I was recently reflecting on just how many people marry for the WRONG reasons. People marry for looks, money, or because they want to have a child before it is too late. They marry because they are lonely or because it is what is expected of them.
The partners that we have or continue to choose reflects who we are and what our values are. Our choice of partners reflects just where we are emotionally and spiritually. It is wise to reflect upon this now and again. By doing so, we can uncover the current basis of our discontent and help break longheld patterns which lead to unhappiness.
Let's consider one example to illustrate these principles. Omar* is the successful owner of a business here in Westchester County, New York. His success in business owes to his hard work and customer service. He also has a keen knack of choosing the best people to work for him. Unfortunately, Omar has not been as successful in choosing spouses. Omar is currently facing a second divorce. From a financial point of view, Omar's marriages have been a disaster. In each case, his net worth has been cut in half. But, what of the spiritual costs?
Omar was born into a hard-working middle class family in one of the wealthier villages in Westchester County. His family provided for him by running a shop providing the goods and services needed in that community. He learned a work ethic and the basics of running a small business from his father. He also learned some other things as well; such as an eye for a beautiful woman and controlling behavior.
He attended the local high school rubbing shoulders with the children of the customers in his father's shop. They, the sons and daughters of famous musicians, professors, and business elite and he, the guy "whose family owned that shop." Although attending school together, there was a strict social demarcation between these families in that community. Omar's friendships reflected a working to middle class make-up. His closest friends were the children of local contractors, other shop owners and civil servants.
But, he dreamed of more. He dreamed of running a business just like his fathers', only more lucrative. He dreamed of dating one of those rich, skinny, popular girls and becoming rich. Early on, he focused on one girl in particular. Her name was Ann*. Ann's philosophy of life already was, "you can't be too rich or too thin." Indeed, that ethos hung thick in her families' values. So, when she and Omar meet, it was murder.
When Ann agreed to date him, he felt that he had finally arrived into the inner circle of cool at ********* High School. When Ann dated him, she felt that she had finally escaped some of the boredom and tedium of upper crust Westchester life. She also enjoyed shocking her friends and family by her choice of dates. One thing was for sure, they were more drawn to what the other person did for them than who the other person was. That folks is a recipe for disaster.
Their marriage produced two children and the successful business that Omar and Ann dreamed of. He bought a million dollar home in the more fashionable section of town. But, this marriage did not have a fairy tale ending. Amid allegations of alcoholism and affairs on both their parts, this marriage ended. It was at this low point in his life, that Omar accepted an invitation to Church.
At this Church, he began to learn about who God was and what the Bible had to say about marriage and the family. He began to think that maybe there was another way to look at life and approach things, other than the way he had approached things. The Pastor helped him to dig deep and understand that God had a meaning and a purpose for Omar's life that was very different from the way he had been living. With this new found knowledge, he was able to begin rebuilding his broken life. He made a decision that he wanted to be a Christian and be baptized in the faith.
There were many changes in Omar's life. He began to see his wealth, as a blessing from God. For the first time he felt grateful to someone other than himself. He began to give a ten percent offering to his Church to promote ministries and help the poor. Friends and family began to note positive changes to his character, including a moderate approach to drinking beer and wine. But there is one area of his life that he would not completely surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ.
No where in the Bible is marriage for the wrong reasons illustrated better than in Genesis 29-30, where we find the story of Jacob and the women in his life. Like Omar, Jacob was a man who had a whole lot of drama with women. It is in a romantic setting by a well in Haran, where Jacob first beholds the beautiful Rachel. "Now while he was still speaking with them (people that Jacob was asking directions of), Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother. Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept. And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's relative and that he was Rebekah's son. So she ran and told her father." Genesis 29:9-12
In one of the most romantic moments of the Bible we see a young man overcome with emotion and emboldened in his actions when he meets the woman that he knows is "the one!" It is truly "love at first sight" when he sees Rachel approach the well accompanied by her flock of sheep. It is the kind of moment which makes a man lose all sense of social decorum and where he enters a state of delirium, as one in a fever. He is lovesick. We can see all the signs. Firstly, without any prompting he puts his muscles to work in the labor of moving a heavy stone covering the well, in order to assist Rachel who is there to water her flock. Many a wife would appreciate that kind of help after the wedding! One can find amusement imagining how far Jacob would have gone to impress Rachel. Another sign of a lovesick man is the ups and downs in emotion that we see Jacob experience in verse 11, in one moment he does something completely inappropriate,i.e. kisses Rachel, and the next minute he is crying.
Heaven help us Jacob is in love. In an act of treachery not unlike the con that he pulled on his brother Esau, Rachel's father pulls the old "bait and switch" on Jacob and substitutes another daughter tricking Jacob into marrying his older and uglier daughter Leah (Genesis 29:21-25). Leah is the responsible and mature one. She loves Jacob the way a good woman loves her man. She represents the service and practical aspect of marriage, which is very important. But just like Omar, Jacob is drawn to the excitement and drama of Rachel. In the time that I knew Omar, he managed to get into a tumultuous affair with a woman at Church and a nightmare of a second marriage.
Just like Jacob there were years of battles between the women who loved Omar. Omar's first and second wives ended up calling the police on one another. There were court room battles regarding money and children. The spurned woman at Church that had an affair with Omar was jealous that Omar did not marry her. She confessed her fornication quite dramatically at Church drawing us along into the sad results of that affair. Although God forgave her and gave her a wonderful husband, she always seemed to be looking back and never seemed to appreciate what God had given her. Continuing in Chapter 29 and 30 of Genesis we can note how closely these women's lives are reflected in this biblical story.
How can we get past the drama in our own life and have a godly marriage? It begins with understanding what marriage is all about. It is not merely an emotion, and it is not just all work. Perhaps what we really seek in marriage is a partner who combines the best of Rachel and Leah. We desire the passion that a Rachel brings and yet respect the hard work and love that Leah brings. Are you always surrounded by drama? Does everything in your relationships seem so hard? Well then you may be a Jacob. In his story we find he labored seven years for his bride, then another seven years on top of that. His marriages exhaust me just reading about them.
Contrast that with his father Isaac who did not labor for a wife at all. In Genesis we see the reason why. In Genesis 24:1-14 we see that God's involvement from beginning to end is the reason. In Chapter 24, verse twelve we see a different well and a very different scene. The setting is a well at Nahor in Mesopotamia. Abraham has sent his most trusted servant to find a wife for Isaac. After swearing an oath that this servant would not find a wife amid the ungodly, we see the servant follow through with this task. In this poignant scene in Nahor, we see the servant begins in prayer : "Then he said, "O Lord God of my master Abraham. Behold, here I stand by the well of water, and the daughters of the men in the city are coming out to draw water. Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, 'Please let down your pitcher that I may drink,' and she says,'Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink - let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that You have shown kindness to my master."
Let us seek God early in the dating process and ask God to choose the right spouse for us, as those close to Isaac did. Furthermore, add virtue to your relationship. In holding back the flames of desire, we instead endeavor to get to know the person that we are attracted to. We can then begin to balance our passion with the practical matters of marriage. Give yourself a chance to get to know someone in true intimacy. This will set the stage for a well-balanced marriage.
* The names and a few details are changed.
********* A Westchester High School.
NEXT WEEK : Movie Review-Silence (movie by Martin Scorcese)
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