in my mind about them. Was Mick the most manipulative guy ever? A sociopath perhaps? The years might prove the answer to that as, yes. However, back then, while I actively defended my boyfriends Mick kept on making me think about him more than them. 

This was not a position that I wanted to be in as a Christian girl. So, I told myself and I told him that he was no good for me and kept on trying to move forward in good and healthy relationships. How manipulative and nervy was he? Well, he knew I was dating Nico* and that we had a dinner planned for Valentine’s Day❤️. Mick decides to show up a few hours earlier and surprises me with a single  🌹 red rose. It was my first rose ever. I was surprised when I looked at the beauty of this long-stemmed lovely and thought of the meaning that perhaps was behind this gift. It certainly undermined what Nico was able to accomplish that night with his supermarket carnation bouquet. I thanked Nico for the lovely bouquet of flowers but in my heart I thought Mick’s gift was more “cool.” 

When you know Jesus and are called to follow his purposes in your life, situations like this bring spiritual battles that you wish did not happen. But, they do. Why are we drawn to people who are inconsistent, irresponsible or treat us less that we think is respectful? Is it their looks, do we see something in them that we think ameliorates all the other problems? Do we think that we can save them, because only Jesus can save. Or, perhaps, they act in a familiar family pattern or should I say family curse.

I prayed, I worked hard at school and I tried to use all my intellect to ferret out the meaning of my feelings for Mick. I kept busy and dated all the right boys, I kept to godly activities and it all worked until I saw Mick again and it challenged me greatly. When I entered University, I vowed to God to move passed this chapter in my life in a mature fashion and I did. 

Many years went by and as Satan would have it, Mick and I saw each other again. He played a game with me. It was called guess what we have been up to. He went first, he wanted to take a stab at guessing what I had been up to since high school. He guessed that I had money in the bank, went to church and did volunteer work. Then it was my turn. Feeling nervous and very uncomfortable with this personal reveal, I blurted out,” well, in high school you were voted most likely to drink anyone under the table, so I guess you drink. You are a divorcée once, maybe twice.” Horrified at what I just said, I quickly apologized. 

Mick told me that’s alright and that “I had hit the nail on the head.” We talked about our lives and it was clear that I had made the right decision to pull away from Mick as best as I could. How crazy to see that everything that I thought about him was true. Trust your instincts readers and pray for those people that you know are just no good for you.

Mick shared the terrible path that his life had taken. Alcohol and cocaine dependence had taken hold of his life for many years. A terrible divorce and estrangement from his son ensued. Although he made a good living and owned a business for ten years, he spent all his money on drugs. He had lived in the west village of NYC during that awful time. When he wanted to get clean he decided to make a new life for himself in the Catskills region of New York State. He bought a piece of land and started a journey back to the land.

He put up a pre-fabricated house and embellished it with carpentry work he expertly did. He wanted his new life to include a new wife but his relationship skills had not improved at all. So, in this desire he was continually frustrated. That day, I spoke to Mick about how my faith in Jesus Christ had made me everything that I am. I told him to seek first the kingdom of heaven and all of its righteousness and that everything that he was looking for would make a lot more sense. 

He seemed to drink this message in like a sponge to water. He told me of a Christian Pastor that he had met some time ago who had invited him to breakfast. He had not taken him up on that offer but, now Mick assured me that he wanted to phone him and arrange a meeting. Mick indeed followed up and had breakfast a few times with a bible-believing Pastor. He started to attend church and read his bible.

It appeared that he was just holding on by a thread. I asked myself where was God in his travails. Mick seemed to think it was all up to him and he was trying as hard as he could but somehow he never seemed to tap into that precious freedom that you get when you “let go, and let God.” I believe he learned that saying at his frequent Alcoholics Anonymous meetings but somehow he couldn’t let go of the control. A few years after our meeting, there was a lapse back into drugs, and some casual sexual encounters. 

What am I feeling now?  I feel that Mick lived less than the life that God had for him because he did not choose what was right. A mixture of thoughts and images of the innocence in our relationship have crossed my mind. I believe that he was a sex addict yet, he accepted that within my Christian walk we could not have this union without marriage. I knew from day one that I could not allow myself to follow him into certain spiritual death as Adam did follow Eve when he chose to take a bite of that apple. 

Mick left a string of broken hearts behind him, including mine. Now looking back, I can see that God’s way was the right way. You  can not go by every feeling that you may have but, instead must choose godly actions. It is a constant battle. God bless you!

* the names are changed but the facts are true.

Post Roe v. Wade

Many of us are celebrating the news that the Supreme Court of the United States has overturned Roe v. Wade. From the moment that the news was leaked that the Supreme Court was considering the idea that the Roe v. Wade decision was unconstitutional, death threats and violence erupted targeting the Supreme Court justices and pro-life centers. The intimidation factor was huge even targeting one of the justices young children. 

Violence and mayhem have continued unabated since the leak proved to be true and the Supreme Court did indeed strike down this unconstitutional stance against unborn babies. Anarchy, non-stop cursing and screaming surrounds every protest march. Firebombs and threats abound. The truth is out. The democrats and their supporters are every bit the storm-troopers that they accuse the conservatives of being. There is something more however, if you have the moral courage to look at what has just unfolded and will continue to unfold in the aftermath of this decision, you will get a glimpse of pure evil.

I don’t suggest that you examine this topic without first praying. When hell is breaking loose, you can not stand against it without the God of angel armies, and your banner in war standing before you. Only the lamb is worthy and can face, has faced, and will face pure evil. It is through Jesus that we are delivered from evil. 

I hardly thought my first blog post reflecting upon Roe v. Wade would be going in the direction that it is now leaning toward. I actually thought that I would be discussing the actual victory for our most precious gifts which are our children. I thought that I would discuss how all our lives began at our conception. I even thought that I might be discussing state versus federal laws and the United States constitution.

But, all that is too logical. Why should I bring in the question of right and wrong for our lives and the legal foundation that has served this country so well? Today, those questions do not seem germane to most people’s lives. Rather, it is what pithy saying they can put on a piece of wood to display at home or what they can display on their social media page to seem relevant. It Is all about what serves people at the moment (in a situational ethics sort of way). “He is not Mr. Right, he is just Mr. Right Now.” For a society that believes that, it is not a huge stretch to think that a dear wee baby is either situationally good or bad, rather than focus on the childs’ personhood.

The political movement for so-called abortion rights is dehumanizing and morally baseless. Logical debates, or allowing people to vote their beliefs are out of the question for this gang of thugs. Instead, a reign of terror has ensued and continues to this day. The choice of tactics that abortionists choose are important to contemplate because, it tells us almost everything that we need to know about this movement. 

The means by which you run your life, family and community matter. The way that you conduct your politics is a reflection of what you believe. It is okay to curse out your political opponent, put them out of business, or threaten them if you first begin with believing you should kill unborn babies. It is small potatoes to do that in fact. 

As a Christian, we have to know that God does not call us to such tactics. No, far from it! At times, there is a part of me that wishes I could fight back and give them a little bit of what they are dishing out. But, then, I remember that Peter was moved to fight to protect Jesus when the soldiers were coming to unjustly arrest him. Peter succeeded in cutting the ear off a Roman soldier. 

Yet, Jesus healed the man and Peter went on, with our Lord’s guidance, to do greater things than fight with weapons. Much greater things in the spiritual realm. We must fight for what is right but the means by which we do that shows who and what we believe. The other thing that we must watch for is lying to move our political agenda forward or to achieve our goals. Not okay. 

The opponents of the “right to life” movement are trying to work their constituents into a frenzy. Upping the rhetoric and even telling lies to do that. Each state will have a chance to decide their own fate as regards this issue. The people will have a chance to voice their opinions and vote for the kind of place they want their state to be. Freedom does mean we have the freedom to follow God or reject his holy and good teachings. 

Can we get a fair vote in the next United States elections in the fall? I am not so sure. If we can then, voters will have an opportunity to vote on this issue and many other life and death issues facing the United States and the world in the fall.