Funeral One: Only the good die young, so Tio Julio* lived to a ripe old age. He was surrounded by family who stood beside him, despite the wrong he had done them. At his funeral, monstrous lies were told about how good he was. It was like a big lie propaganda campaign to rehabilitate him. Did you ever hear the expression, never speak ill of the dead? Well, Tio Julio’s family took that to a whole new level.
Those of you following my blog for a while know the story of Uncle Julio (see Tio Julio, do you have a Tio Julio? Part 1 & Part 2, July 18 & 26, 2016). He was a man who set the tempo for generations of his family on a cruel and criminal path. When I wrote that story, I was dealing with two Christian men who each had this legacy in their family. One of the men was a relative of Tio Julio and even though he was a Christian he was still used to doing things in the way his family had taught him. Wondering how I could help them, I wrote my two-part piece to assist them in working through these issues. It is important to know that whatever you are going through, that you are not alone. Just what does a Christian approach to family dilemmas look like? That is what my blog is all about.
Since I wrote the original story, Tio Julio has passed away. It was painful for me to see how his whole family gathered round his casket, in a post-COVID sort of way, and told stories and gave testimonials to his white-washed life. I know it seems rather innocent and perhaps good to see the best in a person at their funeral. We also know that forgiveness is our goal too, but can we truly forgive unless we first tell the truth?
Understand, I do not advocate outing a person’s criminal past at a funeral and creating a scene. I have heard about and seen many a family drama play out at a funeral. A former neighbor Jim, once told me the story of guns being pulled out at one of his family funerals in Yonkers, New York. Things like that are the sad conclusion of a lifetime of repressing your family problems until you can’t any more. The time for confrontations are when a person is alive. If we see friends and family going astray we should always say something and not wait. We need to start praying as events unfold. We need to be actively planting seeds for Jesus.
Tio Julio’s life might have been completely different if more people had done that. But, do we lie at a funeral? Thou shalt not lie, except at a funeral? We can be respectful and comfort those in grief without telling huge whoppers. We can forgive without pretending that the offense never occurred or worst pretending, like at Tio Julio’s funeral, like he was a civil rights activist and a father of the year. Read my original story if you have any doubts. No, the decision not to follow Christ touched everything Julio said and did. It touched, his work, his family and his community.
The truth is Tio Julio had two sons who had been incarcerated. Those are the ones that got caught. There were a couple of wife beaters in the family. Tio Julio had two sons who had beat their wives, and a grandson who had the same issue. He even had a granddaughter who got arrested for physical aggression with her partner. One grandson forged documents for a living. Many failed marriages occurred in his family too. One of his daughters even rivaled Elizabeth Taylor for most marriage and divorces. I think Hope* went down the aisle 5 times. She claims this one is a keeper though. As some of these truths were revealed over the years family members choose to look the other way. Pretend it wasn’t happening. Afraid of being cut-off by said family members, or just too jaded to care.
Funeral Two: Last fall, David* fell ill rather suddenly. Although he was in his seventies, he had not retired. He was a strong and energetic man. David loved his family, he loved his church and job, but most of all he loved Jesus. He had made Jesus the center of his life a long time ago and came from a long line of those who had done the same. His father was an elder, his son heads a ministry or two at their church. His daughter is interested and involved in every ministry that I can think of. David’s decision for Christ touched everything that he said and did over the years. You could see the fruit of this in his family and at his church.
David and his wife sacrificed much time and energy to so many activities, too many to name. If it needed to be cut, pasted, copied, moved, carried or hammered they did it. There was ushering and David’s service as an elder. Now, I don't want you to think that David was perfect. Even King David in the Bible wasn’t perfect. I do think that even though both David’s weren’t perfect, they were both menfolk “who were men after God’s own heart.”
The decision to follow Jesus Christ has eternal consequences not just for you but for generations to come. It effects the family views on marriage, divorce and child rearing. What is right and what is wrong. I saw no divorce in David’s family. I saw no violence in fact the opposite. David was a big bear of a man, yet he brought gentleness and sensitivity to all that he did. No bragging at the funeral occurred. People spoke of David’s many virtues when they went to meet the family or after the service when we gathered for a post-COVID outdoors coffee hour.
It doesn’t mean that his marriage had no problems because it did, they resolved it. It doesn’t mean that conflicts didn’t arise but, that the family sought God and His wisdom in working through the issues. There were some serious illnesses in this family. David helped his wife to the car during those outbreaks. Housed a family member in need. Had his door open for those seeking godly counsel when he was an elder.
Again, I say, he was not perfect. Perhaps, he should have made better plans for his family, such as a good insurance policy. What of his widow’s financial needs after his death? He should have had a retirement savings plan. But, he did not steal from anyone, and he did not fail for lack of a work ethic. He worked doing physical labor until the last year of his life when he could no longer manage it. He worked at home, and he worked at church. But, because he was a good Christian man, he taught his family through word and example how to love one another the way Christ loved us. I already see them pulling together to work through any financial shortfalls by hard work and helping one another in times of need. Can you believe they actually told the truth about David’s shortfalls at his service? Well, they did.
So, you see we have the Tale of Two Funerals. Two lives contrasted and two family systems laid bare. Will we learn the lessons to live for God. Can we see the different outcomes that occur?
* the names have been changed but the story is true.
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