For some, their purpose for attending Church, is not what it would seem. A Church is a place of worship, fellowship and learning. A place of healing where miracles happen in people's lives as they come to know and grow in the knowledge and relationship of God. So, it should come as no surprise that we see people in varying stages of spiritual sickness and wellness in the congregation. I have talked a lot about that in my blog.
The Church is, or should be, a spiritual emergency room, not a phony-baloney holier than thou club. We should be fully equipped to deal with those souls in need of assistance, but often we are not. Instead of truth and a safety net, sometimes people feel stymied and afraid to be less than perfect in the Christian Church. They are afraid of people's judgement, or worse yet rejection and gossip! This is not how it should be. If you have felt this at a church then, that Church has departed from the message of the Bible.
There are churches out there, that are not equipped to help those struggling with lust, covetousness or addictions. Jesus came that we might be set free from sin and ungodliness. The Bible shows us that our changed life is a sign to others of Gods' power to transform the circumstance. So, if we are afraid to discuss the mess that we are in, and how God can change a life, we might as well take the CHURCH SIGN DOWN AND GO HOME. It is important that we as Christians lend a helping hand, and point one another to the Savior and His redemption.
But, as I have said before, there are some who enter through the Church doors who are not what they seem. They have a mindset that often requires a miracle to cure. The condition that they are afflicted with is called sociopathy. Estimates say that about one per cent of women and three per cent of men may suffer from this. On a practical level, that means that churches may assume that out of a hundred men and women in a congregation, that a handful of them may be effected by this problem.
Lies and Manipulation
Jill* was a beautiful 40 year old divorcée who had just moved to Westchester County from Syracuse, New York, to start a new life with her children. When she met Wayne*, it was the perfect storm. Wayne had recently went through a divorce himself and, in the process of searching for meaning in his life, he had come to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. As a new believer, he had quite a few things to learn. First of all, there is no such thing as missionary dating. That means that when you meet a person whom you might consider dating, the first thing that you should look for is that they are a fellow Christian. Secondly, he had not yet understood the biblical definition of a good woman. See Proverbs 31.
Although Wayne sincerely wanted to follow the Lord, he was flattered by all the attention Jill was giving him and all of the things she was doing for him. She moved right in with flattery, helpfulness and a whole lot of sexy. She even told him that she wanted to come to Church with him. This made him very happy. But, just because he was a Christian didn't mean that this relationship wasn't the blind leading the blind. This relationship moved very fast and pretty soon, they were married. It was then that Wayne's life took a dramatic turn for the worse.
Jill and Wayne moved into a million dollar home with an indoor swimming pool, and enough bedrooms to house all of their children but, this was not one big happy family. From the onset this marriage failed to thrive and had a myriad of issues. Those issues made Jill reach out to me one Sunday at the Church's coffee hour. She knew that I had done an intensive bible study program on marriage and wondered if I might come over for a cup of coffee and some prayer. I assented and came to visit Jill at her luxurious home. Jill and I sat down to coffee and scones in a drawing room reminiscent of a "Downton Abbey" setting. Jill was distraught and downright nervous as she regaled me with tales of her disasterous marriage.
The problems that she described were extreme. Some red flags went up for me immediately at that first conversation. Was she telling the truth? Was she in an abusive marriage or was this something else? I was unsure what was really going on but, as a Christian I wanted to be helpful in any case. She told me that her husband was a hypocrite, and the opposite of a godly Christian man. He did not want to support his stay at home wife and she had to beg him for money. According to her, he favored his children from his first marriage and was neither loving nor supportive of hers'. This part wasn't so far from the array of issues and feelings normally experienced in a blended family.
However, this was not all, according to Jill. Wayne's children told a child guardian that they did not want to sleep at their dad's home because of Jill. The judge agreed! Jill blamed Wayne's lazy spoiled daughters and their vindictive mother, who wanted to ruin her marriage, for all of these problems. She continued and explained that her husband blamed her for this and, in addition, for a fight that she had with his parents. She characterized his parents as terrible people. She told me that now that she had become a Christian, she wanted to save her marriage because she knows that is pleasing to God! That sounded good I thought.
But, I found out over time that saving a marriage for her meant getting her husband to fork over the dough for her lavish lifestyle and cutting everyone out of Wayne's life except her. At first, she told me that she thought the Church's marriage ministry could help them. I agreed that a great first step was to start their marriage off on the right foot by clarifying godly principles of family life. On my part, I sat down with her and studied bible verses which I thought could be helpful. Sometime later, Wayne and Jill began seeking help for their marriage through the Church.
Pretty soon, the Church Marriage Ministry was cracking under the pressure. It was creating factions on the Church team, something our faith cautions against. The Pastor and his wife even had a fight or two concerning this couple. The Marriage Ministry had never dealt with such deep and intense problems before. Realizing this, the Church recommended that Wayne and Jill see a Christian marriage therapist. For me, it appeared that a pattern was emerging. Wherever Jill went, trouble followed.
It only got worse. Fights at funerals, charges of stalking, anonymous letters and many ruined family activities. Every three months, either Wayne or Jill threatened to divorce one another. This was as dysfunctional as it got. The worst part was the damage that this did to the family, friends and children of this couple. It was making everyone sick. Wayne developed high blood pressure and suffered a mild stroke. I even believe that Jill's son had a resurgence of childhood asthma due to the extreme stress of his family situation.
I began to realize that I had come face to face with a sociopath! Jill had no friends, but she drew people to herself by playing on their sympathy. When they were not useful to her, she unceremoniously dumped them. She played the good wife and sacrificing mother but I saw evidence to the contrary. When Jill's mask would come down, I saw callous indifference to her son's asthma attack's and downright hatred for her husband's children. Evidence emerged of her trying to move money in her husband's financial accounts without his knowledge.
I also noticed that Jill always had to be the center of attention. It was absolutely beyond the pale to see the lengths that she would go to remain central, even creating drama if necessary. When her brother was receiving too much attention at his own engagement party, Jill seemed to pick a fight with him and seemed to purposely say things to embarrass him on his special day. Another time, at a party I threw, the adulation my cello playing friend was receiving seemed to be too much for Jill. So, in the middle of a Bach movement, she started to ask the musician a question. I quickly quieted her down, but honestly, who does that? She even said some very inappropriate things to a few Christian men that day.
Yet, even after all this, I fervently was hoping for a miracle to transform her life. I kept hoping for her to hear, that sermon or, apply that bible verse. She seemed miserable and unable or unwilling to make a change. Many people at Church shunned her. Even her own family had to keep their distance from her when she was at her worst. What is the truth about the "sociopath in your pew?" Are they responsible for what they do or are they just mentally ill? Her brother told me that Jill has never taken responsible for any of the awful things that she has done throughout her life and that she never ever says that she is sorry! How chilling is that? Lack of remorse is one of the characteristics of a sociopath. How can salvation be available to an individual who seems absolutely incapable of repentance? Is she beyond prayer or a miracle? What steps must a church take to treat people humanely and still effectively contain a situation so that it does not jeopardize the proper function of a congregation?
Sociopaths exist in our family, church and place of employment. We must try to follow God in the midst of the challenges they pose. Only with our focus on the Lord can we have patience, hope and love. It is important that we not get caught up in their drama and manipulations. If it seems crazy, it is crazy. Don't doubt your gut instinct. If a person seems unstable we can pray for them, and offer godly advise. But, do not give them personal information that they may use to hurt you or other Church members. Do not give them money thinking that this is Christian charity. Jill asked me for a loan using her engagement ring as collateral. She kept that ring in a vault. So, I asked her to produce the ring, so that I could have it appraised. When I said that, she quickly backed off her request. She was looking for a patsy, not a responsible exchange of money. It is better to confront a sociopath directly. So, maybe not kick them out of church but give them a choice of following godly personal conduct standards and choosing to be part of the Body of Christ. If they are trying to pull a con, chances are knowing that you are on to them, would make them choose to leave. As Christians, let us live in prayer and hope that any person may come to know Jesus and change their ways.
Next Week: Groping, what Is This Hollywood?
* the names and some details are changed.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Friday, November 17, 2017
All Under One Roof
There are times when it is a good idea for you to move in with your family. It may not be what you want but it's a good idea. Maybe you are unable to work because of a health problem. Perhaps the business that you started failed and left you in a financial hole. Can't get a job after graduation? These might all be reasons to consider moving in with family. There are many more reasons that it might be feasible. But, often people view moving in with their family as a negative. They fear loss of privacy and independence. They are afraid of old sibling rivalries or family discord popping up. This post will cover some of the positives.
DIVORCE
Tony's* life hit the skids after his divorce. The money spent on legal bills hit him hard, not to mention the cost of renting a new place. The rents have gone way up here in Westchester County since he and his wife first rented a place seventeen years ago. Since she got to remain in their apartment as part of the divorce agreement, that meant Tony would have to find a new place. This was proving much more difficult than Tony originally thought.
Tony grew up in a large Italian family in a middle class section of Yonkers, New York. He had lost touch with many of those family members and friends after his marriage to Maria*. Maria had preferred the more refined company of friends in their ********** community. She looked down upon their treks to the old neighborhood. But, since Tony and Maria's marital problems began, those friends in the new neighborhood hadn't wanted anything to do with Tony. His downward financial spiral seemed to diminish their affection for him. However, there was someone who had been praying for him all along. Someone who had tried to keep in touch with Tony despite being ignored by him over the years. That was his Uncle Al. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgives you-Colossians 3:13.
Tony had fond childhood memories of pasta e fagiole and canolis over at Uncle Al and Aunt Fran's house. Uncle Al and Aunt Fran always took him to see Yankees games and to the beach in the summer. When Aunt Fran died, Tony couldn't handle his Uncle's grief. His depression at the death of his beloved wife just seemed to get worse and worse until he could barely leave the house. Then something happened. A local merchant made a condolscense call and dropped off a basket of food and shared his faith in Jesus Christ.
Uncle Al gradually started to heal from his grief as he embraced his new-found faith in Jesus. As glad as Tony was to see his Uncle happy again, he wasn't so sure how he felt about this new Uncle Al. The old jokes that Uncle Al and Tony shared didn't seem to fly with Uncle Al anymore, and why was Uncle Al always at Church or studying the Bible? Yet, at this critical junction in his life, he didn't have many options. So, when Uncle Al called him up and invited him over for coffee and cannolis, Tony was inclined to accept.
UNPLANNED PREGNANCY
In Aphrodite's* case, it seemed that her mother's advise against moving in with Dante*, her high school sweetheart, was right. So, how was she going to find the courage to tell her mother that Dante was now incarcerated on a drug dealing charge, she is pregnant with his child, and doesn't have a job or a place to live? That is where she was at when I first met Aphrodite. She was afraid and alone and in need of some courage. She walked in the door of a bible study that I was attending one evening looking like a little, lost, sheep. My son, keep your father's command and do not forsake your mother's teaching-Proverbs 6:20.
She came straight to the point and shared her story with anyone who was willing to listen. She was desperate and in need of help and all she could think of was to come to a Church. What a great instinct she had that night. We talked through her problems and shared some biblical insight. We role-played the conversation she might have with her mother as she explained her situation. She joined our bible study that night.
SOLUTIONS
In both of the above cases reconnecting with family was a meaningful step on the road to recovery. Both Aphrodite and Tony moved back home with family. It was a great way to save money and work through family issues that had never been resolved. Uncle Al needed help around the house and Tony was able to assist him. Tony realized who really loved him and how snobby he had once been. He has even gone to church a few times and reconnected with some old friends. We love because He first loved us-1 John 4:19.
Aphrodite had to learn to be humble. She has apologized to her mother for her past rebellion. Having been out there trying to make it on her own has given Aphrodite a new-found respect for all her mother was able to accomplish. Moving home has allowed Aphrodite the opportunity to be able to go back to school. Her mother takes care of her grandson while she is in class. Aphrodite has continued to attend bible study. She still struggles with trying to understand God's plan for marriage. So we, though many are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another-Romans12:5
DIVORCE
Tony's* life hit the skids after his divorce. The money spent on legal bills hit him hard, not to mention the cost of renting a new place. The rents have gone way up here in Westchester County since he and his wife first rented a place seventeen years ago. Since she got to remain in their apartment as part of the divorce agreement, that meant Tony would have to find a new place. This was proving much more difficult than Tony originally thought.
Tony grew up in a large Italian family in a middle class section of Yonkers, New York. He had lost touch with many of those family members and friends after his marriage to Maria*. Maria had preferred the more refined company of friends in their ********** community. She looked down upon their treks to the old neighborhood. But, since Tony and Maria's marital problems began, those friends in the new neighborhood hadn't wanted anything to do with Tony. His downward financial spiral seemed to diminish their affection for him. However, there was someone who had been praying for him all along. Someone who had tried to keep in touch with Tony despite being ignored by him over the years. That was his Uncle Al. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgives you-Colossians 3:13.
Tony had fond childhood memories of pasta e fagiole and canolis over at Uncle Al and Aunt Fran's house. Uncle Al and Aunt Fran always took him to see Yankees games and to the beach in the summer. When Aunt Fran died, Tony couldn't handle his Uncle's grief. His depression at the death of his beloved wife just seemed to get worse and worse until he could barely leave the house. Then something happened. A local merchant made a condolscense call and dropped off a basket of food and shared his faith in Jesus Christ.
Uncle Al gradually started to heal from his grief as he embraced his new-found faith in Jesus. As glad as Tony was to see his Uncle happy again, he wasn't so sure how he felt about this new Uncle Al. The old jokes that Uncle Al and Tony shared didn't seem to fly with Uncle Al anymore, and why was Uncle Al always at Church or studying the Bible? Yet, at this critical junction in his life, he didn't have many options. So, when Uncle Al called him up and invited him over for coffee and cannolis, Tony was inclined to accept.
UNPLANNED PREGNANCY
In Aphrodite's* case, it seemed that her mother's advise against moving in with Dante*, her high school sweetheart, was right. So, how was she going to find the courage to tell her mother that Dante was now incarcerated on a drug dealing charge, she is pregnant with his child, and doesn't have a job or a place to live? That is where she was at when I first met Aphrodite. She was afraid and alone and in need of some courage. She walked in the door of a bible study that I was attending one evening looking like a little, lost, sheep. My son, keep your father's command and do not forsake your mother's teaching-Proverbs 6:20.
She came straight to the point and shared her story with anyone who was willing to listen. She was desperate and in need of help and all she could think of was to come to a Church. What a great instinct she had that night. We talked through her problems and shared some biblical insight. We role-played the conversation she might have with her mother as she explained her situation. She joined our bible study that night.
SOLUTIONS
In both of the above cases reconnecting with family was a meaningful step on the road to recovery. Both Aphrodite and Tony moved back home with family. It was a great way to save money and work through family issues that had never been resolved. Uncle Al needed help around the house and Tony was able to assist him. Tony realized who really loved him and how snobby he had once been. He has even gone to church a few times and reconnected with some old friends. We love because He first loved us-1 John 4:19.
Aphrodite had to learn to be humble. She has apologized to her mother for her past rebellion. Having been out there trying to make it on her own has given Aphrodite a new-found respect for all her mother was able to accomplish. Moving home has allowed Aphrodite the opportunity to be able to go back to school. Her mother takes care of her grandson while she is in class. Aphrodite has continued to attend bible study. She still struggles with trying to understand God's plan for marriage. So we, though many are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another-Romans12:5
Friday, November 3, 2017
Idols In Your Home
One of the Ten Commandments admonishes us not to make "graven images." Indeed, there is a theme in the Bible connecting idols to the worship of false gods. But do you know what that means in your life? I remember reading my First Children's Bible which alerted me to the fact that : one should not make or have graven images. As I looked around the bourgeois living room of my childhood, I got to wondering if God prohibited my mother's little collection of statutes in that room. The mini statue of Le Penseur (The Thinker) by Rodin procured in a museum which inspired me to think deeply, was that a graven image? What about her statue's of birds from around the world? Or, even my mothers kitschy collection of peasant children reminding one of pastoral European times of old?
In my child's mind, this commandment confused me for quite some time. Did the Bible prohibit me from taking that High School sculptor class? What about the viewing of the Egyptian collection of gods at the Metropolitan Museum? All these questions percolated in my mind and, as time went by, and life unfolded, I slowly started to see what an idol really was. I started to be aware of the many things which I might be tempted to do which would lead me away from God, and idols were a part of that.
I started to realize that it was not my mother's statue of a humming bird which would be an afront to God but putting things ahead of God. Not giving Him (God) the place in my life that He deserved was the affront to God! Of course, it is a little more complicated than that. After all, the Bible wouldn't have so many verses concerning idolatry if it were a simple matter. Let's look at a few of those verses and see what we can learn. The first goes back to God's giving of the Law. In Exodus 20:3-5a it says : you shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image-any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them.
My first thought is that the giving of the commandments is essentially God addressing our human condition and trying to improve it. If we weren't idol-makers than we wouldn't need this commandment. John Calvin, the Reformation Theologian said it well,"the human heart so to speak, is a perpetual forge of idols." Thinking of this John Calvin quote brings to mind the story of how God's chosen people (the Jews) fashioned a golden calf to worship when Moses was busy conducting godly business. Was it the lack of leadership at that moment that caused the people to sin? Or was it, that as Calvin stated, a perpetual temptation that we must face?
The second verse that I would like to look at is a few chapters from this last quote. In Exodus 25:18 we see God giving specifications for the construction of the Ark of the Testimony. God says, "And you shall make two cherubim of gold; of hammered work you shall make them at the two ends of the mercy seat." A cursory look at this verse might lead one to think that God contradicts Himself. Didn't God just tell us in Exodus 20 not to make images of things in heaven above? The message here clearly is not the carved image but the investment of power and authority over my life which I might give things.
Think that you don't have to worry because you don't make any graven images that you bow down to worship? Think again. I used to read from the book of Judges and think how foolish the Israelites were as they went through cycles of sin and repentance. Until it dawned on me that I did the same thing. Isn't it dawning on you too? As I thought about writing this post, I spoke to people and asked them what have been some of the idols in their life? Here are some of their answers:
1. My relationship (woman, man, child)
2. Sports
3. Entertainment (movies,T.V. or music)
4. Partying
5. Buddha
6. My Career
7. My car
8. Sex
9. Drugs
10. Politics
11.My i-phone and electronics
12.Crystals and stones
Just as the ancient Hebrew nation melted down their golden jewelry and something was fashioned by it, if we put all the things that you value together what would it all add up to? A golden calf of sorts perhaps? The topic of idolatry is important and can impact your relationship with God. In Ezekiel 36:25 God says, Then will I sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Idols are something that separate us from God and we have to be cleansed from them.
Further, in the last verse of The First Epistle of John we are explicitedly warned to guard against idols. Little children, keep yourselves from idols. This Apostle who is described, as "the one whom Jesus loved," had a special closeness to our Lord and is certainly in a position to guide and direct us in such matters. In Colossians 3:5 we learn, that it is necessary to " put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication,uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry."
Ask yourself what things in the above list you may be devoting your life to in an inordinate way. The Bible tells us to "seek ye first the kingdom of heaven." When we put God first, everything else kind of falls into place. We have more holy relationships. We understand what money is and what it is not. We don't live for and through television, movies or music. We enjoy times of good clean fun. (And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him - Colossians 3:17)
In my child's mind, this commandment confused me for quite some time. Did the Bible prohibit me from taking that High School sculptor class? What about the viewing of the Egyptian collection of gods at the Metropolitan Museum? All these questions percolated in my mind and, as time went by, and life unfolded, I slowly started to see what an idol really was. I started to be aware of the many things which I might be tempted to do which would lead me away from God, and idols were a part of that.
I started to realize that it was not my mother's statue of a humming bird which would be an afront to God but putting things ahead of God. Not giving Him (God) the place in my life that He deserved was the affront to God! Of course, it is a little more complicated than that. After all, the Bible wouldn't have so many verses concerning idolatry if it were a simple matter. Let's look at a few of those verses and see what we can learn. The first goes back to God's giving of the Law. In Exodus 20:3-5a it says : you shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image-any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them.
My first thought is that the giving of the commandments is essentially God addressing our human condition and trying to improve it. If we weren't idol-makers than we wouldn't need this commandment. John Calvin, the Reformation Theologian said it well,"the human heart so to speak, is a perpetual forge of idols." Thinking of this John Calvin quote brings to mind the story of how God's chosen people (the Jews) fashioned a golden calf to worship when Moses was busy conducting godly business. Was it the lack of leadership at that moment that caused the people to sin? Or was it, that as Calvin stated, a perpetual temptation that we must face?
The second verse that I would like to look at is a few chapters from this last quote. In Exodus 25:18 we see God giving specifications for the construction of the Ark of the Testimony. God says, "And you shall make two cherubim of gold; of hammered work you shall make them at the two ends of the mercy seat." A cursory look at this verse might lead one to think that God contradicts Himself. Didn't God just tell us in Exodus 20 not to make images of things in heaven above? The message here clearly is not the carved image but the investment of power and authority over my life which I might give things.
Think that you don't have to worry because you don't make any graven images that you bow down to worship? Think again. I used to read from the book of Judges and think how foolish the Israelites were as they went through cycles of sin and repentance. Until it dawned on me that I did the same thing. Isn't it dawning on you too? As I thought about writing this post, I spoke to people and asked them what have been some of the idols in their life? Here are some of their answers:
1. My relationship (woman, man, child)
2. Sports
3. Entertainment (movies,T.V. or music)
4. Partying
5. Buddha
6. My Career
7. My car
8. Sex
9. Drugs
10. Politics
11.My i-phone and electronics
12.Crystals and stones
Just as the ancient Hebrew nation melted down their golden jewelry and something was fashioned by it, if we put all the things that you value together what would it all add up to? A golden calf of sorts perhaps? The topic of idolatry is important and can impact your relationship with God. In Ezekiel 36:25 God says, Then will I sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Idols are something that separate us from God and we have to be cleansed from them.
Further, in the last verse of The First Epistle of John we are explicitedly warned to guard against idols. Little children, keep yourselves from idols. This Apostle who is described, as "the one whom Jesus loved," had a special closeness to our Lord and is certainly in a position to guide and direct us in such matters. In Colossians 3:5 we learn, that it is necessary to " put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication,uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry."
Ask yourself what things in the above list you may be devoting your life to in an inordinate way. The Bible tells us to "seek ye first the kingdom of heaven." When we put God first, everything else kind of falls into place. We have more holy relationships. We understand what money is and what it is not. We don't live for and through television, movies or music. We enjoy times of good clean fun. (And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him - Colossians 3:17)
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