For some, their purpose for attending Church, is not what it would seem. A Church is a place of worship, fellowship and learning. A place of healing where miracles happen in people's lives as they come to know and grow in the knowledge and relationship of God. So, it should come as no surprise that we see people in varying stages of spiritual sickness and wellness in the congregation. I have talked a lot about that in my blog.
The Church is, or should be, a spiritual emergency room, not a phony-baloney holier than thou club. We should be fully equipped to deal with those souls in need of assistance, but often we are not. Instead of truth and a safety net, sometimes people feel stymied and afraid to be less than perfect in the Christian Church. They are afraid of people's judgement, or worse yet rejection and gossip! This is not how it should be. If you have felt this at a church then, that Church has departed from the message of the Bible.
There are churches out there, that are not equipped to help those struggling with lust, covetousness or addictions. Jesus came that we might be set free from sin and ungodliness. The Bible shows us that our changed life is a sign to others of Gods' power to transform the circumstance. So, if we are afraid to discuss the mess that we are in, and how God can change a life, we might as well take the CHURCH SIGN DOWN AND GO HOME. It is important that we as Christians lend a helping hand, and point one another to the Savior and His redemption.
But, as I have said before, there are some who enter through the Church doors who are not what they seem. They have a mindset that often requires a miracle to cure. The condition that they are afflicted with is called sociopathy. Estimates say that about one per cent of women and three per cent of men may suffer from this. On a practical level, that means that churches may assume that out of a hundred men and women in a congregation, that a handful of them may be effected by this problem.
Lies and Manipulation
Jill* was a beautiful 40 year old divorcée who had just moved to Westchester County from Syracuse, New York, to start a new life with her children. When she met Wayne*, it was the perfect storm. Wayne had recently went through a divorce himself and, in the process of searching for meaning in his life, he had come to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. As a new believer, he had quite a few things to learn. First of all, there is no such thing as missionary dating. That means that when you meet a person whom you might consider dating, the first thing that you should look for is that they are a fellow Christian. Secondly, he had not yet understood the biblical definition of a good woman. See Proverbs 31.
Although Wayne sincerely wanted to follow the Lord, he was flattered by all the attention Jill was giving him and all of the things she was doing for him. She moved right in with flattery, helpfulness and a whole lot of sexy. She even told him that she wanted to come to Church with him. This made him very happy. But, just because he was a Christian didn't mean that this relationship wasn't the blind leading the blind. This relationship moved very fast and pretty soon, they were married. It was then that Wayne's life took a dramatic turn for the worse.
Jill and Wayne moved into a million dollar home with an indoor swimming pool, and enough bedrooms to house all of their children but, this was not one big happy family. From the onset this marriage failed to thrive and had a myriad of issues. Those issues made Jill reach out to me one Sunday at the Church's coffee hour. She knew that I had done an intensive bible study program on marriage and wondered if I might come over for a cup of coffee and some prayer. I assented and came to visit Jill at her luxurious home. Jill and I sat down to coffee and scones in a drawing room reminiscent of a "Downton Abbey" setting. Jill was distraught and downright nervous as she regaled me with tales of her disasterous marriage.
The problems that she described were extreme. Some red flags went up for me immediately at that first conversation. Was she telling the truth? Was she in an abusive marriage or was this something else? I was unsure what was really going on but, as a Christian I wanted to be helpful in any case. She told me that her husband was a hypocrite, and the opposite of a godly Christian man. He did not want to support his stay at home wife and she had to beg him for money. According to her, he favored his children from his first marriage and was neither loving nor supportive of hers'. This part wasn't so far from the array of issues and feelings normally experienced in a blended family.
However, this was not all, according to Jill. Wayne's children told a child guardian that they did not want to sleep at their dad's home because of Jill. The judge agreed! Jill blamed Wayne's lazy spoiled daughters and their vindictive mother, who wanted to ruin her marriage, for all of these problems. She continued and explained that her husband blamed her for this and, in addition, for a fight that she had with his parents. She characterized his parents as terrible people. She told me that now that she had become a Christian, she wanted to save her marriage because she knows that is pleasing to God! That sounded good I thought.
But, I found out over time that saving a marriage for her meant getting her husband to fork over the dough for her lavish lifestyle and cutting everyone out of Wayne's life except her. At first, she told me that she thought the Church's marriage ministry could help them. I agreed that a great first step was to start their marriage off on the right foot by clarifying godly principles of family life. On my part, I sat down with her and studied bible verses which I thought could be helpful. Sometime later, Wayne and Jill began seeking help for their marriage through the Church.
Pretty soon, the Church Marriage Ministry was cracking under the pressure. It was creating factions on the Church team, something our faith cautions against. The Pastor and his wife even had a fight or two concerning this couple. The Marriage Ministry had never dealt with such deep and intense problems before. Realizing this, the Church recommended that Wayne and Jill see a Christian marriage therapist. For me, it appeared that a pattern was emerging. Wherever Jill went, trouble followed.
It only got worse. Fights at funerals, charges of stalking, anonymous letters and many ruined family activities. Every three months, either Wayne or Jill threatened to divorce one another. This was as dysfunctional as it got. The worst part was the damage that this did to the family, friends and children of this couple. It was making everyone sick. Wayne developed high blood pressure and suffered a mild stroke. I even believe that Jill's son had a resurgence of childhood asthma due to the extreme stress of his family situation.
I began to realize that I had come face to face with a sociopath! Jill had no friends, but she drew people to herself by playing on their sympathy. When they were not useful to her, she unceremoniously dumped them. She played the good wife and sacrificing mother but I saw evidence to the contrary. When Jill's mask would come down, I saw callous indifference to her son's asthma attack's and downright hatred for her husband's children. Evidence emerged of her trying to move money in her husband's financial accounts without his knowledge.
I also noticed that Jill always had to be the center of attention. It was absolutely beyond the pale to see the lengths that she would go to remain central, even creating drama if necessary. When her brother was receiving too much attention at his own engagement party, Jill seemed to pick a fight with him and seemed to purposely say things to embarrass him on his special day. Another time, at a party I threw, the adulation my cello playing friend was receiving seemed to be too much for Jill. So, in the middle of a Bach movement, she started to ask the musician a question. I quickly quieted her down, but honestly, who does that? She even said some very inappropriate things to a few Christian men that day.
Yet, even after all this, I fervently was hoping for a miracle to transform her life. I kept hoping for her to hear, that sermon or, apply that bible verse. She seemed miserable and unable or unwilling to make a change. Many people at Church shunned her. Even her own family had to keep their distance from her when she was at her worst. What is the truth about the "sociopath in your pew?" Are they responsible for what they do or are they just mentally ill? Her brother told me that Jill has never taken responsible for any of the awful things that she has done throughout her life and that she never ever says that she is sorry! How chilling is that? Lack of remorse is one of the characteristics of a sociopath. How can salvation be available to an individual who seems absolutely incapable of repentance? Is she beyond prayer or a miracle? What steps must a church take to treat people humanely and still effectively contain a situation so that it does not jeopardize the proper function of a congregation?
Sociopaths exist in our family, church and place of employment. We must try to follow God in the midst of the challenges they pose. Only with our focus on the Lord can we have patience, hope and love. It is important that we not get caught up in their drama and manipulations. If it seems crazy, it is crazy. Don't doubt your gut instinct. If a person seems unstable we can pray for them, and offer godly advise. But, do not give them personal information that they may use to hurt you or other Church members. Do not give them money thinking that this is Christian charity. Jill asked me for a loan using her engagement ring as collateral. She kept that ring in a vault. So, I asked her to produce the ring, so that I could have it appraised. When I said that, she quickly backed off her request. She was looking for a patsy, not a responsible exchange of money. It is better to confront a sociopath directly. So, maybe not kick them out of church but give them a choice of following godly personal conduct standards and choosing to be part of the Body of Christ. If they are trying to pull a con, chances are knowing that you are on to them, would make them choose to leave. As Christians, let us live in prayer and hope that any person may come to know Jesus and change their ways.
Next Week: Groping, what Is This Hollywood?
* the names and some details are changed.
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