As of late, I have been thinking about the confluence of relationships and Christianity. What is the role of a Christian as a friend, spouse, or neighbor when we have to deal with less than ideal friendships, difficult family members or situations? Do we work with what we have and try to serve in the situation? When do we plant godly seeds of wisdom and tell them about Jesus? What is our signal to back off? Do we leave an abusive situation, decide that someone is a lost cause, and do we continue to pray for them? Does the Bible help us understand how to navigate these perilous situations? It has been my experience that these topics are sure to spark intense debate in Christian circles. In fact, my own intense debates on this topic with friends and family have inspired this post series.
It would appear that Cammie* is the perfect Pastor’s wife unless you look a little bit closer. Then, you will find an onion with layers upon layers, in this case, of trauma. I have no idea what lies beneath but I can guess. Cammie is not unlike Brooklyn,* a deceased relative of my husband’s who shared some disturbing stories a while ago. Both women decided to share deeply traumatic childhood memories with me at a point when they hardly knew me.
As a Christian, I always strive to treat a situation such as childhood abuse with godliness and love. In Cammie’s case, when we were speaking of a completely unrelated topic she suddenly changed the course of the very tepid conversation to boiling when she told me she was a childhood victim of sexual abuse at the hands of her father and the cult that he belonged to. This revelation literally took the air right out of my lungs and suddenly everything seemed to move forward in slow-motion.
Looking her in the eye, I told her that I was very sorry that this had happened to her. She went into some details including that it was all a repressed memory until she gave birth to her first child Chloe.* Apparently, she suffered some sort of breakdown at that point. When confronting her mother about these memories she indicated to me that her mother did not believe her. At this point, her mother was already divorced from her father and she had remarried another man. She informed her mother that the abuse occurred in some sort of loft in her mother’s home. Cammie would not speak to her mother for five years because she did not like her mother’s response to her allegations of abuse. She eventually reconciled with her mother but still sleeps in the loft space that she was abused in whenever she visits her mother.
I was flabbergasted by this story. I asked her where she was in the healing and forgiveness journey after all that had happened? To my surprise, Cammie could not say a word. I told her that I don’t think that I would want to sleep in that loft if that had happened to me and wondered if there was at least a sofa or pullout bed on the premises that she could sleep on instead? Or, better yet a local motel to stay at? Again, no response. “What gives?”, I thought.
Then there was Brooklyn. When I was first married, she was one of my husbands older family members that I really connected with. She seemed friendly and helpful. However, I quickly noted that she had a dislike of her own very elderly mother. I was doing a number of visits to get to know my husbands family and meet some of them for the first time. It was the day before I was supposed to meet Brooklyn’s mother in an assisted living facility when Brooklyn came to me with some disturbing news.
Apparently after Brooklyn’s dad abandoned the family, her mother hooked up with a number of men. She even ended some unwanted pregnancies herself. According to Brooklyn who was a child at the time, her mother insisted that she assist in the disposal process. The imagery and story revolted me. I again shared my sorrow that such a thing had happened to her. How could a mother do such a thing to a young girl?
Just as before, I asked her where she was in the healing process and how her relationship with her mother was today? Had she told her mother how she felt? The answer was “no, I have not discussed this with her.” Since she was already an old woman I realized that Brooklyn had lived her entire life with this truth hanging over her head and had not worked through any of these issues. She succeeded in poisoning my relationship with her mother from ever going forward too. I could barely say a word to her when I met her the next day. I was in shock. It seemed she was purposefully putting the kabosh on my relationship with her mother Lily.* Or, was she?
In the privacy of my online diary where the names are changed for privacy, I think that I can safely ask some questions. First question is: did these things actually happen? Are these people telling me the truth? Some things are so outrageous that they are very hard to believe. That does not mean they are not true. However, haven’t there been some well publicized cases of outrageous stories that turned out to be a lie?
Also, I understand the human mind has coping mechanisms to protect us from unpleasant things but still, are repressed memories even real? I know that I am not the first person to ask that question. Is it possibly a delusion? I wondered this about both cases. It appeared that both women had struggles with mental health but, which came first the chicken or the egg?
On the other hand, we watched absolute evil play out in the P. Diddy trial in New York City. The depravity depicted by witnesses seems to know no bounds. Did Cammie and Brooklyn fall prey to terrible abuse at the hands of their parents? Sin is an equal opportunity evil which plays out everywhere. Did the abuse leave these women so torn up inside that even their relationship with Christ was fractured? These were some of my first thoughts.
Next, I wondered how a follower of Jesus ought to approach their interactions with an abuse victim? Had I said the right thing to begin with? Hearing stories such as I have heard from Cammie and Brooklyn is not unlike going to a funeral in that you know something deeply traumatic has unfolded and we all wish to say the right thing.
As a Christian, I have no doubt that protecting and nurturing children is our mission and abuse in any form is a sin. Jesus makes that very clear when he says in Luke 17:2, “it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and be cast into the sea, then that he should offend one of these little ones.” That is a very strong statement indeed. However, our society has started to challenge this and many similar ideas. There are those who would think it okay to have sex with a child, that movement seeks to place the idea in our heads that children are sexual creatures and should be allowed to pursue it.That shocking idea has gained traction unfortunately. There is no better example of harmful behavior towards children than this whole mutilation cult which is part of the transgender movement. All of this is opposite to the Christian faith and we must proclaim that!
Jesus interrupted cultural norms of dismissing children and showed us how precious children are to him, he said to let the little children come to him and not to hinder them for such is the kingdom of heaven. This particular verse shows that the innocence and purity of children is heavenly and further put a fine point on protecting them.
Another element of Christian life that subtly informs this topic concerns the concept of responsibility that we all are given and must justly exercise. This is a thread throughout the Bible. No authority is given except by God and we must be good stewards of children under our care whether we be family, neighbor, babysitters, workers at schools or daycare. We will be judged by God for how we exercise our responsibility in this department.
And, I can see why as I got to know Cammie and Brooklyn better. They are broken in a thousand pieces because of something that happened to them. I see this in many areas. I believe that spilling out inappropriate life stories to someone you just meet is a symptom of broken boundaries with people that may have begun with adults taking inappropriate actions with them. I am happy to assist them if I can but some other people hearing this indiscriminately might not be so helpful.
Interactions with these ladies lead me to feel that whatever did or didn’t happen, these ladies’ lives revolved around this story. Although I have learned both these ladies have had therapy, it never seemed to help and this wound is always opened and has never healed over. That is not God’s design. God has created us to physically and spiritually heal unless things are radically wrong. A relationship with Christ, which both women claim, grows and changes us to overcome, forgive and move on in positive ways from abuse.
It is so easy to get into circular thinking, caught up in a sort of centripetal motion of behavior surrounding something traumatic. This state has come to be called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD for short. The start of healing is honest prayer to God, Sharing in a healthy way can happen but it must be done with righteous and safe confidantes, not just anyone (Guard your heart folks from unnessary pain). Forgiveness needs to begin. Forgiveness does not mean you call what the person does right. After all, God forgives our sins but never calls our sins right.Forgiveness does not mean we don’t put up proper boundaries with people or ever put ourselves in harms way.
My relationships with both these ladies have not been easy. They have both had many struggles with their relationships throughout the years. Will I ever know what really happened? I doubt it but, I continue to pray, quote the Bible and serve as best that I can.
* the names are changed to protect privacy.
Next Week: Broken Relationships-Part 2
