Do you believe that old expression, "It is better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all?" That expression always bothered me since I first heard it in childhood. It seems like such a negative view of the world and it's ability to love. Isn't it saying that this world is short on love, so be happy if you get some little crumb of love? This week I am reflecting on this topic.
Love and loss seems all around us some time. In this season of weddings, I was very saddened to learn that a wedding, which I was planning to attend, was canceled. The invitations had been sent, and I was already thinking what gift to buy for this couple and what I would wear to the event. A short time after that, I received a call from the mother of the bride tearfully telling me that the wedding was off!
I also learned this week that an old friend was moving to California. I was really saddened by this. Clara* was someone that I really connected to. Things had never been the same for Clara since she had gotten divorced from her husband. I know that moving nearer to some family members would make her feel less alone, but I sorely felt my loss. Our relationship would not be the same with her moving three thousand miles away.
This, at the same time that I had been estranged from my friend Frankie* for two months. Frankie stopped talking to me and my husband when he perceived that I did not support him as he struggled through a property-line dispute. I did not say or do what he expected me to do in the situation. As a result, he was done with me!
In the last couple of months I have been experiencing or seeing a lot of failed relationships. Gee, this love thing is not so easy. Should I just feel happy for the good times that I had with Clara and Frankie and accept that things change? Or, happy that the above-mentioned couple called off their wedding before they made a big mistake? Maybe.
But, what I really felt was a sense of loss. I felt the hurt and loss that this couple will feel as the result of their break-up. Each time we love and loose we will grapple with pessimism and trust issues. I felt the hurt and loss of time that I would have spent with Clara: doing crafts, laughing, and crying together. Face -to-face times of refreshment. There are no hugs while greeting her from my phone screen.
As far as my friendship with Frankie was concerned, it was hard not to get depressed over the loss of a close friend like Frankie. And for what? Because I didn't agree with the way he handled a dispute that he had with his neighbor? What more could I have done? I told him that I understood how he felt. I also took a lot of time to go over scripture which could support and help him toward a godly response.
A lot of love and loss occurs because we are unwilling to work on ourselves and work to maintain our relationships. We fail to appreciate the value of friends and family and take them for granted. Then, we miss them when they are gone. God is so patient with us, so we must be patient with others. God loves us with an everlasting love, so that must be our standard too.
Sometimes, like in the case of Frankie, we can not brook constructive criticism. We will break an engagement, ruin a good friendship, or reject a family member because we don't agree with something that is said to us. How foolish we are and how petty. Frequently people are telling us the truth. In my case with Frankie, I could not go along with his way of doing things. I knew it to be ungodly. As much as I loved him, I could not agree with him.
Sometimes, when we grew up in a family that did not know how to handle conflicts within their ranks or in the greater community properly, we struggle with this our whole lives. The result is broken family, friendships and conflict at work and in our neighborhood. It needn't be this way. In fact, a large swath of the Bible is concerned with teaching us new ways of living
.
What are some of these ways of living? Firstly, be self-aware. Far from the stereotype that the media plays of Christians being emotionally shut-down, the Word of God encourages us to "consider our ways." It is essential to reflect on our ways of doing things and think about the wisdom of our actions. Therefore, the Bible encourages us to have self-awareness.and to consider our thoughts and behavior very carefully. 'This is what the Lord God Almighty says," Give careful thought to your ways."-Haggai 1:7
Secondly, accountability is essential. We are to be accountable to God and one another. One of the foundations of a fulfilling relationship is accountability. In a loving relationship we need to be able to hear what others have to say about things and value their contributions to our life and well-being. We must humbly accept that we don't always see things clearly and further, that we don't know everything. "Without counsel purposes are disappointed :But in the multitude of counsellers they are established."-Proverbs 15:22
Finally, realize that people move away or pass away from this world every day. Therefore, treasure the moments that you have with people in your life. Appreciate the gift of friendship that has been given to you by God. Thank God for this gift and show appreciation. This won't heal every relationship or solve all your inter-personal problems, but it's a start!
P.S.- Good news everyone. Frankie and I have worked things out. However, my husband and Frankie have yet to patch things up. Please keep the situation in prayer. Thank you.
* the names have been changed.
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