What is the role of the Pastor's wife in the Ministry of a church? Well, the Catholic clergy does not get married so they don't have to answer that question. Although, that predicament presents a whole other host of questions. "I feel another blog post coming on, or perhaps, a blog post series."
Let's look at some answers to that question and see how they have worked out for some churches here in Westchester County, New York. The first answer that I have seen implemented is that She Has No Role. I think the logic of that seems to go along the lines of, if your husband is a computer programmer does that mean that you have the ability to program code too? No, of course not. So why would a Pastor's wife have a special role other than that of any other congregant in a church? So, if the Pastors wife sang, she would join a choir no different than you or I might do if that is how God equipped us to contribute to our faith community.
The problem that I have seen with this model is that for better or worst, people impart a significance to the wife of a Pastor and often look to her for guidance or leadership. They often, as in Church A, feel that, if the pastors wife suggests a course of action that it has a special gravitas to it. Pastor's wife A, suggested a bible study book for the church youth that a number of the other youth ministers did not like. If it was you or I suggesting that book, it would have been discussed and thrown out with good theological basis sooner rather than later. But, at Church A some in the youth ministry leadership were practically casting lots to see who would tell this to the Pastor's wife. On the other hand, a few Pastor's wives that I know have suggested that the Church A model has given them maximum flexibility in their professional life.
Now Church B has the opposite approach. This church feels as if a Pastor's family Marries Into The Ministry, especially the Pastor's wife. The Pastor's wife should have her hand in all of the ministries. In this case, Chelsea* was not up to the role that had been prescribed for her. She happened to have a lovely singing voice and sang in the choir. She showed up at many Ministry events to show support. One day, she approached me and told me she would be starting a women's bible study soon and asked me if I would come. What could I say but, yes.
I had the distinct feeling that Chelsea was giving this the hard sell. I felt a little pressured to attend. After all, I didn't want the Pastor's wife to be mad at me. I already attended another bible study at a more convenient time. However, I love to study the Bible so I made the decision to throw myself into the series that she was hosting. A huge problem emerged almost immediately. I can't believed I am going to tell the truth y'all but, it was the worst bible study that I have ever attended in my entire life.
You name it and it was a problem. She was ill prepared for the topic at hand. When questions emerged she was ill-equipped to reply to them. Even the most basic Christian 101 questions were a problem for her. I think that she knew the Bible much better than she indicated that day. She was just not a teacher of it. I was shocked. But what shocked me the most was everyone's reaction to it in the room. Have you ever heard of the children's story entitled, The Emperor's New Clothes? It tells the story of people unwilling to tell the truth concerning what a certain Emperor was wearing.
Every week, less and less women attended this Bible study series. I could see that Chelsea felt humiliated and frustrated. I thought about leaving too but kept hoping things would turn around. But, the straw that broke the camels back for me was when a women reached out for help during a bible study. She was asking for biblical advice and clarity for future decisions she needed to make. These issues were important. They concerned sexuality and even the role of the church in her elderly Christian mother's life.
What came out of Chelsea's mouth was anything but biblical. In fact there was nothing Christian about it at all. Chelsea had shown a certain blind spot in her own Christian walk and she was misleading someone who really needed help. This is something not taken lightly in the Bible when it says, not many should teach. Needless to say that study very quietly got shut down.
I have also been at churches in Westchester County who subscribe to the First Lady Approach. I will call this approach, Church C. At one of those churches the Pastor's wife literally dressed like Jackie Kennedy every Sunday! She was quite a well-dressed women in the tradition of a United States Presidents wife. For a lot of U.S. History the role of the U.S. Presidents wife was hugely ceremonial. They were meant to enhance the image and standing of the President and the country.
While I have no doubt this woman loved the Lord, I did not see any other huge role besides what the U.S. Presidents wife traditionally did. She did not answer the phone at church. She was not a church greeter, and she did not head any Ministry nor participate in them as a member. She did not wash windows. She supported her husband spiritually and materially. That of course is an important job for any wife. However, in her case, she gave the appearance of supporting a V.I.P. He was either a U.S. President or a very important preacher.
There is a rigidity in certain churches to the question of the Pastor's wife role in their community. This seems to be the result of the traditions that have developed over the years. When we as Christians do things based on our own traditions, and not on the leading of God we can loose that brilliance that comes from being a Holy Spirit-filled church. When we recognize Jesus as the head of our Church, we soon realize that the anointing will go to those best suited for the various ministries of a church. The Bible tells us many stories of God’s approach. It frequently thwarts our goals, such as when Samuel the Prophet attempts to install his sons to replace him. Or, consider God’s anointing of King David over all the more traditional candidates. God’s ways are higher than ours. This frequently is reflected in unexpected choices and roles played out in the life of His Church.
* not her real name.
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