Harley Gets A Perm

What is a home? Does a nursing home qualify? I am determined to stand by Harley* after she’s been confined to a nursing home. Her life has gone downhill lately. She has had health problems for a while but, these health problems seem to be accelerating. Plus, she recently became a widow. Harley has gone down a black hole since losing her husband of fifty-six years. How could she not? The Bible describes a marriage as two people coming together to become one. If that is true, coming apart in death is like losing a part of yourself. It’s devastating. 

The Bible also has many verses entreating us to care for those in need. That was my goal last year when Harley had a medical procedure. That procedure should have been simple but, unfortunately, it lead to a stroke. Next, there was physical therapy and improvement. However, that improvement did not last as long as I had hoped before she contracted salmonella and was hospitalized again. That was a huge setback for Harley and all the progress that she had made in physical therapy was lost. I tried to visit her weekly. I pulled out my whole Mary Poppins bag of tricks which included books, magazines and homemade food in hopes of cheering her up. 

Throughout all of Harley’s ailments her husband Shane* stood by her magnificently. He visited her every single day. He washed her clothes weekly and brought her favorite foods to the rehabilitation facility. He cared for her many needs sacrifically and showed her unconditional love. That included helping her to walk, lifting her and helping her in the bathroom when necessary. He kissed her everyday and told her that he loved her. That old US Steelworker looked like Popeye when he was young and he proved his mettle during the contest of old age. He lived every moment with gusto, love and never waivered in his faith. He died suddenly while Harley was in a nursing care facility recuperating and now she will never come home again. 

Their daughter Vanessa* doesn’t seem to much care for her mom and was always closer to her father. Throughout the years, it appears Shane encouraged this little rivalry and did nothing to bring the two closer. Spousification? Or, did Shane have inappropriate boundaries with his daughter? He made some decisions with Vanessa that he should have made with his wife and I told him so.

Some Christian families let problems fester and don’t always seek godly solutions that are explicitly pointed to in the Bible. It sometimes seems easier to follow dysfunctional family patterns rather than to do it God’s way. But, God’s way is the right way. For Vanessa I feel that would mean a study of the biblical principle of honoring a parent.  

Somehow that concept didn’t come into play for Vanessa when dealing with her mother’s current needs. Shane died suddenly less than a month ago. It was a shock to all of us, especially Harley. He was living life to the fullest and then he suddenly died. Shane and Harley’s daughter Vanessa is a female entrepreneur who runs several businesses. She is always on the phone and busy as heck. She likes it that way, it’s convenient if you know what I mean. My first impression of her was she’s… well we have a name for that in Westchester which begins with a B but, I have to keep trying to uphold a Christian standard.

People like Vanessa do not make that easy. She seems to look people over all the time and it’s pretty clear that practically nobody makes the grade. She didn’t dare do that to me, instead she just acted bored. She pulled this when we ran into each other at her parents house once. I entreated her come on over to the table and hang out with your mom and I while her dad hung out with my husband. She was presenting anti-social but, my approach was to kill her with kindness. That did not work so much. She wouldn’t die to her bad attitude. She needed Jesus but, I thought that she already had him? 

When Shane died, Vanessa was on business in Florida, she did not even come back to be with her mother who was alone in a nursing home. It was Harley who called me and I came down to comfort her as soon as I could. Our Pastor was there too. Vanessa sent some of her sons to break the news to their grandmother but, they ended up making a mess of it. They were young men not yet fully equipped to handle the situation and for the most part muddled the whole thing. Vanessa should have been there. 

Speaking of Westchester County, I know CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies, and brain surgeons who made themselves available to their mothers under such circumstances. Vanessa had no excuses. Vanessa informed everyone that she was going to set up a memorial service for him at a more convenient time for herself. She left Harley out of planning her own husband’s funeral. Harley wanted a burial, Vanessa wanted cremation. Harley wanted a traditional wake and funeral but Vanessa literally did not care. Harley was asking for her dad to be put in a suit for his cremation. Harley said, “it doesn’t matter because it’s a cremation.” Vanessa has still not allowed her mother to see her own husbands’ ashes which are currently on her farmhouse mantle place.

When Harley had a stroke last year, Shane motivated Harley to beat the odds and return home. Harley worked hard at her physical therapy and somehow managed (with Shane in her corner) to walk and talk again. Even the rehab center was amazed. Until just two days before Shane died, he still was trying to get nursing care in the home so his wife could return there. That dream was kept alive by Shane this past year throughout Harley’s many health challenges. Shane and Harley are of a generation that did not put parents in nursing homes. I don’t think Vanessa understands that. Indeed, Harley’s mom died at home in about the same shape that Harley is in. She was never put in a nursing home. 

However, all those dreams died when Shane died and Vanessa just wants to park her mom in a nursing home, give away her things and have an end to it. Harley and Shane have a large family. Yet, Harley was mostly left to suffer the loss of her husband alone. Why is she being emotionally shut down by many who are close to her? The answer lies in selfishness, lack of empathy and also distaste for the aged. Harley has a lot of feelings about everything that she is going through. The nursing home that she will now call home is not one of the worst that I have seen. They have activities and even counselors available to help Harley deal with her loss. Nevertheless, Harley is not ready to concede that she will be unable to ever return home. She still can’t even believe that her husband has passed away. 

From what I have gathered, Harley is experiencing two deaths. The death of her husband and the loss of her home all at once. That is a lot of trauma to process and it takes time and attention. So many of the people at our church and in her family are of the mindset that she should just be quiet and accept the reality of her situation. There seems to be very little sympathy for what she is feeling. I don’t agree with that.

My weekly visits to Harley have been gut-wretching as I have seen a woman lose everything in a very short amount of time. Loss of love, and loss of the place that she felt safe in. It’s now the whole new reality of living in a nursing home is beginning to set in too. From what I see there, she has no control over her daily life. There is no privacy and control over anything that she does. It is loud all the time, and the lights are always on. Plus, she is a shy person who has just been thrown together with  a group of people that she doesn’t know and is being expected to accept that.That is not easy for a naturally introverted person. I have tried to give her an outlet for the emotions that she feels and a safe place to contemplate solutions.

In so doing, I have gotten myself yet again into the whirlpool of family dysfunction. The family war seems to have headed in an unlikely direction in recent weeks as Harley thought about what she would wear and how her hair might be done for Shane’s memorial service. I have known for some time that Vanessa likes her mother in a short hairstyle and I have heard Harley’s repeated desire for a medium length permanent. 

Recently, out of the blue, Harley told me that her daughter had made arrangements for her to get a short haircut. I asked Harley did she “want to get a short haircut?” Her answer was an adamant “no.” Then, why are you getting a short haircut” I asked, wading into the warm whirlpool forming before me. Her answer was because, “I am afraid to stand up to my daughter.” A church member seemed to suggest that Harley was trying to manipulate me into taking her side. That could only occur if I am not aware that this family struggles in the area of control and passive aggressive manipulation. However, I was aware.

Here’s the bottom line for me. I believe that with all that Harley is going through why would you not let your mom get the haircut that she would like? Why is a women’s hair always a battleground? Aren’t there more important issues in the world? I offered to buy a gift certificate that is offered by the nursing home for a salon visit. Her birthday is less than a month away. She seemed to agree to it. 

However, when I returned the following week, Harley informed me that her daughter had gotten her that haircut. It looked awful. It was akin to the haircut that is given to prisoners upon entering jail. It was the haircut that she would have to wear when she attends her husband’s memorial service I thought.  I assumed that would be the end to it but, it wasn’t because Harley was not satisfied and informed me that she had made an appointment at the in-house salon to give her a permanent.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh goes the whirlpool. “Harley is your healthcare agency or your daughter going to pay for this?” Harley said,“I know my daughter refuses to pay for it.” I made the decision to support her in this. So, I purchased a nursing home gift certificate that is redeemable at their in-house salon. Today, was her appointment. I know her daughter will not be happy when she sees that her mom got a curly hairdo but, isn’t that almost laughable? Could this hairdo be a way that Harley is rebelling against her daughter? It’s possible but, I hope that at some point both mother and daughter can start acting like mature Christian ladies and work through these problems. God saw fit to take Vanessa’s favorite parent first and leave her to care for the one she likes least. I have seen this happen before many times. I think it is God’s way of giving everyone a chance to work things out. 

This past fall, Harley told me that she always wanted to have a Meyer lemon tree. I told her that I also always wanted to try and raise one too. These are the little things that girlfriends bond over. Unbeknownst, to her I procured two scrawny half-dead looking Meyer lemon trees after that and decided to nurse them back to health this past winter. They did well under my grow lights and seem ready for a spring revival but I am realizing that Harley is never coming home. Now, her Meyer lemon tree and mine sits outside my front door soaking in the new spring sun, growing and thriving, a vestige of Harley’s broken dreams. 

Harley just called me from the nursing home to tell me that she got her permanent done and she loves it. She feels respectable as she plans for her husband’s memorial service. I sort of think Harley will enjoy defying her daughter’s dictates too. Her daughter has finally planned a memorial service for her father. It will be in two weeks. Harley has asked me to stand beside her as she eulogizes her husband. I am sure that she is nervous about that and needs some moral support.I told her that it would be an honor to stand beside her. I believe that some in her family may not be happy about it. I will be praying for Shane’s family to find new avenues of connection in the days ahead. I pray that they could all listen more, compromise more and love one another as Jesus has loved them. Maybe then, a nursing home could qualify as a home.

* some of the names and stories are changed to protect privacy.

* the names were changed to protect privacy.

At War

It has been a long time coming but the bully of the Middle East has finally got its’ answer. When I was a kid, I remember a few fights breaking out on my walk home from school between boys. I remember kids lining up and choosing sides and cheering them on. A book of essays was written by Robert Fulghum in 1986 entitled, All I Really Need To Know I learned in Kindergarten.” I saw it one day as I perused a line of used book and I opened it up. It was a consideration of the good lessons that we learn when young. 

I learned a lesson watching those fights break out long ago. That lesson was that when someone has a big mouth and goads another boy on over and over that eventually they will come to blows. Words matter and some of those words were, “death to America.” If that was all there was that Iran had said to us, it is a threat. “Put up or shut up” would be the little boys answer. We should not be surprised if our words or actions are met with a response. That is a lesson that I learned when I was young.

Iran has been a rabid animal that needed putting down for a long time, forty-seven years to be precise. It started when they took American hostages in 1979. They stepped all over our flags then and now to show disrespect. A few years later, Iran was behind the suicide bombing in Lebanon carried out by the regime’s proxy Hezbollah. There was also the humiliation of the soldiers on the U.S.S. Cole. Iran never plays by Geneva Convention standards of wartime conduct as far as I can see. They also play the United Nations like a violin. All of the above actions were declarations of war against the United States and now they got what they were asking for, a wooping.

Iran clearly wants to commit genocide against the Jews because they have said so many times. How would you feel if they said it about your people? How many times do you have to hear an Iranian official declare that,”I would like to wipe Israel off the face of the map,” or hear about a Jewish school, grocery store or place of worship that was attacked before you see the crimes that the regime has perpetrated? There is literally no doubt that Iran has been paying for Hamas, Hezbollah and the Houthis to slowly kill Jewish civilians (hint:war crime) so they can take over their land. I don’t know why they and we didn’t have this fight before. 

I believe that at this point the Democrats of the United States will no longer support the State of Israel. The party moved in this direction under President Obama. He began to pivot his political party and our country towards Islamic relationships. Don’t get me wrong, the Abraham Accords are trying to create shared values, and form business and political alliances in a new way, but that will take time and understanding on both sides if people desire to move in a civilized and constructive direction. The whole concept is done in a much more realistic way than President Obama ever did it. This kind of relationship could flourish once the Iranian regime is vanquished and would be capable of helping make a positive change in the Middle East and in the world. The Abraham Accords could do much to legitimately move the Middle East and the West closer and I pray that all parties could make strides in loving one another and making the world a safer place.  

Whereas, Israel and the United States don’t necessarily have to sign any papers due to some shared behaviors and religious history. Here’s why we should all support Israel. They are the only democracy in the Middle East, That’s hugely important and it should be a role model for other nations. They live in a rough neighborhood and they have had to address that. This explains why they have to have a tough guy demeanor all the time. It is either fight or die for them that much is clear. They must be vigilant.

Next, the Jewish religion is the base upon which Christianity built its’ house and it is foundational to Western Civilization. Another natural bond exists because of that. The Jewish people have made innumerable contributions towards the advancement of Western Civilization and it is time that we in the West finally acknowledge that and respect that more.

However, without a Republican as Commander in Chief, I do not believe that this Iranian regime change would be happening which is all the more reason that now is the time to correct this forty-seven year blot upon a civilized world. There can be no doubt that Iran was about to go nuclear and frankly, they are not mature enough to handle such a responsibility. Evidence: they are trying to shut down international trade and sending bombs and drones at civilian populations as opposed to military targets like the United States is doing. As of this writing, Iran has attacked twelve countries. Airports and hotels are their targets and they even misfired a missile on one of their own schools and blamed others. Anyone want international shipping lanes to be free for international commerce to continue? Raise your hands. They are crazy and any country,(cough, cough…Russia and China), that supports them are crazy too. Do not trust nations that stand up for evil. Of course, you must know what evil is before you can do this. I pray the world can learn from this situation. I hope that you and I can too.

The Middle East has gone through many power shifts throughout the centuries. The Assyrians, Babylon, The Medo-Persians come to mind. It is the backdrop for the story of Daniel in the Bible. The Egyptians had their kingdoms and their imprint upon the Middle East and the world. There was the Ottoman Turks. The modern kingdom of Saudia Arabia, and the kingdoms that formed on the Arabian Peninsula where vast resources of oil were discovered. Now, Iran is determined to interrupt middle eastern business with the regimes’ last dying breath. 

The Sunni-Shiite split in Islam figures into everything happening as this drama unfolds too. The nations which have a mixture of Sunni and Shiite populations seem to be destined to fight endlessly. It must be said that many Iranians in the West celebrated the recent events including in the United States which has the largest Iranian population outside of Iran. They all have thrived and benefited from living in the United States and other Western countries where they came to escape the Islamic Revolution. 

The question is why did they not go to other Islamic countries where shared customs and religious beliefs could have made for an easier transition? It is because the United States is a more peaceful place, free from the endless wars that seem to continue in their place of origin. There is more opportunities for economic success here than in Iran too. The Iranian people need to respect that and stand up for the United States especially when fatwas are put out on the United States.  Many Sunnis have struggled with Iran but, did not move to counter the direction that rogue nation was taking the Middle East and the world into. They need to do better in the future to secure a better life for their countries and region.

War figures largely in humanities history but, what does the Bible say about it? Is there such a thing as a just war? Is war something Christians should completely refrain from as some Christian demoninations do? If war is necessary, what constitutes proper conduct? Let’s start with the cause of war. The cause of war is sin. Sin is an offense against God and one another. If war is occurring, someone, somewhere, sinned. If you would like an example of this, look at the story above again and think it over. 

It is not a sin to stand up to evil and it is even something that God himself will do at the end-of-times. He will do so in a very dramatic and violent way. He must or else he is not a God of justice. Heck, even little Seamus had to stand up to Dylan on my childhood streets or else Dylan would never stop embarrassing him, and stealing his lunch money. The Bible says that God can not tolerate evil forever and there has been and there always will be times when a tipping point is reached and he will once again intercede.

Only God is Holy, and we are not. Therefore, when God Himself acts in destroying something that action is Holy and when we wage a war or destroy something our aim is for that action to be “just.” A “just war” would not include hitting civilian targets on purpose. A just war is hitting military targets and the ability of that adversary to wage war. Collateral damage is not the same as hitting a kindergarten or a hospital on purpose. Unless, the adversary has chosen to house weapons or military facilities in those places. In that case, the enemy has acted to bring its’ own people into jeopardy and have acted cowardly and unjustly. Making someone into a “human shield” is the same thing and does not meet the standard of righteous. 

It is a shame that I have to say this in 2026 but, it is not just to rape and steal big screen tv’s during a war. The buzzer goes off as unjust to an exponential degree at this point. Hurting and killing children because you hate your fellow human beings so much….buzzer is sounding again, monstrously unjust. If you look at a child and wish to harm them because of your dispute with a neighbor then God is not within you. There is nothing Holy in any of these actions that I am discussing so, stop calling them okay. What about killing 30,000 of your own people? Is that okay that the Iranian regime is alleged to have done that? If, they were behind groups such as Hamas who had a plan to rape and kill women, children and humiliate male enemies then, a righteous nation or world should and must stop such a people. Nations acting thusly are legitimate candidates for delegitimization. It would seem evil not to stop all of these actions. 

Do I hate my enemy and is that okay? No, I have learned in my walk with the Lord to work through my feelings of hatred and make those thoughts line up with godly principle. It is one thing to be happy that Seamus is not being bullied by Dylan anymore but quite another to hate him for it. So to, the hatred of people who have hurt us and nations which we have grievances with, must be worked through. The Bible instructs us to even pray for our enemy. I have always found when I pray for my enemy eventually forgiveness can come into my heart about the matter and a genuine desire for their well-being blossoms.  

Another aspect of a just war would entail honest diplomatic attempts to work through issues before going to war. It must be examined if a nation is making a good faith effort towards solving a dispute or just wasting time as they keep enriching uranium or amassing more of a disputed territory. Just sitting at a diplomatic meeting does not mean that you are serious about trying to reach a fair solution to a problem. 

There are nations who are giving intelligence to Iran in order to hurt the United States or Israel and by doing so to advance their own agendas such as weakening our defenses. Unfortunately, before God this makes them co-conspirators in the rape, and civilian slaughters. They are a blood-stained nation before the Lord. The Bible tells us that God will judge the nations because of the evil they have done. The United States like all the nations of the world is not perfect. How can any of us say our nation is right before God? But, for all the above reasons it is acting justly in holding Iran accountable for their actions. This has been a longtime coming. Eventually, it will be up to the Iranian people to show what kind of nation and people they want to be. God is watching.