Many are moving from New York City to places like Westchester County, New York. This is in large part due to COVID-19, and the anarchy descending upon the City of New York. As I take stock and look at the occurrences in the great metropolis of NYC, they are not unlike the descriptions of biblical judgements in the Bible. A lot of Christians and a lot of churches don't want to think about the big pink elephant in the room. That being, do natural events and manmade events put together serve as justice meted out upon wickedness by God?
Some churches won't discuss this because they think this makes God look mean. What kind of a God would allow or provoke an incident like COVID-19? Even without COVID-19 those same churches struggle with many passages in the Bible. Those passages where people are taken into captivity or even die as punishment for their sins. I know people who spend a lot of their energy focused on trying to fix God's image for that. Re-branding God so to speak, like God was some sort of politician they are trying to get elected!
Another thing that is part of the massive pink elephant hindering discussion of judgement is the battle raging by atheists that science now explains all the biblical occurrences, such as the pestilence in Egypt and the subsequent parting of the Red Sea. If you bring up the concept of judgement in the pulpit or a bible study, then those in the group espousing such notions will bring on the debate. Are Christians afraid of this debate or even capable of waging it and standing up for the truth of the Bible? Do we even know the truth of the Bible?
These are the sorts of questions that I ask myself as I deal with the truth of my New York. I say my New York because, I was born and raised here. As a teenager and college student New York City was my playground. I met my husband in Manhattan. We were married there. While New York has experienced ups and downs throughout the years, it has never been this low. It had world famous museums, broadway shows, great restaurants, and talented people from many fields of study. Sadly, all these institutions have been drifting away from all they could be and once were. This is due to the perverted and ungodly philosophies that have taken hold here.
If you take a short drive from Westchester County to NYC these days you will see unhygienic piles of garbage everywhere. Where garbage piles exist, rats can’t be far behind. The situation isn’t likely to change any time soon since the sanitation budget has been cut. Speaking of budget cuts, we all know about the police budget being cut by a billion dollars. When there is not enough police in New York City, the truth of who its' citizens are comes to light.
No doubt a police force is necessary in this sin-ridden world. However, it should not be all that keeps a city in order. It should be the knowledge of how we are to conduct ourselves. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors goods. Thou shalt not kill. These moral values given so long ago to Moses from God upon Mount Zion should prevail. Further, a community should be prepared to stand up for what is right. But, it has been a long, long time since New York City was a place that God's moral law was cherished. The anarchists, criminals and mentally challenged have now taken over the city.
The culture and spiritual battles that are convulsing our world are front and center in New York City. This city has been in the forefront of many trends both good and bad. Right now, bad is winning. People are screaming obscenities on street corners for seemingly no reason. The political groups that are protesting around the city are foul-mouthed and violent. They left the city filthy, littered and brought financial destruction wherever they have been.
People are openly injecting themselves with drugs in midtown Manhattan. There are people sexually pleasuring themselves as children are getting wheeled by in their carriages. Don't you think this sounds a lot like Sodom and Gomorrah? We know that God destroyed them for their immorality. So, why is it a shock that there might be consequences for how bad things have become? Even the laws of physics tells us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. God has sent us the prophets, the Bible and a Savior. It is up to us to run with that ball.
A poignant passage which illustrates both our sin problem and Jesus' sorrow for our fallen state is in Matthew 23:37- O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets and stonest them who are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses. As we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, amen.
Sunday, August 23, 2020
Tuesday, August 18, 2020
The Pastor's Wife
What is the role of the Pastor's wife in the Ministry of a church? Well, the Catholic clergy does not get married so they don't have to answer that question. Although, that predicament presents a whole other host of questions. "I feel another blog post coming on, or perhaps, a blog post series."
Let's look at some answers to that question and see how they have worked out for some churches here in Westchester County, New York. The first answer that I have seen implemented is that She Has No Role. I think the logic of that seems to go along the lines of, if your husband is a computer programmer does that mean that you have the ability to program code too? No, of course not. So why would a Pastor's wife have a special role other than that of any other congregant in a church? So, if the Pastors wife sang, she would join a choir no different than you or I might do if that is how God equipped us to contribute to our faith community.
The problem that I have seen with this model is that for better or worst, people impart a significance to the wife of a Pastor and often look to her for guidance or leadership. They often, as in Church A, feel that, if the pastors wife suggests a course of action that it has a special gravitas to it. Pastor's wife A, suggested a bible study book for the church youth that a number of the other youth ministers did not like. If it was you or I suggesting that book, it would have been discussed and thrown out with good theological basis sooner rather than later. But, at Church A some in the youth ministry leadership were practically casting lots to see who would tell this to the Pastor's wife. On the other hand, a few Pastor's wives that I know have suggested that the Church A model has given them maximum flexibility in their professional life.
Now Church B has the opposite approach. This church feels as if a Pastor's family Marries Into The Ministry, especially the Pastor's wife. The Pastor's wife should have her hand in all of the ministries. In this case, Chelsea* was not up to the role that had been prescribed for her. She happened to have a lovely singing voice and sang in the choir. She showed up at many Ministry events to show support. One day, she approached me and told me she would be starting a women's bible study soon and asked me if I would come. What could I say but, yes.
I had the distinct feeling that Chelsea was giving this the hard sell. I felt a little pressured to attend. After all, I didn't want the Pastor's wife to be mad at me. I already attended another bible study at a more convenient time. However, I love to study the Bible so I made the decision to throw myself into the series that she was hosting. A huge problem emerged almost immediately. I can't believed I am going to tell the truth y'all but, it was the worst bible study that I have ever attended in my entire life.
You name it and it was a problem. She was ill prepared for the topic at hand. When questions emerged she was ill-equipped to reply to them. Even the most basic Christian 101 questions were a problem for her. I think that she knew the Bible much better than she indicated that day. She was just not a teacher of it. I was shocked. But what shocked me the most was everyone's reaction to it in the room. Have you ever heard of the children's story entitled, The Emperor's New Clothes? It tells the story of people unwilling to tell the truth concerning what a certain Emperor was wearing.
Every week, less and less women attended this Bible study series. I could see that Chelsea felt humiliated and frustrated. I thought about leaving too but kept hoping things would turn around. But, the straw that broke the camels back for me was when a women reached out for help during a bible study. She was asking for biblical advice and clarity for future decisions she needed to make. These issues were important. They concerned sexuality and even the role of the church in her elderly Christian mother's life.
What came out of Chelsea's mouth was anything but biblical. In fact there was nothing Christian about it at all. Chelsea had shown a certain blind spot in her own Christian walk and she was misleading someone who really needed help. This is something not taken lightly in the Bible when it says, not many should teach. Needless to say that study very quietly got shut down.
I have also been at churches in Westchester County who subscribe to the First Lady Approach. I will call this approach, Church C. At one of those churches the Pastor's wife literally dressed like Jackie Kennedy every Sunday! She was quite a well-dressed women in the tradition of a United States Presidents wife. For a lot of U.S. History the role of the U.S. Presidents wife was hugely ceremonial. They were meant to enhance the image and standing of the President and the country.
While I have no doubt this woman loved the Lord, I did not see any other huge role besides what the U.S. Presidents wife traditionally did. She did not answer the phone at church. She was not a church greeter, and she did not head any Ministry nor participate in them as a member. She did not wash windows. She supported her husband spiritually and materially. That of course is an important job for any wife. However, in her case, she gave the appearance of supporting a V.I.P. He was either a U.S. President or a very important preacher.
There is a rigidity in certain churches to the question of the Pastor's wife role in their community. This seems to be the result of the traditions that have developed over the years. When we as Christians do things based on our own traditions, and not on the leading of God we can loose that brilliance that comes from being a Holy Spirit-filled church. When we recognize Jesus as the head of our Church, we soon realize that the anointing will go to those best suited for the various ministries of a church. The Bible tells us many stories of God’s approach. It frequently thwarts our goals, such as when Samuel the Prophet attempts to install his sons to replace him. Or, consider God’s anointing of King David over all the more traditional candidates. God’s ways are higher than ours. This frequently is reflected in unexpected choices and roles played out in the life of His Church.
* not her real name.
Let's look at some answers to that question and see how they have worked out for some churches here in Westchester County, New York. The first answer that I have seen implemented is that She Has No Role. I think the logic of that seems to go along the lines of, if your husband is a computer programmer does that mean that you have the ability to program code too? No, of course not. So why would a Pastor's wife have a special role other than that of any other congregant in a church? So, if the Pastors wife sang, she would join a choir no different than you or I might do if that is how God equipped us to contribute to our faith community.
The problem that I have seen with this model is that for better or worst, people impart a significance to the wife of a Pastor and often look to her for guidance or leadership. They often, as in Church A, feel that, if the pastors wife suggests a course of action that it has a special gravitas to it. Pastor's wife A, suggested a bible study book for the church youth that a number of the other youth ministers did not like. If it was you or I suggesting that book, it would have been discussed and thrown out with good theological basis sooner rather than later. But, at Church A some in the youth ministry leadership were practically casting lots to see who would tell this to the Pastor's wife. On the other hand, a few Pastor's wives that I know have suggested that the Church A model has given them maximum flexibility in their professional life.
Now Church B has the opposite approach. This church feels as if a Pastor's family Marries Into The Ministry, especially the Pastor's wife. The Pastor's wife should have her hand in all of the ministries. In this case, Chelsea* was not up to the role that had been prescribed for her. She happened to have a lovely singing voice and sang in the choir. She showed up at many Ministry events to show support. One day, she approached me and told me she would be starting a women's bible study soon and asked me if I would come. What could I say but, yes.
I had the distinct feeling that Chelsea was giving this the hard sell. I felt a little pressured to attend. After all, I didn't want the Pastor's wife to be mad at me. I already attended another bible study at a more convenient time. However, I love to study the Bible so I made the decision to throw myself into the series that she was hosting. A huge problem emerged almost immediately. I can't believed I am going to tell the truth y'all but, it was the worst bible study that I have ever attended in my entire life.
You name it and it was a problem. She was ill prepared for the topic at hand. When questions emerged she was ill-equipped to reply to them. Even the most basic Christian 101 questions were a problem for her. I think that she knew the Bible much better than she indicated that day. She was just not a teacher of it. I was shocked. But what shocked me the most was everyone's reaction to it in the room. Have you ever heard of the children's story entitled, The Emperor's New Clothes? It tells the story of people unwilling to tell the truth concerning what a certain Emperor was wearing.
Every week, less and less women attended this Bible study series. I could see that Chelsea felt humiliated and frustrated. I thought about leaving too but kept hoping things would turn around. But, the straw that broke the camels back for me was when a women reached out for help during a bible study. She was asking for biblical advice and clarity for future decisions she needed to make. These issues were important. They concerned sexuality and even the role of the church in her elderly Christian mother's life.
What came out of Chelsea's mouth was anything but biblical. In fact there was nothing Christian about it at all. Chelsea had shown a certain blind spot in her own Christian walk and she was misleading someone who really needed help. This is something not taken lightly in the Bible when it says, not many should teach. Needless to say that study very quietly got shut down.
I have also been at churches in Westchester County who subscribe to the First Lady Approach. I will call this approach, Church C. At one of those churches the Pastor's wife literally dressed like Jackie Kennedy every Sunday! She was quite a well-dressed women in the tradition of a United States Presidents wife. For a lot of U.S. History the role of the U.S. Presidents wife was hugely ceremonial. They were meant to enhance the image and standing of the President and the country.
While I have no doubt this woman loved the Lord, I did not see any other huge role besides what the U.S. Presidents wife traditionally did. She did not answer the phone at church. She was not a church greeter, and she did not head any Ministry nor participate in them as a member. She did not wash windows. She supported her husband spiritually and materially. That of course is an important job for any wife. However, in her case, she gave the appearance of supporting a V.I.P. He was either a U.S. President or a very important preacher.
There is a rigidity in certain churches to the question of the Pastor's wife role in their community. This seems to be the result of the traditions that have developed over the years. When we as Christians do things based on our own traditions, and not on the leading of God we can loose that brilliance that comes from being a Holy Spirit-filled church. When we recognize Jesus as the head of our Church, we soon realize that the anointing will go to those best suited for the various ministries of a church. The Bible tells us many stories of God’s approach. It frequently thwarts our goals, such as when Samuel the Prophet attempts to install his sons to replace him. Or, consider God’s anointing of King David over all the more traditional candidates. God’s ways are higher than ours. This frequently is reflected in unexpected choices and roles played out in the life of His Church.
* not her real name.
Tuesday, August 11, 2020
A Box of Chocolate
Macy* is an amazing woman. She has a huge and loving heart. She puts that heart into everything that she does for her friends, family and those in need. During the COVID-19 lockdown for instance, she worked to set up networks to get food to families in need and get it delivered. All this while her own husband and she were forced into an early retirement because of the widespread business shut-downs that have occurred. Macy sent me the most adorable pictures of the meals which she made and fun table decorations that she concocted in an effort to cheer her husband and children through the darkest COVID-19 moments.
My relationship with Macy went from one of those fun acquaintanceships complete with restaurant lunch dates (a few days before the official closing of all restaurants) to no contact except for texting and calls. The other day she telephoned me and we discussed getting together for a lunch date, now that things have begun to loosen up a bit. All these months later, we were finally planning a get-together. I was looking forward to that very much.
Macy and I exchanged pleasantries and started to catch up on each other's news as we anticipated our get-together. Sort of setting up preliminary guidelines for our next power lunch. It was at this time that she wanted to tell me about something that had been bothering her recently. It seems that Macy called up an old school chum who was now a big wig in the gourmet dessert business. She wanted to do something special for the food pantry that she had helped establish. She wished to explore putting a gourmet snack into the food bags. She naturally turned to Judith* to explore this option.
She got in touch with Judith and explained the project that she envisioned, and even offered to pay her for her time and materials. From what Macy said, it sounded like there was some questions from Judith immediately. Why are you putting dessert into a food pantry? Shouldn't you be making more nutritionally sound contributions to the families that you serve?
Macy was taken aback by these comments and felt Judith lacked insight into what she was trying to do. This made her feel bad. Of course she wants to put together a nutritionally well-balanced package
for the 40 families which she served, but did that preclude a cookie or chocolate bar now and then? Judith went on to explain in a back-handed way that she didn't need payment because her stuff is super expensive, so she'll just donate it. So, instead of using the finest ingredients she usually used, she told Macy that she was going to use imitation chocolate. Wow, way to give a special gift!
Be that as it may, the project got underway. Judith called Macy to see if she would like some apricots in her chocolate bars. Macy wasn't sure but would call Judith back after she checked with the people involved in distribution at the food pantry. Somehow from what I gathered Macy and Judith had some huge misunderstanding. When Macy called to say that apricots will not go over well at the food pantry apparently Judith already had bought the apricots and blamed Macy for making her buy them. What am I going to do with all these apricots Macy?
To make matters worse, she told me that Judith had broadcast the matter over Facebook! Then, in the next round, apparently they got into whether the recipients of the food pantry were legal citizens and then it further digressed into a political disagreement. I felt really sorry to hear that two old friends who should know better were jeopardizing a friendship over the things that transpired?
Macy really wanted me to take her side, even though I knew that I shouldn't. I wanted to be helpful in the situation, not prove that I am loyal by just agreeing with everything that she said. As I tried to make sense of what was eating Macy, I realized just how many times over the years that I have seen relationships sour after events just like this have occurred.
I have especially seen this occur in school, sport and church related situations. There are so many reasons why this happens. One big reason is that people should take a moment to think over a project before they decide to get involved. I know sometimes that we feel pressured to say yes when we really should say no. Sometimes, the church, school, or club is desperate for volunteers and they do try strong arm tactics. Other times, it can be because someone is a so-called people pleaser. Those sorts of folks feel they have to say yes or the person will be mad at them.
Whatever the reason is, it is ultimately our responsibility to complete that task if we have already said yes. I don't think it is virtue either to whine about it afterwards. Even if we wished we had said no, we should try to be mature about the whole thing and complete our task in a gracious way. That means serving with purpose and love.
In the future, maybe there is a lesson to learn. Such as, if it is not something that you can do or it is not a good time in your life to do it, then it is okay to say no. Say it as graciously as possible. Don't say yes if you already have a full plate of activities and do not say yes because you are on some kind of ego trip.
Also, realize anything you do will impinge upon your family. I don't struggle with this problem because I always tell people that I need to pray about it and go to my husband before I say yes to any activity. I believe this is a godly approach but, it also serves to slow me down so that I will more likely act with wisdom. There have been cases where my husband has foreseen a problem that I had not. So, get some advice on the matter.
Working together so closely, Macy and Judith got on each other's nerves apparently. No one works or acts exactly as we do and when we are thrown together on a project this is highlighted. Then, there are political differences which are tearing the fabric of society apart. Yet, three things stand out to me. 1. An old friendship is worth preserving. 2. Keeping the goal of helping the food pantry recipients in mind is important. 3. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people- Ephesians 6:7.
P.S. Westchester County, New York got hit with tropical storm Isaias. My electrical power was out for six hours. Macy also had no electricity. Besides the widespread power outages, there was damage to some property, downed trees and huge amounts of debris to cleanup in my vicinity and because of all this my lunch plans got canceled with Macy.
Macy reported that the chocolate bars that Judith made for the food pantry were wonderful. Isn't that important?
* the names have been changed but the story is true.
My relationship with Macy went from one of those fun acquaintanceships complete with restaurant lunch dates (a few days before the official closing of all restaurants) to no contact except for texting and calls. The other day she telephoned me and we discussed getting together for a lunch date, now that things have begun to loosen up a bit. All these months later, we were finally planning a get-together. I was looking forward to that very much.
Macy and I exchanged pleasantries and started to catch up on each other's news as we anticipated our get-together. Sort of setting up preliminary guidelines for our next power lunch. It was at this time that she wanted to tell me about something that had been bothering her recently. It seems that Macy called up an old school chum who was now a big wig in the gourmet dessert business. She wanted to do something special for the food pantry that she had helped establish. She wished to explore putting a gourmet snack into the food bags. She naturally turned to Judith* to explore this option.
She got in touch with Judith and explained the project that she envisioned, and even offered to pay her for her time and materials. From what Macy said, it sounded like there was some questions from Judith immediately. Why are you putting dessert into a food pantry? Shouldn't you be making more nutritionally sound contributions to the families that you serve?
Macy was taken aback by these comments and felt Judith lacked insight into what she was trying to do. This made her feel bad. Of course she wants to put together a nutritionally well-balanced package
for the 40 families which she served, but did that preclude a cookie or chocolate bar now and then? Judith went on to explain in a back-handed way that she didn't need payment because her stuff is super expensive, so she'll just donate it. So, instead of using the finest ingredients she usually used, she told Macy that she was going to use imitation chocolate. Wow, way to give a special gift!
Be that as it may, the project got underway. Judith called Macy to see if she would like some apricots in her chocolate bars. Macy wasn't sure but would call Judith back after she checked with the people involved in distribution at the food pantry. Somehow from what I gathered Macy and Judith had some huge misunderstanding. When Macy called to say that apricots will not go over well at the food pantry apparently Judith already had bought the apricots and blamed Macy for making her buy them. What am I going to do with all these apricots Macy?
To make matters worse, she told me that Judith had broadcast the matter over Facebook! Then, in the next round, apparently they got into whether the recipients of the food pantry were legal citizens and then it further digressed into a political disagreement. I felt really sorry to hear that two old friends who should know better were jeopardizing a friendship over the things that transpired?
Macy really wanted me to take her side, even though I knew that I shouldn't. I wanted to be helpful in the situation, not prove that I am loyal by just agreeing with everything that she said. As I tried to make sense of what was eating Macy, I realized just how many times over the years that I have seen relationships sour after events just like this have occurred.
I have especially seen this occur in school, sport and church related situations. There are so many reasons why this happens. One big reason is that people should take a moment to think over a project before they decide to get involved. I know sometimes that we feel pressured to say yes when we really should say no. Sometimes, the church, school, or club is desperate for volunteers and they do try strong arm tactics. Other times, it can be because someone is a so-called people pleaser. Those sorts of folks feel they have to say yes or the person will be mad at them.
Whatever the reason is, it is ultimately our responsibility to complete that task if we have already said yes. I don't think it is virtue either to whine about it afterwards. Even if we wished we had said no, we should try to be mature about the whole thing and complete our task in a gracious way. That means serving with purpose and love.
In the future, maybe there is a lesson to learn. Such as, if it is not something that you can do or it is not a good time in your life to do it, then it is okay to say no. Say it as graciously as possible. Don't say yes if you already have a full plate of activities and do not say yes because you are on some kind of ego trip.
Also, realize anything you do will impinge upon your family. I don't struggle with this problem because I always tell people that I need to pray about it and go to my husband before I say yes to any activity. I believe this is a godly approach but, it also serves to slow me down so that I will more likely act with wisdom. There have been cases where my husband has foreseen a problem that I had not. So, get some advice on the matter.
Working together so closely, Macy and Judith got on each other's nerves apparently. No one works or acts exactly as we do and when we are thrown together on a project this is highlighted. Then, there are political differences which are tearing the fabric of society apart. Yet, three things stand out to me. 1. An old friendship is worth preserving. 2. Keeping the goal of helping the food pantry recipients in mind is important. 3. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people- Ephesians 6:7.
P.S. Westchester County, New York got hit with tropical storm Isaias. My electrical power was out for six hours. Macy also had no electricity. Besides the widespread power outages, there was damage to some property, downed trees and huge amounts of debris to cleanup in my vicinity and because of all this my lunch plans got canceled with Macy.
Macy reported that the chocolate bars that Judith made for the food pantry were wonderful. Isn't that important?
* the names have been changed but the story is true.
Saturday, August 1, 2020
Healing Mother & Me
Lisa* called me for the umpteenth time today crying about her mother Sabine*. Add today to all the times over the years that she has called me in the same predicament and I would say she has a problem.
Lisa had a very rough childhood. From what she told me she had been adopted from an orphanage in China. She told me that she still remembers it. She was not the youngest to be adopted so she was old enough to remember images which haunt her in the night.
She was adopted, by her account, "by a stern and cold woman who used me as a servant throughout my childhood." It was heart-breaking to think this could be true! From what she has told me, she felt different from the other children at the schools that she attended and was pretty much a loner.
It was a dream of hers to go to nursing school with one of her goals being the profession that she felt suited for and the other to gain independence from her mother's control. I have never heard a nurse so compassionate about her patients as Lisa is. She truly cares about them and has not developed the calloused bedside manner that I often see.
When she met Chris* is was love at first sight. He was a warm, extroverted and nurturing man. In him, Lisa saw everything she was not and she felt the connection that she had always craved. Chris was the real deal too, not some phony. Chris was a committed Christian man who had given himself to the Lord at an early age and served at his church whenever he could.
Sabine did not approve of Chris from the beginning and gave Lisa a hard time when they decided to get engaged. She let up a little after the wedding and things seemed to be going okay for a while after their honeymoon. Lisa and Chris found a lovely apartment close to her job and close to the community in which she had grown up in and where her parents still lived in Westchester County, New York.
Lisa was madly in love with Chris. Every day was a joy for her and she couldn't wait to get home and spend time with him. Every day seemed brighter for her. And, as far as I am concerned, no one deserved it more than Lisa. Lisa was a giver, and it was nice to see her receiving in equal measure the love that she gave. She finally had someone on her side and this made her feel a little less weak in the knees with everything having to do with her mother.
In a short time, Lisa became pregnant and they had a baby girl whom they named Elizabeth.* Pretty quickly after that they had their second daughter Margot.* It was then that the problems arrived. Lisa's father became ill, her eldest daughter Elizabeth showed some signs of a learning disability and her husband's sales commissions started to dry up.
It was decided by her mother that Lisa needed to move home. Chris had to agree and was grateful that Sabine made the offer. Little did he really understand that it wasn't an offer for his approval but an order! I don't know why it creeped me out so much that they had to take up residence in her parents basement. The large, never remodeled, mid-century modern paneled basement was dark and dank to me. It was nothing like the well-lighted and airy upstairs quarters where her parents lived.
I met Lisa at a local church affiliated book club. She was so sweet and sensitive as she executed many a deep dive into our seasonal literary picks. Her insights were interesting and well-thought out. I admired her comments and I wanted to talk more about them so I invited her to coffee. From there we pretty quickly struck up a friendship and arranged weekly get-togethers. Over the years, we enjoyed the time that we had together when our kids were at school and we could relax with some coffee, and talk over life.
As I got closer to Lisa, I realized how strange her relationship with her mother appeared to be. She could be one way with me and then in one second turn to a quivering mess when her mother was there in person, on the phone, or texting. She seemed to have a default setting of child / servant. I didn't see any way that I could easily bring this up to her. She seemed very guarded on this topic until one day when I happened to be visiting and she got some bad news from the doctor about Elizabeth.
She was having allergy and infection issues which seem to point to living conditions in her basement apartment. Suddenly, this mother lion rose up to defend her little cub. I had never seen her so assertive. She realized her living situation needed to change for her daughter's sake. She told me that she doesn't know how she could financially manage it at this point but that she and her family had to move out!
When Chris heard the doctors report he agreed that they had to move too. After dinner and when the children were tucked into bed, Chris stated the news to Sabine. Sabine went berserk. How could you do this to Papa, he is sick and I need help. Chris told Sabine that they were not abandoning Papa and they would be close-by to pitch in. He also told her that they needed to take care of Elizabeths' health needs as well.
This was what Lisa was calling me crying about. She told me that her mother made her feel awful. Her mother asked them to leave her upstairs apartment and has given them the cold shoulder all week. She was at the end of her rope. She told me she never wanted to see her mother again. Furthermore, she didn't feel that her mother deserved any better. Lisa, had bottled a lot up over the years and now she had reached her breaking point.
I have to admit that this is one of the rare times that I had nothing to say. What could I say? Lisa was right about her mother. Indeed, from what I had seen, Sabine didn't deserved this lovely family. In addition, it was the first time that I had ever heard Lisa vent her anger against her mother. I thought that she just needed me to listen and give her a safe format to do that in. The hero of the story ended up to be Chris. Ever patient, and slow to anger in general, he put the breaks on Lisa's plans to cut her mother out of their lives.
He told Lisa he understood why she was so angry. He reminded her that the Bible says to "anger and sin not." He told her that it's okay to vent her anger but don't let her anger stir her to sin. He reminded her that God has told us to "honor our father and mother," and not just when it was convenient. If she chose to reject her mother she would be stepping into sin. He also told her that he was grateful that while not being the best of mothers that her situation was far better than her orphanage had been. He was also personally grateful for all Sabine had done to help them save money while he was experiencing the loss of commissions.
The story ended with Sabine apologizing and asking the family to move upstairs. Most surprising of all, Sabine announced she would try to do better. They chose to accept that offer. From that day on, Sabine and Lisa have taken a small but significant step forward in their relationship. That step I call, Healing Mother and Me.
* the names have been changed to protect identity.
Lisa had a very rough childhood. From what she told me she had been adopted from an orphanage in China. She told me that she still remembers it. She was not the youngest to be adopted so she was old enough to remember images which haunt her in the night.
She was adopted, by her account, "by a stern and cold woman who used me as a servant throughout my childhood." It was heart-breaking to think this could be true! From what she has told me, she felt different from the other children at the schools that she attended and was pretty much a loner.
It was a dream of hers to go to nursing school with one of her goals being the profession that she felt suited for and the other to gain independence from her mother's control. I have never heard a nurse so compassionate about her patients as Lisa is. She truly cares about them and has not developed the calloused bedside manner that I often see.
When she met Chris* is was love at first sight. He was a warm, extroverted and nurturing man. In him, Lisa saw everything she was not and she felt the connection that she had always craved. Chris was the real deal too, not some phony. Chris was a committed Christian man who had given himself to the Lord at an early age and served at his church whenever he could.
Sabine did not approve of Chris from the beginning and gave Lisa a hard time when they decided to get engaged. She let up a little after the wedding and things seemed to be going okay for a while after their honeymoon. Lisa and Chris found a lovely apartment close to her job and close to the community in which she had grown up in and where her parents still lived in Westchester County, New York.
Lisa was madly in love with Chris. Every day was a joy for her and she couldn't wait to get home and spend time with him. Every day seemed brighter for her. And, as far as I am concerned, no one deserved it more than Lisa. Lisa was a giver, and it was nice to see her receiving in equal measure the love that she gave. She finally had someone on her side and this made her feel a little less weak in the knees with everything having to do with her mother.
In a short time, Lisa became pregnant and they had a baby girl whom they named Elizabeth.* Pretty quickly after that they had their second daughter Margot.* It was then that the problems arrived. Lisa's father became ill, her eldest daughter Elizabeth showed some signs of a learning disability and her husband's sales commissions started to dry up.
It was decided by her mother that Lisa needed to move home. Chris had to agree and was grateful that Sabine made the offer. Little did he really understand that it wasn't an offer for his approval but an order! I don't know why it creeped me out so much that they had to take up residence in her parents basement. The large, never remodeled, mid-century modern paneled basement was dark and dank to me. It was nothing like the well-lighted and airy upstairs quarters where her parents lived.
I met Lisa at a local church affiliated book club. She was so sweet and sensitive as she executed many a deep dive into our seasonal literary picks. Her insights were interesting and well-thought out. I admired her comments and I wanted to talk more about them so I invited her to coffee. From there we pretty quickly struck up a friendship and arranged weekly get-togethers. Over the years, we enjoyed the time that we had together when our kids were at school and we could relax with some coffee, and talk over life.
As I got closer to Lisa, I realized how strange her relationship with her mother appeared to be. She could be one way with me and then in one second turn to a quivering mess when her mother was there in person, on the phone, or texting. She seemed to have a default setting of child / servant. I didn't see any way that I could easily bring this up to her. She seemed very guarded on this topic until one day when I happened to be visiting and she got some bad news from the doctor about Elizabeth.
She was having allergy and infection issues which seem to point to living conditions in her basement apartment. Suddenly, this mother lion rose up to defend her little cub. I had never seen her so assertive. She realized her living situation needed to change for her daughter's sake. She told me that she doesn't know how she could financially manage it at this point but that she and her family had to move out!
When Chris heard the doctors report he agreed that they had to move too. After dinner and when the children were tucked into bed, Chris stated the news to Sabine. Sabine went berserk. How could you do this to Papa, he is sick and I need help. Chris told Sabine that they were not abandoning Papa and they would be close-by to pitch in. He also told her that they needed to take care of Elizabeths' health needs as well.
This was what Lisa was calling me crying about. She told me that her mother made her feel awful. Her mother asked them to leave her upstairs apartment and has given them the cold shoulder all week. She was at the end of her rope. She told me she never wanted to see her mother again. Furthermore, she didn't feel that her mother deserved any better. Lisa, had bottled a lot up over the years and now she had reached her breaking point.
I have to admit that this is one of the rare times that I had nothing to say. What could I say? Lisa was right about her mother. Indeed, from what I had seen, Sabine didn't deserved this lovely family. In addition, it was the first time that I had ever heard Lisa vent her anger against her mother. I thought that she just needed me to listen and give her a safe format to do that in. The hero of the story ended up to be Chris. Ever patient, and slow to anger in general, he put the breaks on Lisa's plans to cut her mother out of their lives.
He told Lisa he understood why she was so angry. He reminded her that the Bible says to "anger and sin not." He told her that it's okay to vent her anger but don't let her anger stir her to sin. He reminded her that God has told us to "honor our father and mother," and not just when it was convenient. If she chose to reject her mother she would be stepping into sin. He also told her that he was grateful that while not being the best of mothers that her situation was far better than her orphanage had been. He was also personally grateful for all Sabine had done to help them save money while he was experiencing the loss of commissions.
The story ended with Sabine apologizing and asking the family to move upstairs. Most surprising of all, Sabine announced she would try to do better. They chose to accept that offer. From that day on, Sabine and Lisa have taken a small but significant step forward in their relationship. That step I call, Healing Mother and Me.
* the names have been changed to protect identity.
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