I have a little problem. It appears someone whom I love is thinking about flying to Cuba, marrying a woman he has never met and bringing her back to live in the United States. Why does stuff like this always happen to me? Enrique*and I have developed a really close relationship in the past decade. I sense that this online romance could jeopardize all that. Why? Because, he wants my approval. He wants me to tell him that, “I can’t wait to meet her.” Or,” as long as you are happy, I am happy.” He hasn’t asked my opinion yet but, I know that it is coming to that.
We live in times where people are unwilling to accept that someone may have a different point of view. I see this in the church, schools, the workplace and at home. The Bible speaks of times when people will, “not tolerate sound doctrine”-2 Timothy 4:3. If ever that time has existed, it is now. People just go off and join a new church if they hear something that they do not want to hear.
The workplace is an absolute battleground in this war. Reckless people will sue employers because they feel they were treated unfairly. What ever happened to just moving on and finding a new position that you might like better? Not to mention that sometimes we have trouble at work because we are a hothead, or we are taking things the wrong way. Oh no, did I just say that?
In this cancel culture there are so many punishments exacted for the crimes of saying something someone did not like. You can be thrown off social media, or worse the big brother government will tax you, or litigate you right into the poor house if the social justice warriors don’t ruin you first.
What about consequences in the family for not towing the party line of what you are suppose to say and do? They can be just as serious. I experienced consequences for not “going along to get along.” Back then I really didn’t care as long as I thought that what I was saying or doing was right with God. Oh, the clarity of youth! One area that I definitely got blowback about was my growing faith in God that went beyond our families Sunday church service.
You see, I did not come from a Christian family. My dad told me that he was an agnostic and we would have religious debates from time to time. My mother took me to church but, then lived the way that she wanted to. On some level she encouraged me to be a Christian. She gave me a children’s bible when I was very young. She fostered my interest in topics of religious note by making sure that I had books and materials on whatever topics that I was interested in. Yet, she herself struggled to reconcile her life with Jesus and his teachings.
My situation with Enrique reminds me of some childhood experiences, except for one thing. Enrique is or was a committed Christian. That should make a huge difference in the way that we interact. Some fruit of the Holy Spirit should come into play in the way of patience, kindness, and good judgement on both of our sides. Disagreeing per say should not result in cutting each other out of our lives.
Lately, I have questioned just where Enrique is with the Lord because he has not been himself for quite some time. He pulled away from me and stopped telling me what he was thinking or feeling. I sensed he was depressed and falling away from his church but, I couldn’t be sure because he didn’t seem to want to talk about it.
Now, he has that new romance glow about him, maybe a better word is euphoria. Or, is it grandiosity? I am not sure. He is flying high as a kite on the notion that a woman that he has never met, and who is ten years younger than him is going to be his wife. What makes him think that getting to know someone on social media or even on telephone calls is akin to the old-fashioned testing ground of the date? Think about it. You can learn a lot on a date or even seeing how someone gets along at church or on the job.
When people get ready for their FaceTime or zoom meeting it is a little theatrical. They are checking on the lighting or what angle could show their best side. Hmm, what is behind me, I don’t want to show the messy part of my room or the hallway where people might be walking by. In other words, it is one big fantasy where we are the stars. I think that is what Enrique is looking for. Is that what Samson was looking for too?
I saw this when he sent me some pictures of Manuela*. She was always in some sort of sexy pose. She always had a low cut this or a tight that. I noticed she had some sort of beauty app on. When I went to the App Store to read about it, it confirmed my thoughts. The app can erase acne, smooth out wrinkles and create an ambient light environment. It can even slim down our features.
This past week Enrique did indeed reveal that he was recently depressed until he met Manuela. Now he claims that he is in a positive frame of mind and making good plans for his future. All because he met someone online. I think this is exactly how Samson felt. Or, even part of how Eve felt in the Garden of Eden when she was making some plans for the future with the devil. Then, it all came crashing down.
The situation in Cuba is dire for many people. The use of marriage in order to get to the United States is quite common. Many people use others as a stepping stone to a better life with no concern for the pain and suffering it may cause. There are many reasons why I suspect that this may be the case. As I write this, I struggle to think of what is the best way to handle this. Should I directly confront him or should I mind my own business? After all, he has chosen not to ask my opinion. He probably knows what I am thinking. Maybe he reads my blog?
Sometimes, we are stuck in something and we can’t see the forest for the trees. That is when we should seek godly counsel. But, that is such a buzz kill isn’t it? Sometimes, we just want to go to people who will agree with everything that we say. In the book of proverbs we can identify many verses having to do with seeking godly advise. Here is one of my favorites: Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days. Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand-Proverbs 19:20-21. I think it is helpful to pray, study the Bible and speak to someone who may be seeing things more clearly than we might. Sometimes others recognize patterns that we may not be seeing. Boy, do I see a pattern in Enrique’s case.
I sense that where women are concerned Enrique is blinded. It is more than blindness of course, there is also sin involved. It is one of those generational sins too. Enrique’s father was married to a good Christian woman. She kept him on the straight and narrow as much as anyone could tame a wild bull. When she passed away, his true self emerged in total. In his old age, he hooked up with a super young, heroin addict who moved in with him. The heroin didn’t matter only pounding that young flesh. It was awful. When I met this women and her scary addict friends I told him to get rid of her and to go to church!
His answer to me, was exactly like a replay that I got from a number of other men in this family. Enrique’s father said,”you want me to go to church don’t you and marry one of those old church ladies?” My answer with a smile was simply, “why yes, I do.” I also had a number of encounters with Enrique’s brother Adonis* over the years as he worked through his massive women problems. Once such case involved a woman, Philomena.*
He was engaged to Philomena and was planning a huge wedding in the Philippines when, I got a distraught call from Adonis one day. His wedding, and all the money that he had laid our for it, including fatting an ox and growing food for an entire village, had just been cancelled. What a sad occurrence and I felt sorry for Adonis. What the devil could have happened?
Apparently, in a fit of conscience, Philomena had confided in the priest who was running their pre-marriage class that she had married another man in order to get into the United States. She had never divorced him and didn’t even know where he was! The priest of course understood to marry Adonis would be bigamy and, even marrying after a divorce is prohibited in the Catholic Church. He advised her to tell Adonis in his office. Whereupon Adonis gets an unscheduled call from the priest to come in for a meeting. Naturally, Adonis was surprised and wanted to know why. The priest was trying not to say the reason but, eventually had to tell him to come in right away because Philomena had something important to tell him. I am so glad that he did not drive off the road. I was just happy that he found out before the wedding. Another family story involved Enrique’s son. He got married to a beautiful woman from Venezuela. They were married for a number of years. The exact number seemed to be related to the time that she needed to get her United States working papers.
Yes, Venezuela that has more beauty queen title recipients than any other place in the world. Get the picture? The picture being that finding a beautiful woman and forging ahead despite addiction, or being used for an entry into the United States seems to be a way of life in this family. When Enrique had first become a Christian it seemed that he immediately got clarity on marriage and relationships. He saw the difference between deep and abiding love and commitment versus, what he had seen around him. He was able to articulate so many insights into what the Bible teaches on this topic.
He saw God’s love for us as a role model for what he wanted his relationships to look like. He started reading books on the topic. Anyone ever read, The 5 Love Languages, The Love/Dare Challenge or The 5 Love Languages of Apology? Well, Enrique did read those books and more. As he studied Christian concepts of love and marriage, he seemed like a thirsty man in a desert.
It was amazing for me to see his transformation. At the time, he was separated from his wife. With all his fervent prayers and all that he had learned, he was hoping for a reconciliation. Sadly, that never happened. As the years went by, Enrique either didn’t want to or couldn’t meet a woman at church. He had grown desperate. I think that his loneliness drove him to hook up online.
Before, you feel too sad for him, I want to posit the following. The Bible tells us that we like dogs go back to our vomit (Proverbs 26:11). I know that is not pretty but, it is true. Even after finding the treasure of Jesus Christ and meeting godly, available women at church, he did not choose the right path. It reminds me of Samson. He wanted beauty and a lot of other superficial things. Judges 14:1-3- Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he said to his father and mother, “I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.” His father and mother replied, “isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife? Samson said to his father,”Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.”
After Enrique’s unbelieving wife divorced him, I tried to match him up with several women that I thought would be perfect for him at my church, but he showed no interest in them. These amazing women of God were available. They loved the Lord, were mature in their faith and had a lot in common with him. I tried to say things that would point this out to Enrique but, I got nothing back. Instead, he asked me about some Russian babe that he had been talking to online. I was shocked. I told him this could be a complete hoax. That she probably wasn’t who she said she was, and if she was then why would she be with him? He tried to convince me that she was real. He even showed me a picture of her passport. What is that? Who would put their passport picture online. I thought that Enrique was extremely naive about women then, but now I think it is a bad family pattern that he has to fight against.
Maybe, that is why Enrique has not asked my opinion on Manuela. As I write this, he is planning his trip to Cuba. I hope that he changes his mind. I know doing that would be difficult, especially because he is probably addicted to his computer and all the positive affirmations Manuela gives him all day long. He told me that she is so understanding. Isn’t it easy to be understanding when you see the great icon of U.S. citizenship on the horizon? Or, isn’t it easy to be understanding during your fake relationship moments online? He thinks this is all real just like Dorothy thought the Wizard of Oz was real until she saw a small figure behind the curtain. I hope and pray that we can weather this storm in our relationship. I also pray that the truth comes out concerning this woman. Is she a Delilah?
*the names are changed but the stories are alarmingly true.
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