I had a run in with my Pastor recently. He did not want to talk about a recent murder-suicide that had occurred. I thought it strange that on a social visit that he got hugely bent out of shape when I brought up the question of why the guy did it? Let me back up. Several days ago, I received a call from my Pastor’s wife concerning the passing of a woman at the hands of her own husband. He then took his own life in short order.
The man was related to a dear sweet woman in my church. I feel awful for her and for all who are suffering because of this terrible crime. I think I am in trouble with my pastor though. When I received a call about the murder-suicide from his wife, I was upset. Whenever something like this happens I ask myself why. It seems so unnecessary and terrible.
But, somehow as I was trying to work through my feelings by bringing up the question of why this happened, he accused me of being judgmental or a gossip. I did debate him on these points. I told him that it is natural to feel wronged as a community and wonder how these things happen and what we can do about them.
He countered that it has nothing to do with me so why would I even be concerned. He stated that the conversation was putting this man on trial when we don’t know what happened. Of course, the irony is that had this man lived he would be going on trial. The medical examiner has determined the cause of death to be stabbing for the wife and a gun shot for the husband. So, does that make the medical examiner judgemental or just a scientist?
From what my Pastor said, I see that he is concerned that the family left behind not be labeled and judged. He seemed emotional when he thought that people would treat the family cruelly over what one of their members had done. It seemed clear that he thought even discussing it would be gossip. As we all know, and I covered in a long ago post, gossip is something that every Christian needs to try to avoid.
However, is it wrong to question who might be involved in a crime? I think it would be wrong not to. Is it possible that family members could be complicit in a crime that a family member has committed? The answer is yes. Is it possible that a family member had no knowledge or nothing to do with their family member’s crime? The answer is yes to that to.
Here is a recent example dealing with this concept. There was a lesbian couple by the names of Echo and Marie. They lived in Pennsylvania in a trailer with Echo’s parents. Marie had been divorced and had entered that relationship with three children from that union. They all resided together in that trailer. Over the course of many years, two of the children were neglected, abused and died of starvation. Both women and the parents living in the trailer had various charges leveled against them. The father’s lawyer tried to wiggle his client (Echo’s father) out of any culpability to which the prosecuting attorney replied that in a trailer that small, the father most certainly knew what was going on and bears responsibility.
Being a Christian is a contact sport, we should not be bystanders on the sidelines of life. When we see something we have to say something or do something. Can we help in a situation? If so, then how? The Bible tells the story of virtue, of faith and also of crime and evil. It does not waver in telling this story. Should we? Sin has entered the world and exists until that time where God shall once and for all vanquish it. We need to stand up to evil. Domestic abuse is one of those evils. Domestic violence is made perfect in a Culture of Silence.
Silence is tacit approval. Silence in our hearts and in our communities ensures that we learn nothing from a situation. We can’t even apply biblical truths to our lives if we don’t deal with the uncomfortable truths of life. The violence of a murder-suicide needs to be discussed. The Bible teaches accountability to God and to one another. It was a young man’s realization of that which allowed him to reach out to me when he was about to beat up his wife.
In his new found faith in Jesus he suddenly broke the hold that domestic violence had upon him and had persisted for generations of his family. It began for Joachim* by exploring the difference between right and wrong in his Bible. Then, he was able to confess his sins “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” -James 5:16. He called me up and told me that he wanted to hurt his wife. I told him to walk out the door of his home and I continued to talk to him. In his mind, she was the reason he was so angry and the answer for that was to hit her. I explored that with him and that began to tear at his previous preconceptions of his situation.
Sharing how angry he was at his wife and the violence that he had previously done in his marriage began the process of repenting and learning new ways to live his life without the violence. Joachim now helps other men to work through these issues at his church through prayer, biblical teachings and accountability to a men’s group. Joachim’s family had been silent when they suspected his father and grandfather of similar things. There were broken bones, blood, and flat tires, The truth is, many people are trained in their homes or in their culture to think that beating or even killing your wife is okay.
I am praying for my Pastor. I believe his over the top attempt to shut me down from speaking could perhaps indicate a personal history or struggle with some of these issues. Maybe, there was some deep shaming in his own family because of a crime that occurred. Shame comes because we have still yet to normalize the truth of mankind’s sinful and fallen nature. If we were honest, we would understand that within our hearts, within our family history there is a Jack the Ripper, a domestic abuser, a bank robber or a horse thief. It is not always a man either. In Westchester County, New York people are grieving the loss of a four month old baby and her mother. That baby was killed at the hands of its’ own mother, a doctor no less.
Rather than deny it, why aren’t we trying to be part of the godly solution to this all? One of the chilling parts of my discussion with my Pastor was his total condemnation of me over asking why this husband did it. He looked like he wanted to kill me. I felt a very strong anger coming my way. I heard no condemnation of the act of stabbing his wife. I heard not a touch of sympathy concerning this poor woman meeting a violent death at the hands of her husband. I think he is part of the Culture of Silence.
Stabbing someone is a hateful and a very personal way to kill. Yet, all he spoke of was how this man probably loved his wife and I did not know what he was going through. Why could he not see the hate and sin in the situation and address it? I think when you pick up a knife and stab someone repeatedly that it does indicate something other than love and we should not ignore that. I wondered if he was going to ask me to leave the church? That did not happen. Instead, when I attended church last Sunday I noticed that he seemed to still be trying to argue his points to the captive audience that exists when he is sermonizing from the pulpit. No one is going to answer him that way are they? One thing is for certain, I am not going to be part of the Culture of Silence. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.-Matthew 5:14
* the name was changed.
No comments:
Post a Comment