"Once a cheater, always a cheater." "A leopard never changes its' spots." I don't believe any of those sayings. I don't think that you can neatly tie up the package of cheating and sum up a person's life like that. The damage that cheating does to a spouse, a family, and society is enormous. So, out of the pain that people experience over a cheating spouse, they can draw conclusions that are not always valid. They believe "all men are dogs." They think they can not trust anyone again.
But, is it fair to blame all men for what one person has done to you? And what of your part in in? What makes a person cheat? Does everyone cheat? Take the case of Emily.* She is only 25 years old but the other day she told her mother that she doesn't know if she can ever trust a man again. Emily just broke off her engagement to Bradley* after a friend exposed his cheating heart. When she confronted Bradley, he did not deny it. She was devastated. She should be on her honeymoon right now, but instead she is busy cleaning up all the messy details that occur when a couple breaks up. Believe me she is not the only one who ever picked up the broken pieces of their life after Bradley got through with them. There is also his baby mamma Stephanie*and his five year old son Connor.*
(He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself-Proverbs 6:32)
"Isn't Bradley's evil?" "Is Bradley just a bum?" Those are some of the things that Emily's mother asked me the other day. Emily's mother also wondered "whether everyone cheats?" I was shocked. Hadn't she reflected on her daughter's dating history and seen a pattern? Emily seems to have had one disaster after another with men. It just doesn't seem like an accident. Her first boyfriend was Romeo.* He was handsome and from a wealthy family in Connecticut. Romeo and Emily brought new meaning to the word shallow. In the end, instead of breaking off with Romeo first, and then dating someone else, there seemed to be a little overlap with her dating Eric. She had all sorts of justifications for why she dumped Romeo in a less than kind way, but the fact remains, she cheated on him. Romeo was devastated that she cheated on him. He trolled her on social media with abusive memes like you wouldn't believe! Eric ended up to be another useless boyfriend. What do you expect from a guy who takes up with another guys' girl so easily?
(Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known-Proverbs 10:9)
Emily's parents were Christians. They loved the Lord, but failed to see the challenge that Emily's secular high school was for her. They "were in the world and not of it," and thought that their children would simply follow suit. But, the world was winning over Emily's heart and mind. The insensitive hookup culture of ********* High seemed normal to Emily. That is what she saw, day in and day out. Guys didn't ask girls out on dates anymore, they were more likely to just try and make-out in an empty hallway or in someone's unsupervised home. Many of these teenagers' parents were movers and shakers in Manhattan law firms or New York area hospitals.
These parents grew up in the permissive parenting, free-love, and drug culture of the 1960's and 70's. Some of them, like Emily's parent, had found the Lord but many had not. New York has never recovered from the seismic cultural upsets of that period and went to atheism in one or two generations. The prevailing culture of New York sucks you in like a black hole. It is a lot like ancient Corinth (Romans 1:22-32). Some people wonder if New York is the Babylon referred to in the Book of Revelation! (Rev 18:1-8) New York is a great place to get a job but imagine being a Christian parent in such an environment! Many Christians are turning to home-schooling in a quest to successsfully raise God-honoring children. I think that is a great idea and I have seen good results.
Cheating is a mind-set. First and foremost, it is a de-valuing of your partner. It is a failure to treat them with the dignity that they deserve. Sometimes that comes from seeing your parents treat each other in de-valuing ways. Other times, it comes from a narcissistic attitude. The type of attitude that puts our feelings and needs above everyone else's. Some people overcome their cheating ways after taking a church marriage class. Learning better relationship skills and coping mechanisms can make all the difference in your present relationship. Why not give it a try?
The cheating mind-set always existed of course. You can see cheating exposed for what it is, in excruciating detail, in the story of David and Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 11:1-27) In our day and age, people sometimes take sexuality lightly, without the constraints of God's law to direct them. Such was the case with Bradley. Bradley got caught cheating just one month before his wedding because he was bragging about cheating all over town. Is cheating sometimes an inability of people to be intimate? Yes, it is. Some of you reading this may wonder what real intimacy is. Perhaps you have never felt it in your family or with your partner. Real intimacy is not gauged by your family get-together on the Fourth of July or Christmas. These events are often superficial contrivances.
(I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth-Genesis 9:13)
What about sex? How does that play in? Bradley thought sex was real intimacy. Many people do. No, real intimacy means patience and committment through both the good times and the bad. It is measured in communication, and service to one another. It takes time to develop. We need to make having quality time with one another a priority. I don't mean a "how are you?" every Sunday or Thanksgiving. Intimacy grows when you take the time to learn about some one's hopes and dreams and you share your life with one another.
When you hold a hand to comfort in times of trouble or pray with someone, intimacy grows. What role does sex play in marital intimacy? Many people are just seeking the pleasure of the sexual moment and the excitement of each new conquest. This will never fully satisfy and will eventually leave a person empty and depressed. The gift of real sexual intimacy grows from time spent working on your marital relationship. It reflects the commitment that you make and what you put into your relationship. So, if you are not happy in your marital sex life, look at where you need to improve as a spouse. (Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous-Hebrews 13:4) Sometimes our family and friends have not been good role-models for fidelity but, we can look to God Almighty and get the perfect picture of faithfulness. In Deuteronomy 31:8 we see this. "And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."
*Names changed
********Names of schools not mentioned.
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