I have been watching a friend throw herself at a man, and it is hard to watch. All sorts of things are going through my mind about it. The first thing was a funny and sad book that was written in 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called, He's Just Not That Into You. This book highlights many letters written by women to Greg asking him for advice about their love life. He inevitably answers all the inquiries with the phrase he's just not that into you and then explains why.
My regular readers will be familiar with the name Shannon* whom I highlighted last year in my blog post, Love Gone Wrong. This is one of my top ten most popular blog posts. If you have not read it already go to this March 2016 post to give yourself some background on this story. Here is an update on Shannon. Shannon has now been divorced almost a year. She is hardly the person I used to know. Divorce changes a person.
This whole thing has broken her in many ways. The truth is she was never as strong as she pretended to be. None of us are. Divorce is like climbing Mount Everest. It is a challenge, you know it's going to be a challenge. You know that all your resources: physical, emotional and spiritual will be tested. Many people that I know think divorce will bring them the happiness that has alluded them. People have all sorts of pre-conceptions about what divorce will be like. But, then you face the mountain, and it's a monster!
Shannon's husband hooked up with a younger woman and if that isn't bad enough, he has continued to squeeze her financially in any way that he is able. He just never lets up in his quest to stealthily steal anything that he can from Shannon, even after their divorce. This includes wheeler-dealer tactics as they sold their former marital abode. She won't tell me exactly what happened, because she doesn't want to even think about it. She doesn't want to think about a lot of things. She did let me know that he managed to keep the majority of the profit from the sale of that house. I think she is embarrassed that she just can't handle this fight anymore. She has always seen herself as a scrappy Irish fighter, but all the fight seems to have gone out of her. She is struggling to understand who she really is in light of this divorce.
If only she could see some of these events in the light of God's love and comfort. If only she could understand the Christian lifestyle, including marriage advice. This would help her to understand what she has done to contribute to her divorce and how turning to God at this time in her life could assure a different outcome the next time. She so wants a new man in her life, but what sort of a man will Shannon get? What are the possibilities?
The people we choose as mates most often represent our level of maturity and wisdom. They also seem to show patterns that were ingrained in us as children. Without God's assistance in our dating life we can easily slip into unhealthy and dissatisfying relationships. Shannon's parents were divorced when she was just a toddler, thereby normalizing divorce for her. She has never questioned divorce or its meaning. Her husband had been the divorced father of two small boys when she met him 14 years ago. He get sole custody of those two boys in the divorce. She didn't think much about that or question him about the reason for the divorce. Of course, he blamed it all on his ex-wife. That is always a red-flag for me!
I remember at the time, Shannon was head-over-heels in love with this guy. She asked me what I thought of the situation. At the time, I questioned her about marrying a divorced man. I told her that when my husband carried me over the "threshold", I knew that I was the only one who he had done that with. When we started the grand adventure of marriage, we would both be exploring it together for the first time. I asked her why he got divorced and why he had sole-custody of the children. Her reply was that "this woman was evil" and that "she wanted nothing to do with these children." Shannon could fill in no more details than that. It sounded like she was reading from a scripted version of what really happened. I wondered aloud what his ex-wife might opine.
Those questions were answered for me as I watched in horror when Shannon went through her own divorce with her husband Rocky.* Suddenly, Rocky began depicting her as evil and trumped up allegations against her aimed at winning sole-custody of their one child together. Well now, Shannon is head-over-heels in love with Shaun.* Surprised? He has been married two times and I am not sure that he is divorced from his second wife. Shannon told me that she thinks "he just married the wrong women." She (Shannon) is "nothing like his second wife."
Shannon and Shaun knew each other in high school and through the marvels of the Internet she and he are able to communicate daily via Facebook, FaceTime and instant messaging. He currently resides in the state of Texas and she lives in Westchester County, N.Y. They have been communicating electronically for about a year and a half. They met briefly last fall when he breezed through town on his way to visit his family who reside in the Northeastern United States. Rather than have a cordial and romantic evening, Shaun and Shannon immediately had a disagreement and Shannon asked Shaun to leave. The feelings that get aroused electronically can never equal the in-person expectations that are generated. Shaun and Shannon both take perfect selfies but it does not seem real to me.
The realities of heartbreak and the dissapointments of life can not be effectively alleviated via text messaging. The best it can do is numb us temporarily or give us false courage like an alcoholic beverage might. Just like an alcoholic beverage, sometimes when we wake up from the stupor, we understand it was not reality. Shannon has told me that she loves this man. Shannon does have other possibilities too. She has been asked out to dinner by a number of men locally. But, these men can't seem to hold a candle to this long-distance boyfriend and she ends up ending every encounter after a single date. It seems surreal, almost like one of those prison romances. We have all asked ourselves, what those are all about?
Shaun or a prison pen-pal can not dissapoint by dropping tomato sauce on their tie or eating with their mouth open. You won't have any conflicts about what movie to see or what restaurant to go to. Maybe, Shannon and Shaun don't want to get hurt again as they did in their marriages. No blended family problems, or fighting about money, sounds good right? Wrong. Shaun and Shannon are merely putting a bandaid on their broken lives when in fact it looks like they need a more comprehensive treatment. Beware of things which make you feel good for the moment but fail to satisfy. Pornography, alcohol, and drugs fall into this category, as does excessive shopping. Online romances are frequently a fantasy like video games. You feel all puffed up, as if you just really slayed a dragon or think, this man really loves me.
Shannon texts Shaun when she is bored at work or has a break in her day. She has a distraction to detract from the workplace stress that she needs to find a solution for. He feels desirable again but doesn't have to face his fear of committment issues. The truth is, whenever Shannon tries to get a little closer, he does not text or call her back. He is just not that into her! He avoids her texts if she gets too emotional or if their online musings are getting a little too real for him. She doesn't have to face the character issues that she really needs to work on and neither does he. This is not a good thing. Their character issues have, and will continue to, effect those around them including their children, family and workplaces. God has a better plan for all of us. He wants our character and relationships to point to higher and more eternal principles. Those principles include hope, working through problems, and meaningful relationships with Him and one another.
* the names are changed. Actually, my friend asked me to call her Shannon, if I ever told her story on this blog.
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