Living in Westchester County, New York has given me a front seat to the world of perfectionism. It's like I am watching a movie. In this movie, all the themes of what happens when you seek perfection are constantly played for me as in a loop. I see people killing themselves to achieve greatness in their careers, with their children, church, house or car only to be disappointed. Shall I go on? You know that I will. Perfectionism in clothing, in weight, home decor, children's summer camps and on vacations!
Here is the truth of life. The promotion sometimes goes to someone else. What if It turns out that you really should have listened to your parents because you can't afford to buy that car. Now it has to be repossessed. I am seeing a lot of foreclosures in New York. I have known several people who made unwise decisions when buying a house. They really didn't have enough money to finance it, but they had to have the perfect home with lots of room and all the amenities. If every thing went perfectly it wouldn't be a problem. No one would lose their job or get sick, right? Guess what happened next?
What about Haruki*and Whitney*? Haruki and Whitney were both at the top of their class at Yale. A major part of their life had been devoted to preparing their children to follow in their footsteps. And it looked like they were on their way to achieving that goal until they had a car wreck which appeared to be their fault. Their son was with them that day and although they had only minor injuries, their son might never be the same. They sank into a cycle of recriminations and depression. They feel responsible and can not forgive themselves.
What about the deep shame that a suicide brings? I should have seen it coming. I should have helped or done more. Often we punish ourselves and unconsciously decide that we will never be happy again. We think that somehow this is some crazy justice for our part in the situation. We think we deserve to be miserable. But, is that what God wants for us?
The list of things that we don't forgive ourselves for is huge. I was a bad wife, daughter or mother. That divorce, that infidelity. I never succeeded in my career. My drugs, my alcohol problems. The pain that I caused. That car crash, that accident. That slip of the scalpel! Oh Jesus, Lord and Savior, please help us with the burdens of life. We can not do this alone.
First, we need to understand that regardless of the Frank Sinatra song which says that "regrets I have a few, but then again to few to mention" we all have regrets in what we have done or what we have failed to do. Usually they are more than a few and they pile up because we fail to deal with them as they happen. We may also do as the song suggests and not mention those past regrets. Unfortunately, if we do not then it may only help that wound of ours to fester. You might guess that I don't always agree with that saying, "time heals all wounds." Alone time usually doesn't heal our unforgiveness.
What can we do about it then? The first step toward forgiving ourself is finding someone to talk over our problems with. It is important to be open to finding a new way to look at the problem. A mature Christian or someone who has been through what you have been through would be a good choice to begin to share your story with. It is not good to be alone with your pain. Left alone with unforgiveness towards ourselves we often turn to obsessing about it. We think about our pain all the time and level the same guilty accusations at ourselves over and over. Then we naturally feel anger at ourselves, this distracts us from things that we should be focusing on in our daily life. We find ourselves unproductive. We can not concentrate, and this eventually leads us to anxiety, depression, or various illnesses.
When we speak to somebody about our guilt, it is important to keep an open mind and heart. It won't be easy to hear what someone else thinks about the way that we have handled our life. It will not be any easier to recount our trauma to others but, it is part of de-sensitizing us to the situation. It has been helpful for me to make a list from time to time recounting things that I need to confess to God and then to forgive myself about.
Some topics of discussion include questions such as: What happened? What was I thinking? Did I or did I not act with malice? Today, would I resolve to do things differently? Is it time to be at peace because accidents are part of the nature of life? Can I help others in the future with my experiences and if so how would I? Think of questions and things you need to explore as you get ready to make peace with God and yourself.
Scripture text to reflect upon: Matthew 26: 69-75
"Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee. But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest. And when he was gone out into the porch, another maid saw him, and said unto them that were there, this fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth. And again, he denied with an oath, I do not know the man. And after a while came unto him they that stood by, and said to Peter, surely thou also art one of them; for thy speech bewrayeth thee. Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the cock crew. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly."
Conclusion: Explore this story and what it says about the frailty of human nature. It is my story. It is your story. That Peter who was destined for great spiritual things could deny Jesus like he did is pivotal. This man, who Jesus groomed for leadership, cursed and swore a false oath. How did he forgive himself? What if he hadn't? Remember that Jesus predicted that Peter would deny Him three times. Peter saved his own life by denying that he even knew Jesus. Yet Jesus already knew that he would do this before it happened. He even called him a "rock" in spite of it. He loved and forgave him on the Cross of Calvary. Jesus says the same to you at this moment or at another moment when you need to forgive yourself. You can forgive yourself, put your life back together and serve God as Peter did. So, to answer an earlier question that I posed in this blog post, no, God does not want you to be miserable!
* the story is true but I changed the name for privacy sake.
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