The first time that I was groped, I was riding a New York City Subway at rush hour. I was thirteen years old. Barely able to give up my dolls as I began high school, I could scarcely imagine what was happening to me. My first thought was disassociative and fearful. I thought that "this touch must be an accident, because the subway is so crowded." So, I moved the few inches away that were available to me, and the man just moved toward me again. I knew that I had been violated but I did not yet have a word to describe it. I quickly pushed through the crowd and got out of that subway car as quickly as I could. That night my mother comforted me and gave a name to what had just happened to me. She told me it was called "groping."
What an evil world we live in. To think that there are those around us who, like the man on that subway, develop a strategy to prey upon people sexually. They do not have a normal sex life. They have justified in their mind why it is okay to sexually touch a child or teenager that they see, or even someone under their care. They have spent time and put thought into how to make it look innocent. They even shop for the most favorable location, such as crowded trains during rush hour. They are big time sinners. Oh Lord help us.
The world is reeling right now after case upon case of sexual predation is revealed. It seems everyday there are dozens of articles about people in movie, television, politics, and the teaching profession who are accused or have been arrested for some form of sexual crime. It seems so out of control. How did we let it get so bad? How did we fall so far from God's sexual standards for us? The answer begins in our rebellion against God and His statutes. Just like Eve in the Garden Of Eden, we desire parity with God Almighty. We want to create our own standards for what is right and wrong.
But, if history has shown us one thing, it is that when left to our own devices, the standards we develop will be screwed up. What does God do with His authority? He creates. He loves in an everlasting way. He gives perfect justice. He does not abuse His Authority but wields it with righteousness. What do we do? We destroy, and we develop systems of inauthentic love. We have justice for hire and we wield our authority with corruption and selfishness. Understanding this is the beginning of cleaning up the sexual cesspool that characterizes our world at the moment.
The fall from innocence that happened when I was first groped at the tender age of thirteen, lead me to develop tactical moves and defensive positions to stand-up to those who would so cruelly use me. I thought that I was in control and victorious. It had been a very long time since I had to deal with this issue on a personal level, but the time came in the last place that I ever expected such a thing to happen-Church.
Theoretical, I knew that it happens there, but deep in my heart I thought that Church was one of the places that I could truly relax and feel safe. That conclusion came to an abrupt end when one day an usher inappropriately touched me. "Why didn't I scream out or draw people's attention to what ******* was doing? Why didn't I tell him off?" The answer that I have will be the same response that women have always given to answer these questions. ******* was an usher at Church, a position of authority. He was one of the insiders at this Church and many members of his family were involved in Church ministries. They taught Sunday School, ran the church kitchen, cleaned and did maintance. This Church was his petty fiefdom and he felt safe and shameless before his family and God. Thank you God, that You give perfect justice in the fullness of time.
My immediate reaction was not unlike that which I felt all those many years ago. I felt violated and hurt. But with adulthood, I was able to give voice to my deeper thoughts,questions and emotions in a more substantial way. "Why did he do that? Why didn't he know that this was wrong before God? After all, he attends bible study, Sunday Service and goes on religious retreats every year. Why such disconnect between what he learned in a lifetime of church attendance and his actions?" All these thoughts crossed my mind immediately. Also, "does his wife or the rest of his family know? How could they not?" Perhaps, I thought, some of them had been victimized too.
I told my husband and best friend at Church. They all felt the same emotions that I did and inevitable frustration concerning confronting a person in a position of authority. Would I be believed? Would I have to leave the Church? Did this Church lack discernment? As the three of us endeavored to answer the many questions and emotions that emerge when people are victimized in any way, some answers began to emerge. Firstly, through observations at Church. Over time, we determined that****** was one of those expert's at making things look like they are all innocent. For example, under the guise of being the good usher, ******* placed a Church blanket on a young woman then patted her upper thigh in the process. Or there was the several women that he gave inappropriately tight hugs that could be characterized less as a good natured bear hug and more as an attempt to get intimate knowledge of a woman's frame.
Secondly, we began to see the family and church system which allowed his behavior to go unabated for so long. I believe God gave me some insight into this sin and it's ecosystem. After service one Sunday, as many were enjoying fellowship and coffee, we were discussing a scripture passage that one of the men, Corey*, had brought up for discussion. Much to my surprise, *******'s wife came over and joined our table. Surprised, because, in this Church everyone seemed to have their own table sort of like high school. Her husband then quickly and rather awkwardly sprinted over to join our group.
I can't remember the Bible verse up for discussion that day. Corey had recently begun to bring a bible verse every Sunday to Church for us to ponder during coffee hour. But, out of the blue ******* started to discuss the topic of how his childhood Church was very affectionate. Everyone at the table except *******and his wife were surprised by the sudden and strange change of topics. He obviously had something on his mind. Was the guilt killing him? Or, did he have the obsessive need to justify his actions to himself and others?
He claimed that his childhood Church was very affectionate. He reminded us that the Bible tells us to greet each other with a holy kiss and so it was practically compulsory! How arrogant and evil does someone have to be to use God's Holy Word to justify groping!? The table discussion turned toward a discussion of proper boundaries and godly love. The discussion became heated. That's because there was a great big pink elephant in the middle of this room and we all were grappling with it in one way or another. I can't say that we made a dent in *******'s thinking that day. I saw a man in complete denial about the truth. I also saw how a wife can defend her husband out of a misguided sense of what submission to your husband entails. I saw loyalty to sin.
I was very unhappy with myself and the way that I handled the whole situation. I know part of being a godly woman is standing up for what is right and standing against what is wrong. None of us gets it right every time. Only God does. Besides forgiving the groper, I had to forgive myself. I saw nepotism in this Church. I was afraid of confronting a system which I thought would favor the groper. I was reminded that I was not as big or tough as I thought, and how very much that I needed a Savior.
Should a Church be a place where one expects fair treatment? Of course. The Church should follow biblical mandates of conduct and when disputes arise it should be settled accordingly. Groping should not exist in a Church but as long as sin exists, we we have to grapple with these issues. If we could handle these problems better than Hollywood does, imagine what a change Christians could make in our world. We must strive for that. We can not do it apart from God.
I left that Church for that and a variety of reasons. A short time after that, when I was shopping at Sam's Club, I ran into a lady who still attends that Church. She gave me a big hug and told me that she missed me. "Why did you stop coming was it because of.........never mind" she said. "No," I replied,"wait a minute did you have a problem with him too?" "Yes", she said. "I am so sorry, did you tell anyone." I asked. "No and for the same reason you didn't. ******* has made himself indespensible plus, I don't think anyone really cares."
******* -the perpetrator, and *-one star is a changed name.
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