Old-Time Valentine!

 I am inspired for the real meaning of love in two Valentine’s stories from my church. We are talking Old-Time Valentine, as in love over the age of sixty-five. There are so many images surrounding valentines’s day activities that do not include older people. Yet, do people stop needing love after a certain age? Are they less romantic? Certainly not. Many people in their sixties, seventies, eighties and beyond are less mobile. They are not in and about the societal meeting places as they once were, including many of the societal networking sites which many of them eschew. However, when life has handed you wrinkles, scars, and health ailments, just what should you expect concerning your chances for love? Is it over? What role does family, society and churches play in the tragedy of lonely old people?

This topic was recently debated in Italy after an older woman passed away during the Covid epidemic and no one even knew it for some two plus years. She lived in the vicinity of beautiful lake Como. An idyllic setting that I was able to enjoy on a family vacation a few years ago. But, beneath any idyllic setting lurks the truth of mankind’s failings, i.e.sin. A number of Italian politicians decried the situation citing the not so distant past when Italians were intertwined and interconnected in a vast family network.

Yet, within the last five years, I have been inspired by two couples who pushed through the issues of the senior years and choose a God-centered love story. The first regards, Arnold* and Eloise.* Eloise had a loving husband in Westchester County, New York. They had thriving careers, she teaching music at one of the most prestigious schools in the county, where the Ivy League graduates are legendary. He, was a lawyer for a white shoe law firm in New York City. Tragedy came to roost in this beautiful nest when Eloise’s husband passed away at a young age, leaving her to raise their young children alone. 

Eloise’s strong faith, her career and her husband’s wise insurance decisions ensured that the family would survive and move forward. She became a mighty woman of God throughout the years, teaching many a woman’s bible study, playing piano and directing the music ministry while raising her children. She had been a long-time widow. All together five decades would pass before she meet Arnold. 

Arnold’s widowerhood was of a much shorter time-span, having only lost his wife, whom he described as his best friend, less than ten years ago.He was determined to find love again even though he had passed the octogenarian mark. Many people might wonder why a man in his 80’s would want to be in a romantic relationship again after such a wonderful marriage? Other people questioned why he just did not find a woman for companionship purposes and leave it at that.

But, Arnold was not looking for any hookups, or convenient arrangement. He was a centered Christian man who was looking for a full covenant marriage. He believed correctly that marriage is a representation of a closeness that is deep and meaningful and should not be cheapened since it represented a model for understanding God’s relationship with humanity.

It is my understanding that Arnold made his wishes known to people at his church, in his family and among his friendship. It may have even included a brief stint on the Tinder dating app. Ultimately, it would be his sister who played matchmaker by introducing him to Eloise, whom she attended church with. What an amazing match it quickly showed itself to be.

Eloise, long retired from her teaching job, still headed the music ministry at my New York church. She was the choir master and a women’s bible study teacher. Well into her eighties, she played the piano beautifully. Her love of the Lord was fervent and Arnold shared all of her interests. He sang in his own church choir and played tennis as did Eloise. It has been a match made in heaven and seeing it unfold has been amazing.

They have pictures of his wife and her husband on the mantel as well as all their combined children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. It isn’t just for show either. They have warmly embarrassed each other’s family whole-heartedly. He sings in the choir now at his new wife’s church and happily gets a solo now and again. He still sings beautifully. He and she are the most knowledgeable members of the Wednesday night bible study too. 

He even took Eloise camping and out in his boat, something that she had never done before. A man of 85 driving a trailer to upstate New York. Wow. He showed me a picture of their camping trip. I think he was glamping before it became popular. He has such a joie de vivre too, because in front of his camper he had placed the most beautiful rug and cozy lounge chairs. This helped to make Eloise’s first camping trip a gem of a good time. She had never been in a boat either. What an adventure for her to have in her eighties, don’t you think?

Then there is Pam* and Pete* whose love story began as they both were just entering retirement. Pete was a recent Christian convert. He read the Bible on his own and describes that being his conversion experience. That was six years ago. Pam, on the other hand, made the decision for Jesus quite young. She married a man who was a very Christ-centered man, even having a sign to that effect over his desk in an office overlooking the famed Rockefeller Center in New York City. He had a powerful church ministry over the years with Pam by his side. She playing the piano at church, and he teaching the Bible.

That all changed about seven years ago when he went on to be with the Lord. She was in her fifties at the time. Pam was not looking for love when she met Pete at church one Sunday. No, she was far from looking for love. She had her mind on many other things. She had come up from her home in sunny Florida to the not so sunny northeastern United States to help her sister care for an ailing husband. All of Pam’s family were involved in helping Nan* take care of her seriously ill husband Mike.* This included Pam’s niece who took an extended leave from her job and her family in Connecticut to stay and care for her ailing father.

Pam, now a widow in retirement, seemed like a natural choice to relieve her niece when family life demanded her presence at home. Pam was, as she told me, content with her own company. She had thought that this time of widowhood pointed to a time of more focus on her work for the Lord. That of course meant being available to help her brother-in-law in his time of need. It meant reaching more people for Jesus than ever before. She had truly embraced a godly view of her widowhood.

Even as she started to fall for Pete, she struggled with the biblical passage (1 Corinthians 7:8- But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.”) She reached out to godly friends for wise counsel. She also struggled with being set in her ways. It had been 7 years since she lost her husband and she ate whenever she wanted to eat, and was used to doing things her own way. Could she or would she want to go back to cooking, cleaning and compromising in decision-making? 

One of the things that I gleaned from both the above success stories was the willingness to communicate and compromise. The respect for and inclusion of family and friendships of each partner is also important. Both of these couples believe in God and have a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. As a result, the elements of their christian walk are crucial elements which are the foundations of these partnerships. 

Understanding that Jesus is the cord that holds a relationship together is life-changing. (Ecclesiastes 4:12- A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.) Jesus has told us that we are to serve one another. When a man and a woman understands this they can really be of help to one another. Of course, this takes on a special meaning as one faces the challenges of old age. 

For instance both Pam and Pete entered their relationship knowing that they each had some serious health challenges. They agreed to be a blessing to each other as have Arnold and Eloise. All four of them still believe in the institution of marriage. All this as you see many people reject marriage. Many people do not even wish to commit to helping an elderly partner when they become ill and opting instead to enjoying sex, and social events only. Wanting to enjoy only the advantages of marriage and cutting out any of the difficult parts. 

Since Arnold, Eloise, Pete and Pam have chosen to see God’s purposes in the marriage commitment, they are my heroes this Valentine’s Day. They get my Valentine’s real love award! I get happy every time that I think of these two couples. I bet you know a couple like that too!

* the names are changed but the stories have not.