Who are the most unlovable people in society? My first inclination would be to say anyone incarcerated. Yes, the men and women who are in prison struggle to find acceptance in their families and in their communities.
For the people who are guilty, they are in prison because they have breeched societal and moral laws. The crimes run the gamut from smaller to larger. A person can have a traffic violation, be in for domestic abuse, drug charges all the way up to serial murder. Then there are the sexual crimes of rape and pedophilia. Nowadays, there also seems to be many cases of terrorism too.
How can we handle it when a family member or a friend is incarcerated? How does the man or woman in prison handle all of it? And, what is our approach if we are Christians? These are complex and challenging questions.
When someone you love is incarcerated there is a whole panoply of emotions released such as: anger, shame, and grief. There can be a sense of justice or even relief since families often know what their loved ones have been doing. Sometimes, the separation is welcomed when there has been ongoing abuse or criminality. There can even be guilt because, although we love someone, we are also glad they are not in the home anymore or we know that they deserve the punishment.
What of the person in prison? They too go through a vast array of similar emotions. They are embarrassed and ashamed. Many of them are deeply depressed. Some prisoners know they have done wrong and earnestly repent for what they have done. Some accept responsibility for what they have done and understand that they need to pay their "debt to society." Others, do not.
Often, incarceration represents the end result of a lifetime of dysfunction. Criminals just don't happen. They have to be taught to steal or beat their wives and then practice the behavior. Many people in prison have or will be diagnosed with a psychological ailment. Frequently, the family was in denial about the mental disorder all along or even negligent in the care of such a person. Do they also bear responsibility?
In the case of Harry*, he had a father who beat him and his mother. He ended up in prison for the same offense. Long-held family notions of female ownership and anger issues have been a recipe for family dysfunction for generations. Families are enablers when they allow bad things to go on and make excuses. When Harry got arrested and convicted for beating his wife, his children disowned him. Harry was heart-broken. He was lonely and wanted to receive telephone calls, letters and visits. His children wanted to forget about Harry. They hated him. They wanted to pay him back for all the wrong that he had done to them in their childhoods. Yet, will this bring them happiness? The answer is no.
Then there is the story of Darlene.* I reached out to help a disabled and traumatized girl at a church about seven years ago. Her name was Keisha.* Keisha was originally from Oakland, California but was residing in Westchester County, N.Y. while she attended NYU (New York University). She had been given a scholarship based on economic and social needs. She had a drive and motivation to get as far away from her mother, Darlene, and her dysfunctional family as was possible. She wrote a compelling essay to NYU with her college application describing the horrific circumstances of her life. Those circumstances included having a mother in jail for Grand Theft.
Darlene had taken advantage of not just a boss, but a college buddy who gave her a job when she was in need. She used her position as an accountant to steal $30,000 from her friend and employer. A man who gave her children Christmas gifts when they had none. A man who was loved by Darlene's children, especially Keisha, like family. If that wasn't bad enough, Darlene stole her daughter's identity and ruined her credit. Keisha had succeeded in gettting 3,000 miles away from her mother when she got accepted to NYU. She thought she had finally escaped from her mother, but had she?
Biblical wisdom and a relationship with God can give us insight into what we are feeling and lead us toward healing and regeneration. Do you remember the story of Judas Iscariot? He was one of the very closest associates of Jesus Christ. It is heart-breaking to think that one so close to Jesus would actually choose to betray him. Isn't it equally heart-breaking to think of how Harry and Darlene had chosen to betray those so close to them? The story of Judas Iscariot gives us much insight into the feelings we have as human beings when we feel betrayed. 'But Jesus said to him,"Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"-Luke 22:48. Through much prayer and supplication we can begin to develop an approach for dealing with the prisoners in our midst.
Just as Jesus advised his followers to not take revenge on those who betrayed Him, we are wise not to try to get back at people who have hurt us by hurting them back. Sometimes we wish to get our spouses or parents back for betraying us. But, we choose not to do that. This would only begin a process that will bring long-term bad results in our lives. "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword"-Mathew 26:52. Also in the Gospel of Matthew we read in Chapter 5:39 that if someone slaps us on one cheek we are to offer the other cheek. This is an often misunderstood verse, which really intends to show us the futility of the power struggle of revenge and violence.
In the above story, both Harry's children and Keisha had a partial motivation of paying back their loved ones by withholding mercy and love. But, they also mistrusted and feared their parent. Writing or visiting a family member does not mean you condone what they have done. It also does not mean ignoring the problems. In fact, it is critically essential to deal with the true facts of your family history and dynamics. You need to tell your incarcerated family member just how you feel. Are you physically, and emotionally safe in this relationship? If the answer is no, you need to stay away from that situation. But, it does not mean that you should not come to forgiveness and acceptance of the situation that you are in.
Processing the complex emotions that you have ensures that you will truly escape the family problems that may reach into your life. For example, Keisha managed to get far away from her mother. She did not want to talk or think about her mother. She was sure that she would never make any of the mistakes that her mother Darlene had made. But, the roots of family dysfunction reach deep into our life and we must work hard to weed them out. We might not realize that what we saw occurring in our childhood homes becomes our default setting of behavior. Keisha ended up taking advantage of a nice Christian guy that she dated. She used him financially. This left him feeling betrayed. She skipped out on rent with a roommate. She ended up using my address and claiming I was her mother. I received letters and telephone calls for years from billing agencies and car companies looking for payments from Keisha.
God tells us to forgive, so, that we can be forgiven for the things that we have done. Keisha needs to both forgive her mother and receive forgiveness from those she has hurt, including God. This is the human condition. We are sinners just as much as the imprisoned men and women that we may know. Hebrews 13:3 tells us "remember the prisoners." This verse encourages us to have mercy even for those people who have hurt us and others in a most egregious way. If we as Christians do not try to teach them about God, thereby ensuring their growth and change, who will?
There is hope that someone in prison can repent and change the whole direction of their life. That hope is in God Almighty. "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Write a letter to an incarcerated relative, tell them how you feel. Ask them why they did what they did and if they are sorry for it. Tell them about Jesus. Include this passage from 1 John 1:9 which says,"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
*names have been changed.
No comments:
Post a Comment