Harley’s Perm

What is a home? Does a nursing home qualify? I am determined to stand by Harley* after she’s been confined to a nursing home. Her life has gone downhill lately. She has had health problems for a while but, these health problems seem to be accelerating. Plus, she recently became a widow. Harley has gone down a black hole since losing her husband of fifty-six years. How could she not? The Bible describes a marriage as two people coming together to become one. If that is true, coming apart in death is like losing a part of yourself. It’s devastating. 

The Bible also has many verses entreating us to care for those in need. That was my goal last year when Harley had a medical procedure. That procedure should have been simple but, unfortunately, it lead to a stroke. Next, there was physical therapy and improvement. However, that improvement did not last as long as I had hoped before she contracted salmonella and was hospitalized again. That was a huge setback for Harley and all the progress that she had made in physical therapy was lost. I tried to visit her weekly. I pulled out my whole Mary Poppins bag of tricks which included books, magazines and homemade food in hopes of cheering her up. 

Throughout all of Harley’s ailments her husband Shane* stood by her magnificently. He visited her every single day. He washed her clothes weekly and brought her favorite foods to the rehabilitation facility. He cared for her many needs sacrifically and showed her unconditional love. That included helping her to walk, lifting her and helping her in the bathroom when necessary. He kissed her everyday and told her that he loved her. That old US Steelworker looked like Popeye when he was young and he proved his mettle during the contest of old age. He lived every moment with gusto, love and never waivered in his faith. He died suddenly while Harley was in a nursing care facility recuperating and now she will never come home again. 

Their daughter Vanessa* doesn’t seem to much care for her mom and was always closer to her father. Throughout the years, it appears Shane encouraged this little rivalry and did nothing to bring the two closer. Spousification? Or, did Shane have inappropriate boundaries with his daughter? He made some decisions with Vanessa that he should have made with his wife and I told him so.

Some Christian families let problems fester and don’t always seek godly solutions that are explicitly pointed to in the Bible. It sometimes seems easier to follow dysfunctional family patterns rather than to do it God’s way. But, God’s way is the right way. For Vanessa I feel that would mean a study of the biblical principle of honoring a parent.  

Somehow that concept didn’t come into play for Vanessa when dealing with her mother’s current needs. Shane died suddenly less than a month ago. It was a shock to all of us, especially Harley. He was living life to the fullest and then he suddenly died. Shane and Harley’s daughter Vanessa is a female entrepreneur who runs several businesses. She is always on the phone and busy as heck. She likes it that way, it’s convenient if you know what I mean. My first impression of her was she’s… well we have a name for that in Westchester which begins with a B but, I have to keep trying to uphold a Christian standard.

People like Vanessa do not make that easy. She seems to look people over all the time and it’s pretty clear that practically nobody makes the grade. She didn’t dare do that to me, instead she just acted bored. She pulled this when we ran into each other at her parents house once. I entreated her come on over to the table and hang out with your mom and I while her dad hung out with my husband. She was presenting anti-social but, my approach was to kill her with kindness. That did not work so much. She wouldn’t die to her bad attitude. She needed Jesus but, I thought that she already had him? 

When Shane died, Vanessa was on business in Florida, she did not even come back to be with her mother who was alone in a nursing home. It was Harley who called me and I came down to comfort her as soon as I could. Our Pastor was there too. Vanessa sent some of her sons to break the news to their grandmother but, they ended up making a mess of it. They were young men not yet fully equipped to handle the situation and for the most part muddled the whole thing. Vanessa should have been there. 

Speaking of Westchester County, I know CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies, and brain surgeons who made themselves available to their mothers under such circumstances. Vanessa had no excuses. Vanessa informed everyone that she was going to set up a memorial service for him at a more convenient time for herself. She left Harley out of planning her own husband’s funeral. Harley wanted a burial, Vanessa wanted cremation. Harley wanted a traditional wake and funeral but Vanessa literally did not care. Harley was asking for her dad to be put in a suit for his cremation. Harley said, “it doesn’t matter because it’s a cremation.” Vanessa has still not allowed her mother to see her own husbands’ ashes which are currently on her farmhouse mantle place.

When Harley had a stroke last year, Shane motivated Harley to beat the odds and return home. Harley worked hard at her physical therapy and somehow managed (with Shane in her corner) to walk and talk again. Even the rehab center was amazed. Until just two days before Shane died, he still was trying to get nursing care in the home so his wife could return there. That dream was kept alive by Shane this past year throughout Harley’s many health challenges. Shane and Harley are of a generation that did not put parents in nursing homes. I don’t think Vanessa understands that. Indeed, Harley’s mom died at home in about the same shape that Harley is in. She was never put in a nursing home. 

However, all those dreams died when Shane died and Vanessa just wants to park her mom in a nursing home, give away her things and have an end to it. Harley and Shane have a large family. Yet, Harley was mostly left to suffer the loss of her husband alone. Why is she being emotionally shut down by many who are close to her? The answer lies in selfishness, lack of empathy and also distaste for the aged. Harley has a lot of feelings about everything that she is going through. The nursing home that she will now call home is not one of the worst that I have seen. They have activities and even counselors available to help Harley deal with her loss. Nevertheless, Harley is not ready to concede that she will be unable to ever return home. She still can’t even believe that her husband has passed away. 

From what I have gathered, Harley is experiencing two deaths. The death of her husband and the loss of her home all at once. That is a lot of trauma to process and it takes time and attention. So many of the people at our church and in her family are of the mindset that she should just be quiet and accept the reality of her situation. There seems to be very little sympathy for what she is feeling. I don’t agree with that.

My weekly visits to Harley have been gut-wretching as I have seen a woman lose everything in a very short amount of time. Loss of love, and loss of the place that she felt safe in. It’s now the whole new reality of living in a nursing home is beginning to set in too. From what I see there, she has no control over her daily life. There is no privacy and control over anything that she does. It is loud all the time, and the lights are always on. Plus, she is a shy person who has just been thrown together with  a group of people that she doesn’t know and is being expected to accept that.That is not easy for a naturally introverted person. I have tried to give her an outlet for the emotions that she feels and a safe place to contemplate solutions.

In so doing, I have gotten myself yet again into the whirlpool of family dysfunction. The family war seems to have headed in an unlikely direction in recent weeks as Harley thought about what she would wear and how her hair might be done for Shane’s memorial service. I have known for some time that Vanessa likes her mother in a short hairstyle and I have heard Harley’s repeated desire for a medium length permanent. 

Recently, out of the blue, Harley told me that her daughter had made arrangements for her to get a short haircut. I asked Harley did she “want to get a short haircut?” Her answer was an adamant “no.” Then, why are you getting a short haircut” I asked, wading into the warm whirlpool forming before me. Her answer was because, “I am afraid to stand up to my daughter.” A church member seemed to suggest that Harley was trying to manipulate me into taking her side. That could only occur if I am not aware that this family struggles in the area of control and passive aggressive manipulation. However, I was aware.

Here’s the bottom line for me. I believe that with all that Harley is going through why would you not let your mom get the haircut that she would like? Why is a women’s hair always a battleground? Aren’t there more important issues in the world? I offered to buy a gift certificate that is offered by the nursing home for a salon visit. Her birthday is less than a month away. She seemed to agree to it. 

However, when I returned the following week, Harley informed me that her daughter had gotten her that haircut. It looked awful. It was akin to the haircut that is given to prisoners upon entering jail. It was the haircut that she would have to wear when she attends her husband’s memorial service I thought.  I assumed that would be the end to it but, it wasn’t because Harley was not satisfied and informed me that she had made an appointment at the in-house salon to give her a permanent.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh goes the whirlpool. “Harley is your healthcare agency or your daughter going to pay for this?” Harley said,“I know my daughter refuses to pay for it.” I made the decision to support her in this. So, I purchased a nursing home gift certificate that is redeemable at their in-house salon. Today, was her appointment. I know her daughter will not be happy when she sees that her mom got a curly hairdo but, isn’t that almost laughable? Could this hairdo be a way that Harley is rebelling against her daughter? It’s possible but, I hope that at some point both mother and daughter can start acting like mature Christian ladies and work through these problems. God saw fit to take Vanessa’s favorite parent first and leave her to care for the one she likes least. I have seen this happen before many times. I think it is God’s way of giving everyone a chance to work things out. 

This past fall, Harley told me that she always wanted to have a Meyer lemon tree. I told her that I also always wanted to try and raise one too. These are the little things that girlfriends bond over. Unbeknownst, to her I procured two scrawny half-dead looking Meyer lemon trees after that and decided to nurse them back to health this past winter. They did well under my grow lights and seem ready for a spring revival but I am realizing that Harley is never coming home. Now, her Meyer lemon tree and mine sits outside my front door soaking in the new spring sun, growing and thriving, a vestige of Harley’s broken dreams. 

Harley just called me from the nursing home to tell me that she got her permanent done and she loves it. She feels respectable as she plans for her husband’s memorial service. I sort of think Harley will enjoy defying her daughter’s dictates too. Her daughter has finally planned a memorial service for her father. It will be in two weeks. Harley has asked me to stand beside her as she eulogizes her husband. I am sure that she is nervous about that and needs some moral support.I told her that it would be an honor to stand beside her. I believe that some in her family may not be happy about it. I will be praying for Shane’s family to find new avenues of connection in the days ahead. I pray that they could all listen more, compromise more and love one another as Jesus has loved them. Maybe then, a nursing home could qualify as a home.

* some of the names and stories are changed to protect privacy.

* the names were changed to protect privacy.