I had a long text message exchange with a Christian friend on the topic of jealousy. My friend lives in Russia. Ever since the Russian invasion of Ukraine occurred we have not been able to see each other in person. Before the invasion, she was planning to spend a semester of her school year in the United States studying English as a foreign exchange student. Those dreams were dashed as international sanctions mounted against Russia after the war began. What a disappointment to Anya* to miss out on studying the English language in the United States. I was also sorely disappointed because I was looking forward to spending time with my Christian friend. I first met Anya on the Christian missions field serving those in need. The powerful bond that one forms in such a setting is not easily broken.
The damage to lives and to international relations that Russia’s decision to invade Ukraine has caused are immense. On a microcosm we see the relationships that are interrupted, on a macrocosm we see families torn apart, lives lost, and the world facing a re-ordering. The Bible tells us what is to be next. It has all been foretold in the Good Book.
However, getting back to that microcosm leads me to that text conversation with Anya that I mentioned earlier. I was sharing the story of a special moment recently enjoyed at my husband’s birthday party. My husband had just finished opening his birthday gifts when he asked me if I knew which was his best gift?When I modestly exclaimed “no,” he replied, “you,” are my best gift. It was one of those countless romantic moments that I have enjoyed over the years with my husband.
When I happened to mention this to Anya, she good-naturedly feigned “white jealousy.” I had never really heard the term “white jealousy” before but surmised it to be a small jealousy, just as a white lie is considered a small lie. From there, our text messages blew up and we were feverishly texting back and forth. As is my habit I first waxed poetic on the general human condition of jealousy. Here is some of our conversation:
ANYA: Actually, I believe that you are indeed *******’s best gift. Your husband is a naturally sweet and romantic man. I honestly sometimes envy you. In Russia it’s called, “cool white jealousy.” It is when you are glad that your friend or family member has something cool but at the same time you want it! “Black jealousy” is generally considered a flaw and a bad trait. It’s when you angrily think that if you don’t get it, nobody else should.
Ivan* (Anya’s boyfriend) is not a romantic. It’s hard for him to open up that often, even in front of me or his own mother. However, he can be sweet and supportive when he feels you truly need him. Most of my boyfriends have not been romantic. I guess I am looking for other things. Ivan has a good sense of humor. It is very similar to mine, it’s both silly and serious. He is responsible and mature. He cares for his mother and other family members. He is handsome, and as big as a bear. Last but not least he’s intellectually gifted and in some ways his intellectual capacities exceed my own. I was looking for an equal.
ME: The topic of jealousy is an interesting one! What does culture say about it, and what does God say about it? Throughout the ages, the stories of people reflect the white and black jealousies that we go through. It’s one of those emotions that are quite uncomfortable (think Rachel and Leah). When it is white, it is under control and when it is black, jealousy can lead to crime (think Cain and Abel). The world’s cultures have sang songs about it, made operas and movies about it. Great writer’s have made jealousy the central theme of a deep study of humanity.
The Bible teaches us to let go of the feelings of jealousy and instead to realize that each one of us is loved by God equally. God specifically chose not to give any of us every gift for our own good. But, that leaves us knowing that someone else has something that we do not have and that often turns to jealousy.
God wants us to be happy for one another, for example when someone else gets a great job or marries well. When people work together combining their talents in a godly way, it makes the world a better place.
ANYA: Jealousy is a common trait in the sport in which I compete. When you are competing, you sometimes wish that your rival performed worse than you because you want to win. When I win a gold medal, some of the other girls wish that it were they who had won instead. When some other girl takes the gold I wish that it were my victory….embarrassing but true. Can you relate?
ME: Of course I can relate. It takes time and consideration to work through my feelings of jealousy and I have done that and will continue to do that throughout my entire life. I love the German word “shadenfreude.” It perfectly expresses the worst part of jealousy which is being happy at someone’s misfortune. The meaning of that word makes me work hard at being happy for people because shadenfreude is quite ugly and represents the worst of me.
Shadenfreude is showcased often in social media. I have to “click off” when I see it lest I get tempted to go along with the sentiment.
ANYA: yes, the worst type of jealousy is when you find someone’s misfortune pleasant. I know that most people are like that sometimes. That’s pretty normal but you must keep it under control like you said. If you jealousy is controlled-it’s safe for you and others.
I realize that the feeling of jealousy is often inevitable throughout our lives. It doesn’t necessarily mean we’re “bad.” White jealousy is not bad and it’s not poisonous. For instance, yes, I admit that I am a bit jealous of you. But, it doesn’t mean that I wish you the worst.
Me: The Bible says that we are all bad people, the consequence of the fall of mankind in the Garden of Eden. Our bad thoughts mean that we are bad people. It is what makes us a sinner. The only solution for sin is to admit our wrong and go to God for forgiveness, redemption and new direction. God is good to make our sin go as far away as “the east is from the West.” Next, if we allow it, God helps us to do better from year to year.
I have come to terms with the truth that I am both good and bad. Knowing Jesus means that he has my back. He has taken the price for that jealousy and other things that I have done. I am grateful that we have someone who has taken up our cause.
Post Script: Clearly Anya is not looking for a romantic type of guy and it is other attributes that win her heart. So why did the Green-Eyed Monster emerge when I discussed a romantic moment? Well, why was I jealous when a friend told me about her Vermont summer cottage? I prefer to take different trips every year and not be tied down to one summer experience year after year. I’m an explorer. So why did I experience that uncomfortable emotion? Why indeed!
Numbers 5:14 (KJV) And the Spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she if defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be.
Proverbs 27:4 (NKJV) Wrath is cruel and anger a torrent. But who is able to stand before jealousy?
One more thing: *******’s romantic and has many wonderful attributes but just like Ivan he is not perfect.
******’s- my husband.
* the names are changed to protect privacy.
